Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me…
You must live for me too'
-'Cat and mouse', The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
XXX
They were finally together.
Jan had come back, he'd promised her he'd never leave again- and looked like he meant it.
He'd bought them a house- not an incredibly nice one, but it was the gesture that counted.
Teresa Lisbon felt like she was supposed to be happy.
Her dreams were coming true right before her eyes –Jane offering her a modicum of commitment, a job she liked, and no serial killers out for her head.
Maybe she was supposed to be happy.
But as hard as she tried, she couldn't muster up anything more than a fake smile and the strength it took for her to let Jane have sex with her every night, to let him into her body without recoiling away from him like a wounded animal.
She wasn't happy. She wasn't sad either- which counted for something, considering the life she'd led- but she certainly wasn't happy. Content, more like. Enjoying the precious moment of quietness. Nothing more, nothing less.
The price she'd paid to reach this tentative balance had been too high- and while she'd paid it willingly, it didn't mean she was ok with it.
It was still incredibly hard for her to come to terms with all of it.
She'd learned to ignore the whispers of people who thought she was Jane's mistress, and sent her glares because 'what about the wife?'
She'd gotten used to feeling a wedding ring against her skin, despite the fact that it reminded her constantly of the fact that she'd always be second best, always the second choice- if a choice at all. She'd learned not to flinch every time she felt it on her whenever they had sex, to swallow down the bile.
She'd accepted that Jane would always be a 'flight risk' kind of man, that leaving her would always be for him as easy as breathing, nothing more than a matter of survival. His default mode.
So he'd left her after Vega's funeral. He let her worry for weeks. He'd come back, and instead of reassuring her, he'd asked her for more time. He'd ignored her call- again.
And then he'd brought her to this stinky pond, and told her this was where they would live- because of course, he knew best.
And she'd been trying to move past all of this, but it was proving to be extremely hard.
How was she supposed to be happy, uh?
On paper, she had everything she ever wanted. But the reality of it was another thing altogether.
She and Jane had been playing a distorted version of a cat and mouse game for more than a decade, with her as the cat and Jane as the mouse.
Now she'd stopped chasing him- not because she had all of him, but because she was tired of running- and there was no satisfaction in it, no reward.
She'd just given up, that was all. If this weird mistress/companion thing was all she was ever going to be to Jane, then so be it. She'd tried to move on so many times, and she never really managed to. It was time she accepted her fate because she was too tired of fighting it any longer.
XXX
"Bear claw and coffee for the lady," Jane said with a smile, offering her a pastry and a steaming mug of coffee.
Lisbon smiled, "Thank you," she said, biting down on the bear claw as she took the proffered mug.
It was only the two of them at the FBI.
Jane wanted to spend the whole weekend together, so she was trying to get all the paperwork done before leaving for the day.
He settled quietly into his couch, a cup of tea cradled in his hands, and watched her work- she knew this because she could feel his eyes on her, impatient and tired.
She signed over the last form just as she drank the last of her coffee.
Lisbon stood, stretching her sore muscle as she turned to look at Jane.
His eyes lit up, and he got quickly to his feet, his cup and saucer forgotten on the table beside his couch.
"Done?" he asked hopefully.
She laughed at his puppy-like expression, "Yup," she confirmed, "Done."
"Brilliant," Jane smiled excitedly, "Come on, let's get out of here. Our pond is awaiting. We can have a nice dinner together."
She smiled back, a little forcedly- what would happen when he'd leave again? Would she be saddled with the ownership of that slanty house, the surrounding field, and a broken heart to boot?
XXX
Dinner was a nice affair.
They ate Italian, and Jane spoke at length of the renovations he wanted to do to the house.
She listened carefully, an amused half-smile on her face.
He was so enthusiastic about the whole process, it was endearing.
She wished for nothing more than to be able to share his joy with him, yet she found she was unable to. She wasn't strong enough to let the rest go, and the smile on her face was empty, dull.
Later in the evening, she let him have sex with her, trying her best to act like she meant it.
But when he finally fell asleep, sated and content right next to her, she got lightning-quick out of the bed and made her way outside.
There was something to be said for living this far into nothingness. No artificial light meant she could see the stars, clear and bright overhead.
She settled onto the chair on the porch, staring up at the sky.
To be honest, she wasn't liking herself much as of late.
She'd turned into an angry, bitter version of the woman she used to be, someone she intensely disliked and pitied yet couldn't seem able to leave behind.
Lisbon had no idea why it was that last disappearing act that had broken the camel's back when she'd withstood so many of his stunts along the years, some arguably much worse than running away for a couple of weeks.
She only wished Jane would stop looking at her through his little rose-tinted glasses.
Seriously, what was wrong with him? How could he not feel how withdrawn she'd become? How indifferent?
Had she become so good at masking her own emotions he couldn't read her any longer?
The thought filled her with dread.
"Couldn't sleep?"
Jane's voice broke through her musings.
Lisbon sent him a small smile, "Yeah. Did I wake you up?"
"No, no you didn't. You know me- a regular night owl."
His smile looked strained, and she frowned a little at him.
"Are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?"
He waved a dismissive hand, "No, don't worry. Just a little tired."
"You should go back to sleep, Jane. I'll join you in a bit."
"No," his stare turned intense, "I think I need to talk to you."
Her eyebrows rose, and she gestured to the empty chair next to her. "Come on, then. I'm listening."
He took a deep breath, then sat down.
"Teresa," he started, "Ever since I met you, you-"
But she stopped listening the moment she saw the little velvet box he'd just extracted from his PJ's pockets.
A sick feeling ran all the way down to her stomach, and she stared at him, pale as a ghost.
"…so, will you marry me?"
Oh, God. Oh, God. He hadn't even taken off his wife's wedding ring, and now was asking her to put one on her own finger?
To become what? Angela's glorified substitute?
She was about to throw up.
"Are you kidding me?" she asked, her voice shaky.
He frowned, unmistakable hurt in his eyes.
"No, I am not- should I- Teresa, should I be kidding?"
She swallowed, her head spinning.
"Yeah, you should."
"Why-"
She jumped up, cutting him off mid-speech.
"I can't deal with this right now," she told him, struggling to keep her voice even through the panic, "I'll just go, stretch my legs a little, then we'll talk about this, alright?"
Without waiting for an answer, she headed towards the creaky wooden steps and out into the dark.
XXX
She was halfway around the pond when it downed on her.
If there was one thing she was sure about, it was that Jane never had any intentions of marrying her- he considered himself already married, she knew that for a fact. She'd heard him say so to a lot of the women who came onto him whenever they were out together.
So why propose to her? Why now?
It didn't make any sense.
With a frown, she sat down by the lakeside, her eyes finding the sleeping ducks huddled together by the water even through the darkness.
It took her a few minutes, but then it slowly started to make sense.
Jane must have felt she was pulling away. He knew there was something wrong with her.
And, as usual, instead of asking her to talk to him, he'd tried scaring her into confessing whatever it was that was bothering her.
Man, she was an idiot. She'd fallen for his trick, hadn't she?
Lisbon sighed, leaning down on the damp grass and looking up at the night sky.
She'd played right into his hands, because how could she possibly justify her harsh response without telling him the reasons behind it?
He'd managed to corner her into confessing, damn him.
Lisbon stayed there for a very long time, contemplating her own idiocy.
XXX
Jane was exactly where she'd left him, but this time he was holding a steaming cup and a saucer.
His eyes found her immediately, and she sent him a wry smile and she went to sit on the opposite chair.
"You didn't mean any of it, did you?" she asked, bitterly amused, "It was all a trick." She paused, frowning slightly, "Don't you think you took it a little too far?"
Jane shrugged, unapologetic. "You weren't talking to me, Teresa, no matter how hard I tried. And it wasn't all a trick- just some of it."
"Yeah, sure." As if she could ever really believe another word that came out of his mouth.
He took one of her hands between his, eyes burning with honesty.
"I meant it when I told you I love you, that my life would be meaningless without you. And I meant it when I told you I want to make this official. I just-" he hesitated, "-I just don't want to make it official now."
Yeah, right.
She eyed him warily but didn't say anything.
Even if he asked her for real, she would still say no.
She was fine with spending her life with him, loving him and caring for him, but she refused to bond her soul to someone who was giving her maybe a 30 percent of his heart- if she was lucky.
No, marriage was out of the question.
"So," he broke the silence, his voice falsely cheerful, "Care to tell me what about marrying me freaks you out so badly?"
"What? Can't you tell?" she teased him tiredly.
"No," he admitted bluntly, "Contrary to what you seem to be thinking, I am not, in fact, a psychic, and sometimes I need you to tell me when there's something that's been bothering you."
Lisbon shrugged, "It's nothing, Jane."
"See?!" he said, "This is what I'm talking about. You're shutting me out, Teresa."
She didn't answer, because it was true. She refused to feel guilty about it.
"Alright," he went on, ignoring the lack of response on her part, "Let's start from the basis."
"Marriage. What part of it frightens you? " he asked, watching her carefully.
Lisbon still didn't answer, but evidently, her face answered for her.
He exhaled. "You don't think I mean it, do you? That I want to marry you."
Unable to keep silent any longer, she cast him a glare, "That's because you don't, Jane. And you know I know you don't, otherwise you wouldn't have risked pulling such a nasty trick on me."
"It wasn't all a trick, Teresa, surely you know that. I do want to marry you, someday."
She scoffed, calling his bluff, "Well, I don't, so don't bother getting your hopes up."
He flinched away from her at that as if she'd just struck him with a fist. Lisbon frowned for a moment, wondering whether she'd been misreading the whole thing.
But no, she told herself. His actions spoke for themselves.
"And why, pray tell, would the prospect of our eventual marriage disgust you so much?"
She eyed him skeptically, "Why wouldn't it, Jane? I absolutely refuse to get married to someone who wouldn't love me the way I need him to. I'm fine with being your- mistress or whatever the hell I am to you, but there's no way I'm going to make any of this official in the eyes of God. No way. Plus, you know I know you have no intentions of ever getting married again, so there's really no point in proposing to me, not when I know you will never actually mean it. And I don't want to marry you just to have you run at the first sign of trouble, anyway. Divorce is way too expensive."
Her eyes went from the sky to him, and she noticed his cheeks were stained with tears.
"You really think all of that, don't you?" he asked her, his voice shaky.
"Jane, you left me stranded at a funeral. I don't trust a word you say, right now." She reminded him.
He swallowed. "You-you're right. You have every reason not to trust me, but- well, I'd hoped you knew how much I love you. How important you are to me."
Her eyes softened, "I know I am important to you, Jane. I do. But I'm not important enough, alright? And I'm fine with that. Just don't ask me to fill in someone else's shoes, please, because I won't. I refuse to."
"Someone else's?" he asked, just as softly, "Angela's? You think I'm-" he broke off, something that looked like understanding flashing across his face.
"Of course you do." He murmured, sounding unbearably pained.
Lisbon sighed, squeezing gently one of his hands.
"I love you. I am in love with you." She told him earnestly, "And I don't care if you love me in a different way, or if you simply care for me or- whatever. I'm just grateful you're still here, with me. I'm grateful you've let me into your life and even a little into your heart. I don't want anything else but you, Jane. I'm fine with that, and I don't need a ring or a house or anything, alright?"
She studied him carefully, hating the tears rolling down his cheeks and the way he seemed on the verge of breaking right there, right before her eyes.
"I love you," he told her fervently, "I am in love with you. I really am, Teresa."
His words felt bittersweet.
She offered him a small smile, hoping it would make him feel better. It didn't. If anything, he looked even sadder.
He wiped away the tears, his hands shaky.
"I'm so sorry, love. I was so wrapped up in my own fear that I didn't see how badly I was hurting you."
She shrugged and looked away. It was nothing new.
"Please, look at me." A pause, "Teresa, please."
It took her a moment –she still felt too vulnerable, too naked- but then she complied.
Her eyes met his, which were clear and open and incredibly pained.
"I am in love with you. I have been for a long time." He told her calmly, "I love you exactly the way you are, martyr complex included." His lips twitched at the corners, but his expression was serious. "And I'm just as much in love with you as you are with me, if not more-"
"Jane-"
He pressed a finger to her lips, his eyes gentle, "Please, let me speak. When I'm done, you can scold me all you like."
She swallowed down her retort, looking away from him.
He squeezed her hand, "This ring- it doesn't mean what you think it does, Teresa. It's just something to remember my family by, something that reminds me of the man I used to be, and the man I am now. It's a link to my past, but in no way does it mean that I'm still faithful to Angela's memory. I am not. I haven't been for a long time. I'm faithful to you, now. And that's what I mean when I tell people I'm already married- it means that I'm committed to someone else, wholly and completely. As far as I'm concerned, Teresa, I am already married to you."
She was shaking. His words sounded beautiful and healing, yet she wasn't sure she could believe them.
"And I could promise you I'm never going to run again, but I know you wouldn't believe me. So I promise you this- if, for some reason, I'm going to leave again, I swear I will come back to you as soon as I can, alright?"
She hugged her arms around herself, crying silently.
Lisbon wanted nothing more than to be able to believe him, but there was something holding her back, something that kept telling her that the moment she tore down her walls, he'd only hurt her again.
"You are enough, Teresa." He told her softly, "You make me happy, and I want nothing more than spending the rest of my life with you."
She sobbed quietly, unable to accept his words at their face value.
He pulled her suddenly into his chest, pressing a kiss on her forehead.
"I am in love with you, and I know you don't believe me, but I'll spend the rest of my days proving it to you."
It was a start, she guessed.