Travesty of Naruto – Chapter 04
A few days later, at Naruto's apartment
"WHAT? NARUTO'S PREGNANT? …GAARA TOO?" Everyone watched Naruto fanning Sasuke, who had passed out a few minutes ago upon Naruto's announcement. Gaara was standing off to one side, Lee blushing copiously beside him.
"Well, well, well…" Kaja nudged Lee in the side, smirking as the boy's blush deepened. Kakashi dragged her away, telling her to stop tormenting him.
The door suddenly flew open, flying from its hinges and hitting the far wall as a green blur shot through the doorway and threw itself at Lee. Gaara's sand writhed at his feet, but simply lay docile when he actually realised what was happening.
Lee and Gai were sharing a 'manly' hug, tears streaming down their faces as they bantered back and forth about the miracle of youth. "You're going to be a father!" Gai declared loudly, and then paused, examining Gaara for a moment. "…Does that make him the mother?"
Before a non-sarcastic answer was spoken, someone else emerged through the torn up entrance. Iruka dashed over to Naruto, hugging him madly and cutting off the 'mother-to-be's air supply. Sasuke managed to come to at that moment, half-sitting up and pressing his face into his hands. "…What have I done?"
"You've made me an uncle!" Itachi dove in through the window, tackling Sasuke to the ground and making the boy swear copiously.
Kakashi, his visible eye turned up in amusement, spoke next. "Well, Sasuke… I was sure I'd told you all about the risks of unprotected sex. I would have thought you were smarter than this; getting your boyfriend pregnant at such an early age…" His wiped a non-existent tear from his eye.
Orochimaru, who had previously been silent, suddenly piped up. "…I want a baby too!" Kaja, looking horrified, moved away to stand beside Kakashi… Kabuto moved closer.
"Baby shower!"
--
Outside Gai's mother's house – some crappy time of the day
"Tell me again why we're here," Sasuke said with a raised eyebrow. Naruto, who was standing beside him, shrugged.
"It's because my kaa-san would want to meet my lovely student's new wife!" Gai declared, stopping at the door and turning to the people following him. "Now, best behaviour! We must show this wonderful woman the glory of youth!" He turned, ready to knock on the door, but froze before his fist reached the wood.
USELESS FLASHBACK:Gai stood behind his three new students; his teeth making a 'ping' sound as he struck the nice guy pose. "Kaa-san, these are my-" His words were forced to a halt as a large cooking pan was thrown in his general direction, hitting him square in the face.
END USELESS FLASHBACK
Gai suddenly ducked, much to the confusion of those around him, but as the door flew open and a large silver pan went hurtling over his head and hit Kakashi, all was explained.
Gai led the now rather anxious looking ninjas into his mother's kitchen. A very Gai-like woman sat on a stool chopping onions on the counter, she turned to send a glare in her son's direction before turning back to her chopping and saying, "you have huge eyebrows. Pluck them now."
"Mother look, I know pregnant men!" Gai exclaimed jovially, pushing Naruto and Gaara towards her. The woman looked up again, surveying the two boys for a moment. "…Good for you son." She said tonelessly, seeming slightly annoyed that her cooking had been interrupted. Everyone else was staring at Gai's mother, looking between her and Gai and wondering what his father must look like…
Gai's mother seemed to suddenly discard her cooking at spotting 'Feo and Kaja, pouring two cups of tea, dragging both girls into the living room and onto the couch and then presenting them with books of baby photos.
The two girls sat awkwardly with Gai's mother between them, making sounds of agreement when it seemed necessary and sending 'help us' looks at the other assembled ninjas. Kakashi leant over and pointed at one of the photos. "Wow, he was even uglier when he was a baby." He commented, and then made a sound of pain as Gai's mother's ladle connected with his head. She seemed to constantly carry this weapon, so Kakashi decided against saying anything else; he hid at the back of the group, hoping she wouldn't notice him again. Every time Gai's mother looked up, everyone took a step backwards, in case she suddenly decided to hit them as well.
By the end of this strange visit, everyone was extremely glad to escape. 'Feo and Kaja were already thinking up excuses they could use for when they had to go the next time. After saying their goodbyes, everyone automatically headed in the direction of the bar, desperately craving as much alcohol as they could consume.
Lee suddenly piped up, quite happily, with; "Isn't Gai-baasan wonderful?"
--
Four days later… because we haven't had it before
Note: For our own purposes we have decided that a demon pregnancy lasts around two weeks… brilliant isn't it?
"Saaasukeee!" Naruto whinged, batting his eyelashes at his onyx-eyed Uchiha. "No, Naruto, no. I'm not sitting here watching you eat a rat again."
"Sasuke-teme! It's your fault I'm like this! It's your fault I'm all fat and having these weird cravings in the first place!" Naruto shook his fist, but Sasuke simply made a dismissive sound and continued to read. 'Feo prodded Sasuke, making a face. "Well, at least it's not as bad as Gaara's cravings!" Kaja sighed. "Poor Lee…"
"Yeah, anyway look at the bright side; at least you only have about a week left." Sakura pointed out, handing Naruto a cup ramen. As she pulled back she turned and looked at Sasuke's waist, scowling at the older Uchiha who had latched himself there and failed to release his brother since he had reappeared that morning. No amount of tugging and insults had managed to make him let go; Sasuke had looked a little odd walking through Konoha with an S class criminal cemented to his hip like an anxious toddler.
Suddenly, Itachi relinquished his grip on his brother and cleared his throat. "I… need to go to the bathroom." He paused. "Stay there while I go." Itachi ordered, before dashing off down the hall, almost tripping several times before the teens heard the door slam.
Naruto waited for a moment, and then turned to tug on Sasuke's arm. "Alright, before he comes back; quick, let's leg it!"
As the five teens attempted to escape, Sasuke noticed Naruto lagging behind a little and swiftly doubled back, sweeping him up into his arms. "Teme, put me down!" The Uchiha snorted derisively. "You're slowing us down, deal with it."
--
In a suitable hiding place… namely the Ichiraku ramen stand
"…Usuratonkachi; this isn't sly at all." Sasuke, wearing a slight frown, pointed out. Naruto, who was currently stuffing his face, made an indiscernible noise that sounded like derision. The assembled nins, in a group that probably couldn't have been inconspicuous if they tried, were lingering around the ramen stand in small groups; all eyes were flickering to the other side of the street where, in a sushi bar, Lee was telling Gaara something that probably could have been worded better…
"I want to make an honest woman out of you! To do this I would like to legitimately marry you before the arrival of our miracle child!"
Gaara looked like he wanted to commit mass homicide… again.
"I'm not a woman, baka." Gaara's eye twitched when Lee threw his arm around the red head's shoulders, suddenly looking rather apologetic. "I'm sorry, my love! You're upset because I did not do this in the proper manner!" Gaara, who by this point seemed to want to kill something, watched in irritated bemusement as Lee dropped to one knee in front of him, in a public place where hundreds of people were already peering in at them, and began some lengthy and somewhat solemn marriage vows.
After fifteen minutes, when the majority of people were falling asleep, all heads snapped up at the sound of the words "will you marry me?"
"…No."
Lee, who was utterly crestfallen, hung his head in shame, still clutching a lotus flower with a ring resting in its petals in his hand. As Gaara looked around, it slowly dawned on him that everyone was looking in his direction with insistent glares. Feeling the mass killer intent directed at him, he gave a small defeated sigh, turning back to his 'mate' and crossing his arms over his chest.
"Fine." Lee's head jerked up quickly, and found Gaara and himself surrounded by all their friends, all smiling innocently. Lee blinked at Gaara for a few seconds, before bursting into a fit of manly tears and hugging the red head to crushing point.
"We must make arrangements at once! I wonder if Gai-sensei will be my best man?"
As Lee and Gaara disappeared into the distance, Naruto, who had finally finished eating, soon piped up with, "Sasuke-bastard why are you never romantic? You better marry me too or I'll beat your ass!" Sasuke raised a pointed eyebrow to Naruto's swelling stomach only to receive a hit over the head from Kaja.
"Well if he doesn't, then I will." Sasuke seemed to consider this for a moment before turning away from Kaja and back to Naruto. Rolling his eyes, he muttered sarcastically, "Naru-chan, will you do me the honour of giving me your hand in marriage?"
Naruto, who seemed to have somehow missed the mocking tone in Sasuke's voice, looked up to his lover with tear brimming eyes and proceeded to launch himself at the dark-haired male. 'Feo and Kaja watched with amusement as an exasperated Uchiha half-dragged Naruto away.
"I hope there aren't too many homicides during these weddings…"
--
The Big Day
"Okay. We still have a bit of an argument going on in the other room." The sounds of struggle, various objects being blown up and ripped, and the echo of various insults from behind the closed door reinforced Kaja's point. "We still have to decide who wears the dress out of those two." She stabbed a finger at the struggling boys who were emerging from the room. "Okay, who wants to see Sasuke in a dress?"
Every hand except Sasuke's rose.
Later that day…
"Crap! Has anyone seen Sasuke?" 'Feo came running out of the changing room in a panic. Kaja nodded and gestured vaguely; "I saw him climbing out of the window about a half hour ago."
"Then why didn't you stop him?" 'Feo shrieked, gesticulating wildly. Kaja grinned, leaning casually back against the wood of the pew she was reclining on. "Because I like seeing you panicking like this."
"Ahhhhh!" 'Feo dashed from the room, waving her arms around and making traumatic sounds. Kaja sighed, deciding to take some pity on her. "Neji, go help her before her head explodes." Said brunette, used to taking orders from the girls by now, nodded and ran after 'Feo.
By the time 'Feo and Neji had manhandled Sasuke back into the hall, Kaja had fallen asleep on the bench; some of the nins were grouped around her, using marker pens to draw on her face. Upon the reappearance of groom #2 however, she woke and sat up, now sporting a monocle and a French moustache.
Fast forward
"Dammit Sasuke! Why do you have to have hair that's as stubborn as razor wire?" 'Feo complained, attempting to pull a brush through the black locks. "I can't stop it from returning to duck-butt style!" The younger Uchiha scowled, folding his arms grumpily as his eyes strayed wearily to the mirror. "I can't believe I'm letting you do this to me…" He grumbled, readjusting his corset for the fifth time. "Stop doing that! Your cleavage will fall out!" 'Feo admonished, waving the brush at him.
Neji, who was standing in one corner with his back to them, had to press a hand to his face to keep from laughing.
Meanwhile, in the other changing room…
"Gaara…! Make your sand stop!" Kaja shrieked, backing up against the wall, eye shadow in one hand and lipstick in the other.
"Not until you put that stuff down. I'm not a girl." He reminded her, arms folded in a similar manner to Sasuke; obviously neither bride wanted to be wearing the dresses the girls had picked out for them. "You're wearing a dress." Kaja pointed out, narrowly evading another attack from Gaara's sand.
"God, I bet 'Feo's not having this much trouble!" Kaja complained; diving out of the way, yet again. "Make-up no Jutsu!" Kakashi stepping into the 'ring', and Kaja stared at the silver haired Jounin in surprise. "…How did you learn that?" Kakashi cleared his throat, looking off to one side innocently as Gaara sent him a death glare.
"Uh, nowhere…" The Jounin cleared his throat again in an attempt to avoid the question, but Kaja narrowed her eyes. "Don't play coy with me; I saw you trying on Gaara's dress earlier."
--
When the time actually came, it took three nins to drag Sasuke from the changing room and he almost turned tail again when he saw who had been chosen as his 'father of the bride'. Itachi, for one, seemed quite enthusiastic.
"Itachi." A pause. "Itachi let go." Both Sasuke and Naruto had to tear at the older Uchiha's hands to try and pry him away from the wife-to-be. "But… but I don't want to! Sasuke's mine! I don't want to give him to Naru-bum!"
Itachi was forcefully removed from the hall.
By the time the marriage vows were being recited, Sakura and many of the other Sasuke fangirls were in tears. Naruto on the other hand, seemed quite chirpy. "Now you're Uzumaki Sasuke!" It was probably lucky for Naruto that he healed quickly.
Gaara, after much prodding and persuasion, was finally forced into saying 'yes', much to the devastatingly manly teary states of both Lee and Gai.
To everyone's mutual shock and horror, Kankuro's assigned role as 'father of the bride' meant the reappearance of his son…
"We can get married now!" Karo informed 'Feo, wrapping his arms around her waist and forcing Neji and Kaja move off into the corner to plot a hasty assassination.
TBC