When I came home from the hospital that day, I saw Father standing there in the living room. He had been waiting for me. Father had been gone for awhile, but I hardly noticed. I was either at school, Keely's house, or the hospital, where Keely had gone for awhile.
"Take a seat," Father ordered me.
I continued to scowl as usual and did what I was told. I thought the least I could do was listen to Father after what I did. But I wasn't in the mood for any type of his lectures.
"Can you tell me what you were trying to do that night...," Father started. "I come home and I find you with that girl. That's already bad enough. But I hear talk of removing Mother...I see actions of removing Mother..."
"I was only doing the best for Mother," I muttered, staring at the table top.
"The best for Mother?" Father repeated in a sneer. "Since when do you know what's best for her?"
"I know! She talks to me too!"
"Hardly. You act as if you know so much when truly you know nothing. You understand, nothing. I'm all that you should understand. Anything else, anything that girl taught you or your foolish brothers, are all wrong. And you know it. But you decided to rebel anyway. And to think, I thought you were the only one left...," Father said, circling the table and making sure I heard every little bit of his lecture. I couldn't tune him out. I wanted to plug my ears...but I couldn't do that either.
"You act like you can talk to Mother. Kadaj, how many times have I told you, I'm the only one she can hear. I didn't make that rule up. It's just how it is. Your pathetic mind is only playing tricks on you.
"In fact, your mind itself has grown so weak, so useless, that you cease to stand for your own beliefs. You let others walk all over you. You were never as strong as your brothers, at least they had the decency of following something and sticking to it, no matter how wrong it was. But you. You're fickle; you don't know what's right or wrong anymore. You have no sense of direction. You're walking around in circles like an idiot. But somehow you think that's alright. Tell me Kadaj, do you think you're superior than everyone else?"
I didn't answer. In these times your best bet with Father was to be silent and let him do all the talking.
"You do, don't you," Father replied to himself and gave out a horrible laugh. "You honestly think you're better than me? How predictable. Well let me tell you something. There is no one better than me. Not even your brothers are worthy of what I'm capable of. You've known this all your stupid, pathetic life. But you prefer to deny the truth and go ahead and form your own rebellious little ideas. Actually, they're not even your own, they are those of that–,"
I shut my eyes tight and tried to tune out all the horrible things Father went on to call Keely and her sisters. It wasn't fair to them. They haven't done anything wrong. If anyone were to be punished of the wrongdoing against Mother, I supposed it was to be me.
"Stop," I muttered. Father didn't stop. "Stop!" I cried and slammed the table with my fist.
"What? You have something intelligent to say for once?" Father mused.
"No! I don't! It doesn't have to be anything, I can say what I want. Stop talking like I deserted Mother! I haven't! You're just assuming all these horrible things that you don't even know for yourself! Have you ever talked to Keely, ever, in your life? No, you haven't, and you haven't talked to her sisters either. You don't know anything about them. All you do is assume! You act like you know everything too when you don't! And it's not only the Sisters either it's your own family!" I cried at him. "You don't know one honest thing about me, Yazoo, or Loz. Nothing. Nothing."
Father stared me down. "I know that you're all pathetic weaklings who are slowly turning just like everyone else. Mother told me all along I should have done this by myself...," Father said mostly to himself.
"I'm not weak! I'm not-," I started but Father struck me across the face and I flew back against our sofa. I looked up at him. "Hit me all you want! It doesn't change anything!"
"And to think I used to think you were the strongest of all of your brothers. I saw them fading away before they realized it themselves. At least you stuck by longer. But it wasn't too long before you started succumbing to their ideals as well."
"What are you talking about?" I screamed at him. "I haven't changed!"
Father smirked to himself. "You have. And you don't even realize it. How amusing as well. How can it be that all of you have deserted me so soon..."
"I haven't! Just tell me what I have to do to prove it to you!" I got up and walked up to him. "Ask anyone," I hissed, "I'm the only one whose left. You haven't even been home to notice."
"Mother tells me everything that's been going on. She says you've been a particularly bad boy."
"I've done things I wouldn't usually do for the sake of others but I haven't changed inside. When I wanted to move Mother it wasn't because Keely told me too. I considered that it might've brought Loz and Yazoo back together. Without Mother they have lost their way, so I wanted to bring her back to them," I replied.
"A foolish idea. My upmost rule was to never remove Mother or show her to anyone. You've disobeyed. There is no way that I can regain your trust," Father explained bluntly.
"There must be. You possibly can't be thinking of leaving all by yourself. I can tell you're disappointed that everyone's left you..."
Father snorted. "Please. I only need Mother and nobody else. I've always been a one man team."
"Please," I begged, "I've lost Yazoo and Loz just like you have! They don't want to come back home and they don't listen to me. I want to be with Mother too. If she leaves with you I want to be with you too."
"It's no use. You've fallen victim to the outside world I tried so hard to protect all three of you from. I'll let you fend for yourself when you realize that the people you trust now aren't whom they seem," Father explained and started to walk away. I wanted to follow him and see where he hid Mother. You see, he has moved her, but nobody else but him knows where she lies.
"How can I know when nobody tells me anything?" I cried tugging out my hair. I was really frustrated at all the questions that have for so long been unanswered, and Father could have answered them all along.
"I don't want to tell you. You've accustomed to ignoring everything I say. Perhaps it would be better if someone you trust told you. For now anyway, I'll be here, in my house. I don't care what you do with your life anymore. Go ahead and rebel all you want," Father replied, and continued to walk away to his room. I heard him lock his door.
I went back to my own room and resumed some of the usual activities I used to do before my life turned for the better, if only for a while. Now it was as miserable as ever. Now, I had to make decisions that I didn't want to make. Could it really be that I had to choose between Keely and Mother now? If anything, that was the worst decision I've ever been forced to make and the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Considering that many awful things happen to me in a daily basis anyway.
♡♡
I went straight to Keely's house after school to visit her. Every day I did I bought her flowers, and so I carried a new bouquet with me now. She was no longer in the hospital so I was happy to know she was getting better.
When I walked in to her house nobody was home. I went ahead and headed to her room, knocking first. Nobody answered. I figured I should at least leave the flowers in her room so she could see them.
However, when I opened the door Keely was there. She was sleeping in her bed and looked peaceful, however her brows were furrowed together in an anxious way. I hoped she wasn't having a bad dream. I gently placed the flowers next to her and was making my way back when something awful called 'Guilt' and 'Curiosity' took over me. Father's words played back in my mind...and at that moment I knew I had to find out. What was it that Father knew about the Sisters that I didn't?
I looked over my shoulder back at Keely, breathing lightly while she slept. It wasn't fair to intrude her privacy. But if I wanted Father to trust me again...
I slowly made my way over to her desk. Now that I think about it I haven't spent much time in Keely's room. I shuffled through school papers and assignments, daily normal stuff. However under these I found different kind of papers. They were more official looking, and seemed important. I didn't read them because I couldn't understand what they talked about.
The more I looked, the more I found more professional things. It was then that I found some more papers, but I recognized some words...
My heart skipped a beat as I vaguely remembered some of these words. They made my stomach feel sick and heavy. Father said these words were bad. I read words like Shin-Ra, SOLDIER, and other things of the sort.
"Wha...what is this?" I muttered to myself shrilly and couldn't help but look some more. I found more documents, reports, and even I.D. cards. What did all this mean?
"Kadaj?" A soft voice came from the bed. I turned around to see Keely sit up and rub her eyes. Suddenly she realized what I was doing and a look of desperation crossed her face. "Kadaj, what are you doing?"
"Oh, this?" I mused, flinging her papers on the floor. "Just finding out some stuff. Apparently, that you never told me..."
"I was going to tell you, you never gave me a-,"
"I think if you had really cared you would have told me earlier," I snarled. "What's with those papers Keely? What do they mean?" I demanded.
Keely started to cry and didn't answer. She looked down and noticed the flowers I had gotten her.
"I'm so sorry..."
I don't know what went over me. Normally I would have started to cry and run away. That's usually what I did...but suddenly I felt my own eyes flash and this weird sensation come over me. When I looked at Keely she looked depressed and scared. But mostly scared...
"Why?" I demanded. "Why do you work for those people?"
"You don't understand Kadaj, there's a reason why I did what I did," Keely started to explain through her tears.
"So you do work for them!" I cried.
"I, no, I-,"
"You don't work for them?" I asked. She didn't answer. She looked at me sadly. "Oho! So you do, and you've been hiding it from me all along...," I clenched my fists and didn't look at her.
"You still don't know why Kadaj, please don't get mad...," Keely whimpered.
"Mad? Mad?" I repeated and took the flowers I got for her. I ripped them in half and threw them on the ground and Keely looked at me in sheer terror.
"Don't you dare look at me like that! You betrayed me Keely...you...," But I couldn't continue. The whole thing made me so mad. And it wasn't Keely that mostly caused my anger...it was merely the fact that Father was right all along. I should have listened to him...now I was stuck in this mess, with these people who want to take Mother away.
"Let me explain!" Keely cried getting out of her bed and coming towards me. She stood in front of me but didn't come any closer. She began to explain with her face looking down, and I watched her tears stain the carpeted floor.
"M-My sisters and I do work for Shin-Ra but it's for a good thing-,"
"Nothing those people do are good..."
"Yes, Kadaj, yes! When we got cured we didn't want to be experiments anymore! We agreed to one last experiment in exchange for Mother!" Keely cried. She shook her head. "I...I just wanna be normal again..." She began to cry in her hands. "And now, all because of that you had to find out the hard way, and-and you think I did it because I wanted too..."
"But you did do it because you wanted too. You used me. For...for Mother and your stupid experiment!" I cried but suddenly felt dizzy. I grabbed my head and gasped.
Keely looked up and her hands started to tremble. "Kadaj...what's wrong?"
I barely heard her voice, my ears were ringing. I fell to my knees and grabbed at the floor with my hands, trying to understand the frightening images that somehow made their way into my mind. Experiment, Shin-Ra...why were these words causing me to see such horrible flashbacks that were not my own?
"Please Kadaj...forgive me, please," Keely knelt beside me and stroked the hair away from my face. I grunted, ignoring these wretched sensations, and pushed Keely away from me.
"Father was right. I should have trusted him all along. Look what I almost did...," I said to myself, looking up at the ceiling. "I almost lost Mother. Almost. I was saved at the last minute..."
"Saved? Kadaj, you're not saving anyone, not even yourself," Keely choked. She wiped at her eyes frustratingly, and I saw her eyes blaze over. She stood up from where I pushed her. "I thought that maybe if I told you what I was up too, you'd agree and join. You'd realize. Maybe, you'd open your eyes to what's real-"
"The only thing I realize is your deceiving heart! Your betrayal and your lies! How you treated me like I was your own puppet to manipulate!" I shouted at her.
"You're right Kadaj!" Keely screamed back at me. "You're nothing but a puppet to your father's stupid ideals. He's using you just like I did. He has been, this whole time. You're Sephiroth's best work."
I gasped. "Don't you call him that!" I cried.
"He's my target, I call him what I want," Keely sneered. "Why do you think people are after him? Why do you think nobody else but you and him believe in this 'Mother'? It's not you against the world Kadaj. The world's against you," Keely picked up the ripped up flowers and threw them in my face. "Unlike you, the veil across my eyes got untied. The world isn't just black and white. It's in color and full of wonderful things. I was sick, and tired, of being used and discriminated. Just this one experiment...this one try...can turn my sisters and I back. The mental procedure has been all taken care of, if you can remember, three years ago. Now it's all up to the physical transformation, baby," Keely explained, smiling at me insanely. Suddenly she scowled and pulled at her long hair. "You see this disgusting silver hair? It's going. These horrid green eyes will be seen by no one anymore!" She cried and finally pushed me out of her room.
"Keely," I said, finally mustering up the nerve to say something. Keely scared me now, more than I scared her while I went totally out of it. Now she in turn was going crazy. "Before you officially turn back, consider it. Please. It doesn't only have to be me and Father. You used to believe in Mother once too, didn't you?" I asked her, staring one last time at those eyes, for some reason now, that she hated. All this fighting hurt me and I wanted my Keely back. Maybe if she joined Father and I we could still be together. I placed my hands on her shoulders and felt her tremble under my touch. "Why go through all this when you can just stay as what you were meant to be?"
Keely wriggled out of my grasp and stood her ground. "This isn't you talking Kadaj! This is Sephiroth! Can't you see?" She cried and slapped me. I let her go ahead and get away with it, and I didn't say anything.
Keely sniffed and started to cry again. She grasped her probably now sore throat from yelling, and placed a soft hand to my inflamed cheek. "All this yelling is doing nothing good for the both of us...we're both going crazy," Keely muttered.
"That we are," I replied, "But what is so bad about being crazy?" I wondered. It seems crazy people were thought to be bad, even if the most craziest person in the world...could also be the most harmless.
Keely didn't answer my question and looked up. "I'm sorry once again for lying to you," She whispered.
Suddenly I remembered why I was here and fighting with Keely. I got mad again. "Is that it then? Is your explanation over?" I demanded. I pulled her hand away from my face.
Keely stared at me longingly and for a moment I thought I recognized the old Keely, but my heart has long since learned that she is now gone. "Then I'll go," I said, and turned away from her. "Enjoy the flowers."
♡♡
As I was leaving, and while I was leaving, that's all I could think about. Leaving. I wanted to just leave. Leave Keely, leave Father, even Mother. I wanted to leave everything and start a new, or even better, go back in time. Have you ever felt that way?
I didn't really comprehend half the things that went on or what was said back at that room. Really, all I remember was that it was an intense, long fight. My heart had been racing, my ears ringing, and my mind whirling. It was hard to have paid attention that way. All I did know was a few things.
Keely was bad. Father was right. Keely pretended to be somebody she was not. She lied to me and backstabbed me. Worst of all she used me. Yazoo and Loz are not coming back. They've been brain washed, just like I almost have.
All these things were facts, and from now on I'm sticking with facts, since I'm not sure about anything anymore. I used to be alone. Now I'm alone and confused. Actually, I think I've been confused my whole life.
Still, I can't help crying helplessly when I'm alone with my thoughts. You see, Father has been long since ignoring me, so I've kept to myself. My mind sometimes replays that awful day with Keely without my permission. In a way, she was just like Father. They both wanted to control my life and tell me what to do. When I remember Keely yelling at me, Father's words ripple through me and echo. "You're pathetic. What a weakling..."
It seems there's always going to be someone better than me. Controlling me, like the puppet Keely said I was. There's always going to be two sides. I wonder. When can I get my own side?
♡♡
As I've said before, I didn't really understand what recently happened and only abided by some facts I knew were true. However, the things I did know, were enough to create the most misery I have ever experienced.
For awhile (I never really keep track of days, so I go by how long something feels) I stayed cooped up in my room. I never left. For those of you who think outside the box, no, I didn't eat and even though I was in my room I hardly slept either. I've always been that way, but I was ten times worse then before when this whole mess started.
At first I was so angry. My walls have always been pretty weak (hence the hole that still resides in my room) so when I grabbed my Swiss army knife and tore at them, some pretty big rips emerged. Still, it quenched at least a little bit of my anger. I don't have much in my room other then the mattress and drawers I probably have mentioned sometime earlier, and my mattress was already pretty ripped up and stabbed through already. Sometimes I was so angry I stood outside when it rained so it'd cool me off.
Then, my anger turned into sadness. I would cry the whole day, everyday. I didn't even know I could produce so much water from my eyes, but I did anyway. When I had been angry, I couldn't think clearly and went by impulse. However, what got me sad, was that now I could think and remember things clear enough that I realized once again my situation. My heart wrenched in pain and soon my eyes got sore. When I was in my sad stage, there was a lot of pain.
Then one day I just turned numb. I didn't think or flash back on anything anymore. The hunger and pain melted away. I had spent enough time in my room, and even though I wasn't hungry anymore, I ate just because I knew I needed food.
I looked for Father all day one day, but he wasn't anywhere. I waited around, then one day he actually showed up. He was surprised to see me.
"I thought you had run away somewhere," He said.
"No," I replied, scowling. "I was just in my room for a long time."
Father sneered. "Well, what a progressive way to spend your life. What about school?"
"I thought you didn't care anymore. So nor do I," I replied and walked out of the door. I didn't even know why I confronted him. I guess I wanted to see him after a long time, even if it didn't mean anything to him. As I left I heard him sigh and realized he probably did care that I was skipping out on school. I considered going back. But there were some things I were to avoid if I went back to school...
Anyway I tried not to think of those "certain" obstacles, and decided to clean up my appearance to fit the decency of being able to go to school. Father may have left me, but nothing said he wanted too. Maybe if I showed him I was done feeling sorry for myself, and would keep going to school, he'd trust me and talk to me again.
♡♡
So I went back to school. At first everyone ignored me out of fear and perhaps their own safety, but soon things changed for worse. I liked that everyone avoided me, and that they left me alone. However, curiosity got the better of them and soon questions popped up on why I looked the way I did (I haven't checked, and frankly never do, but I assumed I looked worse than usual) and how come I had disappeared for so long. Besides, asking all these things only got me angrier. It seemed as if they cared when really they didn't, and just wanted to hear what they wanted to hear. I didn't yield to their wishes and didn't say anything.
I didn't stay too long at school at first. I actually ran away much earlier then I was supposed to on the first day. But however, I was numb and didn't care about anything so I figured I could stay. Going to school didn't prove to be much of an accomplishment, or a big bonus of improvement, because I was worse then back before everything happened. Before I only paid little attention but now I sometimes even slept in class due to lack of sleep in my own house. I have no idea what we're doing in class, I go just to be there. I thought the reason I wanted to go back to school was because I wanted to please Father but now I'm not so sure what I'm doing there.
Due to lack of energy both in the food and sleep department I wasn't very agile. I was very late to all of my classes. To put it in blunt terms, I was failing miserably in school just as I was miserable at home. There was no where I could go where I could feel whole again.
One day I was getting up slowly to leave the class when it ended (and when the bell woke me up from my sleep) I felt this pain in my stomach. I was used to it but this one was different. I was felt unstable, and dizzy and after a few moments I woke up in the nurse's office. It seemed I had fainted in class, with everybody watching and I immediately go mad. How could I embarrass myself like that? The fuss that everyone probably caused to get me here...
I looked around the nurse's office. It sickened me and I almost threw up the non-existent contents in my stomach. It was very...white. Too white. The room blinded me and I didn't even notice the nurse come in.
"How you doing there Kadaj?" She asked me in a nice voice.
I didn't reply.
"You know, the reason you probably fainted was because your eating habits aren't too healthy at the moment. Is there a specific reason you've been doing bad in class? Your teacher tells me you never pay attention, even sleep half the time. You're always late too and you don't participate in anything. Is it a problem at school? Home?" Nurse lady asked.
I didn't reply.
She didn't say anything for awhile and checked my temperature and all that useless crap.
"So, when was the last time you ate?" She asked.
"I don't know," I muttered. A month ago? Who knows...I didn't care.
"Well I have some candy in my drawer. That should settle your stomach for now; After that I want you to get a good lunch at the cafeteria. We must do something about your eating habits Mister!"
"I don't like candy," I told her but I don't think she heard me.
She came over and placed some in my hand. I looked at the candy and finally at her, and noticed she had been staring at me.
"Kadaj you sleep in class a lot don't you? But why are your eyes so red?" She wondered.
I didn't reply and inspected the candy. How did she expect me to eat this?
"I'll tell you what. I'll ring up your counselor for you. Won't that be fun?" Nurse lady smiled at me and went to the phone.
What the hell? How is that supposed to be fun? This lady was the one who needed a therapist. Not me. I was perfectly fine. Why couldn't everyone just leave me alone?
I was sent to the counselor's office awhile later. I won't go over the details, because frankly I don't know them myself. I'm accustomed to staring up at his books and therapist awards when he talks and I don't pay attention. All I can tell you is that first he went over my health habits, and he blabbed just like the nurse that I should eat more healthily and sleep more. He explained my lack of energy was very unhealthy. What do I care if its unhealthy? What if I want to be unhealthy? I don't want to be like everyone else.
After that he went on to explain the reason I was being like this was probably because I was depressed. He asked me again and again what I was depressed about. However, I couldn't really tell him. Unless he wanted to sit there and watch me lecture a novel's length on why my life sucks.
"Maybe something at school? Bullying? Student threats?" Counselor guy wondered.
I haven't been getting bullied anymore. But the occasional threats still do come, but they are pretty mild. For some reason there's this new word kids are calling me now. I don't know what it means and I've tried looking it up, but I couldn't get a serious, official description. Who the heck came up with the word "Emo" anyway?
"How about at home? Is everything ok with your family, your parents?"
No. Everything is not ok with my family. I don't even have a family anymore. And don't get me started on my "parent".
The counselor saw that I wasn't responding, but he kept asking me questions anyway.
"How about friends? People who were close to you? Did any one of them betray you in some way that now, you feel like you have no friends? Maybe you're depressed about that?"
Hmm. What can I say? This is man is obviously a master of his craft. Yet, I didn't confess anything. I had the right to remain silent.
"Alright Kadaj, I'll let you think about it. It seem you're not really in the mood to talk so I'll let you go to lunch. The nurse does advise you to eat something. If anything is bothering you, don't hesitate to come to me," The counselor dismissed.
Right. I'll come running when somehow, Father talks to me again. Yazoo and Loz move back in. Keely will magically un break my heart and erase all the hurt. Right.
I got out of that horrid room and headed home. Screw lunch. Screw the nurse and that counselor.
However, my "accident" wasn't a mild incident. People started to ask me if I was ok. I ignored them when a familiar voice asked me the same question.
"Hey, Kadaj. Are you alright? I heard what happened." It was Yazoo.
I turned around and faced him. He gave me a worried look. "What's up with you man? You look like shit," He noted. Thanks Yazoo. I believe I feel like shit too.
"What do you want?" I demanded.
"I want to know how you're doing. I haven't seen you in a long time," Yazoo replied calmly.
"Because you never tried seeing me. I haven't seen you either, perhaps it's because you've been avoiding me. So don't come out with that stupid worried look, suddenly acting like you care. I don't need your pity," I told him coldly.
"Wow. I can't believe you think that. I haven't been avoiding you, Kadaj. I've just been busy. Now that I heard something happened, I wanted to find out if you were ok. I mean, you always liked being alone, I thought you were content. But it seems you're not doing alright like I thought. You're as pale and skinny as ever. Have you seriously not been eating?"
"No. I haven't. And I'm not hungry," I replied.
"C'mon Kadaj. Eat something with me. You have to stop acting like this, you'll get hurt," Yazoo warned.
"I believe I can't be hurt anymore then I am now, thank you," I replied and started to walk away. Yazoo held me back.
"Look, don't walk away from me. I'm going to take you to my house and we're going to talk things through, alright? You have to turn your life around. You're going nowhere like this."
"Stop lecturing me. And more importantly, don't try to help me either," I replied. What was he talking about, his house?
"Kadaj...what are you going to do? Why can't you just let someone help you?" Yazoo asked.
"Because when they try to help, they only make everything worse. I mean, you think you're being helped? Yazoo, you're brain washed. Don't you know that?" I tried to explain, but I wondered if he'd know since he was brain washed and all.
"Yes. I do know."
I stared at him. "You know?"
"Are we talking about the whole Shin-Ra thing now? Oh, Kadaj. Are you still following Father?"
"No...he...deserted me," I mumbled.
"About time. Haven't you realized he doesn't want anyone? He wants to be alone. So why the hell are you still following his rules and ideals as if he trusts you again?"
"I don't follow Father. I follow Mother," I snapped. Though, I'm not sure whether I do anymore either.
"You don't even know where she is," Yazoo snarled.
I wonder how he knew all this. "Are you a spy too?" I asked.
"No. But I am helping with the experiment. And I think that's the thing that will change you. It will make your life better, Kadaj. Take it from me," Yazoo explained. "I'm still trying to help you. Why are you going to such an extent to please someone who doesn't even care whether you exist or not?"
"I don't want to be brain washed. I don't want to follow anyone. I only want to be left alone," I told Yazoo.
He looked me for a moment, and finally shook his head. "Well, you got your wish. Are you happy now? Everyone's left you. Are you sure you don't want to join Loz and I?"
"Loz?" I wondered. "Since when was he on to the whole experiment?"
"He was the whole time. Though, it wasn't the Sisters who introduced him to it. Cloud hooked him up. Loz is doing much better. He's stopped smoking and laid off the drugs. He helps Cloud around with his business," Yazoo explained. "You see? Brothers stick with each other."
I leveled my eyes with his. "I have no brothers," I replied coldly. I turned around and walked away.