-Chapter 4: The Chapter that Never Was-
(We see JOSEPH BUQUET and some BALLET GIRLS. For some unknown REASON, BUQUET is wearing a CAPE and holding a piece of ROPE.)
BUQUET: Like yellow parchment is his skin... a great black hole is half the nose that never grew...
BALLET GIRL 1: That sounds suspiciously like Michael Jackson.
BUQUET: You know what, you're right. A cross between Michael Jackson and a wrinkly old guy.
PHANS: The Phantom is not wrinkly or old!
(MICHAEL CRAWFORD appears in a FLASH OF LIGHT.)
MICHAEL CRAWFORD: Oh yes I am! And I'm from the original London cast, so what I say is law!
GERARD BUTLER: Well, I'm... the guy from Timeline! At least I got ONE hot French babe!
BALLET GIRLS: Ooh, burn.
MICHAEL CRAWFORD: That's it, it's on. Right now. Let's go.
(The two PHANTOMS begin to FIGHT. ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER and GASTON LEROUX rush in.)
WEBBER: Guys, guys, stop fighting!
LEROUX: Neither of you are entirely canon, you know that. Michael, you don't have a torture chamber, and Gerard, you are entirely too attractive to play someone so horribly disfigured.
(Everyone looks at LEROUX in shock.)
LEROUX: I...didn't say that.
WEBBER: Okay then. Gaston, you should probably go back to your own time. Michael and I have an appointment with Mr. Schumacher, and Gerry... go cry over "Down Once More."
GERARD BUTLER: That wasn't very nice! And besides, my tears are manly tears!
MICHAEL CRAWFORD: They are nothing compared to the tears of my fellow wrinkly old guy, Chuck Norris! Chuck's tears cure all conceivable diseases! Too bad he never cries!
(In the midst of this HYSTERIA, the PERSIAN and DARIUS rush in.)
PERSIAN: Webber! I've finally found you!
DARIUS: We have a bone to pick with you!
WEBBER: Pardon?
PERSIAN: Why are we not in your musical?
DARIUS: Is it because we aren't pretty?
PERSIAN: Is it because we smell?
DARIUS: Is it because we don't have attractive female life partners?
PERSIAN: And what happened to Moncharmin? He's so much sexier than Andre!
(Everyone looks at the PERSIAN.)
LEROUX: That, Daroga, is why you don't have an attractive female life partner.
PERSIAN: Aww, Gaston...
LEROUX: Come on, Daroga. I mean, in the novel, you once offered to catch Raoul in your arms. And you worded it exactly like that.
PERSIAN: It's not MY fault! I didn't write the book!
LEROUX: You wrote the narrative that was inside the book, though. You could've chosen not to publish that particular detail.
WEBBER: Are you questioning my hero's sexuality? He has to be hunky and blonde so he can go save Christine from the Phantom!
LEROUX: For the record, his name is Erik. Say it with me now: Erik.
BUQUET: I hate to interrupt, but... you kind of ruined our scene.
BALLET GIRL 2: Yeah, we were having a discussion.
LEROUX: Oh, sorry... I should probably go back to my own time anyway.
(LEROUX disappears in a TIME WARP. The PERSIAN and DARIUS follow.)
GERARD BUTLER: While you've all been arguing, I've been reading more of the script. Does anyone have a Kleenex?
WEBBER: Shut up, or I'll have Joel doctor the ending so that when Meg goes down to the lair at the end, she finds you in a sarcophagus that says--
GERARD BUTLER: SHUT UP ABOUT TIMELINE ALREADY!
MICHAEL CRAWFORD: Andy, I think we should probably head back to... wherever we came from.
WEBBER: Jolly good.
(WEBBER and MICHAEL CRAWFORD disappear. GERARD BUTLER, script in hand, also disappears. BUQUET and the BALLET GIRLS are left standing in silence.)
BUQUET: ...I think we should start over.
BALLET GIRL 1: That would be a good idea.
BUQUET: Uh.. makeup!
(As the MAKEUP CREW descends upon the ACTORS, everyone pretends that this CHAPTER never HAPPENED, and prepares for ANOTHER TAKE.)