The Echo
Chapter 8: Silence

Rain fell heavily on the roof as I lie in bed, staring up at the dark ceiling, happy to see nothing. Groggy to a state of numbness, I was happy to feel nothing, as well. What with my protesting mind and my protesting body, I was a one big ball of hurt when I was awake enough to take notice of such things. Perhaps that was part of my reasoning for exhausting myself with traveling quickly… it would keep my mind off of the pain I'd caused.

In reality, Gippal wasn't at fault. Well… yes, he was, but it all happened because of me. I left, not once, but twice. I'd left for him, really. But I never told him that. I never explained my reasons for leaving. I'd always hoped that he loved me enough to understand, that he would have done the same in my position. Why had I hoped that, I wonder? To convince myself that he loved me? Or to convince myself that I wasn't doing the wrong thing?

In all actuality, I'd made myself miserable for him. The one instant in which I could recall being truly euphoric in the last months was in the moments just after I'd woken, when I held my daughter for the first time… when he kissed me. When the three of us were one and the same, together, a unit. But I'd ruined it. I ruin everything.

I'd abandoned him in Luca, after he'd remained faithfully by my side for nearly two weeks. I had no right to be angry at him when I found him with Adena. But I was.

She'd been the only female companion that I actually felt close to in Djose Temple. She'd been my friend, the first person to know about Telan other than me… I'd trusted her. But I ruined that as well, when I walked into Gippal's house that fateful evening. Had I only waited… maybe she would have been gone. Maybe I could still trust her, still trust him.

I was too tired to cry. My abdomen was throbbing dully, as it had been since I'd begun the trek from the Moonflow. The amount of walking that I'd done lately wasn't necessarily healthy for me. I should have been resting, doing what everyone in Besaid had been trying to help me with. Relaxing, adjusting to my newborn, adjusting to my new reality. But I'm me, and I'm stubborn, and I had to go and ruin that, too. Sometimes, I almost felt like Sin… everywhere I went, heartache followed. It's almost like causing heartache is my mission in life. And, oh, what a sorry mission.

Dawn's light greeted me long after I'd fallen asleep. I didn't bother to greet it back, but instead, covered my face with a pillow and rolled onto my side, attempting to put off daylight and cohesiveness for just a moment longer. Fleetingly, my mind wandered to Telan. I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing. I knew she must have been fine… she was with Gippal, she liked Gippal. But I was still worried. I couldn't help but hate myself for leaving her with him. I couldn't help but hate him for hurting me. I couldn't help but hate him for agreeing to watch our daughter. But as the icy cold waves of hurt and hate flowed over me, I sank into my mattress more completely, pushing the thoughts from my head.

I shivered lightly in the late morning chill, pulling my blankets tightly around my aching body. The small walks around Besaid, around the airship or the campsite at Bikanel… those hadn't bothered me. The long one from Djose had done more damage than good, both to my body and my heart. With a depressed sigh, I curled up into a ball, glad that there was no sunlight to force me out of bed in the Plains.

Mid-afternoon had come along, slowly but surely. I stared blankly at the ceiling. Maybe he was right… maybe it hadn't been how it looked. But how could it not?

I wanted to make an excuse for his behavior, to make the excuse real, to forgive, and to forget. But really, my common sense told me, there was no excuse. The real was what had happened, and I couldn't forget… or forgive, yet. He'd said he loved me. And I believed him. But… how could I be sure, after what he'd done?

I don't know what I was thinking on the day we departed from Luca. When I woke up, when we'd named our baby, when he'd kissed me and cried… had I been asked, I would have told anyone that I was going to be going home, to Djose, when I was released from the hospital. But my doubt continues to be my downfall, and in doubting myself, I made another huge mistake. This was my fault.

Tears slowly rolled off my cheek and onto the pillow I'd curled around some time before. My sobbing was quiet, but painful. I continually buried my face in the linen to muffle the sound and attempt to calm myself, but it wasn't working.

I remembered vaguely, from those unconscious days in Luca, one of those small memories that continually flashed through my mind and then were lost once more. More tears… his, rolling down over my hand. How could he cry for me… and then betray me? How could he make my heart swell with love, and then rip it out of my chest with such force?

It was so lonely, this tiny room in the Thunder Plains. So dark, lonely, cold… why had I run here? Of all places… why had I chosen this one? Perhaps because it reflected how I was feeling? Perhaps… because I wasn't thinking.

"Rikku, it's okay… just some thunder."

"I don't like thunder!"

"I know… I've got you."

Thunder rolled through the sky, shaking the foundation as I kept my eyes closed in a silent fear, as I clung to my blanket. There were no arms to keep me safe from the thunder tonight, no warm comfort to purge my fear.

The strange thing was… even throughout the storm, all I could think of was that comfort. I couldn't help but concentrate on it with my entire being. As if maybe if I thought hard enough… it would be real.

Midnight came, and finally, the storm had died. I stared out the slightly open curtains from my bed, not remembering when I had gotten up and opened them, even if it was only slightly. I was exhausted… too exhausted to sleep, really. I'd only left my bed to use the bathroom. I hadn't eaten. Dull pains still frequented my abdomen. But I didn't care.

And with my insomnia came even more doubt. How could this be my fault? He'd messed up this time, hadn't he? I'd caught him. I'd done what I needed to do. I'd searched for him, I'd tried to fix my wrongs. This time, he'd been the one to bring about heartache, not me.

And the scary thing was… some part of me acknowledged my doubt as truth. And another part of me, the bigger part, accepted it without question.

I almost found myself wishing that the storm would sound off once more. I was lost in the silence, and it was tearing me to pieces.

Sorry for the long wait… I've been busy and lazy and all of that. I'm going to try to get two more chapters out by next Thursday… Thanks to FairyIce for beta and dealing with my crap, lol!

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