Meh, sorry for the delay. But I thought this chapter turned out all right – hopefully you'll think the same. I love all my reviewers, and a few of you I'm addressing here…
Lady Pyrefly: Heh, I'd make it that way if it's wasn't for the fact that Zoe's oddly-kempt hair makes it more apparent that her character's a Sue. My hair used to be curly, and it looked like a hedge in the mornings…(flinches at the memory)
sinj: Mostly I'll be making fun of the different kinds of Mary Sues, but there will probably be other BIG clichés mixed in there somewhere, mostly because Zoe assumes things (e.g. Harry being cute).
Xock: Funny you should ask that – there are many different inserts that show up, all an example of popular Mary Sue clichés. There's on in this chapter, as a matter of fact. And I'd love to hear your suggestions! The canon characters' dislike of the inserts is explained as the story goes on, so don't worry about that.
And many, many thanks to Windfox for spotting a horrible error! I said that Bella has a crush on Cedric, but, as Windfox was kind enough to point out, since this is the fifth book, Cedric is dead! I've gone back and changed Bella's romantic interest to Roger Davies, so no worries.
I think that's it…and everyone else, you know I love you – I said so in my second sentence! If I don't address you, usually it's because you didn't ask a question. Anyway, enjoy the chapter!
Certifiably Frightening
Lena Potter and the Potions Catastrophe
Zoe felt her face heat up under the intense stares of almost one thousand people. She looked around, part of her brain shrieking for her to just bolt out of the Hall before she got murdered, but another part frantically trying to come up with a way to get out of this with a shred of dignity left. She was spared the toll of making a decision when a hand closed tightly around her upper arm and started dragging her backward.
"Come on," a shrill voice demanded, and Zoe twisted her head around and found that the person pulling at her was Bella, to the rescue. She started stumbling back with her, wondering vaguely what she was doing here and not en route to the library.
"I told you they don't look like the actors," Bella said, the pitch of her voice lowering a little in exasperation. The relative silence was broken by a sarcastic drawl.
"Merlin's bathrobes," a boy with pale, pointed features said scathingly, shaking his head of slicked-back blonde hair. "Could the stupidity in here get any thicker?"
There were scattered approving chuckles, and Zoe squinted at the boy's face.
"That's not…" she started, but Bella hauled her out of the Hall before she could finish the sentence. Once safely in the entrance hall, the white-haired girl released her and asked, "What did you think you were doing? That was suicide, right there!"
"But…" Zoe tried to come up with an excuse, "I was just a little…surprised, that's all! Sheesh, I could've handled it!"
Whatever bravado she had was returning away from the harsh glares of the rest of Hogwarts' inhabitants. Bella shook her head disbelievingly.
"You were standing there like a deer caught in the headlights. You were two seconds away from a meltdown."
Zoe flushed again and bit her lip.
"He really did look totally different from what I was picturing," she said softly, more to herself than to Bella. The other girl nodded sympathetically.
"I know. I was something of Draco fan myself before I came, but…he's really not that cute either. It was kind of a letdown."
"So that was him?" Zoe asked, glancing at the double doors. Bella nodded. Zoe wrinkled her nose. The real Draco Malfoy wasn't as good-looking as she'd been picturing, either. She hadn't expected for his face to be quite so…sharp. And he should really let his hair loose instead of slicking it back like that.
"Hey," she said suddenly, looking at Bella suspiciously, "What were you doing down in the Hall, anyway? I thought you were going to the library."
Bella flushed.
"Well…I decided I wanted a piece of toast, and…I kind of wanted to see Roger before we have to go to Potions first thing. Seeing him always cheers me up – he's so handsome."
Her face was burning bright red by the end of her sentence. Zoe nodded, but her understanding look was soon replaced by one of horror when part of what Bella said registered.
"Wait…we have Potions first class?"
Bella nodded miserably.
"Yes. And Snape is horrible, absolutely wicked. Don't make eye contact, and follow the directions to the letter, otherwise you're going to pay."
"Do we have it with the Slytherins?" she asked, already knowing the answer. Another nod, and Zoe's shoulders slumped, her stomach feeling oddly heavy. That was just what she needed after a humiliating beginning like that. Snape had probably been there at the staff table and knew just how idiotic she had looked.
"Do you have your book with you?" Bella asked, and to Zoe's relief it was in her bag – she hadn't thought to check her schedule and gather her things, she had been too hungry and shaken up by the other girls' reactions to her to think of it. She could go get her Transfiguration book after this period.
"So don't make eye contact and pay attention to the instructions? Got it," Zoe said to remind herself, and Bella said warningly, "Yes, but Snape isn't really the worst part, even. You see, there's –"
But the rest of her words were drowned out by the noise of all the students pouring out the Great Hall and heading off to their classes, chattering loudly. Zoe stuck close on Bella's tail as she led the way to the dungeons, trying desperately to remember the route so she could eventually get there on her own. After the fifth confusing staircase and hallway combination she gave up and focused on not losing sight of Bella, although it wasn't hard – her hair was so long and bright that it was nearly impossible not to see her.
They joined a group of students from both Slytherin and Gryffindor outside Snape's classroom, both Houses hugging opposite walls and watching each other warily. Bella stood a ways apart from the others, and Zoe followed her example. It didn't help much – people from both Houses were smirking at her.
The door to the classroom swung inwards, creaking ominously, and wordlessly the students began to file in. Zoe bumped into a Slytherin girl on her way in, and instantly regretted it.
"Scum!" the girl screeched, and whipped out her wand. Zoe shrank back against the opposite wall fearfully, but blinked when she took in the girl's eyes. They were large and startlingly green, just like Harry's. Her hair was long and black, and her skin was pale but completely unblemished.
She must be an insert like me, Zoe thought. Fellow insert or not, however, it didn't look as if she'd be wanting to get to know this girl, if the wand pointed directly between her eyes was anything to go by.
"How dare you touch me?" the girl shrieked, eyes blazing and flecks of spittle flying from her mouth. "How can you deem yourself worthy to look Lena Potter, only living relative of Harry Potter, adopted daughter of the Dark Lord himself, directly in the face!"
"Lena Potter?" Zoe asked disbelievingly, and the girl's face took on a tragic expression behind the lunacy.
"We were cruelly separated at birth. I am the Girl Who Lived – see the scar?"
She parted her bangs to reveal a thin scar shaped like a lightning bolt before continuing. "I was taken in by Death Eaters who were awed at my power, even as an infant. Since the Dark Lord has returned, he has taken me in as his daughter!"
Zoe couldn't help but notice the blatant irony – if the Voldemort killed her and Harry's parents, why the hell would she want to be allied with him? But she couldn't get a word in edgewise, because the strange girl was still ranting.
"I have pledged my full allegiance to him! I bide my time here at Hogwarts, awaiting the moment when I can –"
Her tirade was cut off by a cold, silky voice that floated towards them from the doorway.
"As fascinating as hearing about this for the twelfth time is," Professor Snape said with a sneer, "You are disrupting the lesson, which has just begun. Both of you are late, and will receive detention."
His black eyes shifted to Zoe, who fidgeted uncomfortably under his harsh scrutiny.
"And ten points from Gryffindor for adding another idiot to the horde of them that I find myself forced to teach," he concluded icily before sweeping back into the classroom, robes billowing out behind him. Zoe mouthed disbelievingly after him, and 'Lena Potter' trudged into the classroom, looking sulky. Zoe followed, shock quickly being replaced by anger, and threw herself into the seat besides Bella, who was looking sympathetic. The rest of the Gryffindors looked peeved at the loss of ten points, and at the very beginning of the day, no less.
Zoe set up her cauldron and read the directions Snape left on the board carefully. Bella went to get the ingredients, and Zoe read the instructions again, partially because she wanted to get this absolutely right, and partly because she was having trouble reading Snape's spidery handwriting.
"Hey," she said softly when Bella returned, her arms full of jars and bags, "What's the seventh line say? I can't really read it."
"12 lacewing wings," Bella read aloud, and then to Zoe she said, "It helps if you squint a little."
Zoe obligingly peered more closely at the board. "Ah."
"I will now put you in pairs," Snape announced over the hum of conversation, and as they quieted Bella moaned, "Oh, no…I thought he was going to let us choose partners…"
Snape recited who would be working with who, pairing Slytherins and Gryffindors with a certain amount of malicious satisfaction at the students' disgruntled faces.
"Let's see…Zoe Walker and…Morgan Smithe."
"It's LENA POTTER!" the fangirl fairly screamed in frustration. Apparently this happened often, because no one even bothered rolling their eyes at the outburst. Even Snape only flashed half a sneer in her direction. Zoe clapped a hand to her forehead. She hated Snape – why would he pair her with that raving lunatic? Reluctantly Zoe gathered the ingredients she needed and trudged over to the other girl's table, noting that the other Slytherins were sitting as far away from her as possible.
"Great, I guess we're partners," Zoe muttered unenthusiastically. 'Lena' glowered at her and snapped, "Of course we're partners, you imbecile! That's why he read off our names when he said he was putting us in pairs! Stupid Mudblood scum!"
"Hey, at least I know my real name!" Zoe snarled back, not about to take this from a crazed insert with no real significance to the plot.
A few people were watching with a sort of detached amusement. The rest of the room was either ignoring them or rolling their eyes at both of them.
"Five points from Gryffindor," Snape announced from his desk, smirking at them.
"What?" Zoe burst out. "What about her?"
"I took the points from Gryffindor because you are foolish and immature enough to attempt to argue with her," Snape sneered. "Anyone else can see that it's no use. Typical Gryffindor stupidity."
He swept off to inspect the students' cauldrons, and Zoe muttered a few choice curses under her breath. 'Lena' brought the water to a boil, and in hostile silence they began adding ingredients according to the instructions. Zoe looked a few tables to her right and saw Bella feverishly stirring the contents of her cauldron while her canon Slytherin partner added ingredients, glaring at the insert all the while.
"What are you doing?" her lunatic partner asked sharply, drawing her attention back to the twelve lacewing wings she was holding.
"I'm about to add the seventh ingredient," Zoe responded shortly. "Got a problem?"
"Yes, if you're adding those, you stupid piece of filth. The seventh line clearly states that you're supposed to add twelve lionfish quills."
She shook a jar of long, sickly green quills under Zoe's nose in emphasis. Zoe frowned and looked around.
"Then why is everyone else using lacewing wings? Ever think of that? You just can't read Snape's handwriting. I'll ask him what it says and prove it to you."
She raised her hand, and Snape quirked an eyebrow at her.
"Professor, what does the seventh line say we're supposed to add?"
"Are you illiterate, Miss Walker?" Snape asked sarcastically. "I'm busy enough without having to read your directions for you."
Zoe slumped in her chair and scowled. Her partner picked up the argument where they'd left it off.
"Listen, you little worm, who's the superior mind here? Who's been here longer? Who was taught the art of potions making by the Dark Lord himself?"
Zoe groaned and rolled her eyes as 'Lena' shouted "ME, that's who! I am LENA POTTER, master of all forms of magic! It says so in my fic!"
"Dumbledore said what we wrote doesn't affect our abilities here," Zoe countered. The other girl looked lost for words, a blissful moment that was shattered when the contents of their cauldron, left alone to long due to their argument, exploded in their faces, sending them sprawling backwards. When they stirred, they found they were covered in a foul-smelling substance that looked unsettlingly like mucus.
"Oh, now look what you did!" Zoe cried angrily as they both started wiping off the slime. "You idiot! Taught by Voldemort my ass!"
"A further five points from Gryffindor for your ineptitude and language, Miss Walker," Snape drawled. As he swept away Zoe raised her eyebrows. Only five points? She'd been expecting fifty.
"I'd take off more," Snape said over his shoulder as though reading her mind, "But our dear Headmaster put a limit on the number of points I can deduct during one class. It appears you've used up the limit all on your own."
The rest of the Gryffindors were glaring at her, while the Slytherins looked amused. Zoe sighed and drew her knees up to her chin. Great, just great. She'd lost twenty points and failed an assignment, and first period wasn't even over yet.
"This is gonna be a bad day," she muttered.
After class Bella trotted over, pulling her wand out of her pocket.
"I'm sorry, Zoe," she said with a sad sigh. "The first day's always the hardest. Come on."
She led the way out of the classroom and up to the first landing before pointing her wand at Zoe and saying "Scourgify."
Some of the gunk, which was clumping together as it dried, disappeared. Bella frowned and repeated the spell, and more vanished. It took a total of eight times for Zoe to be completely clean and as they made their way up to the dormitory so Zoe could get her Transfiguration book Bella told her apologetically that she wasn't any great shakes with spells.
"Professor McGonagall told me yesterday that I don't have enough oomph when I say the incantations," she said, hanging her head. "But it's hard to put any force behind my words at all when everyone's glaring at me."
"Why is everyone so mean to you? Or to us, rather?" Zoe asked as they reached the Fat Lady's portrait. "Crimson banners."
They stepped through the portrait hole and made their way to their dormitory, and Bella said, "Because…I guess we annoy them. We don't belong here, we're always…you know…unnaturally pretty or whatever, and a few times some inserts really messed up the plot. It took a lot of work and spells to fix that."
"So they think we're dangerous and they're jealous of our looks?" Zoe asked as she checked her schedule and slid the appropriate books into her bag.
"Maybe not the second one so much – they think it's weird that we look like we do. But they hate it when an insert tries to start something with a cute canon character. Oh, shoot – we have to hurry."
They made their way to the Transfiguration classroom quickly, skidding into the room just before the bell rang. Professor McGonagall gave them a stern look over her square spectacles but didn't say anything. Zoe, in the interest of not losing any more points if she could help it, decided to keep her mouth shut for the duration of the class period.
McGonagall announced that they'd be turning porcupines into pincushions, and Bella nodded.
"I think that was in the fourth book," she whispered to Zoe.
"I haven't exactly read them all," Zoe whispered sheepishly, and Bella looked a little surprised. She didn't comment, thankfully, and Zoe listened as McGonagall told them the incantation and demonstrated the proper wand movement. The professor then directed the spell at the porcupine sitting in the stool beside her, which immediately changed into a perfect tartan pincushion. There was scattered, impressed applause, and then the room was filled with the sounds of people saying the spell. The professor walked through the aisles, watching their progress. Bella gulped and jabbed her wand at her porcupine, saying the spell shakily. The porcupine shuddered and its quills and fur took on a blue tinge. Seemingly angry at this change, the animal flicked its tail sharply, and Bella squealed as a few long, sharp quills sunk into her hand.
"Ow," she moaned miserably, and Zoe grabbed her arm and held it still.
"Should I pull them out?" she asked Bella hurriedly, but McGonagall came over before the sniffling girl could answer.
"Let me," the professor said with a slight sigh, and waved her wand. The quills extracted themselves from Bella's hand and robes and landed in a neat pile on the desk.
"You need to be firm when saying the spell," McGonagall chided. "If your voice shakes like that you won't see any results. Miss Walker, you try now."
Zoe bit her lip anxiously, her only relief being that no one was really looking at her, since everyone was still absorbed in trying out the spell.
"Okay," she said nervously, and jabbed her wand at the porcupine sharply, saying the spell as confidently as she could. In her story, Zephyra would have easily performed the spell, but all Zoe managed to do was make the creatures quills fall out. The porcupine did not look amused.
Neither, for that matter, did Professor McGonagall.
"That spell needs a lot of work," she said flatly. "But at least it won't be stabbing you."
She moved away to correct a dark-haired boy, who was jabbing his wand so determinedly at his porcupine that the creature was cowering in the corner of the desk.
"Not bad," Bella said, valiantly trying to be heartening. "Better than me, at least, and I've been here longer."
"No one's looking now," Zoe said encouragingly. "Try again – I bet you can do it."
Bella looked around worriedly, but gamely pointed her wand at the irate porcupine again and said the spell, this time with a bit more force, but she stuttered over the second syllable. The porcupine went completely blue and swelled up to the size of a beach ball. It started to ascend, floating lazily above the heads of the very amused students.
"No, no," the professor said with a sigh, and waved her wand. With a sound like air being released from a balloon, the porcupine deflated and shot back onto Bella's desk, where it spun around in a few circles before coming to a dizzy halt.
"Great," Bella moaned, and sunk lower in her chair. Zoe's porcupine chittered in a suspiciously mocking manner.