Title: Renaissance Part 2: The Past Avoided
Author: Cryptic Quill
Spoilers: AU, First Season, Jack/Janet relationship
Status: On-Going
Rating: T (Just in case)
Disclaimer: I don't own any Stargate SG-1 or any of the scripted characters, they're the property of someone else. They're just mine to toy with.
Author's Note: Again the same tag-line as before, this is a Jack/Janet fic and may not suit everyone's tastes, especially the Jack/Samantha & Dan/Jan 'shippers out there.
This one starts rough, ends strangely and I can't explain any of it. The writing may not get better but I promise the plot will soon. Thanks for the patience, thanks for reviewing and most of all thanks for spending some time in this AU that I've created.
There gymnasium in the lower levels of Stargate Command was rather primitive, consisting mostly of free weights. The Cheyenne Mountain complex above it on the other hand, contained a gym that was complete with an indoor pool, sauna, free weights and a basketball court. Tens of thousands of tax dollars worth of equipment to keep the nation's soldiers in peak physical shape, but Colonel Jack O'Neill was only making use of a canvas bag of sand. The only sound in the dimly lit room was that of dull thuds of his fists pounding the heavy bag, his loud breathing and the squeak of his shoes against the hardwood floor. Every hook, jab and cross was intended to batter away memories he'd tried desperately to crush, only to have them rise up again.
Dressed in gray gym shorts and an Air Force Academy tee shirt, the sweat had gathered and was flowing off of him in rivulets. He was achingly tired and his punches were getting slower, less crisp, although the spray of perspiration still flew from his brow with each blow. Despite his weariness he knew it would be pointless to go home to his empty house, he needed to be busy either in body or mind. His thoughts couldn't find peace after today's events of being off-world to gather the two remaining members of SG-3 while a third was being operated on in the infirmary by Dr. Janet Frasier.
Janet Frasier. Here at SGC.
Of all the Stargates in all the worlds in all the universe, she walks into mine, he thought bitterly. Casablanca had been one of their late night movie favorites. Twisting the line from the movie foolishly just brought forth the memories.
They had dated for four months, meeting at a retirement party for one of Jack's former commanding officers. It had been exactly what each of them needed, newly divorced and finding that their scars hadn't left them immune to the possibility of another relationship.
Until I screwed it up, Jack derided himself. He landed a particularly hard jab at the heavy bag but the memory refused to be flattened by the blow and danced in his mind, replaying the events of months ago.
Jack had been in the process of rebuilding his life when he met Janet. Sara had left him after his mission to Abydos and after the better part of a year he hadn't even considered seeing someone else until he met Janet. He'd gotten over Sara or at least as much as he could, as anyone could after fifteen years of marriage, and was existing before Janet. Five foot two with big brown eyes, she'd come so easily into his life and fit so well.
He'd been happy with her and was considering taking it further, maybe moving nearer to Nellis Air Force Base in Nevada where she was stationed. He'd had just since retired and was practically living there at her home anyway during those happy times.
During one of the few times he'd returned to Colorado Springs, mostly to collect his mail and make sure his house was still standing, Sara called wanting him to pick up some of his things. Nearly a year after the divorce and she was still finding bits and pieces of him around her house and she wanted them all gone.
It had started the way it always had. The comments by each of them escalating further until the words turned to acid. Always the underlying accusations Charlie but never bringing them out into the open. The festering wound of a lost child, never to fully heal.
"Our marriage was hardly a war, Sara." He stated somewhat condescendingly as he tossed a book into a cardboard box she had set aside, filled with mementos of him she couldn't bear to keep.
"Like hell it wasn't, Jack, at least as far as you're concerned. It was a struggle to get you to talk about anything. Whenever something went wrong, you were too afraid to share it and left me out."
"We shared a lot of things." Jack said off handedly. He knew where this might lead and wanted no part of it. He just wanted to get out of here and get on the first plane to Nevada. To feel needed and warm. He picked an object up from the box on the floor.
"A lot of pain" Sara said through gritted teeth.
"It was your decision, Sara. When I came back from my assignment you were gone. There's nothing I can do if you're not happy now."
Sara scoffed at his comment and narrowed her eyes in anger.
"Now? Maybe you were happy in our marriage, Jack but me? No. You'll never make anyone happy! All you do is bring pain and misery to everyone around you until there's nothing left to hurt!" Sara shouted.
For a heartbeat, then two, neither said anything but simply looked at each other until Jack broke their gaze and cast his eyes downward to the baseball he'd been holding. He gripped the worn, grass-stained ball of leather tenderly before putting it into his jacket pocket.
Sara saw the baseball and immediately regretted her words. She felt like someone else had spoken them, vomited them out into the atmosphere where she could only watch in disbelief. She had meant to hurt him as she felt she had been but there were lines, limits to the amount of acceptable damage and she had just crossed one.
Jack looked as if he had suffered an unexpected mortal wound. He turned to leave, speechless. There were no witty comebacks this time, no jokes to ease the tension, just a numbing realization.
"Jack…" Sara said, her voice little more than a whisper. She raised her hand to touch him, wanting to apologize but not knowing where to even begin.
He didn't even notice, he turned his back to her and gently placed the box on the floor.
"I don't really want any of this. Whatever's left of mine here, you can keep. Do…" He paused "Do what you want with it." He added softly.
The door closed to the home they once shared and Jack hoped to each other's lives as well. It was too painful to deal with. He needed Janet more than ever but it was that dichotomy that was his undoing.
The worst thing you can do in a situation is over think it and yet that's exactly what had happened with Jack. He had been afraid of Janet Frasier since then. Afraid of hurting her, being vulnerable, losing control of himself. Without meaning to, he'd hurt Sara very deeply and Charlie was just the largest and last of the many hurts. That was the problem in a nutshell.
Jack hadn't felt about anyone like he'd felt about Janet, except for Sara in their early days. Jack thought it would be him and Sara forever, he'd been so very sure of it. Mistaken once, possibly again. He couldn't bring that kind of pain to Janet if that was the case. She'd already been hurt once by that bastard ex-husband of hers. Jack was granite on the outside, he had to be. But Janet didn't deserve that kind of scar tissue. She deserved better and more than he could offer. He felt like damaged goods.
He was justifying it in his mind and his intentions were good. He had wanted to spare Janet the pain but he also knew he wasn't being completely selfless. Each time he looked into Janet's eyes, he lost himself in there a little more. If he gave himself over completely, it would be the end of him.
It started downhill for him and Janet after that. He didn't call as often, didn't visit her in Nevada as much and when he was there he was unintentionally distant. He tried to explain it to her but always skirted the exact reasons. He hoped she understood but he could never be sure. He barely understood himself. Jack felt as if he failed Sara by being too strong. With Janet, he'd not been strong enough.
Jack hit the heavy bag with a left jab and bobbed to the right against an imaginary opponent, putting too much weight on his right foot. He felt his knee pop in protest and immediately gave way underneath him, forcing him to the floor. It was a breathtaking pain that started in his knee before corkscrewing up his spine.
He curled up and held his knee tightly. It was just overstrain, the doctors had warned him about this, he reminded himself. He'd already had one operation on his knee and it had never been one hundred percent. His breath was leaving him in deep gasps and he just lay there for a few moments, letting the waves of pain wash over him and begin to trail off.
Jack felt his knee throb under his palm as he massaged it.
Gonna hurt like hell tomorrow, he thought.
But even Jack O'Neill couldn't have told you if he was speaking about his knee or not.
In the week that followed, Jack managed to avoid Janet Frasier for the most part, aside from small talk in groups while in the hallway involving nothing personal. In the last three days, he'd been off-world once and returned on her day off, allowing him to suffer the indignity of a post mission checkup without the additional tension.
Jack wasn't sure how long he could keep this up. He'd altered his mealtime, arrived early at the base, left late and sent junior officers to do tasks that might take him in the vicinity of Janet's office or the infirmary. It was grueling; he'd had less stress operating in subterfuge when in Iraq.
He was walking down the hallway leading to Daniel Jackson's office where he figured he could hide for a while. All he would have to do is ask an off hand question about some strange skull fragment and the young archeologist would eat up the time between now and dusk, lecturing about ancient myths. High price to pay, but Jack had done the research and it appeared a worthwhile deal.
With a spring in his step he turned the corner and spotted General Hammond walking towards him.
"Colonel O'Neill" The general greeted him with a nod and a stern look.
"General. And how are you, sir?" Jack responded with a smile. He knew that look, trouble's-a-brewin', he thought quickly.
His smile sank when Janet came into view, her small form had been blocked by the larger C.O. of Stargate Command. Her shorter legs hadn't been able to keep up with General Hammond as he pursued his little seen second in command.
Jack's smile faded somewhat but he renewed its appearance quickly. He went from a high to a low within a moment, feeling like he'd been sighted by a miniature sniper. He still couldn't believe she was here. Wearing her hair up too, he noticed, accentuating her neck.
"Doc" Jack acknowledged her, still trying to smile.
"Colonel." Janet responded flatly. There was no smile on her face. She knew Jack had been skulking about for days, hiding from her. They promised each other it wouldn't be like this and the first chance she got she was going to have a talk with him. The thought wasn't pleasant but this situation simply would not do.
"Have you been avoiding me, Colonel?" Hammond asked.
"No…sir" Jack's voice trailed as he answered unexpected question truthfully, as long as he didn't look at Janet when answering.
"Then where are my reports for P3X-422?"
D'oh! Jack exclaimed in his thoughts. He could answer truthfully but he didn't think the explanation of "see, I've been avoiding your office because it's on the way to her office" would be sufficient.
"Still working on them, General." Jack bragged. "You know me sir, once the quill is in motion-"
"Well put the quill down and get me those reports. I have deadlines too, Colonel." Hammond interrupted.
"Well talk later, Doctor" He said with a far more friendly tone, looking down at Janet.
No, don't go, Jack silently pleaded.
"Soon, Colonel" Hammond glared at his second in command and walked down the hall, leaving Jack and Janet alone.
As the two former lovers stood side by side, neither could find anything to say. Had the hallway not been intermittently populated, Janet would have voiced her opinions but she didn't want to risk being overheard.
Feeling uncomfortable with the silence, Jack was the first to break it.
"So…Talking to the General" Jack observed dully. He bounced a little on the balls of his feet.
"Fitness reports" She answered mildly as an airman walked past them on his way down the hall.
Jack nodded.
"Well I should-"
She cut him off with a crisp rise of her hand to his face and looked up at him with stern eyes.
"My office. Now Colonel." Janet said icily, out of earshot of those around them and began walking.
He was about to remind her of the difference in rank when she stopped suddenly to make sure he was following her. Jack drew his breath to speak but Janet held up a her index finger to stop him from protesting.
"Ah!" She warned and returned to her walking.
Not another word was said by either party until they reached Janet's office. She held the door open for him with one hand and rested the other on her hip. She pursed her lips as she waited for him to enter. Jack proceeded with one shoulder first as if he wanted to ram the wall for an escape.
She shut the door behind her loud enough that several of her diplomas on the wall shook in protest.
"So how's the avoidance? Working out well for you, is it?" Janet asked sweetly, tightening her hands into fists and doing her best to hold back the rage bubbling beneath the surface.
"Actually, no." Jack admitted. Any fool could tell she was mad, and he had been with her long enough to gauge her anger on the Janet-scale. So far a seven, he theorized.
"Coming in early… leaving late... Not a good plan" She said sarcastically in a whisper but with a voice starting to darken.
"I'm working out the kinks in the system." He defended, hoping to keep it light.
That did it. Jack's sense of humor had been a delightful discovery once after she had gotten to know him. It was so much different than the dark and pensive man she had initially met. It was his sense of humor that made her fall for him. Now it just made her mad.
"Where in the hell do you get off?" Janet demanded.
He reassessed his earlier theory to a factor of 9. Maybe 9.5. He foolishly decided to press the issue.
"Colonel."
"What?"
"I believe the correct phrase is where in the hell do you get off, Colonel." Jack said with an air of superiority.
"Fine, Colonel." She hissed. "The next time you avoid me and return off-world early" She was standing directly underneath him, looking at him in the eyes from the level of his chest. "Or late, remember this. It's my infirmary and those silver birds on your shoulder do not buy you a reprieve."
Jack said nothing so she continued her tirade.
"I won't have my staff or patients disrupted. I have more to worry about than your ego." She used her index finger to make her point and dotted his chest.
Jack turned serious, he felt ashamed. She was right and he knew it. He couldn't afford to run for shelter when the stakes here at the Mountain were this high.
"We talked about this, Jack" She said, not softening her tone. "We have to be able to work together."
"You're right, I'm sorry." He admitted.
Janet wasn't expecting that. She was ready for a fight and a protracted one. She thought he'd flail his arms about and recite rules that benefited him and how he didn't answer to her. She wasn't entirely convinced it wasn't a trick, although that wasn't Jack's style. Seeing the contemplative expression he was wearing, she knew he was genuinely apologetic.
"I've been trying to deal with seeing you again. Here. It's…" Jack searched for the right word. Painful? Delightful? He wasn't sure of how to describe it and looking down at her beautiful face that still made him ache, even in the harsh fluorescent lights, he didn't think there was a way to.
"Terrible?" She tried to answer for him hesitantly, hoping that wasn't going to be his answer and he couldn't read the quiver in her voice.
"Different" He corrected. He'd missed this. The bantering and even the arguing. He felt foolish for trying to avoid her all week.
She relaxed somewhat, disarmed by his honesty. She backed away and subconsciously used her desk as interference to separate them.
"I'm sorry about what happened Janet. Then and now. I went through a bad time. I wish I could explain it but I just can't. Not right now." He wanted to tell her but it might open the door that had to remain closed. Regulations aside, he knew she couldn't have feelings for him now anyway. Not after what he'd put her through.
Janet sighed. Jack was a vault of secrecy and breaking through it was nigh to impossible. She wished he would let people in sometimes and understand that he didn't need to carry every burden. She had been willing to take some of it once. She wondered if he would ever let anyone that close to him again.
"You don't have to, Jack." She relished using his name and in the confines of privacy she knew he wouldn't seriously mind. She still hadn't gotten used to having to address him by rank in public.
"Can I buy you a coffee?" He asked out of the blue, nearly flooring her and himself. It simply slipped out without a conscious effort and he wondered for a moment if he'd actually asked her aloud.
"The mess has free coffee." She answered suspiciously.
It was already out there so he braced his resolve.
"That's not coffee, I think it's Goa'uld motor oil. As a physician you should look into it." Jack advised.
Her wall was cracking and she nearly slipped up and smiled at his bad joke. She wanted to stay angry at him but was finding it hard to maintain.
"Have you eaten dinner?" He inquired seriously.
She paused before answering. Was he asking her out? After all he'd put her through he was sadly mistaken if she would just swoon back into his arms over a happy meal.
"Yes, earlier in the mess."
He took that as a rejection. He wasn't trying anything untoward, he just wanted to talk. It was a strange feeling and one he didn't expect until just this moment. The need to just be around someone and simply communicate about nothing important. Frankly, he just wanted to be around her even if he couldn't be with her.
"But I could use some coffee." She said with the hint of a smile.
To be continued….