Chapter Seventeen: The Villain of Gryffindor

It was well past midnight, and the party was still in full swing. The Kneazles were blaring out on the wireless, pumpkin juice and butterbeer were flowing (and the seventh years had a secret bottle of firewhisky - but they weren't sharing) and it was being widely agreed that it was a shame that Hellraiser Evans's muggle cigarettes had been confiscated because they would just be the icing on the cake of a perfect party. It was noisy and exciting and one of the best nights of the boys' lives, and there seemed to be no end in sight to the celebration.

James was the centre of attention - of course - and was being fawned over and admired by so many Gryffindors that the others could barely get near him. Forget being more popular than Lily now; tonight he was more popular than Bobby Darrow. He wore a Gryffindor banner wrapped around his shoulders, like a cape, and someone had made him a paper crown and he was delightedly holding court over the lesser mortals who, tragically for them, did not have his skills at Quidditch.

'Can I get you something else to eat?' A fourth year girl asked him eagerly. 'Anything at all - it's no trouble.'

'Yeah - alright. I'll have another liquorice wa-' the music was suddenly cut off, and he was yelling too loudly in the unexpected hush. He turned to see what had happened. The conversations all around him ground to a halt - and a sudden and confused silence reigned over the common room. Then heads started turning towards the portrait hole - rippling out across the crowd until everyone was looking the same way.

And there was Big Macca - in her tartan dressing gown and slippers. Her face was bloodless, her lips had all but disappeared and her eyes were glinting dangerously.

'Professor -' Henry Bell started to say. 'What's going -'

'Everyone get to bed. Right this minute.'

And she looked so furious that no one dared to complain.

'Except for Black and Potter - you two come with me.'

'Professor?' Bell said again.

'Bed!'

And despite the sheer number of them, and their sheer confusion, they all trailed upwards in silence - apart from James and Sirius - who stayed where they were. Remus looked back at them, as he headed for the stairs. James seemed utterly mystified as to what was going on, his expression was puzzled - worried, but with no sign of a guilty conscience. But it was Sirius's expression which made Remus's heart sink. Because Sirius simply looked resigned. His shoulders had squared - as if ready to take whatever was coming - and his eyes told Remus that whatever was coming was bad … and fully deserved.

This must have been the something stupid. It must have been found out.

'Professor -' he started to say.

'Get to bed, Lupin. I trust this does not involve you. Boys with me.'

Sirius stood up and headed for the portrait hole.

'Sirius- ' Remus said. But the other boy only glanced back, gave him a swift smile and a shrug of his shoulders - and then walked off to face his doom.

'Come on, Remus,' Peter muttered, tugging on his sleeve. 'Let's go upstairs - we don't want to cross Big Macca.'

The common room had emptied out, the celebratory spirit well and truly dampened down - as if McGonagall had poured cold water all over them. There was no one but the four of them left. Remus watched James and Sirius go - wanting to follow - wanting to stop the Professor from taking them… But he didn't say anything, and he didn't move - and when the portrait swung shut behind them, he followed Peter up to the dorm.

…

'What do you think has happened?' Peter asked, once they were alone.

'I don't know,' he rubbed his temples - feeling a headache coming on. His eyes were scratchy with tiredness all of a sudden, but his stomach felt like it had been filled with lead.

'Have you ever seen her that mad, before?'

'Once - at the Minister, when she threatened to arrest me … but never at a student. She wasn't even that angry last year, with the Whomping Willow…'

'What do you think James and Sirius have done?'

Remus shook his head - and didn't say anything. Though he had a horrible feeling that James had not done anything at all. 'Come on,' he said at last, 'let's just go to bed … We can ask them in the morning.'

They got into their pajamas, very silent and subdued now, and switched the light off - not even saying good night to each other. And then Remus lay on his back, stared up into the darkness - and worried.

After what seemed like an eternity, he heard the door open and then close again. One set of footsteps crossed the room - and then clambered into James' bed. There was the sound of the curtains being tightly drawn - a moment of silence - and then James began to cry.

Remus lay there and listened in - and tried to pretend that he was not listening in - that he could not hear. James would not want him knowing he was crying, would deny it, if Remus ever asked … But the sound of him quietly sobbing into his pillow made Remus's heart feel like ice.

He had never heard James cry before - never seen him upset. James was so happy-go-lucky, so exuberant, he was the boy who had it all - had nothing to trouble him … And now he was sobbing as if his heart would break - and Remus was so very afraid of what could have happened to make James cry like that. And so very afraid of why Sirius wasn't back yet - and what that might mean.

After another eternity of staring, he heard the door open again. Immediately the sobs were stifled, cutting off as if James had choked them back - determined not to let Sirius hear. There was the sound of another set of footsteps, of shoes being kicked off … and then Remus's curtains were pulled back and a dark shape crawled, fully dressed, right into his bed - without even saying anything.

Sirius just lay there beside him, and Remus could feel him trembling. He wrapped his arm around him. 'Have they chucked you out?' he whispered - horribly aware that James would be able to hear them. He didn't know what was going on - and yet, with James crying like that, it seemed like a betrayal of him to be comforting Sirius instead.

Sirius shook his head on the pillow. 'No.'

And Remus felt his insides relax. No matter what had gone wrong - no matter what terrible thing Sirius had done - if he wasn't expelled, they could fix it. They could put things right.

'McGonagall was going to. She took my wand and everything. But then Dumbledore arrived and stopped her.'

'Dumbledore?'

Sirius nodded. 'He said …he said that, with the world being the way it was, now was not the time to cast a boy like me out into the world by himself … that he wanted to keep me where he could keep an eye on me. In the hope I would learn not to do something so stupid again. He seemed to think, if I was expelled, that would be the end for me - I'd be a lost cause.'

'You'll never be a lost cause, Sirius. Thank God for Dumbledore. He always gives people chances … look at everything he's done for me.' He shifted a little uncomfortably. 'Sirius?' his voice was tentative, 'what did you do that was so stupid?'

But Sirius just shook his head and refused to answer. They lay there together, Sirius still trembling and the silence looming over them, until Sirius eventually broke it. 'Remus?' he said in a small voice. 'Promise you don't hate me.'

'Of course I don't - you know I don't.'

'Yeah but - promise me you won't hate me tomorrow. When you know what I've done…'

Remus squeezed him tightly. 'I promise I won't hate you, Sirius. No matter what you've done - no matter what you do - I promise I could never hate you.'

…

But by the next morning, if Remus didn't hate Sirius, he was the only one left in the school who did not.

Professor McGonagall came to the common room to address the whole house after breakfast. She still looked every bit as furious as she had done the night before. Her voice was icy and biting and she spoke without interruption for what seemed like a very long time.

'Never - in all my years at this school - have I ever been quite so horrified - so disgusted - as I am by what I am about to tell you,' she said. 'As you are all aware, Gryffindor Chaser, Morgana Murrows, was unable to take part in the Quidditch final due to being unconscious in the Hospital Wing - having had a suit of armour pushed on top of her. We had believed - in no small part due to the fact he has done this before, earlier in the year - that it was Peeves who was to blame, and we did not investigate as thoroughly as it turns out we should.'

Her nostrils flared.

Sirius was sitting in an armchair, completely still, staring into the flames. Remus was balanced on the arm, his hand rested comfortingly on Sirius's shoulder … Though he was watching McGonagall. His heart seemed to be beating at double speed as he waited to find out the truth. James was sitting as far away from Sirius as was humanly possible; his face was thunderous, but his eyes were still red from crying. Peter sat beside him, looking awkward and confused.

'Happily - Miss Murrows has woken up, none the worse for wear - thanks to Madam Pomfrey's skill, time and patience. For that - we can all be thankful. However… with her return to consciousness we have uncovered a disturbing truth indeed.'

Remus felt Sirius flinch beneath his hand … and he started to figure out what it was Sirius must have done.

'It seems that it was not Peeves who so viciously attacked Miss Murrows, but was instead another student.'

There was an audible intake of breath - but no one said anything. Sirius continued to stare into the flames. Remus squeezed his shoulder.

'Furthermore - this was not some interhouse rivalry, an attempt from one house to put out of action an opposing team member. How I wish I could blame any student but one of my own. No - this was an attack on one Gryffindor by another. And it was done purely so his friend could steal Miss Murrow's place on the Quidditch team in time for yesterday's final.'

There was another intake of breath - and heads all turned to look at James. Their expressions were no longer warm and admiring, and James looked like he was having to battle not to cry again.

'I'm sure none of you will argue that this was the most cowardly, low down and disgraceful bit of cheating that this house has ever been unfortunate enough to witness. And no doubt you will agree that - as Potter had no business being part of Saturday's lineup - everything he did for the team cannot be counted. All his goals are now null and void.'

There was a brief murmur from the assembled Gryffindors - but no one spoke up to disagree.

'Therefore the result of the match stands at 190 - 80. Gryffindor won the match, but Slytherin House has been retroactively awarded the cup.'

There was a break out of noise at that announcement - but she silenced them all with one glinting look. 'The house points Gryffindor won for winning the cup have also been deducted and added to Slytherin - and needless to say the perpetrator has been docked a further two hundred points. He was fortunate not to be expelled. I am very sorry to have to tell you all this; I am very sorry this has happened. I have never before been so ashamed of the conduct of a Gryffindor and I hope I never find myself in this position again. This is a very dark day for our house indeed. See that we never repeat it. Thank you.'

And she swept from the common room, leaving stunned silence in her wake.

And then a murmuring took up, and it turned into an angry buzzing - and people were turning and glaring at James, and words like "attention seeker" and "show off" and "egotistical prat" could be heard floating out of the general hubbub.

Remus had never seen James look so subdued - and after a while, he clearly couldn't take it any more because he got up and ran back to the dorm, Peter following on behind him.

And then the conversation turned to which of his friends had actually done it, had actually been the one to look Morgana in the face and push a full suit of armour on top of her. 'What kind of freak would do something like that?' Remus heard Tobias Winchester from fourth year say. 'What kind of monster is so utterly devoid of a sense of right and wrong?'

'What kind of traitor takes out a fellow Gryffindor?' asked Belvedere Johnson.

And it wasn't long until eyes started to turn to Sirius - who swore a lot and punched people and was always getting into trouble. And - well - he was a Black wasn't he? He wasn't really one of them, coming from a family like that…

'Come on,' Remus said - when the stares were getting downright dangerous and the whispers were well past the point where any one cared if they were overheard. 'Let's get out of here. Let's go for a walk.'

He put his arm around Sirius's shoulders, glared defiantly at anyone who looked at them - and led him towards the portrait hole.

'Thanks for not abandoning me,' Sirius said, once they were outside and walking round the lakeside path.

'I wouldn't do that.'

'No… you're better than me. Do you hate me?'

'Of course not.'

'You're the only one.'

'Don't be soft - this will all blow over. You'll see.'

…

But Remus was a werewolf, and not a centaur, and his powers of divination were sadly lacking. For the next morning, they arrived in the Great Hall for breakfast to find that - of course - Rita Skeeter was running with the story as her lead article in that week's edition of School News Scoops .

Chivalry is Dead!

The headline screamed.

The Villainy of the Gryffindors!

And then there was an enchanted sketch of Sirius looking very shifty indeed. Noticeably there was no sketch of James to accompany the piece, despite him also featuring heavily in the article. Sirius balled his hand into a fist when he saw the drawing, and his lips went thin - but he didn't say anything. His eyes flicked down the parchment, and he grew paler with every sentence.

Earlier in the year, your humble reporter (Rita Skeeter - who tirelessly guards the school's morals by shining a light on its murkiest depths) brought you the story of dirty dealings in the Gryffindor Quidditch team. I reported on how voracious gambling addict, McGalleons McGonagall, interferes with the fortunes of her team in order to bolster her own meagre teaching wage, when she bets on the outcome of the matches.

But now it would seem there are members of her house who have learned well from her lessons in moral bankruptcy.

For Gryffindor house, it must have seemed as if their prayers were answered when subpar chaser, Morgana Murrows, was sent unconscious to the Hospital Wing right before Saturday's final. In her place, Captain Bell chose to use exciting new talent - James Potter.

Despite his youth, Potter scored five of the team's eight goals including the final one which clinched the victory from the jaws of defeat. Truly it seemed like Gryffindor finally had a world class player of its own, who could lead them into a golden age of success after dawdling woefully in the doldrums of failure under the dismal leadership of previous captain, Alex Wood.

But it turns out that - prodigious talent or not - Potter is a wastrel and every bit as underhand and shady as his house mistress. For his place on the team was stolen. The attack on Murrows was not the work of Peeves the Poltergeist (an innocent victim of injustice and mistaken identity) and was instead the dirty work of Potter's best friend and partner in crime, Sirius Black the third.

Although sources close to Potter insist that he knew nothing of the violence (dare we say "attempted murder"?) perpetrated by his friend, we cannot rule out that he may have had a hand in this. After all, in playing for the team, he became the youngest Gryffindor player since the legendary Prewett twins (who only gained their place due to the nepotism of their older sister). He got the chance to fulfil his dream and cover himself in glory in front of a schoolwide audience - one can see that he had the most to gain from the incapacitation of Murrows.

However it does appear to be a fact that it was not he that struck the fateful blow. The dark shadow behind this crime - proving himself to have a character as black as his name - was Potter's fellow Gryffindor second year, Sirius the third. And your reporter, relentless as ever, dug around to give you the full scoop on everything known about Mr. Black - the blackhearted villain of the piece.

'He has a really foul temper,' reports Galahad Sheridan of Ravenclaw. 'A real mean streak. Last year he thumped me right in the jaw when I asked that weird mate of his how come he had a load of scratches all over his face.'

'He's always attacking Slytherins in the corridors,' said Muriel Gimlet of that same house. 'He made Giles Pryce's feet grow six sizes. He attacks first years. His brother is terrified of him - the attacks are so unprovoked; poor Reg just has to walk past him - just look at him funny - and he goes off the deep end. There's a real dark, dangerous side to him. He's a nutter. You never know what he might do next.'

And it seems it is not only those with a sporting chance of defending themselves who need to watch out for his filthy temper and bouts of violence. 'He attacks his house elf,' an anonymous source told me. 'The elf is a long standing and loyal servant, utterly devoted to the House of Black, practically one of the family. But Sirius swears at him and berates him and even tries to kick him sometimes. It's a disgusting way to treat a creature that is so utterly beholden to him - bound to do as he says - and he has not learned that sort of behaviour from his family, who know the value of a good elf.'

Though for all some claim he is the black porlock in his family, his fellow Gryffindors see things differently.

My source did not wish to be named but had this to say: 'He can't be one of us, can he? Not really. No right thinking person would attack someone from their own house. But he's a Black - and Black's are all Slytherins… apart from him. I think he's a spy. I think he's working to bring us down from the inside - and he's really no different to the rest of them.'

(I have chosen to respect the anonymity of the Gryffindor - as who knows what Black may get up to, who he might attack inside the tower when no one is looking. Everyone who speaks out about him is right to live in fear.)

So deceptive, twisted and cruel is Black that - no matter which side people fall on - all reject him as one of their own. Neither a Gryffindor or a true son of his noble lineage, he is - it would seem - just a bad seed of his own making. A creature of his own evil. And now we have seen the true face that lurks beneath that handsome visage.

And yet - for all his disgraceful actions - Sirius Black remains a student in this school today. Once again, that increasingly senile old fool, Dumbledore, has seen fit to ignore the dangers to the student body and allow him to stay. A paltry two hundred points lost, detention until the end of the school year and the loss of breaktime for two weeks is the sum total of his punishment. Considering the enormity of his crimes, surely he should be facing a bleaker future than this? (though with his violent temper and lack of conscience, I think it is fair to say this will not be the last terrible crime of Mr. Black's and there is no doubt a cell in Azkaban waiting patiently with his name on it).

Between the murderous intentions of the Whomping Willow - and the murderous intentions of Mr. Black, it really would seem that Dumbledore is not content to rest until Hogwarts is a death trap for all who walk its halls.

So - as you sally forth this day - remember poor Morgana Murrows and tread carefully! For the staff do not care what becomes of you. And you never know when you might cross the path of Sirius Black.

'Don't pay any attention to it,' Remus said to him, ripping the parchment in half and using his wand to set it alight - ignoring the alarmed squeal from the first year girl sitting opposite him, as the tip of his wand ignited and the newsletter burst into flames.

'Do you think Peter was the anonymous Gryffindor source?'

'No! Of course not.'

'He drew the picture.'

Remus bit his lip. 'I know. But he wouldn't say those things about you. I know James is mad - and Peter's sticking with him - but he still wouldn't betray you like that.'

'Why not? You read it - I'm a nutter, an attempted murderer who kicks house elves and punches first years …'

'Ignore it. It will all blow over soon enough. You know this place - there's always another scandal. Everyone will forget.'

'I don't care about everyone,' though the way he was stabbing his spoon into his porridge suggested that might not be entirely true. 'Bollocks to everyone… I just want James to talk to me again.'

'I'll talk to him,' Remus promised. 'When you're missing break, I'll speak to him for you - see if I can't get him to come round.'

'He won't come round. Look at what I did. He's right to hate me. I just … I get so angry lately. And James - he won't understand that. He doesn't understand why I'm broken.'

'You're not broken. And I'll make him understand.'

'He won't listen.'

'I can be very persuasive.' He smiled and shoulder-barged Sirius, but Sirius did not smile back.

…

And it seemed his powers of Divination were considerably stronger than Remus's - because no matter what Remus tried, James would not listen.

'No,' he said point blank. 'I'm never talking to him again. Everyone thinks I'm a cheat now - and he's done that. As if I'd ever cheat! No one cares I won us the match; they all think I'm the sort of person who thinks of no one but themselves, who put himself ahead of Gryffindor and who thinks it's OK to go round attacking people if it gets me what I want.'

'You attack people all the time!' Remus pointed out in exasperation.

'Sytherins! Not Gryffindors. Not for personal gain. And not like that. Hexing people is just a laugh.'

'Not for the people getting hexed.'

'I don't see you telling me off when I do it.'

'Well maybe I should. Maybe I'm wrong to let you get away with it.'

'So you won't let me get away with it - but Sirius tries to kill someone and you have nothing to say about that…'

'That's not … I'm not… He didn't mean to hurt her really.'

'Yeah, right. No - it's fine, Remus. Side with Sirius - I knew you would. You prefer him to me. That much is obvious.'

'I don't! Of course I don't. You know how much you both mean to me. I just… I can't leave him alone. I got left alone last year, and it was horrible. There's nothing worse than being alone.'

'Yeah? Have you tried being betrayed by your so-called best friend? Just give it a week or two - I'm sure he'll get around to betraying you as well.'

'You don't understand. James, he didn't mean to betray you. It's just - he doesn't come from a loving home, like you. He doesn't have decent parents who taught him right from wrong. Sometimes he gets things wrong - but his heart's in the right place. He doesn't mean to hurt people.'

'Oh that's all right then. All better - oh no - wait - we've still lost the Quidditch cup and everyone hates me. He should know better.'

'It isn't his fault - you wouldn't understand.'

'But I suppose you do?' And suddenly James voice was quiet, cold and spiteful. 'I suppose you understand all about it from those cosy little bedtime chats you have. I've seen you, snuggled up together pouring your hearts out to each other - thinking no one is quite so tragic and misunderstood as the pair of you. That no one else has ever suffered quite so much as you two.'

Remus went pale - and then flushed bright red. 'You don't understand.'

James snorted. 'What? That you're like Bobby and Roger? Don't worry mate, I've got the -' He was cut off when there was a loud bang and he found himself flying backwards, as if punched. Remus had pulled his wand out so fast, James hadn't even seen it - and now he was lying on the floor, his nose stinging. Peter cried out in fear. As James opened his eyes, he saw the hem of Remus's robes disappearing round the door.

'Stupid git,' James muttered under his breath. 'Stop squeaking, Pete - I'm fine.'

…

Remus stormed away down the corridor, his wand still clutched in his fist. He was trembling with rage. How dare he? How dare he? Sirius was in the wrong - Remus didn't deny that. Sirius didn't deny that. But for James to make fun of them that way - to say out loud that he knew they felt broken, and then to laugh at them for it…

It was hard enough, sometimes, to share a dorm with the boy who had everything and to not begrudge him his luck, to not feel bitter about how unfair the world was. But to be sneered at like that - by someone who had always been given everything on a golden platter, to have the comfort he and Sirius gave each other turned into a dirty joke … He didn't know when he had ever felt this angry. Hadn't known he could feel this angry - and certainly not that he could feel this way towards James.

He came to a stop outside the library and took in some great, gasping lungfuls of air. He couldn't tell Sirius how badly things had gone, that he had jinxed James and stormed off. But he would have to tell him he had failed. The group was irrevocably split, and it looked - from now on - like it would just be the two of them.

…

Lily and Mary were spending their break-time in the library. Lily was reading a huge, dusty, leatherbound book on Transfiguration; the paper inside was all crinkly and musty - and the writing was all curly, and pretty difficult to decipher. She wrinkled her nose up. 'I didn't know there were so many different movements you could do with a wand. This stuff will come in really handy.'

'Hmm,' Mary made a sound of agreement through her nose … though it was a very bored agreement.

'Are you even paying attention?'

'Of course I am. I'm reading this dirty, great thing, aren't I?' She lifted up her own textbook to prove her point… Only the copy of "Jackie" Magazine she had hidden in the pages slid out and hit the floor.

Lily picked it up. 'You were reading this instead of revising!' she accused.

Mary blushed. 'Well it's break-time. And the exams are weeks away. You aren't making Mandy and Petra revise all hours.'

'Mandy and Petra have nothing to prove,' Lily said rather grimly. She kept the copy of the magazine and glowered at Mary, until the other girl meekly put her head down and got on with her studying.

…

Remus was still too angry with James to speak to him that evening. So, while Sirius was serving the first of his many detentions, he headed off up to the owlery to lurk, brood, seethe and write a letter home to his father.

But, although he was pouring his heart out, he couldn't quite bring himself to admit to his dad that he had hit James with the Knockback Jinx. He was just starting to feel the first flickers of shame about that. (Though the fact he was now ashamed was making him feel even more cross and out of sorts, and he greatly looked forward to reuniting with Sirius so they could grumble and feel hard done by together.)

It was chilly up in the owlery, that high up and with no glass in the windows, and he had worn the jumper Mrs. Potter had knitted for him. And, wearing that jumper, remembering everything James had ever done for him, and how he had stood by him even when he found out he was a werewolf and written him letters and done his homework after his transformations, made him feel ashamed as well … He was a terrible person and did not deserve friendship or kindness. And that only made him even more cross.

When it started to get dark, and the first of the owls were waking up and swooping through the windows - ready to hunt, he decided it was time to make his melancholy way back to Gryffindor Tower. He didn't want to get caught by Filch, after all, and put in detention simply for existing after dark. But he still mooched along with his hands in his pockets, scuffling his feet and kicking out at things which irritated him just by being there. (The skirting board near the library took a particularly nasty beating.)

He perked up, however, when he reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and saw Sirius coming in the opposite direction. He too had his hands in his pockets, a definite slouch to his shoulders and wore a very dark scowl. He looked like Big Macca had been giving him a hard time. But his face lit up when he saw Remus walking towards him. 'Where've you been?'

'Owlery, writing to my dad. How was it?'

'Rubbish.'

They gave the password ("Partial Eclipse") and clambered through the hole. But, when they saw the hostile stares directed at Sirius from every corner of the room, they decided it was probably best to head straight up to bed.

…

'I know I deserve it,' Sirius said, once they were in their pajamas and safely hidden behind Remus's curtains. 'And I'm trying not to feel … angry or hard done to, but … Pete drew that picture of me. And he told Rita Skeeter about Andromeda - and let me take the blame, and he almost got me expelled when he blew himself up and wouldn't have said anything if James hadn't made him, and he nearly got me expelled over the Whomping Willow and let me blame you … and every time he's betrayed me, James has told me not to be mad and that Pete was sorry and to just get over it. And I know I deserve him to be mad at me but … why does he find it so easy to forgive Pete when he won't even look at me?'

'Maybe he just holds you to a higher standard - expects more from you than he does from Pete.'

Sirius snorted. 'Why? When have I ever done anything that suggests I know what I'm doing or can be trusted to be anything but a right stupid git?'

'He thinks more highly of you.'

'Not at the minute… Sometimes I think maybe he just expects me to get over things but, when it comes to him, he wants to hold a grudge. Betrayal hurts - he just expects me to walk it off but doesn't do the same himself.'

'Even the best people can be hypocrites. And he will forgive you in the end. He loves you too much. He'll miss you too much.'

'Not any time soon - and neither will anyone else. Did you see the way they were all looking at me? Mind you - tonight they were glaring at you almost as much as they were glaring at me.'

'It's because I'm sticking by you,' he gave him a gentle shoulder barge and smiled softly. 'They think I'm another nutter. Mad, bad and dangerous to know.'

Sirius gave his bark of laughter, 'that's quite a good description of me.'

'My mum used to say it.' He went quiet for a moment.

'Is it still hard for you?'

'...Yes. I suppose it will be hard for a long time. Perhaps forever. How do you get used to your mum being dead? You only get one.'

'In my case, that's one too many.'

They both laughed, and then stifled their giggles by stuffing their knuckles in their mouths, when they heard the door open and James and Peter walk in.

'Oh ey up, Pete,' they heard James say. 'Bobby and Roger are already in.'

They heard Peter laugh. Remus felt himself flush with heat. Beside him, Sirius had gone very still.

And they remained very still and silent while they listened in to all the sounds of the other two boys getting ready for bed. There came the sounds of mattresses groaning, and then the lights switched off - and then they heard James say, 'Night, Pete, I've got a hanky ready in case you feel the need to climb in my bed and cry out your troubles.'

Peter chuckled. 'You're alright, James, I don't snuggle.'

'Not with other boys anyway.' And they both snorted with laughter.

Remus could feel his face burning. He couldn't even bring himself to risk a glance at Sirius. They remained perfectly silent until James' loud snores filled the room. And then Sirius spoke.

'Why did he say that?'

'He's jealous.' Remus told him what he had come to realise while he had hidden up in the owlery. 'You're his best mate. He's jealous of all this time you spend with me.'

Sirius snorted. 'He doesn't want me spending time with him. He doesn't want me in the same room - on the same planet …'

'I think he was jealous before you fell out. I think he's been jealous ever since he realised we do … this.'

'Why?'

Remus shrugged. 'I think he's hurt that there's things you tell me that you don't tell him.'

'But he wouldn't understand!'

'I don't think that's easy for him to hear - I think he wants you to give him a chance to understand.'

'Oh for Merlin's sake!' Sirius was starting to sound angry. 'That's really the grand sum of his problems? That I don't tell him my darkest secrets because he doesn't know anything about darkness? Doesn't he know how lucky that makes him? Doesn't he know I don't tell him to protect him from that?'

'I don't think he does - no.'

'And that just proves he doesn't understand!'

'But that doesn't stop him from feeling the way he feels,' Remus said, trying to sound reasonable. 'That doesn't stop him being jealous of us.'

'He's jealous of us? Him? With his doting parents, and bushels of gold and his top of the range broomstick and his wireless just because he wanted one. You should have seen all the Christmas presents he got, Remus!'

'I did - he showed me.'

'He has everything - everything anyone could ever want. And he's jealous of us ? He wants his mum to die, does he? Or to be a werewolf and have to keep that secret because he'd be kicked out if people knew. And to go through painful transformations and get ill every month? He thinks his life would be better if needing a new jumper was more than his dad could afford? Just so he can understand us better - that's what he wants? To have parents who hate him and call him a blood traitor and don't feed him properly and have the house elf mutter things under his breath at him. And who don't send birthday or Christmas presents and who lock him in his room and don't let him out for weeks at a time and send Kreacher in every day to clean up because they don't even let him out to go to the toilet and …'

He broke off and went very still, as he realised what he had just said. 'I mean … I didn't mean…' He squirmed - and it felt like he was planning on jumping out of bed and dashing off.

Remus wrapped his arm around him. 'It's alright,' he said gently '- I won't tell anyone what you said.' But it suddenly made sense now, Sirius's anger and recklessness and inability to keep still. He hadn't been hurt last time he had gone home, he had been humiliated . And that was cutting far deeper into his soul than any kicks or blows ever could, was haunting him far more than any beating - and leaving him feeling far more ashamed.

Remus thought of Regulus's gloating face, every time they passed in the corridors, and how Sirius would go pale and the way the school newsletter had twisted things to make Sirius the villain, who was terrorising his younger brother and mistreating his house elf - and he was filled with a sudden rage that made his earlier anger towards James feel like nothing at all. He squeezed Sirius tighter.

'If you've not made up with James by the summer hols,' he said, 'I'll tell my dad you have to come and stay with us, Sirius. I won't let you go back there. I won't make you go back to them .'