TOPIC: Stone statues, a remote control, a map of Guatemala, and a placemat.
Armstrong: Ed, Truth or Dare?
Ed: I feel like a dare again!
Armstrong: I dare you to retrieve the mystic Lotus Sword!
Ed: ...what's that?
Armstrong: Deep in the South American rainforest, hidden well within a secure temple, there lies a Sword so magificent it hasn't seen the light of day for 3000 years...
Ed: ...Okay...
Winry: We'll all help you, Ed.
Al: Yeah.
Roy: Here's a map of Guatemala. (hands him the map)
Ed: Okay! We attack tomorrow...
Al: ...It's a treasure hunt, not a battle strategy...
Ed: (blinks) Oh, sorry, wrong movie..
(they fly out to Guatemala and follow Ed through the rainforest)
Ed: (holding up map) Okay, according to this, we should head... That-a-way! (points east)
Winry: Uh... (takes the map out of Ed's hands and puts it back in his hands upside down)
Ed: Well now it's upside down!
Winry: ...No, now it's right-side up...
Ed: (stares at the map) Ooooh, then we need to head twice as far in this direction! (points west)
(everyone sweatdrops. it takes them a day to get there)
Al: (kicks something) Hm? What's this? (picks it up) It looks like a remote control.
(everyone gathers around Al, except Ed, who's trying to pull a banana off a tree)
Roy: What do you think it does?
Al: Dunno.
Winry: Well press something on it.
Al: Okay (presses a button on it. In the background behind everyone, Ed hits himself in the face with his automail arm. No one notices..)
Winry: Press something else.
Al: (presses another button. In the background, Ed is seen literally kicking his own ass with his automail leg)
Roy: Let me see that! (grabs it and presses a bunch of different buttons on it. In the background Ed is seen beating himself up, fighting with monkeys, falls to the ground, then strangled by his automail arm and dragged across the ground with his automail arm)
Hawkeye: I guess we'll never know what it goes to...
Winry: Oh well. Hey Ed- (turns to Ed) Ed! What in the unholy name of Hell happened to you?
Ed: (smiles, missing a few teeth, bruised all over, barely standing) Hi Uncle George, my name's Mommy! (falls to the ground)
(they all gather around Ed except Roy, who's holding the remote)
Roy: Hmm... (looks at the remote, then looks at Ed, then the remote again, then back to Ed. He presses a button and Ed's arm punches Armstrong in the face)
Armstrong: What did I ever do to you?
Ed: I didn't do it!
Roy: (smirks) This is gonna be fun... Hey Riza! C'mere!
Hawkeye: (blinks) sure (walks over to Mustang)
Roy: Check it out! (points remote at Ed, pushes a button. He does the Robot)
Hawkeye: So that's what it goes to! (snatches the remote from Roy, then presses a button. Ed's arm starts doing non stop karate chops) Hey! (runs over to the group, Mustang follows) I know what the remote goes to!
Everyone: What?
Hawkeye: Check it out! (presses a button. Ed's leg makes him walk into a tree, he falls on the ground again)
Everyone: Oooooh.
Ed: (gets up) QUIT DOING THAT!
(They continue their journey and come across a large temple covered in vines with two stone statues on either side of the large door)
Roy: Well, this wasn't that hard. No one got hurt, anyway.
Ed: (glares at Mustang) Okay, this place could be booby-trapped, so watch what you're doing. (steps on a button) Like that...
(The two Stone Statues come to life and start slashing the group with their swords. Everyone ducks for cover)
Winry: C'mon Ed! You can take em!
Ed: Damn right I can!
(winry looks in her hand, sees the remote, and starts pressing buttons on it. Ed's automail hand comes off at a hinge and he shoots a rocket at a statue out of the hollow arm)
Ed: WINRY! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU BUILD INTO THIS THING?
Winry: A surprise! (presses more buttons, Ed's leg kicks the other statue and makes it crumble)
Ed: Don't... do... that... again...
Al: Well, you defeated 'em at least..
Ed: Yeah, yeah.
(They walk inside and in the middle of the room is a pedestal with a sword on a placemat)
Sheska: Be careful Ed, that altar could be rigged.
Ed: There's absolutely nothing to worry about! (picks the sword up) see? (a hair from his head falls on the placemat, an arrow goes whizzing past Ed's head, narrowly avoiding him) Yep, nothing to worry about.
Everyone: (stares at Ed)
Roy: Maybe it's a good thing you're short..
Ed: Whatever..