Disclaimer: We don't own it. End of story.
Chapter Five
Diary Entry 220
I'm fed up with being a chocolate button addict, so I asked my head scientist to come up with a cure today. He said it couldn't be done. He soon found himself looking at me from the wrong side of the window that gives me a view of space in my bedroom. I asked his second in command; he also said it couldn't be done. What happened next was so gruesome that not even I dare to repeat it. His successor agreed to try…. Goodbye to him.
Finally I found a scientist who said he would be able to help. Although I think he may have been too scared to say no. So he lives.
I eagerly await his results.
Diary entry 221
My new head scientist has begged for more time to complete the task I set him of finding a cure for my little chocolate buttons problem.
He has suggested that I supply myself with some audio tapes which I am to play while I sleep.
They are nothing special, they just repeat the message "you hate chocolate buttons" over and over in a funny voice that sounds like a wompa's attempt at talking.
We will just have to wait and see. In rebel news I have given my code breaker the letters from that bunch of mean maggots. I should be receiving results soon.
XOXOXO Palpy
Diary Entry 222
Another day, another tape, another failure
Not only has my chocolate button addiction increased, but my code breakers are coming up with some preposterous ideas.
Darthy insists that the best way is to deploy probe droids to search the planets, but we're running low on funding
Why, you ask Well, Vader 'accidentally' murdered the head of the organisation that we threatened money out of. Must have squeezed his neck a bit too much. Ah well maybe more results tomorrow.
XOXOXO Palpy
Diary Entry 223
I have results! Not about my chocolate button addiction but about the rebel scum! My top code breakers have been searching through the letter I received and have come to the obvious conclusion…… take a look for yourself:
Rebel Base
Hoth
The Galaxy
The Universe
BT73 3GP
Dear Palpy,
We just thought you ought to knoW that we here at the rebel base all find your mother to be a most engaging and useful asset. You should not have let her wander so freely about your station. ShE may be aging but her eyes and her eArs are in perfect condition and she was only to happy to inform 'heR darling little sonny boys bestEst friends' of all his evil schemes that he has nOt yet put iNto practice.
She also shared with us some of the photos that you had so valiantly proTected up till now. Cute bonnet by the way. Nice frills….
Anyway, we posted These pictures on our website in an attempt to bOOst moral. It worked amazingly, and in a way it was a bad idea, because now ever time we hold a meeting no one can say the words 'emperor', 'Palpatine' or 'evil' with out the whole congregation bursting into fits of mirth.
One more thing before I go, (my hands are getting cold from all this snow which is landing on the page), your mother has been too kind to us and has offered not only to kNit us clothing but also to knit us weapons. So thank you Mr Palpy. Thank you very much indeed.
Yours sincerely,
The Rebellion
When you put all the bold letters together you get 'We are on Tatooine'!
Other than that, not much has been happening! All I need to do is persuade Vader to miss out Hoth on his Probe Droid Scout.
XOXOXO Palpy
Diary Entry 223
The base has been struck by an epidemic of wompa flu almost over night. My investigators say that the germs were carried inside the letter I received from the rebels and were released when my code breakers delved too deeply in the letters contents. They obviously set off some kind of hidden mechanism.
WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THEM THEY WILL WISH THEY WERE NEVER……NEVER…..NEV- ACHOOO! BornI'll also have to ask them how they managed to keep wompas on Tatooine.
Everyone has caught the flu, it's horrible. I've got a temperature, sneezing, coughing, I'm paler than usual and I have a running nose. I can't taste anything I'm so blocked up. Not even my chocolate buttons. Sniff. ACHOOO!
XOXOXO Palpy ACHOOO!
Diary Entry 224
It appears that I was wrong to say that everyone has this Wompa Flu. Vader escaped it nicely and he's the only person not snivelling inside his helmet. When I ordered (nicely!) him to go get me a tissue because my nose was running he retorted rather rudely as to why I wasn't chasing it! I'm sure he was smirking in that mask of his.
I'm currently sulking in my privet chamber hugging my Ewok Bear. At least my dearest Mara wasn't here to see me like this.
XOXOXO Palpy
Diary Entry 225
During my moments of weakness Vader has acted of his own accord to deploy those Probe Droids. Including one on Hoth. Well, that's another several hundred thousand credits out the air lock.
Everyone is now recovering from the epidemic called Wompa Flu. Everyone, that is, except me! My medical experts say that I should be getting better any day now. I better had because if I don't they said they might have to keep me in quarantine. Whatever that means.
I've also been told to 'die quietly' as I was creating too much noise by sneezing while the Stormtroopers were training. Apparently it didn't sound enough like the middle of a battle field and more like a monster with a cold knocking down several walls! It was not! I only blew down two walls and sent about seventeen men to the hospital bay!
XOXOXO Pal- ACHOOO!- py
Diary Entry 226
The Impossible has happened! The Wompa Flu has mutated! IT NOW AFFECTS COMPUTERS AS WELL AS------------!"£$&(&&(&$££$&$$ HUMANS!
Itt Causes Bad PUNTuaction, GRAMM$$AR an& Zpellllin!
THE HOLE $YSTEM IS CRA5H1N aRounD are ACH000+1+ NO5E5 ……
I CANT HOLD IT! MY RECORds!
!"£$&()SDFGHJKKJH£$&JHGF£$RTUIGFR$E£W"£$(&$£"QAYUI
THIS IS WOMPA FLU, YOU ARE OFFICALY INFECTED. HAHA. STAND BY FOR SYSTEM WIPE!
NOOOO!
"!YVTYUIO)(&GHJQYUHBIJ(&CUIJMNBHTFRDE$WSIU&!
XOXOXO WOMPA FLU
A.N Hello We'ER BAcK!
Sweetdeath04: Enough with the bad punctuation!
Thorney: SoRRy
Sweetdeath04: dead pan look that means trouble appears on face.
Thorney: We've been away for a long time so sorry. You can all put your pitch forks and toasting rods away now because we are back in town. Thank goodness for half term.
Thorney and Sweetdeath04