-Chapter 5: Another Attempt-
(We once again see BUQUET and the BALLET GIRLS, with BUQUET in his aforementioned bizarre COSTUME.)
BUQUET: Now, let's try this again. Like yellow parchment is his skin... a great black hole is half the nose that never grew...
BALLET GIRL 1: Like Michael Jackson.
(BUQUET for some reason puts the NOOSE around his NECK.)
BALLET GIRL 1: AAAAAAH!
EVERYONE ELSE: YAY!
(MADAME GIRY enters, in a FURY.)
MADAME GIRY: Those who speak of what they know find too late that prudent silence is wise!
BUQUET: This coming from the woman who plays Rita Skeeter?
MADAME GIRY: Joseph Buquet, hold your tongue! He will burn you with the heat of his eyes!
BUQUET: How is that even possible?
MADAME GIRY: I don't know. Ask my daughter; she's the magician of the family.
(On that note, we cut to MEG. She is at the WINDOW of the DORMITORY, and she can see the ROOF of the OPERA HOUSE. KING WALTER JEBEDIAH JONES is on her SHOULDER.)
WALTER: ...and then I told him, you know what? You stay away from me, or I'll--
MEG: AAAAAAAAAH!
WALTER: What!
MEG: He's here, the Phantom of the Opera!
BALLET GIRLS: AAH!
(MADAME GIRY rushes in.)
MADAME GIRY: (INSERT RANDOM FRENCH HERE)
AUDIENCE: What the...?
MEG: Aww, mom, I don't want to go to bed.
(The scene changes to the MANAGERS' OFFICE. FIRMIN sits at his desk, waving a NEWSPAPER over his head.)
FIRMIN: "Mystery after gala night!" It says "Mystery of soprano's flight!" But that's not all! They also exposed the secret of my real name and are calling me Angie in all their articles... oh, it hurts...
(ANDRE rushes in.)
ANDRE: DAAAMNNNABLLLE, will they all walk out? This is DAAAMNNNNABLLE!
FIRMIN: Andre, please stop singing like the guys from the original Canadian cast!
ANDRE: ...but they called me short in the newspapers!
FIRMIN: They called ME Angie!
ANDRE: Aw, poor Firmin... let's rent cheesy movies and eat Doritos all night.
FIRMIN: Where on earth did that come from?
ANDRE: Hey, what are those letters?
FIRMIN: I don't know. Let's find out.
(They OPEN the NOTES.)
FIRMIN: Oh my... what does yours say?
ANDRE: It says: "Dear Shorty, congratulations on being tall enough to reach the table that this note was on. Anyway, please kill Carlotta, because she sucks. Love, MJ."
FIRMIN: Wow. Mine says: "Dear Angie, I enjoyed the interesting revelation as to your gender. Also, please give me money, because it's pretty and I like to look at it. Love, MJ."
BOTH: Who would have the gall to send this? OH! Of course! Someone with a puerile brain!
FIRMIN: These are both signed "MJ!"
ANDRE: Who the hell... are they?
BOTH: WACKO JACKO!
FIRMIN: Wow, being watched by a pedophile kind of sucks.
(RAOUL enters.)
RAOUL: Where is she?
FIRMIN: You mean Carlotta?
RAOUL: Yes, of course I mean Carlotta. Of course I do. Carlotta is just the person I most want to see right now. Of course.
ANDRE: Well, who DO you mean, then?
RAOUL: ...Miss Daae...
FIRMIN: Well, how should we know where she is?
RAOUL: You don't know?
ANDRE: That's pretty much what he just said.
RAOUL: Stop lying! Is this not the letter you wrote?
FIRMIN: And what is it that we're meant to have wrote? Wait, written! No, writed. Writted?
RAOUL and ANDRE: WRITTEN!
ANDRE: Let's see this note then... it says: "Do not fear for Miss Daae; the Angel of Music, King of Pop has her under his wing. Make no attempt to see her again."
FIRMIN: But I thought Michael Jackson liked... boys!
ANDRE: Well, he was with Lisa Marie that one time...
FIRMIN: Oh, right.
(In the midst of the HYSTERIA, CARLOTTA and PIANGI rush in.)
CARLOTTA: WHERE IS HE!
ANDRE: Ah, welcome back!
CARLOTTA: Your precious patron--where is he!
RAOUL: Right over here, Madame Intelligent.
CARLOTTA: YOU! Stop writing me mean letters!
FIRMIN: Not more notes!
CARLOTTA: Read it for yourself!
RAOUL: Let's see now... "Your days at the Opera Populaire are numbered. Christine Daae will be singing on your behalf tonight, and if you want to say otherwise, I'll eat your brains."
FIRMIN: Wait, what is this Opera Populaire? I thought we were in the Palais Garnier...?
PIANGI: The puh-WHAT?
ANDRE: Oh, shut up. You weren't even in the novel, were you?
RAOUL: Please, let's not get sidetracked.
ANDRE and FIRMIN: Uh.. far too many notes for our taste! And most of them about Christine! All we've heard since we came is Miss Daae's NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME--
(MADAME GIRY and MEG enter.)
MADAME GIRY: Miss Daae has returned.
FIRMIN: I trust her midnight oil is well and truly burned.
MADAME GIRY: What?
FIRMIN: Not sure what that meant...
ANDRE: Where precisely is she now?
MADAME GIRY: I thought it best that she went home.
MEG: Sheeee neeeeeedeeeeed... REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSST!
MADAME GIRY: Meg, why all the fanfare?
MEG: I was making the most of my only line for like ten million years.
RAOUL: Wow. Well, can I go harass her?
MADAME GIRY: No.
CARLOTTA: WEEL SHE SEEENG! WEEL SHE SEEENG!
MADAME GIRY: Look, I have a note! See? It's shiny!
EVERYONE: LET ME SEE IT!
FIRMIN: No, let ME see it!
(FIRMIN snatches the NOTE from MADAME GIRY.)
FIRMIN: It says: "Gentlemen, you suck and don't know how to run an opera house. Christine Daae is back, and she's going to play the lead in Il Muto. Make Carlotta play a guy. If you don't do all that, I will make a big shiny thing fall on your collective head."
CARLOTTA: Me, a man? Absurd!
FIRMIN: Well, you know, sometimes Lyse Guerin kind of looks like--
PIANGI: This is all a ploy to help Christine!
ANDRE: No way! Really?
CARLOTTA: I know who sent this: The Vicomte, her lover!
RAOUL: Indeed. Didn't we just go over the fact that I didn't send these notes?
CARLOTTA: You didn't send it?
RAOUL: No.
CARLOTTA: You dare to tell me that this is not the letter you sent?
RAOUL: Carly, I just said that several times. I. DID. NOT. SEND. THE. LETTER.
ANDRE: Well, we don't take orders, Signora. Miss Daae will be playing the pageboy.
ANDRE and FIRMIN: CARLOTTA WILL BE PLAYING THE LEAD!
CARLOTTA: No! You're just kissing my ass!
ANDRE and FIRMIN: No, we love you! We love you love you love you! Here are puppies and shoes and a pretty pink dress! Prima Donna, first lady of the stage, your devotees are on their knees to implore you!
CARLOTTA: Fine, I'll sing... if one of you will drink from my shoe.
ANDRE: Wha..!
(CARLOTTA takes off her SHOE and hands it to FIRMIN, along with a BOTTLE of CHAMPAGNE.)
CARLOTTA: Drink, or no sing.
FIRMIN: Ew... but... that's unsanitary...
RAOUL: Christine spoke of an angel. Is this her angel of music?
ANDRE: Remember that letter that said "The Angel of Music, King of Pop has her under his wing?"
RAOUL: Oh, yeah. Right.
FIRMIN: I really, really don't want to do this...
CARLOTTA: Drink, or no sing.
(FIRMIN DRINKS.)
FIRMIN: OH MY GOD! Ah... I can see my life flashing before my eyes... oh, look, porn...
CARLOTTA: What on earth was I thinking, coming to work here...
(FIRMIN passes out on the FLOOR.)
EVERYONE: Sing, Prima Donna... once MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!
(A loud VOICE booms from the HEAVENS.)
ERIK: So, it is to be war between us! If these demands are not met, a big shiny thing will destroy you! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--oh.
EVERYONE: Um.. once MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!