Chapter 2

I watched her slam the door. I stood in the spot where she had stormed out on me more than once frozen, determined not to show weakness until I knew that she was well away. How could she think of doing what she had done? Accepting this stupid job? I had finally thought that I was letting her go. Of course it was only a few months ago I was watching the NFL play offs and the camera closed up on her face flashing congratulations in bold lettering. No doubt congratulating her on her engagement. She was smiling, she looked happy. It took him to make her happy. Her smile not only radiated and lit the stadium that day, it also broke my heart.

In appearance she hadn't changed. She was still beautiful, her long hair which she was no longer wearing straight but in large round curls around her face. Her large hazel eyes still captivated me. Her skin still porcelain and her figure still tall and slender. She dressed more grown up now. She was what my mother would have described as chic. Even if the outside had not changed, the inside had. I saw a fire in her eyes, mixed with sadness, I could see the girl that she used to be but the woman that she had become. She was strong, not like before. She was independent, I supposed that experience had changed her. I know that we hurt each other but I still like to blame her.

I am sure that it must seem as if I hate her for what transpired between us. I knew that I would be kidding myself if I didn't admit somewhere deep inside I had to hate her in order not to love her. Still she brought the tingles that I had thought would have died between us and I know that whether she will ever let herself believe it she wanted me to kiss her tonight. It seems cruel that I would do what I had done, teasing her like that. But I had to know. I am not sure if it has made me happier to see the desire in her eyes or if I succeeded in hurting myself only once again.

I still blame myself ultimately for losing her. Even though she was the first to actually break. I still know that it was only my fault that she did it. He's better for her anyway. I see he adores her. He can give her what I never could or what she never believed that she had from me, his whole heart. I was young and she terrified me. No woman that I had ever been with, had ever made me feel the way that she had. For that matter no woman had ever been able to evoke so much rage and anger within me either.

Had I not been so immature I would have never been able to do what I did that ultimately lead to me losing her. I still look into Trish's eyes with regret, I don't think that she hated me but she hated her self for what we had both done to Sam. Even though the two weren't the best of friends, Trish knows that she should have never gone along with me. I look back and I realized how cruel what I had done to Sam really was but it was an experiment. I never thought that I would have ever fell for someone like her.

She was so good so All-American, the girl next door, sweet, innocent, nieive, not the sex kittens I normally went after. She resisted me at first, but I made her believe that I was just misunderstood, that I was nothing like the reputation that preceded me. Somewhere in trying to convince her that I wasn't who I was, I almost became the part that I played. When I realized that I had to do something, to what I thought then was to save who I thought that I wanted to be. What I really did was purchase the coffin that our relationship would be laid to rest in. She was the one that really had the courage to pluge the final nail.

I will never forget her eyes as she walked in on what she thought was unfaithfulness and made her rush into the real thing. The whole time I thought that I shouldn't have done it. The whole time I wanted to believe that I was still hard assed Randy. That she hadn't got to me, but when I saw her eyes that night I finally understood that she had won and her love and really changed the person that I was. By then it was too late.

An hour later, she was already in his arms.

When she came back and confessed everything I should have told her the truth instead of letting her believe that I had cheated on her. But I wanted to really hurt her as much as she had hurt me. I wanted to rip her heart out because she had stomped all over mine. She was apologetic and tears streaked her face, I could tell that she had not slept that whole night. But I still just kept a clenched jaw and with one quick sweep of my arm threw all of her belongings out into the hallway. With that she was gone. I had vanished every trace of her but her memory.

I just wish that she had taken the damn good guy that she had created in the place of who I thought I was. After what Trish and I had done it bonded us, she spent time with me comforting me. Eventually one thing led to another, she could accept that I may never be over Sam. I couldn't accept deep down that she was part of the reason that drove her away.

Interrupting my thoughts as if in a movie sequence the door opened. I knew that it couldn't be Sam. Without looking up I knew who it was. "Trish," I started.

"Damn it Randy, what in the hell is she doing here?" She was mad but not as much at me as it seemed herself. I knew how she felt. Sam was a ghost that would always haunt her past too.

"She works here." I said finally moving from the spot that I had been perched since Sam once again walked out that door.

"She what?" Trish said. I am not sure if she was more upset because she knew what I didn't want to admit or that she felt the guilt immerse her small figure once again. "What dose she do?"

"Don't ask." I said crossing the room to where she stood.

"No, she's not your new...?" Her voice trailed off as she could tell by the look in my eyes the answer.

We sat in silence for so long, neither of us knowing what to say to the other. Trish knew I never fell in love with her. We both found physical comfort in each other. We have called it a relationship but we both knew where my heart never really strayed. The time had changed the petite blonde that stood in fount of me. When we both met Sam we were both immature all we cared about was having the time of our lives. She had been sitting in a Barnes & Nobel alone sipping some sort of latte. She was as I said earlier innocent. I bet Trish that I could sleep with her with in four months. And then to get rid of her so to speak she would catch Trish and I in the act. She bet me I was wrong and that she was the type of little miss perfect that would not fall to my charm.

She was right and wrong. Sam only fell when I showed her me. The real me. The me that only she really knew. Trish pressure me to go through with it. I resisted until I could no longer and then gave in, not knowing that it would rip me to pieces in the long run. Now looking at Trish I knew that she hated herself as much as I hated myself.

"She's different you know..." Trish broke the silence. "She's not like she was...she is strong now."

"I know," I said. I walked over to the mirror and starred at the man that looked back at me and wondered if it were him out here if he could have done what I had. I saw Trish walk up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder. I wanted to shrug it away. I wanted to tell her that all I would do would be to see Sam's face, but instead I turned and kissed her, and once again tried to take away my emotional pain with physical pleasure.