My worst fear

Part 6

How can this happen to me? How! I don't deserve this. I should have been the one to be hurt. Not her, never her. I'm lay in the room they threw me in over a half hour ago- trying to hold back the tears. The emergency crews have assured me they were doing all they could. They wouldn't tell me a god damn thing though - There was blood, all over me but I was numb. Totally out of it all – all I knew was that Lindsey was hurt and it was my fault. They had given me some kind of sedative to keep me calm because I had lost it in the ambulance and then again when they tried to fix up my own wounds. At one point I'm sure that they had three medical staff holding me down.

Looking at my hands I wonder why this is the only injuries I got. A broken wrist, a concussion, cuts and lacerations all over and a deep gash above my eye - How come, why hadn't it been worse for me? I should have been the one in there – unconscious – not her.

I have no idea how long it has been now, everything is just a blur, all the moments have crushed up into on long nightmare – so I couldn't tell you how long it has been since the accident, or how long it's been since I reached across and tried to help an unconscious Lindsey before the emergency crews arrived – it's all one big mess that never should have happened. And I haven't even been injured that bad, the car hit her side of the truck, she took the worst of it. She's the one suffering right now. Why?

I have been staring ahead of me at the wall for a long while now, at the wall praying that she's going to be okay. It's then that the door opens, breaking into everything. "Sara?" The voice sounds relieved, I tried to look at who ever it was but couldn't. I was re living the moment I hurt one of the only people I gave a damn about. "Shit Sidle… don't do this to me" the voice said. Then I felt someone take my hand that wasn't injured and I looked there way. It was Greg, he pulled me into a hug – I still hadn't spoken or reacted.

"Lindsey" I manage though my voice is barely audible and I try not to succumb to the tears. "I…she…"

"Shush…don't" He managed, "Catherine's talking with the doctors right now with Warrick…it's going to be okay"

I shake my head, nothing is going to be okay. Tears silently fall down my cheek, what have I done. I feel like I've ended everything – I'll never forgive myself for this. I'm happy to have someone here now though, I grip tight onto his hand. "Gre…g" I don't know what to do.

"Sara honey, shush…" He soothes me,

"How is, Lindsey?" I finally manage.

"I'm not sure, I think she's had to go into surgery though…" He explained. That was all that I needed to hear to push me over the edge. I pull away from Greg, I don't want to be touched right now.

Looking out towards the door that's when it opens, Catherine walks in, she looks distraught…I've done that to her. I've made her feel like this. Tears fall faster, and there is no way that I can control them now. My head is pounding and the only thing I can hear are the terrified scream of her daughter – I made her that scared.

"Sar…" Catherine finally manages she walks over at a fast pace and takes the hand that Greg had been holding. Greg and Warrick had now backed up to the doorway, and were just watching as Catherine reached out and pulled me into her – the both of us were crying now.

"I'm…so…s…sorry" I stuttered, I was shaking and I couldn't help it. She ran her hand up and down my back, comforting me. I didn't deserve this not after what I've done.

"Sara, I thought you were…" She manages, "I can't lose you"

"I'm…so sorry" I repeat again, "I…Lindsey"

The name of her daughter is all that she needs to hear to cause her to break down, I now find myself holding her. Her legs go from beneath her as she fall into me, I'm holding all her weight as her head moves into my neck she's shaking in my grasp. I did this…

I tell her again, the only thing I've been able to say – "Sorry!"

-------------

It's been an hour and a half now and Lindsey is still in surgery – I look to where Catherine Is sat at my side and holding my hand. "What happened?" She asked me. Locking eyes with me – I think she'd cried all the tears she could now. I could just see pure fear.

"I…she…" I stumble, come on – you just nearly killed her child, the least you can do is explained. I have never hated myself as much as I do right now. "The car came…out of no where – it was on…the wrong side of …the…the road. It hit the…the Tahoe, Lindsey got the brunt of…the force." I stopped when I saw her whole self die inside. I've hurt her. She pulls her hand from mine and stands up.

"She hasn't regained consciousness Sara" She growls, "I can't lose her. Tell me she'll be okay – please"

I can't do that, I really can't tell her that because I saw what happened in that accident, I saw Lindsey hit of the dash, I saw the blood. It's an image that I will never forget. It's in this moment that I decide I can't do this. I stand up from the bed. Happy to see that my jeans, though blood-soaked were still on me – I had a hospital gown on over then though.

It took a lot for me to stand and it didn't take Catherine long to start – "Sara…lay down. You need to…"

I held my hand up to cut her off, "I can't lay here…I'm not" I tell her. With my one good hand I push on the bed for leverage and manage to land on my feet though I can't take my wait. Catherine is there and manages to catch me before I hit the floor. She's holding my in her arms for a moment – then I nod my head letting her know I have control. The pain is unbearable but there is no way I'm staying her.

-------

I'd signed myself out, against the doctor's orders a little over a half hour ago now and the two of us were still waiting for news on Lindsey. I was now in Greg's shirt which he'd kindly offered after the doctor told me the shirt that I had been wearing had been cut up when they were at the scene in order to treat me. So here I was, sat in the waiting room, the relative's room so we had some time to ourselves, we knew guys at this hospital so they had allowed us to have this room to ourselves. Greg was out getting coffee and Catherine was stood over by the doorway just looking at he floor. To be honest I was finding it hard to even look her in the eyes. I've hurt the most precious thing in her world yet here she was, still willing to hold my hand, still willing to even look at me. I couldn't understand.

"Sar?" Her worn tone cuts in. I've never hared her sound so lost, so empty before.

I look at her; I don't trust my own voice so I just look her way, "Hold me?" She asks.

I don't believe this. After everything she still wants me near her – why?

I stand up, slowly as I feel every part of my body ach – I limp over to her, my legs struggle to hold me up but I don't care – I fight through the pain – and move my arms around the woman who I love more than anything. What did I do to her? She nods her head and rest against my shoulder – she doesn't cry, I think she's numb right now, she's thinking about her daughter, praying. I push my hand through her hair and hold her head into me.

"I'm so sorry Cath" I haven't said much to her but I need to say this now, "I just…I was driving down the street, one minuet…I was talking…then this…and…I" I'm mumbling, she sighs, a deep sigh and she leans back then presses her head against my forehead.

"Don't" She says…

"I…"

"Sara"

I look to the floor – "Please, shout at me…hit me…just… I…" I wanted her to hit me, or push me away, I deserve it. I really do. I mean, I have hurt Lindsey; I've put her in here – in this hospital.

"Don't…you can't do this. Not now…I need you here"

"I'm just…"

"Sara, I'm not going to hit you or shout at you. It was an accident…I don't blame you" She hugs me tighter and the tears start again – both mine and hers tumble down out face. I feel so sick; my heart is beating so fast…

After around five minuets of me holding her and letting her cry into me she eventually stepped back, "You okay?" she was asking me if I was okay,

"Yeah" I managed weakly.

"Sara you should still be in that hospital bed" she says

"No…I can't…I'm fine"

They'd fixed me up as best as they could – what use was it lying around in a bed? No, I needed to be here.

"Hey guys"

I look to my side to see Greg walk in, he's not wearing his shirt anymore he's got a white vest t shirt on and I feel a little guilty. "I got you two some coffee."

"Thanks" Catherine manages weakly. I let her go from my grip and she walks over to him, I however can't take this much longer. "I need to go…" I tell them.

"Where?"

"I don't know…I just…" I walked over to the door, "I won't be far."

She just nods knowing I need time. I look at Greg and see that he'll look after her. Then leave.

---------

Sometimes I wonder if there is a god, I mean – there can't be. I haven't believed in the longest of times but stuff like this just highlighted the lack of compassion from any kind of god. There are time's after work when I live through some of my very worst cases that I drive away in my Tahoe and sit outside some church – I don't know why I do it – I just do. But I don't believe, not now, not since I watched my Dad beat my mom religiously ever night when he rolled in drunk. No god would let that happen.

"You…you fucking bitch"

I turn my head, it pains me to do so but proceed. Instantly I see Eddie coming towards me. He's angry, he has every right to be. I force my self to stand despite the pain I'm in. "Eddie" I say, looking his way.

"Don't…you could have killed my daughter" he screamed, I wasn't sure if he'd been drinking, doing drugs or was just pissed of and angry. I didn't care to be honest I just stood there looking at him – he's no saint, he's the worst guy in the world, he's just like my dad, he'd beat Catherine up in front of Lindsey when the two were married, he'd spend all his money on drugs and drink but…he was a father, Lindsey's father and he had a right to be hurting. I wasn't going to take that away from him. It's when he got to me and took hold of Greg's shirt pinning me up to the wall I realized that he was going to take his anger out on me.

"I'm sorry" I offered, I've been saying that a lot since I came around.

"You're sorry…tell that to my Daughter, to my Wife" His wife, HIS WIFE. I look him dead in the eyes, she wasn't his wife – she will never be his again. I'd have fort back, even in my injured state but to be honest, deep down this is what I wanted, I wanted to be hurt, to be blamed – because I blamed myself. Any other time I'd mouth of about how she wasn't his but right now – the only thing I could think about were his words –

you could have killed my daughter

"What you got nothing to Say?" He growled, he pushed me back against the wall again "I'm sorry" I tell him again.

"No you don't get to be sorry – don't sit round here looking like your world is about to end. That's my kid, not yours."

"I love her" I tell him, "I never wanted to hurt her"

"Well you have, you've put my kid in hospital and my wife is broken. You think your going to make it through this? I'm going to kill you for this" His face was inches from mine now. "She's not your's, Catherine will never be yours. You're not having my family"

He grabs my hair and pulled my head back, I just looked him in the face – "Don't think she's ever yours. I'm still the one she sees in her head when she's with you. I'm still the father of her daughter – she'll always be mine. Her and Lindsey, And I'm going to get them back… both of them."

"HEY!" I know that voice, it's Nick.

"Your lucky day" Eddie growled; "I'll kill you for hurting my little girl" he threatened. That's all I focused on…

…I hurt Lindsey, it was me. I was driving…I did this to her.

I don't know when it was I fell to the floor, sat against the wall behind me.

Or when Nick escorted Eddie off

I have no idea when it was Grissom put his arms around my and held me into his chest –

The only thing I know is that I just lost my world…

TBC … more soon guys. Please tell me what you think and thank you all sooo much for the reviews.