"The Phantom of the Opera, Pretty Much"
Chapter 1: Heavy Things Fall On Carlotta
(A rather old MAN enters an OPERA HOUSE. A WOMAN, MADAME GIRY, gives him a LOOK. An AUCTION commences.)
AUCTIONEER: Sold. Your number? Thank you. Now, lot 665: A music box in the shape of a barrel organ, with a cymbal-playing Persian monkey attached. God only knows who would want such a thing.
(The PORTER holds up a truly HIDEOUS music box, with the DETAILS exactly as DESCRIBED.)
PORTER: Showing here.
(The old MAN, hereafter known as RAOUL, gives MADAME GIRY a LOOK. She RETURNS said LOOK. The PORTER plays the MUSIC BOX. We are DISTURBED.)
MADAME GIRY: I want it.
RAOUL: So do I.
MADAME GIRY: Fine, you can have it.
AUCTIONEER: Sold to the Vicomte de Chagny.
(The PORTER hands the MUSIC BOX to RAOUL. RAOUL begins to TALK to HIMSELF.)
RAOUL: A collector's piece indeed... every detail exactly as she said...
(RAOUL whispers some more STUFF, and we get the IDEA that he is REVEALING some vital INFORMATION. However, this doesn't really MATTER, as the old FART speaks so SOFTLY that we can't understand a WORD he is SAYING.)
AUCTIONEER: Lot 666, then. Pay no mind to the unfortunate number; this is the chandelier that we all think crashed down on the opera house many a year ago. The thing really hasn't moved that much over the years. Let's shed some light by pulling off the canvas on the chandelier, mmkay? Oh, did I mention the ghost? Let me think of something thoughtful to say about the ghost.
PORTER: No.
(The PORTER takes the CANVAS off of the CHANDELIER. There is a BIG FLASH. Those who have seen the MUSICAL are not IMPRESSED. Presently we see a lot of STUFF, including MEG and CHRISTINE in their BALLET CLOTHES. We also see MADAME GIRY, but we do not yet know who she IS. The screen FIXES on CARLOTTA. We believe her to be DYING of some very painful INJURY, but it turns out she is just SINGING.)
CARLOTTA: THEEEES TROFEEE FROM OUR SAAAAAAVIORSSSS, FROM THE ENSLEEEEAVEEEENG SUCH AND SUCH
CHORUS: LA LA LA LA HANNIBAL COMES
PIANGI: LA LA LA LA ROMAAA's FAR REACHING GRAAASP
(We see the ORCHESTRA PIT. We are HORRIFIED at the sight of a SCARY MAN.)
SCARY MAN: Although most operas are sung in Italian, we expect you to adapt to our traditions and say Rome, not Roma.
PIANGI: But this is France. Why are we talking in English? Why was I SINGING in English? Why do I even bother singing at all?
SCARY MAN hereafter known as REYER: Why is my part so small?
PIANGI: Why does everyone hate my girlfriend?
REYER: Why is Christine such a loser?
PIANGI: Why do fools fall in love?
REYER: Right then. Now, practice for me. Say Rome.
PIANGI: Rome... Rome... Rome.. (etc.)
(We notice three MEN entering the SCENE. They are LEFEVRE, FIRMIN and ANDRE. They are dressed very STYLISHLY and are ogling the BALLET GIRLS.)
LEFEVRE: Ladies and gentlemen, some of you have already met--
REYER: We're rehearsing.
PIANGI: Rome, Rome, Rome...
LEFEVRE: I see that, but if I could just jump in for a minute--
REYER: REHEARSING.
PIANGI: Rome, Rome, Rome...
LEFEVRE: You've made that clear, but I really--
REYER: May Lucifer curse your pitiful soul for eternity. Now, Piangi, once more...
(Some THINGS fall on CARLOTTA.)
CARLOTTA: Ow. Ow. Ow.
PIANGI: SAD TO RETURN TO FIND THE LA--oh. Cara, are you all right?
(CARLOTTA attempts to speak, but is HIT by a falling BACKDROP.)
PIANGI: Um, I guess not.
CARLOTTA: Ow, ow, ow...
(CARLOTTA throws off the BACKDROP and runs off of the STAGE. ANDRE and FIRMIN look CONFUSED.)
FIRMIN: All right then. What now?
ANDRE: I think we need an understudy.
(At the word "UNDERSTUDY," the entire CAST looks at ANDRE as if he has said something OUTRAGEOUS. It greatly resembles the HYSTERIA following the SECRET WORD on those PEEWEE HERMAN TELEVISION SHOWS. Everyone SCREAMS and SHUDDERS and SO ON.)
LEFEVRE: But there IS no understudy for La Carlotta!
FIRMIN: La Carlotta? I thought her name was Carlotta Giudicelli or something!
ANDRE: Well, I thought your name was Richard!
FIRMIN: Uh...
LEFEVRE: That's actually a very good question. Monsieur, what IS your first name? Is it Firmin, or is it Richard?
FIRMIN: It's... neither. It's Evangeline.
ANDRE: Evangeline Firmin? Or Firmin Evangeline?
FIRMIN: Shut up!
MADAME GIRY: Christine Daae could sing the part, sir.
FIRMIN: ...what?
MADAME GIRY: The part. Elissa. Christine Daae could sing it.
CHRISTINE: No I couldn't.
MADAME GIRY: Just because Emmy Rossum can't sing doesn't mean you can't. You will sing.
CHRISTINE: Um...
(A rather DISGRUNTLED RAOUL walks ONSTAGE. He FROWNS.)
RAOUL: Will someone please acknowledge my presence?
ANDRE: Right, yes. Please meet our new patron, the Vicomte de Chagny.
EVERYONE: Yay.
CHRISTINE: Aah! That's that guy! The guy who got my scarf out of the river, and who called me Little Lotte and stuff!
MEG: Lotte? How do you get Lotte out of Christine?
CHRISTINE: I'm not entirely sure. Anyway, he's hot, huh?
MEG: Very.
RAOUL: Ahem.
FIRMIN: So... Miss Daae. Sing for us.
ANDRE: Elissa has a rather splendid aria in act three, yes?
FIRMIN: Shut up, you! I'm the composer here!
ANDRE: Oh, whatever. Daae, sing.
(CHRISTINE begins to SING. As she SINGS, the WORLD turns AROUND. We find ourselves watching CHRISTINE sing in front of an AUDIENCE.)
CHRISTINE: Thiiiink of meeee... thiiiink of me foooondly...
RAOUL: Wow, that girl looks familiar.
CHRISTINE: Blah blah blah please promise me that sometimes you will think OoOooOoOoOoooOo...
RAOUL: Can it be Christine?
CHRISTINE: OoooOOOoOoOOOOOoOooOooOoOo...
RAOUL: I think it might be.
CHRISTINE: OoOoOoOoOoOoOooOoOOOoOO...
RAOUL: Yes, it is. No, wait, it might be Melissa, that girl I met last summer...
CHRISTINE: OoOooOoOooOoOOoOOoOooOOO...
RAOUL: Oh, I seem to have broken a nail. How dreadful...
CHRISTINE: OoOooOoOOoOOOOOoOoOoOOo...
RAOUL: Oh, that chandelier is divine...
CHRISTINE: OooOoOoOooOooOoOOooOoOo...
RAOUL: Hmm... getting kind of tired...
CHRISTINE: OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooOooOOoORAOULSINGYOURLINEooOoOoOoOOooOoOOOO...
RAOUL: Oh. Right. Can it be, can it be Christine! BRAVA! BRAVA!
CHRISTINE: OoOoOoOoOoffff... MEEEEEEEEEEE!
AUDIENCE: YAAAY!