My worst fear

Part 7

Thank you all so much for the reviews, I'm sorry that it's taken so long to post. Life's hectic but, here it is – part 7 – tell me what you think? Love to hear you feedback - and my muse loved it too ;)

"Mrs. Willows?" I looked up to see the doctor walk over to Catherine. I was sat in Greg's arms; I let him hold me to his chest as I rested my hand on his shoulder. For some reason I was feeling uncomfortable even looking at Catherine let alone have her hold me. Here I was sat in the corridor of the hospital – unable to face Catherine's family and Eddie who were in the waiting room. Not half hour ago Catherine had seemed to have an argument with Eddie and walked out of there but I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. Warrick was with her.

"Yes?" Catherine asked hopefully, the pain in her voice was like a knife to my already bleeding heart. She turned expectantly to the doctor.

"I'm sorry to have kept you waiting so long" he apologized.

With the help of Greg I was now standing still gripping onto him for support, his arm around my waist.

"Lindsey, is she okay?" Catherine asked.

The doctor smiled a little, and nodded his head. "The surgery was a success, the swelling has decreased, and I'm happy to say she woke up long enough to ask for her mother and a Sara…but the medication is taking hold and she's back asleep. But, she should be okay" His smile grew, "Your daughter has got through the worst. She's stable now."

Catherine sighed in relief and let out the breath I don't think that she was aware she was holding, she smiled herself. Shaking the doctor's hand and thanking him repeatedly I was still in shock. Lindsey was okay, I hadn't killed her. She was okay. "I'll come and get you when you can go and see her" he explained before leaving.

Catherine turned to me; she was crying now – tears of relief and happiness. She walked towards me and I was in too much shock to react, she wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me. Burying her head in my neck I held her. "She'll be okay" She mumbled, "It's all going to be okay"

I was crying, I really couldn't take much more – I lowered my head into her shoulder and we held each other crying. None of this was going to be okay, to be honest I was finding it hard to even look at her so holding her right now was nearing impossible.

"I'm sorry" I say, "I need to go"

"What?" She asks, stepping back, she was in shock "Lindsey want to see you"

"I can't…I'm sorry I have to leave" I tell her, I don't know what did this to me, I think it was when I looked up and Saw Eddie walk out of the room along with Catherine's sister and mother. They reminded me of what I just did; put the life of Catherine's daughter in danger. And I was still confused as to why she didn't want to kill me right now. "You have you family to take care of Cath… make sure Lindsey's okay. Tell her I'm sorry and I love her" I was trying not to cry but couldn't help it - With that I pull free from the blond who was holding me tight refusing to let go – I managed eventually and turned and walk away.

She was looking at me, confused, she called to me – "SARA!" I didn't respond - I couldn't. I limped away, holding onto my side as the pain really was becoming too much. Catherine needed to be there for Lindsey, now that I knew she was safe, that she had people to look after her I wasn't needed. So I left.

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You never know what you have until you lose it, I believe that whole heartedly. Now I'm sat on a bench outside of the hospital – in my bloodied jeans and Greg's large shirt – and all I can think about is what happened today. One minuet I had everything, I had Catherine, I had Lindsey – I had happiness - and now here I am contemplating the possibility Catherine was going to dump me. Kick me out of her life. That thought alone was killing me.

I shouldn't smoke; I know that, I'd tried quitting so many times. Some things you just can't give up though, some things are out of your control. It was kind of like Catherine, well, I mean she's not some dirty habit – It's more like Catherine is my addiction, the only thing that has seemed to calm me, comfort me – help me at all lately.

I love her, I really love her.

She's the only woman I want to be with, the only person who I have ever felt like this about and now I've ruined it all. I'm such a screw up. I swear to god this is unbelievable – the first time I feel like I have something worth living for and I manage to wreck it. From the moment Catherine had kissed me, the moment she reciprocated my love, made me realize that it wasn't unrequited I knew some how, in some way, I'd fuck up – I never believed it'd be on this scale though. I thought maybe, at the worst I'd end up hurting her emotionally. Like, been unable to give her what she wanted or needed. Never did I believe I could be this stupid. Eddie was right, this was my fault. Catherine trusted me with Lindsey and what did I give her back in return?

I'll tell you what I gave her, hell;

I ripped the only woman I've loved into the fiery depths of her fear.

I gave her what may have been, and will always be the worst god damn hours she'll ever live through.

I couldn't have hated myself more right now even if I tried.

Night was in full force, and I didn't care that I was looking like some loser out on a park bench. My clothes covered in the blood and tears that the events had brought out – and numerous fag ends dubbed out on the floor. I didn't care about any of this, not anymore. The only thing I gave a damn about were the people I loved, the people in that hospital room who I should be with right now but I'm too much of a cowered. I'm a loser. Have I mentioned I hate myself – only a hundred times huh? Oh god, what am I going to do?

Pushing my hand into my hair I cry, loud, long sobs. I can't help it. I know that the passing pedestrians are thinking about walking up and offering me help that I'm more than sure I look as though I need – or to run as far away as they can. I know what I'd do if I were them - and my option meant no comforting words were needed.

"Sar?" I hared my name after I felt the hand on my shoulder. I knew instantly who it was. And I did nothing but move so I was able to lean against him – he moved his arm and protectively wrapped them around me. I was safe, physically, but emotionally there was nothing anyone could do. He ran his hand up and down my back as you would do to comfort a child. This was it, the most violent breakdown yet. He was scared, I didn't blame him – I'd have been scared. They had never seen my like this, I'm the emotionless one. I'm the one who deals with my problems using anger, not this, this sadness. The word it rolls off my tongue bitterly – sadness, SADNESS! It's sickening;

I'm not this kind of person.

I'm not this person.

I hope that if I keep telling myself that it'll work, that I'll wake up in a cold sweat – this been one of them nightmares. I'm not a religious person but right now I'm praying that Catherine's arms will wrap around my tense body and wake me. That I'll be able to look into her eyes without the guilt, I'll be able to let her hold me without the fear of hurting her more, that she'll once again be able to touch my body without me pulling away. That I can look into her eyes and know she doesn't hate me.

Right now, that isn't something that I can do.

"Sar you need to breath" He comforted, I couldn't I was having trouble even getting shallow breaths. Everything was hurting me – my head was splitting, and I was sure I was still suffering the concussion- my broken wrist and other injuries weren't helping me either. I gripped, with my uninjured hand on his shirt as if he was my last life line – if I let him go I'd fade away.

He was there, for as long as it took me to cry myself out - I'm not sure just how long it was. A few minuets, five maybe – so now here we were – I was still lying into his chest but I wasn't crying anymore, I couldn't. All I could do was sit here, and manage to keep my eyes open. I was exhausted. "I'm sorry" I manage – roughly, my voice strained.

"Nothing to apologies for" he tells me.

There is, there's a lot to be sorry for. "You shouldn't have to deal with me like this"

"Hey, I'm your friend; I wouldn't have it any other way."

I'm not sure if I have the strength but I manage it, "How…is she?"

"Lindsey?"

I nod my head.

"She's woken up long enough to ask for you. But she's doing well otherwise." He explains, "Your girlfriend how ever could be doing a lot better- she would be if you were there with her – she's worried about you" he explained.

"She has her sister, and Eddie to comfort her" I tell him, my voice still strained, I'm not sure if it's from the cigarettes, the crying or the sheer emotional strain.

"She's been fighting with Eddie ever since I dragged him off you and her sister and mother are been less than understanding. She could do with you next to her Sar"

Nick has been acting like both are brothers since the start of this relationship and he realized that he didn't have a chance with me. Sure he'd still do the flirt thing, like Greg only not as bad – but we were a family and he cared for me more than my own brother had. "I can't" I explain.

"She doesn't blame you"

"She should" I tell him, I truly believe that I'd be able to take this easier if she would.

"Sar, Catherine's worried about you. She needs to know that you're okay" He tells me; as if it's something I don't know.

"I'm not okay Nick, can't you see that?" I tell him, I know this isn't his fault but I'm hurting and I have no idea how to deal with this. I stop and then ask, "Is she okay?" now I am asking about Catherine.

"She's coping, I think she's about to lose it with Eddie though. He keeps going off on one about you. And her sisters taking the opportunity to have a shot as well"

I expected nothing less, the three of them – sister, mother and ex husband had all been waiting for an opportunity like this to break me and Catherine up. What scared me the most is that they may accomplish something tonight. Eddie really was getting to me, he had made it clear he wanting his family back – and would stop at nothing to get it. "How about we head on up there…you can see Lindsey for yourself?"

"No" I tell him straight, I can't do that.

"Okay, well – I'm not letting you sit out here alone so how about you come back to mine. You can crash – and you'll feel better after a sleep" He offers. Right now, if I wasn't suck a stubborn bitch, I should still be lay in a hospital bed so maybe heading to Nicks would be the best – how could I leave her though?

"I'll tell Grissom to stay, or Greg, even Warrick looks like he's going to hang around for the rest of the night. She's not alone. And to be blunt about this – you look like hell, like death warmed up. You need to rest. You sleep, and then I'll bring you right back here…" he tells me. I give in, I know he's right. He helps me stand, "Lets get you into my Denali and then I'll go and tell them you're coming to mine" I don't respond, just let him walk me to his Car. I'm hoping he's right and that I can sort this out once I've slept.

tbc...