Chapter 4

"What are we doing here?" I ask, looking up from the brochures.

"It's on the list," he says, pulling into the dealership.

"But I ruled it out so I could afford a few luxuries in life; things like groceries."

"But I then pointed out that they're not as expensive as you think they are."

"Joshua, I can't afford a Lexus."

"If you're not crazy with your options, it's not that bad. Let's just see…"

He parks and we get out, where we're flogged by a sales associate in about fifteen seconds. They're like sharks. Can't we do something about this? I mean really, we're part of the government. Can't we protect the citizens of the ?xml:namespace prefix st1 ns "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" / United States from these vultures? I'm bringing it up at the next meeting I worm my way into. I'm going to suggest a bill in which these… piranhas can't come up to you in a car lot unless you… I don't know… wave a white surrender cloth or something at them. Uh oh, they're talking, I should pay attention.

"We'd like to look at an ES330," Josh tells the guy. A what?

The man nods. "Ok, but just so you know, we've got a great deal on our IS350 and our SC430. It'd be a shame if you didn't at least look at them."

Josh pulls something from his pants pocket and looks down at it. "No. The ES330." I try to catch a glimpse as he folds the paper and puts it back in his pocket, but I'm not able to see what it is.

The guy nods and we walk towards some cars. This is going to be my car, right? Why am I so out of the loop? I open the brochure I'm holding and look through it for… what was it? The E something?

We walk up to a dark silver, very nice car and I nearly pass out when I see the sticker price. Thirty-seven thousand dollars?

"Josh," I whisper harshly.

"Don't worry about it," he says quietly, nodding as the idiot who obviously didn't see what we drove up here in goes on and on about the virtues of this car. For thirty-seven thousand dollars, it damn well better come with a chauffeur.

"Are there specific options you're looking for in the car?" he asks Josh. Hello, car purchaser right here.

"To keep in it our price range, we need to keep the options to a minimum." Yeah, like none. Plus, can you get rid of some of the stuff it usually comes with, like the fourth tire and… windows? And what's up with the 'our price range' stuff?

"Can do. Would you like to take it for a spin?"

"She would," he says, nodding to me. Gee, thanks.

Five minutes later, I'm driving a Lexus, which I'm not gonna lie, is a really nice car. I mean, nice. Nice, nice. The shark is next to me talking it up and Josh is in the backseat taking notes in my brochure.

"So, what will you be trading in?" Shark asks as we drive down the street.

"I don't… have a trade in," I say quickly, thinking on my feet. You can't have The Beast! You can't.

"Donna…"

"Joshua…" I say, glaring at him through the rear-view.

Shark laughs. "My wife and I do that too."

"Do what?" Josh and I both exclaim at the same time.

"You know, carry on conversations without using words."

"We're…umm…" Josh begins stumbling over words.

"No need to explain," Shark says before looking over at me. "Is this a family car or will you be the primary driver?"

I raise my eyebrows. "Well, we're not married, so I'll be the primary driver."

Shark looks somewhat taken back, but then laughs it off and looks back at Josh. "What are you waiting for, big guy?" I nearly drive into a tree.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"They don't have silver."

He looks strangely at me and then at the car next to us. "Uhh…" he says, gesturing to said car, "Yes they do."

"Well," I say in a stubborn voice. "I don't like this shade of silver."

He raises his eyebrows. "This shade of silver?"

"Yes. I like a darker silver, like we saw at the Lexus dealership."

He looks down at the ground and then back up at me. "What about another color?" he asks through gritted teeth.

I look through the brochure in my hand. "Nah…"

"Donna…"

"What?" I ask sharply, looking up at him. "I'm the one who has to drive it. I should get a color I like."

"I'd think any color would be a step above the rust bucket over there," he half shouts.

"So, would you like to test drive it?" the salesman asks quietly, which makes both Josh and myself jerk our heads in his direction.

"Yes," Josh says to the man.

"No," I say at the same time.

"Donna…"

I walk closer to him and speak quietly. "Joshua, this is a thirty-five thousand dollar car. What about a Ford or a Pontiac?"

"No Pontiacs. Absolutely not."

"We have the RSX model in stock, if you're worried about the price," eavesdropper shark says.

I look over at him. "This isn't your cheapest model?" He shakes his head. "Josh!"

Josh pulls out his trusty piece of paper and turns so his back is to shark and me. I try to look over his shoulder, but he shrugs me off and takes a few steps from me. What the hell? Finally he turns back. "Can she test drive both?" he asks shark.

"Sure," shark says like he hates that idea.

Josh looks at me and then back at him. "Ok, but lets drive the TL first."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

By the time we finish driving the Lexus and both Acuras, I'm starving, having had only a few scrambled egg whites and some cottage cheese today. I'm beginning to regret lying around in bed all morning. "Maybe we should stop for today. Get some dinner," I say in a chipper voice. "We can look for cars again next week." Or next month, or even next year.

"Nope."

"Nope? That's it? That's all I get?"

"We're on a tight schedule," he says, grunting a bit as he turns the corner and then mumbling once again how he can't believe I would drive this piece of crap car and how lucky I am that he didn't know how bad it was before today. Blah, blah, blah…

"Ok, I wasn't going to mention this, but I'm starving."

"You're fine."

"I'm not fine, Josh. I could waste away at any minute."

"There's a McDonald's, we'll go through the drive-thru."

I open my mouth in shock. "We don't eat in The Beast, Josh." Although, how delicious would a Quarter Pounder with cheese and a large order of fries be? I mean really, are there French fries anywhere in the world better than at McDonalds? With just the perfect amount of salt and Heinz catsup on them fresh out of the fryer. You know, when they're almost too hot to touch, but… My mouth is watering now, thank you very much. I'm trying to diet here! And have you ever noticed that McDonald's always sounds better when you're dieting?

He looks over at me. "We don't?"

I shake my head. "Absolutely not. I don't want it to smell like food in here."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want to cover up the smell of burning oil and over-heating engine."

"You're saying mean things about The Beast again."

"Who me? I'd never say…" he trails off and looks over at me. "Wait a minute."

"What?"

"You've never had any problems eating in my car."

"Well…"

"Oh! Come on!" he shouts as The Beast stalls again.

I chuckle. "What'd I tell you about talking bad about The Beast?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

We pull into the Honda dealership, me still starving, and I perk up, rifling through the brochures. "Yes. A Honda Civic. This is more in my price range."

"No Civic," he says with authority.

"What?"

"Not the Civic. You can look at the Accord, the EX only, or the CRV."

"Oh can I?"

He ignores me and parks. "But the CRV is an SUV, which means it gets bad gas mileage."

I glare at him. "I'd like to look at the Civic too. Why don't you pull out your trusty little paper and look into that," I say, getting out of The Beast and slamming the door behind me. Sorry, Beastie.

A female shark finds me before I even get to the cars and takes me over to the Civics. Josh catches up with us and talks down the car. It's too light, it's too small, it could be crushed by a semi-truck, yadda, yadda, yadda. I test drive it and then an Accord, which Josh talks up as though it's a Lamborghini.

"Doesn't this drive smoothly?" It does, damn it.

"Yes Josh, it's drives nicely."

"Better than the Civic, don't you think?"

Yes, better than the Civic. "They're both good."

"Wow, there sure is a lot of room back here," he says stretching out. "You'd have plenty of room for… things back here. And I bet it has a bigger trunk than the Civic."

"I'm sure it does, it being a bigger car and all."

"And it has more horsepower. You need horsepower, Donna."

"Do you even know what horsepower is?" I ask him suspiciously.

"Of course. It gives you more… power… on hills and stuff."

"And when you're driving around horses?" I ask sarcastically.

"Standard anti-lock brakes, Donna. That'll help in the snow. And what about when you go to Cheeseland to visit your family? It snows up there 12 months a year."

"Twelve months, I guess…"

"And it has a stabilizer bar and traction control. And it holds more fuel and has side head curtain airbags."

"Thank you Josh," I say in a voice he knows well.

"And doesn't this have a better warranty?" he asks shark.

"Double the warranty," she says, smiling back at him. If she flirts, even a little, we're not buying a Honda.

"You can ignore him. He's under the impression that I'm not able to car shop on my own."

She shrugs. "I've had worse. He just wants you to have the best."

Well… fine. Put it that way, why don't you?