Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with Warner Brothers or Dorothy Parker Drank Here or anyone else attached in any way with Gilmore Girls.
Chapter 2 – Scattered Pieces
Paul Anka jumped out of the Jeep as soon as Lorelai opened the door and he smelled the air of home. He was so happy to be home. Maybe now everything would get back to normal.
Everything had been weird for some time. Paul Anka didn't handle weird well. He liked his routine.
It really started to be weird that night that Mom did not come home. She never left him alone all night before. Then, no one came to feed him in the morning. He really needed to take a walk (you know, to relieve himself) but no one came to walk him either.
He had tried to hold it in but eventually he had lifted his leg and relieved himself against the kitchen table. He was sorry about that but, gee, what's a dog to do?
Finally as the sun began to set again, Sugar Toes (a.k.a Rory) showed up. Boy was he happy! First of all, he really loved Sugar Toes and secondly, he still needed that walk. Plus, his dinner bowl was empty and the water bowl was getting low.
Sugar Toes took him for a walk around the neighborhood. It sure felt good to walk and uh, take care of business. He was happy.
Just as they were heading back towards home, Cat Woman (a.k.a Babette) came out to talk with Sugar Toes. He liked Cat Women even though she smelled like Cat (a.k.a Apricot). As soon as he saw Cat Woman, he began sniffing the air for Cat. He didn't like Cat. Cat scared him.
Sugar Toes talked with Cat Woman for a few minutes. He didn't pay much attention since he was busy watching out for Cat but he did hear something about taking a little vacation. He wasn't sure what a vacation was but as long as he was with Mom and Sugar Toes and, hopefully, Dad, he'd be happy.
Sugar Toes took him back in and fed him some kibble. He really had hoped that Dad would come and fix him a burger but kibble was better than nothing. He watched as Sugar Toes packed up Mom's clothes and his food and toys. Looks like a vacation meant leaving home. He didn't think he was going to like taking a vacation.
And it turned out that he was right. Mom had been so sad the whole time they were on vacation. Sugar Toes had been sad too. Dad didn't even show up for the vacation and Paul Anka really missed him. No one fixed him a burger.
Boy was he glad that the vacation was over. Maybe now Dad would come home and cook his burger and make Mom not so sad.
Luke was wiping down the counter. It was a nervous habit. Whenever he wasn't cooking or serving or stocking or tallying, he would wipe. After all, a counter could never be too clean.
It was the afternoon lull. Only Kirk was in the diner. Caesar was cleaning the grease trap and Lane wasn't expected in until 4:00PM for the dinner rush.
Luke was wiping down the counter for the umpteenth time that day when he saw it. It was her Jeep. He would recognize it anywhere. Straining to see who was driving, his heart leaped! It was her; she was back.
His heart began racing. She was back but for how long? Was she staying? Where had she been? Would she talk with him? Would she even listen to him after what he had said that night? Did she still care? Did she still love him?
He wanted to run out the door and head to her house this very minute. He needed to see her, to talk with her; he needed to kiss and hold her. He needed to fix everything. He needed to tell her how stupid he had been and how sorry he was that he had screwed it all up. He needed her to know how important she was to his life. He needed her to know how much he loved her and how much he just needed her.
But he was afraid.
So much had happened and most of it was his fault. He still couldn't believe how he had let it all spin away. How had he been so dense, so obtuse? How could he not notice how hurt she was? How could he not see how hard it had all been for her? How could he have shut her out of his life?
Of course, now he knew. That's what three weeks, five days, and seventeen hours of self-examination and flagellation will do for a guy. It makes you look back at all your mistakes, at all of your wrong choices. It makes you relive over and over again every damn stupid action that you took and really see how it wounded the one person you truly loved. It makes you see what you should have seen but didn't.
He had never meant to make her feel unimportant in his life. God, she was the most important thing in his life, she and April. He would rather die than be forced to choose between them. Yet, essentially that's what she thought he did and she felt he choose April.
She had been the only one that was truly important in his life for so many years. He was always there for her. He made a science of studying her face and body language. She was good at masking whatever was really going on in her mind and he had become the expert at deciphering her subtle signals. But that was before his life had become so complicated.
Of course, who in their right mind could have foreseen April's appearance in his life? Only in the mind of a delusional soap opera writer or an arrogant, "out of new ideas" network TV producer could such a scenario seem plausible. Yet, it happened to him.
From the moment April first appeared and started talking about a DNA test and "Who's Your Daddy", he had been in shock. He had never planned to go to that science fair but suddenly he found himself there. He saw the evidence, he was a father.
For over twelve years he had had a daughter; Anna's kid, his and Anna's kid. He never thought that HE would be in this situation.
Sure he had lived through a pregnancy scare with Rachel but what had most scared him was the fear that she would abort their kid if she turned out to be pregnant. He wanted the kid. He had already decided to try to get her to let him raise it if she turned out to be pregnant. He would have made any deal with her if she would just agree to carry the baby.
Luckily the scared was for nothing. She wasn't pregnant and he vowed to be more careful.
After Rachel left and broke his heart that last time (well, it wasn't the last time she left but it was the last time she broke his heart), he didn't want anything to do with women. He lived his life solo without any pesky emotional tangles. It was good for a time but after a while he started to feel lonely.
Then one day, a couple of years after Rachel left the first time, he met Anna.
She was pretty, funny, nice, and down to earth. His gut told him immediately that they would get along. Anna had shared with him when they first got together that she wasn't looking for marriage or a family and that worked for him.
In fact, according to Anna, she couldn't even get pregnant (she had had some sort of inflammation or infection, he wasn't sure what since he hadn't really paid attention) but it meant that he didn't have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy. That suited him just fine and it also meant that he didn't have to worry about, you know, protection.
They had fun together which was good. He had been so down after Rachel left that it was nice to have fun again. He and Anna would go out to eat together or go see a movie, sometimes go bowling or just watch TV, and of course, there was sex. They both enjoyed the sex.
He thought everything was good between them but then, about seven or eight months after they started dating, she said she wanted to have a talk. He knew what that meant. Nothing good every came after a women said, "We need to talk".
Anna started by asking him, "Where do you see this relationship going?"
Luke didn't really know how to respond. He wasn't the type that planned for the future much (well, not as far as relationships; he did try to plan financially but that's all). His response was something lame like he didn't really know but he thought things were going good now so he guess that he wanted it to continue.
That was definitely not the response she was looking for. Apparently, she hoped for something more; something more solid, something more stable from him.
That idea made him squirm. He wasn't looking to commit to anything other than a monogamous relationship. He didn't want to live with her and he definitely wasn't ready to marry her. He liked his space. He just wanted to spend time with her and he had thought that was what she wanted, too.
Evidently he was wrong. She told him that she was really looking for more of a commitment and if he didn't see that in their future, then maybe they were wasting their time. She wanted to end it.
He understood. They weren't on the same page. He didn't want to hurt her, he did care for her but he wasn't in love with her and couldn't pretend to be. If she couldn't be happy with that, then it was better that they end it. That way she could maybe find what she was looking for. He thought they ended on good terms.
Now he wondered if she had a different agenda for "The Talk". Maybe she already knew that she was pregnant. Maybe because he hadn't offered her any indication of a different future together, she had decided to not tell him about his kid. Maybe he had screwed up.
After finding out he was a father, he was really confused. Neither April nor Anna seemed to want or need him in their lives. After all, April was already twelve. The sudden appearance of her father at this point in her life seemed more dramatic that necessary. He decided to just ignore the whole thing.
Unfortunately that was easier said than done.
He couldn't forget that he had a kid no matter how hard he tried. Then, at Thanksgiving, when Lorelai had told him that Christopher was finally stepping up and helping Rory (by paying for Yale) he felt sick. He was no better than Christopher.
Even though he wasn't involved in April's life, he still had a financial obligation to his kid and to Anna. He knew that kids were expensive to rear. He owed them.
He had to make that right. He tried to reach Anna but all he ever got was the answering machine. This was not the sort of message he could leave especially since he didn't want April to know anything about it. After all, she was only twelve; she didn't need to hear that stuff
When he finally was able to meet with Anna, it was all so surreal. She didn't seem at all apologetic about keeping his daughter from him. She said that since they were already broken up and she knew he didn't want or even like kids, she didn't tell him.
That hurt. He had always respected Anna and thought that she respected him. But if she didn't think that he was good enough to be April's dad, well that meant something, didn't it?
Maybe he didn't go out of his way to be spend time around kids. Maybe he was cranky about other people's kids. But that was different
He wouldn't have been that way with his kid. He would have loved and protected his kid. He knew that but if Anna thought otherwise, maybe everyone thought that also. That was not good.
After he left Anna's house that day, he was freaked. All he kept thinking about was April. Then when he looked at her web site, well, all of his feelings and frustrations just sort of exploded.
Next thing he knows, he is calling Anna and demanding to see April. He didn't think about what that meant or how that single action would change everything.
How could he know that one call would put in play a set of actions that would ultimately lead to that fateful night where he lost the love of his life? He should have thought it out, he should have seen it coming, and he should have talked with Lorelai. How could he be so blind and stupid? How did he let that happen?
Lorelai smiled as she watched Paul Anka survey and mark the yard. He seemed really happy to be home. She wished that she felt that way.
As she looked at the house that she had called home for over a decade, so many thoughts and emotions were whirling around in her that she couldn't pinpoint exactly what she felt. Her eyes began to sting as tears formed.
She didn't want to cry anymore.
Suddenly, she heard the sound of a car turning onto the driveway. She turned to see Rory parking her car behind the Jeep.
"Hey, you doing okay, Mom', Rory asked as she got out of her car.
Taking a deep breath, Lorelai replied, "I'm okay, it just kind of hit me again."
"I know, Mom, I get it, but it will get better."
She smiled at Rory as she said, "You're right. It was just, you know, a little much after that long drive, but I am okay. I can do this."
"We are strong, we are invincible, we are women", cried Rory!
"We are woman in serious need of caffeine!"
"Come on, Mom, let's get our stuff inside and start that coffee pot perking!"
Once inside, more memories threaten to overwhelm Lorelai. Everywhere she looked reminded her of him. She saw him in the living room stretched out on the sofa sleeping, or poking at the fireplace. She saw herself running down the stairs to meet him, wearing her "perfect dress" and him at the foot of the steps looking at her with so much love and awe. He was in the kitchen cooking, or cleaning, or eating. His essence permeated every fiber of this house.
That cold emptiness that had formed in her gut when she walked out on him was beginning to expand again. She had spent the last weeks wrestling with that emptiness and thought that she had finally learned to contain it. Now it threatened to engulf her again.
Nausea began creeping into her gut as she began to feel light-headed. She sunk down on the sofa and rested her head, trying to center her emotions once again.
"I am strong, I can do this" she chanted like a mantra in her head. Slowly the light headedness and the nausea began to subside. Strength and resilience began to return to her body. Determination was overcoming her fears and insecurities. She was once again the master of her being.
Lorelai had spent the last few weeks coming to grips with the reality of losing Luke. At first she could only feel anger, pain and anguish. She couldn't think, she couldn't reason. All of her actions were merely instinctual responses, no comprehension; no analysis was factored into her cognitive process.
She was beyond hurt when she left Luke that night. She was totally broken. She had gotten into her Jeep and drove off. There was no destination. She merely was running.
At some point she must have made a decision. She had no memory of that. All she knew is she ended up in Boston that night and she was knocking at Christopher's door.
Looking back, she saw what an odd decision that was. Under normal conditions, she would have turned to Rory but Rory was dealing with Logan. Rory had always been there to help her pick up the pieces of her life, well almost always. But to choose Christopher as an alternate, that was really bizarre.
Christopher had never been someone she relied on for support. He wasn't strong and he wasn't what you might call trustworthy.
She had known him since they both were six. Even then, she was always the instigator of their mischief and he just followed her lead. Chris talked a good game, but when it came to planning and carrying any high jinx, he was not a leader just a follower.
He would rant and rave about how he would show Straub and Francine but when it came to actions, he was really all talk. Chris was sort of a rudderless boat without her and she knew that.
When everyone found out about the pregnancy, Chris was totally worthless. Richard, Emily, Straub, and even milquetoast Francine were all after her to do "the right thing". Right thing for whom, she wanted to know, because it wasn't the right thing for her or Chris or IT.
Lorelai pleaded with Chris to help her make them all understand but he just sat there looking lost and dazed. When she and Chris had talked privately about how they were going to deal with becoming young parents, he was totally on board with her stance but then the minute the parents got a hold of him, he caved to their position. He was absolutely useless to her.
Was she the only one who saw marriage between two 16 year olds as a total farce leading only to a disaster? Yes, she acknowledged that getting pregnant at 16 was a huge mistake. What she couldn't understand is why anyone would think that making an equally big mistake (i.e. marriage) would fix anything?
It was at that point she realized that she was going to be raising this kid alone. She knew that she could never rely on Chris.
She always forgave him for his lack of parental interaction with Rory. After all, she thought, what else did she expect from him? A zebra can't change its stripes. Christopher would always be feckless; a charming, witty, feckless ne'er-do-well.
That's why she was shocked that she, in her near catatonic state, had turned to Christopher for support! And that's why she was equally surprise by his compassionate and sensitivity and how he had handle everything. He really came through for her.
(tbc)