My worst fear

Part 5

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine" I explain, as we head through the streets of Las Vegas – she's concerned about me. I can't blame her after the way I walked out of the locker room – and now here I am not really talking much.

"You don't look it"

"Maybe a little stressed…" I tell her, I owe her something. So I turn my head and look at the woman driving. God she's beautiful, she's perfect. I have everything "…I'm going to have to leave" I explain.

Catherine turned her head quickly, and I'm actually surprised she didn't hit the car in front, "What?" She asked, "You're…leaving"

"No, I mean…yes. For a week, I have to head to Boston" I hate Gil right now. I mean, I was pulling this all together right. I was getting to grips with the new set up. But I understand why he's sending me…and to be honest I realized that this is something I have to do.

" Boston?" She asks.

"Yeah…conference, I'm the only CSI available that hasn't come to the quota" I explained, "I can't get out of it."

"You tried?"

Have I tried, is she serious, she wants reassurance that I tried to get out of it so that I would be with her for that week. "Of course I have, you think I want to go to Boston?" I offer softly.

"SO that's what the letter was?"

"Yeah…"

"You have another argument with him then?" Catherine knew me to well.

"Yeah…"

"are you going to say more than 'yeah'?"

"Not right now…" I tell her, looking back out the window, "What do you thinks wrong with my Tahoe?"

"God knows…"

"I don't like leaving it at the lab?"

"Okay at first I ignored it but what's this strong bond you have with your car?" Catherine asked, there is a smile playing on her lips though I am only to aware that she is sick of me covering over my emotions. I can't help it – habit I suppose.

"Sorry" I offer.

"Don't be" She tells me, concentrating back on the road she moves her hand and takes mine in hers, entwining our fingers. How do I get strength from that? Maybe Grissom was right, I do need to talk to someone. Turning now so my back is rested on the door behind me I'm facing her – I know what I feel, so much love it's unbearable but I can't say it. How do I make her understand what I feel with out those exact words?

"See anything you like?" I must have been staring at her for a while, because she breaks into my thoughts with that smile of hers that manages to light up my world.

I don't respond just tighten my hand on hers, say something for gods sakes. "You drive me crazy you know that" I tell her,

"In a good way" she asks

"In a great way" I nod my head. Then lean back on the window looking at where are hands meet – "Grissom told me, I needed to talk to someone … because, I'm going to burn out if I don't" It's hard for me, this whole admitting I'm not invincible and I think she knows just how hard because she tightens her hand on mine – okay just because I've admitted that I need to talk to her doesn't mean I'll do it now. Instead I decided to get her to talk – "What are you most scared of?"

She looks confused, what can I say – I feel like acting a little crazy today. I can't help it. "What do you mean?" She asks.
"I mean, right now, this minuet what are you scared of?"

"Losing the people I love" She explains, she doesn't even need to think about it, "What about you?"

She turns the Tahoe off the main road and onto smaller residential roads and we are getting closer to her house. It's funny, I spend more time here than in my own apartment. I try and run away from feelings but I can't, not anymore – I need to try and do this. "Hurting you and Lindsey!" I explain. I notice something, something I've never seen before – an emotion I'm not to sure I've meet in her eyes. She turns her head and looks into my eyes longingly. "I'm scared all the time" I explain.

She doesn't respond, she turns the SUV into the driveway of her house and unclips her belt turning of the ignition- she turns to face me. She hasn't said a word and that hurts a little – but then I see something, love. She softly moves into me, not rushed, not lust filled – pure love. She moves a hand to my neck and that causes a warm sensation to run down my back. He lips meet softly with my own. It's not hungry; not wanting…it's soft yet deep. She wants to take it further as her hands move to my waist and the mouth opens slightly giving me access. After a long moment, reluctantly she pulled back. Her face was flushed, her eyes were black with need and desire, huskily she replied – "There is nothing to be scared of when it comes to me. You can never hurt me enough to make me leave"

I unclip my own belt and go in to kiss her again, she moves her hand to my shoulders though and keeps me at a distance. I'm confused, what's she doing. She moves forward her lips against my ear and speaks, "Let's take this inside"

----

Sometimes I don't think she knows what she does to me. I'm lay on my back looking at the ceiling – I'm trying to regain my steady breathing as she's lay next to me doing the same. She smiles, and moves over to me, still a little breathless she moves an arm around my waist and rests her head on my shoulder. I moved an arm around her shoulders and held her close. I'm so happy right now, I'm on a high.

"I love you Sar" She mumbles.

"You to" I say, god I do love her more than I'd ever be able to show her.

There is a silence, a few minuets where we just lay here in the aftermath of our love "Why do you do that?" She asks, looking up at me, breaking the silence.

I look into her eyes, unsure what she's talking about. "Do what?"

"You never say I love you" She sounds - not hurt, more confused. I would be to, I mean what person can't utter the words I love you? This person here - and she has picked up on it. I shift uncomfortably beneath her, she senses this. "What is it that stops you from saying it baby?" She places her lips softly under my neck as she urges me to answer. I close my eyes. Her kisses trail up my neck to behind my ear. As she moves a hand up my waist and caresses my skin. She drives me crazy.

"I want to" I tell her as I take a short breath trying to keep focused on my thoughts and not about what she's doing to me.

"Why don't you?" She asks again.

"Because…I…" She stops the kisses and brings her hand up to my face where she cups my cheek – I can't do this. I look away from her and back to the ceiling – I can feel the tears building in my eyes. She sees this also.

"Baby?" She's worried about me now. I'm starting to think I'm crazy myself.

"I've…" I need to explain, "I…err…" My voice isn't holding up – it's cracking, "I want to, I've tried to say it…so many times but…I can't"

"You don't have to" She tells me, trying to make it okay "I know how you feel"

"I want to though" I tell her, I turn back to her now, and move my arms around her tightly. I'm lay on my side, and she's on hers – our faces only inches apart. I move my hand to her lower back and pull her closer to me – I want her to know that she isn't the problem. I am. I'm the one who's got the problem. "I really do. I just…can't…because the last person I said it to…they…they were killed in …err…" I stop, thinking, trying to find the words – "in an RTA hours after. I haven't said it since then…" Tears are now making their way down my face, she wipes them away, and then presses her lips into mine – reassuringly. I don't want to be reassured anymore I want to show her I love her – so I deepen the kiss, pulling back slightly – our lips still touching I murmur breathlessly "I'm yours"

She closes her eyes; I can feel her pulse rising.

"You still scared?" She asked.

"Only of how much control you have over me" I tell her before bringing her into another passion filled kiss.

Even though I can't say it, doesn't mean I can't show my love.

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Ah, no…stop…the phone again. Memo to self unplug that in future. It stirs me from my sleep – she is still tangled up in me, good. This time I can stop her from answering it. "Sara" I hear her but I don't open my eyes, why can't I just get some me and her time?

"Mm, leave it" I mumble, "I don't w…ant to move" my voice was broken having just awoke.

"I'm on call" She reminds, she doesn't sound like she's that awake and she tries to pull free – pushing me off. I give into her – and move enough for her to lean over and grab her phone.

Then I lay my head back down on her chest, happy to lay and listen to the soft beating of her heart. "Willows" Even on her house phone, god – if I didn't love the way she answered her phone so much I'd tell her to be less 'enforcer of the law' like. "Sorry…I must have left it in the other room" I hared her say – that's the lab, that's Grissom – I know it is. Can't murders take a break? Is it too much to ask?

I need to talk to her as well – I just need someone to talk about that god damn case that I fucked up massively on. Looks like it's have to wait huh? "Can you give me an hour and swing by to pick me up?" She asked, and then sighed, "Fine…fine I'll see you in half…" She cut her phone off groaning.

My voice is needy I know it is – "Quit your job" I tell her, as I lower my lips to the skin beneath me offering a soft kiss.

"And then we can stay in bed together as long as we like" She mumbled with a smile.

"I like the sound of that" I smiled, "Damn you woman- you got me all needy"

"Well as long as it's me you need and no one else"

"It's always you" I tell her, and then I understand she needs to go so I move my body from hers. She offers me an apologetic look – and then presses her lips softly into mine. "Did you still want to talk with me?"

I must have looked a little lost, so she explained, "In my car…you said you needed to talk…and then you ran as far away from the convocation" She had a soft smile playing on her lips. I didn't answer I just looked up at her … come on for god sake talk to her. She seemed to understand that her psychotic girlfriend needed some time because she lent forward kissing me lightly again saying – "I have all the time in the world…so take as long as you like"

I just nodded my head and sigh lightly as she moves from the bed. I watch as she reaches for her shirt from earlier and slips it on before heading to the bathroom. When she's left I turn, now lay in the center of the safest place I know looking at the ceiling above me – I did need to talk to her, about a lot of stuff…the case, the revelation I made earlier about the reason I couldn't tell her of my love – about her talking to Lindsey.

I was lay thinking about all this when I see her walk into the room now fully dressed and ready to head out to work. "Sorry I'm leaving you again" She offers as she takes her phone from the side.

"Don't be …it's the job, I get it better than anyone" I offer.

"I'll call Kate on my way…tell her to pick Lindsey up from here."

"Does she need to be picked up from school?" I ask, I'm happy that I'm able to help out Catherine, I want to make her happy.

"No, she's getting a lift from on of her friends mothers." She explained.

"Well, I'll drop her off at Kate's on my way to work" I tell her.

Confusion crosses over her face, "You do know you are offering to head on over to my sister – right? Like, as in me not begging you?" I'm aware of that.

"Yeah"

"Are you feeling okay?" She asks.

I smile, "Yeah, I'm feeling fine. Your sisters is near my apartment and I have to go grab the last of my stuff before the lease is up next week – so it's on my way"

"As long as it's okay with you then. I don't want you to feel like I'm loading my kid off onto you."

"Hey, I don't at all" I tell her. She smiles, "Okay then, I have to go…don't miss me too much" she lent over me and kisses me softly. Before I can grab hold of her she pulls back with a smirk – "No time" She explained, "See you later – I'm getting a lift from Gil so, you got my Tahoe"

"Okay- thanks. And be careful baby" I say, I can't help but worry about her.

"Will do - Love you…"

"You to babe" I respond.

---------

"Hey there kiddo" I greet as I pull the door open, Lindsey is standing there smiling.

"Hey Sara" She smiles, then turns to the car that just dropped her off, "Thanks" She called. I look across to the woman who was driving, "Thanks a lot" I smile. I get a no problem before the woman leaves. I usher the young blond into the house. "Good day?"

"Yeah" she nods.

"Alright then, mom got called in again so It's just you and me" I tell her.

She nods her head, sometimes I do feel sorry for her – she doesn't see Catherine a lot at all, and I mean I'm no substitute for Catherine. "She coming home later?"

"no…she's got a long shift. She's going to pick you up tomorrow though…its Saturday right."

She throws her bag to the floor, "So we get the whole day" She beams.

"That's right…the whole day" I tell her. "Here, give me your coat"

She takes it off and throws it my way, "You coming?" she asks.

"Sorry hun…no can do" I have a court hearing tomorrow, and then I have a shift so I won't see either of them much. "I'll try and stop by for my break but…it's just you and your mom. Give the two of you some time" I smiled. They needed some time.

"Okay, go get washed up…and grab some stuff. We are heading out"

She runs off. I can't help but smirk.

-------

We've been driving for a little over ten minuets and I decided to talk to her, "hey kiddo, you know what you said to me yesterday?"

She looked nervous "Yeah"

"Well I was thinking that you know tomorrow when you and your mom have some time together…"

"Yeah"

"Well maybe you could talk with her about it. And I promise you that she wont be angry. I think she needs to know though and I don't want to break your trust and tell her but…I really think that you should."

She seems to be thinking about it, then she looks at me – "She won't be mad?"

"I promise you…she'll make it feel better. She always does right?"

"Yeah… kind of." She then uses a technique that I'm told by Catherine 'I taught her' – "Where are we going?"

"My apartment, you Kiddo are about to see the mess I call my things and help me get them into the back of the Tahoe – then, I'll drop you of at your aunts. And how about I try not to fight with her tonight…" I no what I have to do, "I'm sorry about last night"
"It's okay…" She's used to it by now but it doesn't stop my guilt.

"By the way, I say that you did your homework before you watched TV then you have to say that I didn't make the mess in the kitchen" I smirk, the mess was an understatement. It was like a bomb had gone off. Cooking didn't go well, we ended up eating a frozen pizza – "and don't tell her I fed you pizza again"

"Deal"

I smile, and then just as I'm about to turn off the main road I look into my mirror – suddenly I hear Lindsey scream, fear- pure fear. Swinging around I saw what had her so upset – a car came down towards up – on the wrong side of the road – it was heading straight for us –

…there was nothing I could do!

tbc...more soon thankyou all soooo much for reading and sending reviews my way. You lot are the best. :D