Kirsten yawned and stretched as she sat up.
"Right when the credits start, Mom. Great timing." Seth was, as usual, sarcastic as he leaned forward to swap one DVD for another. She'd fallen asleep just after the movie had started, hadn't even made it to the first plot loop before her head had dropped to Sandy's shoulder.
"Every movie." Sandy said incredulously as he shook his head.
"You know, I thought they were joking about you doing that." Ryan said as he got up. Kirsten shrugged, yawned again. She didn't know what it was about movies, but she could never seem to get through them. They'd been having a family night- something Sandy had instigated since she'd come back from Suriak. Usually it was just a few hours spent watching a DVD or, if it was hot enough, down at the beach watching twilight roll in or gathered at the pool, Seth and Ryan swimming, Sandy and Kirsten in the spa. She was enjoying it, knew the boys were as well by their participation effort. While they were acting as if it was something that ate into their 'me' time, she knew they were both glad she was home. She was overjoyed they'd been so accepting, had been, and still was, wracked with guilt over what she'd done to them, especially to Ryan. She knew one mother had failed him, didn't want to be the second one that had. She knew, too, hat she had failed Sandy, knew these wounds ran deeper than her drinking. Knew these were only just mending. Nights like tonight, though, when they were all gathered together as a family, when her mistakes could be forgotten.
"So, we've got Session 9 or Saw. Personally, I've got to say Saw is the best. Seeing Kiefer Sutherland outside of 24 is a bit alternate universe."
"Whatever you want, son. You know your mother's going to fall asleep anyway." Sandy pulled Kirsten in for a hug as she started to give him a look.
"Anyone want coffee?" Ryan yelled through from the kitchen. A chorus of affirmatives rang out, and he appeared with four mugs hanging from his fingers and the coffee pot. Once everyone had a cup of caffeine, and the pot was refilling in the kitchen, Seth started the movie. Kirsten made it to the fifth or sixth scene before she started drifting off. She made a conscious effort to stay awake, but Sandy was so comfortable… She dozed, not noticing the glances between Sandy, Seth and Ryan as they all observed her in slumber, mostly amused. It was nearing the end of the movie when Kirsten's phone rang. She awoke with a start; she'd thought she'd turned it off. It was on the arm of the couch and she grabbed it. Private number, as usual. She was tempted to not answer it. It was almost midnight, and, with all her boys here and her father buried, there was no one that would be calling at this hour. Wordlessly, she showed the screen to Sandy. He noticed it said private, probably knew that there was no one else that would be calling this late. Kirsten got up off the couch, flipped it open.
"Hello?" On the other end, there was predictable silence for a moment before a drawn out moan followed. Kirsten listened more closely, maybe recognizing something familiar. She couldn't be sure, moved out into the hallway away from the noise coming from the television. Sandy followed her out, hovered around her left shoulder. She moved the phone to her right ear. She heard panting, then muffled words, as if someone was talking and the mouth of the phone had been covered before the line was disconnected. It was the first time her caller had hung up on her, rather than she handing up on them. From the moan, she was almost sure it was a man, but the muffled background noise had sounded like a female talking. Kirsten flipped the phone shut, and turned to Sandy. Suddenly, she felt the first creeping fingers of fear along her spine. She'd been getting these calls increasingly more frequently and she was beginning to wonder what it meant. She'd been called too many times for it to be some random person who mistakenly dialled her number. She wasn't listed anywhere, either, so it wasn't just anyone that had this number. And it had gone on too long for it to be a prank. She hadn't lied to Sandy about how long it had been happening, but she had omitted how much it was happening. Sometimes, she'd call her voice mail to find there were fifteen or twenty messages on there. Kirsten flipped her phone back open and turned it off, not able to stifle the small shiver that went through her.
"Another heavy breather?" Sandy asked. Kirsten didn't want to introduce the idea of some guy ringing her up to jerk off, so she neglected to tell him about the moan. Or about the way it had a familiar tone to it, as if she knew the voice. She nodded, slipped the phone into her pocket.
"Who was that?" Seth had appeared in the hallway, the movie finished.
"Has anyone been calling here and hanging up?" Sandy asked, moving back to the lounge room. Kirsten followed him.
"Do you mean a heavy breather call? Mom, you've been getting heavy breather calls?" Seth nodded to himself, probably already considering thoughts of Mafia or old men in grubby armchairs. Ryan shook his head. A moment later Seth looked up, registered that the question actually required an answer and shook his head as well. Sandy looked back at Kirsten, saw how tired she was even after playing the role of sleeping beauty through two movies.
"We're going to bed. Remember, school tomorrow." Sandy said as Seth put another DVD into the player.
"Yeah, we'll be bright eyed tomorrow morning, don't worry." Seth waved Sandy's parental advice away.
"Night." Ryan said.
Kirsten and Sandy walked down the hallway towards their room. She knew what he was going to say.
"I really think I should talk to someone, so we can see where those calls are coming from. Has there been a number on any of them?" Kirsten shook her head.
"Always a private number." She said.
"Well, I'm going to talk to someone about it tomorrow, see if I can get something set up." Kirsten sighed.
"Really, Sandy, it's probably a wrong number. Nothing to worry about. It's not like anyone's threatened me or anything. I really don't see the point." Kirsten started taking her earrings off in front of the mirror. She didn't want Sandy to put a tap on her phone, didn't want her privacy invaded. She knew he'd be looking for more than the breather's number, knew he still didn't trust her fully.
"If it keeps happening, you let me know." Sandy said, already changed into his pyjamas and pulling the covers back on the bed. Kirsten followed him into the bathroom and turned on the shower as he started cleaning his teeth. She undressed, aware of his eyes on her. She loved that he still found her attractive. She was aware of the weight she'd lost, of his eyes catching on the corners of her hipbones, her ribs which were showing, not just at the front, but were also visible at her back.
"Maybe it's one of those call centre places. You know, their computers dial out. Maybe it's just stuck on my number or something." Kirsten voiced an obvious lie over the sound of the water as she rubbed shampoo into her hair. From the moan, she knew it wasn't just a call centre, but she wanted to placate Sandy, get him off his current train of thought, stop him worrying.
"Maybe." He sounded about as convinced as she felt. She rinsed the shampoo out and put conditioner in, before reaching out through the door to grab the toothbrush Sandy had loaded with toothpaste for her. Cleaning her teeth in the shower was an indulgence she loved. It gave the conditioner time to work, and it let her stay under the hot spray longer.
"Besides, it's not like it's even heavy breathing. Just… breathing." Kirsten rinsed her mouth out and passed the toothbrush back out.
"Hmm." Sandy still didn't sound convinced, and Kirsten washed her conditioner out in silence, allowing him to mull over his thoughts. She was trying to run through who actually had this number. Her family, Jimmy, Julie, a lot of the clients she had dealt with at the Newport Group, people from Suriak… Staff from the Newport Group… Staff… Kirsten brought her head out from under the flow of water with a gasp. She knew the moan had sounded familiar- Carter.
There was no way she could tell Sandy who it was. He'd immediately jump to the wrong conclusion, and they'd only just managed to get themselves back onto solid ground. Truth be told, she wasn't completely sure that was who it had been, but the moan had sounded so much like him. She didn't know why he'd been calling her either, and so much. He was the one who had left her. He'd wound her up first, got her interested, aroused in her the kind of passion she remembered from when she and Sandy were first dating. They'd danced around each other; late nights in the office, unneeded touches, caresses that were not so innocent, Featherbrook, that kiss in the kitchen… Then he'd left her alone to sort everything out… The way things with Sandy had fallen apart, the helplessness she felt when she was around the boys and didn't know anything about their lives, the way the Newport Group had been given to Julie without a thought to how Kirsten might feel, how much she started to drink and how guilty she felt that all this was happening like a whirlwind around her while she just… Stood still. The eye of the storm, touched eventually by the inner perimeter of the tornado but until then, motionless, helpless, unable to get out without being blown away. Only now was she starting to get back into things. She made sure she asked the boys about their days, how their girlfriends were, what they were up to on the weekend. She no longer had to worry about the Newport Group, but knew it was a matter of time before she needed to do more than garden and try, albeit unsuccessfully, to cook. And Sandy and she were finally communicating again. There was still a distance between them, a wound that had not yet fully closed, both still wary of the other's claims of truths when it came to Rebecca, Jimmy, Carter. They were trying though, searching for the perfect rhythm that they had once had. And now, if it was Carter, his calls threatened to tear apart the little oasis she had set up for herself now she was home again. She didn't think she could deal with him again, the unbidden temptation, the language that flowed between them, with touches, long looks, the way he stood a little closer to her than he should. The way he knew she had Sandy but looked as if he was ready to disregard that, if she was. She wasn't yet strong enough to defend herself against his onslaught, what he would want, if he came back and said he'd made a mistake leaving her. No married woman wants a bachelor clamouring for her affections if her marriage is already rocky.
"The water will run cold soon." Sandy was still outside the bathroom, perched on the edge of the spa. Kirsten straightened up with a jolt. She'd been dreaming about Carter, immediately felt guilty about this because her husband was several feet away and because her thoughts were not all innocent. She'd briefly remembered Carter's kiss, the way it felt to have another man's lips on hers.
Kirsten shook her head, turned the water off. She and Carter had gone as far as she would let it go. She still didn't entirely believe Sandy about Rebecca, but she was willing to let it become a distant memory to save their marriage.
Sandy gave her a towel, which she wrapped herself in. The steam from the shower was becoming cloying in the small room, lacing itself around she and Sandy, as if to block off all contact with the outside world.
Kirsten smoothed her hair back, stray tendrils dripping onto her bare skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps.
"You're working tomorrow?" Kirsten asked. It was more of a cursory question, spoken to fill the silence, which tempted her with thoughts of Carter. Instead, she wanted to hear Sandy, think only of him, remember the bender Carter had sent her on, hold on to the way he had contributed to her downfall.
"Yeah, there's some issues going on with the hospital. Matt just needs me to look over some papers, check it from a legal perspective." Kirsten wiped the mirror, clearing her reflection. She looked at Sandy's image in the mirror.
"You know, I love you." She needed to say it, believe it, ground herself. His eyes met hers in the mirror; a long look followed, hopeful, partly trusting.
"I love you too." He gave her a kiss on her cheek before she started applying moisturiser, headed for the bedroom where he turned on her bedside light. Kirsten rubbed the moisturiser in, leant forward to check on her skin close up. She knew, with the weight she'd lost, her cheekbones showed through the skin more, her eyes appeared bigger, her jaw line overshadowed her neck more. She knew she should eat more, knew it was her way of regaining control. She had been unable to control the amount of alcohol she drank, but she could control how much food she ate. Lately, it hadn't been much. A coffee for breakfast, an apple for lunch, half a plate of takeout for dinner. Sandy had noticed, Julie had made noises over how thin she was getting but they didn't realise she'd taken some of her clothes to be tailored so they didn't hang off her, had bought bras with more padding so that no one would notice.
Kirsten finished her musing, flicked off the light to the bathroom. Her bedside lamp cast a soft glow in the bedroom, illuminating her pyjamas lying on the end of the bed. She pulled them on unselfconsciously, aware of Sandy's eyes following her about the room. They were a size smaller than she usually wore, but she knew Sandy didn't check tags, wouldn't realise the extent of how thin she had become.
"I thought I'd have lunch with Julie tomorrow, see how she's going." Since Caleb's will, the surprise of there being no family fortune for Julie to dip into had hit her hard. Kirsten tried to take her out to lunch a few times a month, keep in touch. Although being overbearing and constantly concerned with her own wellbeing, Julie had been one of the first people to sincerely welcome Kirsten home.
"She'll probably need some uplifting. I heard he DA is sniffing around her, trying to find out if there's anything she had secreted away, anything they missed. I've told them there's not, but they're not as likely to believe me since I defended Cal on his bribery charges."
Kirsten climbed into bed beside him, stretched herself out along his side before reaching back to turn the light off. Sandy encircled her with an arm, making her feel safe, protected from everything except her own thoughts.
"G'night." Sandy said. Kirsten felt his voice as a vibration through her body, a slow rumble that filled her with warmth. This, lying with him in their bed, feeling like nothing else mattered in the world, this was the thing she had missed the most when she was in Suriak. Just her, Sandy and the darkness.
"'Night." Kirsten replied, settling down against his chest, letting her breath match his, fading into a sleep filled with dreams of Sandy, dreams of Carter.