A/N: Please accept my apologies for the delay in getting this update out. The last three months have been a whirlwind for me. Between dealing with personal issues in September and October and then battling a health scare at the beginning of this month, my writing was put on hold. I'm finally getting life back on track now and wanted to get this chapter out (even though it's a shorter chapter) before the craziness of the holidays arrive. Also, in case you've missed it, I posted a one-shot (Thrill of the Rodeo) set in this universe last month.
Previously…
He let out a big sigh and closed his eyes as he settled into his red chair. Although he knew what probably needed to happen, he required some time to think of the best way to bring it up to Adam as he likely wouldn't like the outcome. But if Ben was to keep some sort of peace and stability in the house, he had to make some changes.
The remainder of the day had Ben lost in his own thoughts. Normally contributing to the lively discussion at supper, Ben was quiet and unfocused, excusing himself from the table well before anyone else had finished their own food. He needed time to think, without interruptions and the best place he found that he could do that over the years was to take a brisk walk in the early summer evening. Grabbing his hat off the hook and gun belt off the credenza, he gently closed the door behind him and headed down the road leading away from the ranch.
He knew Adam better than any of his other sons. They traveled across the country by stage and covered wagon encountering their fair share of trials and hardships along the journey west. It was during this time that Adam learned to keep his real emotions hidden. It wasn't that he was afraid of showing emotions, but instead out of bravery. Adam felt he needed to be brave for him and not cause him any worry. Adam had felt he needed to keep his emotions in check in case he had to support him. It was just them two together and if Adam wasn't there to support this Pa, then who would be?
Ben had to learn to decipher Adam's thoughts and feelings as he kept them hidden inside like an old treasure chest without a key. So many times Ben could remember Adam saying everything was good when in reality he was wrestling with some demon plaguing his mind.
As the years wore on, Ben tried to teach Adam it was all right to open up and let others know exactly how you felt. But, the damage had already been done. Too many years of requiring his oldest to grow up fast and be there for his younger brothers when he couldn't be had drilled the habit of pushing down emotions into Adam.
This habit is one he carried into adulthood and continues to exercise. He knew the signs well and Adam was clearly closing out his feelings and emotions about Cecily's death. Trying to keep things as normal as possible just wasn't working as he continued to be brave for his children. What he really needed right now was the freedom to express his emotions, his true emotions, without the responsibility of needing to prove himself. Adam needed permission to let his emotions play out. And if that's what Adam needed, Ben would see to it that it happened.
With clarity about what needed to be done, Ben headed back to the house ready to discuss his plan with his other sons and then hopefully Adam and his grandchildren tomorrow.
After breakfast the next day, Adam announced he would be taking the children fishing and for a picnic and would be out most of the day. While Adam wasn't exactly asking for permission, Ben still gave his approval of the plans, looking at this as a good opportunity to talk to Joe and Hoss about what he planned for Adam's and his grandchildren's future.
Waving goodbye, Ben stood on the front porch until the wagon disappeared behind the barn. Returning to the great room, Joe and Hoss were waiting for him. He took a seat in his red chair and let out a controlled breath before starting the discussion.
"Adam and his children have been living here for a few weeks and as you both know, it hasn't been the smoothest transition."
Hoss and Joe exchanged knowing looks at that statement.
"Your brother and his family have gone through something devastating. You both know your brother as well as I do. He locks his emotions inside and pretends everything is all right even when it's not. He feels he has to be strong for his children during this time, which doesn't leave much time for grieving on his end."
"But Pa, we've told him we can help if he needs time to grieve. Why doesn't he ask for help?"
Ben sighed. "That's partly my doing. He had to grow up fast as a child, which he took as being strong and reliable for both me and little Hoss. That's what feels natural to him; being strong and not showing emotions when things get tough. Most times, it's an acceptable way to handle a crisis, but not when you just lost your wife and absolutely need to take time to grieve. However, the difficult part of this whole situation is that he doesn't realize he needs to grieve and show those emotions."
"Wait, I thought you said everyone grieves differently. What if Adam's way is just to be strong and push through this time? How do you know he needs to show his emotions?"
He took a few seconds to contemplate Joe's logical question. "Well, I don't know for certain. But what I do know is that what is happening now, isn't working. He's trying to be strong and in turn, he's letting his children get away with things I know he normally wouldn't let them get away with. He thinks he's parenting well now, but in reality he's doing the children a disservice."
"So what's your plan?"
"I'm going to propose, no demand that I take over raising his children. They'd all still live here for that emotional support, but instead of Adam trying to raise them, I'll raise them as my own."
Hoss let out a whistle. "Wowee…Adam ain't goin' like that."
"No, but the way the children have been running wild the last few weeks, something has to change. It's not like I'm taking the children away from him. They'll all still see each other every day and be there for guidance and love, but I'll be the one making the final rules and handing out consequences and rewards. This will give Adam time to focus on his own healing process without the extra responsibility of raising his children."
"I guess that makes sense. I don't envy you having to tell Adam all this though."
"Oh, I've been mentally preparing myself for the pushback for the past day. So I assume this plan is agreeable to both of you? It's not going to require much change on either of your ends from what you're doing now, but since this is a big family decision, I want to make sure you're both all right with it."
"Sure is fine with me."
"I'm good with the plan too. I just hope you know what you're signing yourself up for. You're not as young as you once were." Joe gave a smirk in his father's direction at the playful jest.
"I appreciate the concern, Joseph, but I think I'm prepared for just about anything after raising you."
Hoss let out a hearty bellow as Joe frowned at that statement before both got up from the sofa and headed off to get started on their own plans for the day leaving Ben to figure out when the best time would be to break the news to Adam.
"Son, I'd like to talk to you about some things."
Adam halted on his way to the front door the next morning, turning to join his father near the fireplace. Ben gestured for him to take a seat.
"This shouldn't take long, but you might be more comfortable sitting instead of standing." In all honesty, Ben knew this conversation will bring out Adam's defensive side and it might quell his temper if he was sitting.
Ben waited until Adam settled into the blue chair across from him before beginning the dreaded conversation.
"Now, you and my grandchildren have been here a few weeks. I originally thought that having you raise them while you lived here would be the best option. I'm not so sure about that anymore."
Adam rolled his eyes at his father's statement. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Well, we set up chores for your children to do, but they have either been slacking on them or not doing them at all. You've been letting them get away with things that I personally would never put up with and under any other circumstance, I know you wouldn't neither. I love my grandchildren, but I can't have them getting away with murder and not pulling their own weight while they are here."
"Pa, you make them sound like criminals. What do you expect me to do about it? We've been through so much recently, I don't want to be too hard on them. They're still adjusting to life without their mother."
Ben steepled his hands in front of him bracing himself for the outburst that was about to come. "I don't want you to do anything. What I'm going to suggest, is you have me take over raising the children while you're living here."
Adam's eyes flashed momentarily with an emotion Ben couldn't quite make out. Was it surprise? Anger? Fear? Maybe a little of all of those? Then the outburst came. "You can't take my children away from me!"
"I'm not taking them away. You'll still be their father, and you'll all continue to live here with me and your brothers. The only thing that would change would be I would become the main authoritative figure in their lives."
"That's ridiculous. If I'm going to still be here, I can do that."
"But son, you can't. You're hurting too much inside that it's blinded you from being able to raise those children." Ben studied Adam's face as it changed from stubborn to a hint of relief. "Look, you won't be able to take care of your children properly until you have a better handle on your own grief. This will give you the time and freedom you so desperately need to do that. Plus, it'll only be temporary."
Adam's face turned from a hint of relief to completely grateful at his father's suggestion. He then bowed his head, a bit ashamed of what he considered failing. "I hate to admit it, but you're right. It's been difficult these last few weeks, but I didn't want to acknowledge that. Anytime something came up, I just swept it under the rug so to speak. Out of sight, out of mind. But you're right. I can't just keep hiding from my pain. I need to address it head-on, but I can't do that while also trying to raise my children."
Ben smiled at his son's realization. "I know it feels like you're unsuccessful in this chapter of life, but in the grand scheme of things, this is a win. It might not feel like it right now, but it is better to recognize what you need to fix now than to continue pretending everything is all right or to completely neglect your children in the future. Trust me, this is the best option right now. You can take care of yourself and I can do all the hard work of raising my grandchildren. It'll be another big change for all of us, but I have confidence that it'll work out in the end."
"Thanks. I love my children so much, I hate to think I've been ignoring my parental duties and causing them more pain and worry these past few weeks."
Ben eased himself out of his chair. As much as Adam would say he didn't need it or want it, he could tell Adam needed a hug of encouragement right now. Leaning down he gave him the best one he could.
"I know it's hard, but brighter days are on the way. This is the first step in making that possible."
Ben stood back up staring down at his defeated son. "If you'd like, I'll talk to the children about the changes. It might do some good to have them hear it from me." Adam only nodded in response. "I'll do that this afternoon then. Now, I know your brothers are waiting for you in the north pasture, but feel free to take some time to yourself this morning. They'll understand, and if they don't, they'll have me to answer to!"
That statement at least got a small chuckle out of Adam. "Thanks, Pa, for everything."
"You're most welcome."
Ben passed out a glass of lemonade and a cookie to Nathan, Clara, and Helen before taking a glass himself and joining his grandchildren on the front porch.
"Thanks for joining me for some refreshments. While you enjoy your treats, I have a few things I'd like to discuss." Ben paused as he saw Clara's mouth open about ready to ask a question. "This will go a lot faster if you just let me speak. If you have questions after I'm done explaining, you can certainly ask them at the end."
Clara's mouth snapped shut and Ben continued. "As you know, this has been a rough few weeks with losing your Mama and moving in here with your uncles and me. Unfortunately, your Papa needs some time to focus on healing his broken heart and he can't do that while also trying to raise the four of you. I've talked it over with him and we've jointly decided that I will be taking charge of you all for the time being starting tomorrow."
Looks of surprise plastered across all three faces, but it was Helen who spoke first. "Wait, we're not going to see Papa anymore?"
Ben called Helen over and took her into his lap. "No, you will still see him and live here with him. You'll still have your own bedrooms and he'll join us for meals and fun activities on days off. The only thing that will change will be that I'll be the one responsible for all of you. You'll follow any rules I set and listen and obey me. I'll be the one you have to answer to, not your father. Does that make sense?"
Clara knitted her brow in frustration at her grandpa's big words. "What does responsible mean?"
"I'll be the one to care for you, make sure you have food, get you up in the morning, make sure you're safe, and ensure you have all your needs taken care of. Everything your father used to do, will be my job. Does that make more sense?"
The children were all quiet for a moment as they digested this information before each nodded their acknowledgment. Ben let the silence hang in the air for a few moments, giving them time to ask any more questions.
"Does Papa not want to see us or care for us anymore?"
"No, honey, that isn't the case at all! He loves you all so very much and that is why he's allowing me to take over caring for you. He's just too broken to do all that himself right now."
"He doesn't look broken."
"Not on the outside, but on the inside. Making sure your Pa has time to heal is all that matters right now. And when your turn comes to tackle your own grief and sadness, we'll be prepared to help you all deal with it as well."
"Okay."
"Good. Now, I understand this will be another big change for all of you and I'll try to make the transition as easy as possible. For now, just remember, starting tomorrow I'll be the main person in charge. You will all obey, respect, and listen to me and follow any rules I set. I promise to treat you exactly how I did when your Pa and uncles were growing up, including both the good and bad times. It's not going to be easy at first for any of us."
He felt Helen's head turn to look up at him. "Not even for you? You're a grown-up, isn't everything easy for you?"
Ben let a small chuckle escape. "It's been many years since I've raised children. I'm bound to mess up some things especially at first. If you promise to take it easy on me while I get readjusted, I'll promise to take it easy on you as well, at least for the first couple of weeks until we all get used to this new normal."
"Deal."