Disclaimer: Between us we own some silly string and a mince pie. We do not own Zelda…Or Scooby-Doo, but we do own the idea so no stealing!! We all know plagiarism is a crime.
Author's note: Another crazy chapter from Azure Rose and CoolKD, it's all fun so please don't take anything to seriously… or you'll get wrinkles!
Ready Steady Zelda!
By CoolKd and Azure Rose
ChuChu's and Christmas trees
Loud music plays that sounds suspiciously like Slipknot as Zelda walks out into the studio, she turns and waves her arms at some people backstage, one second later and the cheesy music begins to play.
"Hi! And welcome back to another fun packed episode of Ready Steady Zelda! Today we will have two new teams competing against each other to see who the best cooks of the world are! Unfortunately our previous food tester Crazy Windmill guy will not be with us today since he has some problems breathing, walking and just living in general. So meet our new tester, the one, the only, the old, Rauru!" Zelda announces.
Rauru steps out into the studio chewing on a half eaten chicken. Zelda stares at him oddly.
"Um, Rauru do you realize that the chicken you're eating was one that Ruto ate half of?" Zelda says eying the chicken warily.
That said, Rauru threw the chicken into the audience knocking out a man sitting in the back row.
"Hmm good aim Rauru, that guy was looking a little shifty. Anyway it's good to see our new tester but now we must move onto the contestants. Our first team will be the Bright orange team and its members will be Link and Saria!" Zelda announces waving towards the contestants as they march out onto the stage.
Link and Saria appear from backstage, Link looks quite angry.
"Hey Zelda why can't we be the green team!?" Link yelled walking up to Zelda who rolled her eyes.
"You can call yourselves the fluffy bunny team for all I care but you're still gonna wear these orange aprons got it?!" Zelda replies angrily.
Link mumbled something under his breath and walked off to his counter.
"And for the Bright pink team, Malon and Darunia!"
The pair comes onto the stage and we see Malon throwing free bottles of Lon Lon milk to members of the audience.
"Drink Lon Lon milk, it goes a 'Lon Lon' way!" Malon chirped. Zelda slapped her head while shoving pink aprons on them both.
"Now let's see what the Orange team has brought." Says Zelda as she flounces over to the orange team.
Link lifts up his bag and removes: a hat, an ocarina, a Chu Chu, some fairy dust and a loaf of bread. The Chu Chu which was seemingly dead turned out to be alive and began to sliver towards Malon, Saria screeched in terror and jumped into Link's arms in a very scobby-doo like moment.
The Chu Chu, which was red if you really want to know, dived at Malon and swallowed her whole body in one massive bite but then realized she didn't taste so good and spat her out again, minus her clothes, and Malon flew nakedly across the stage into a Christmas tree that was just randomly there.
After a few minuets de-tangling Malon from the tinsel and bulbuls, Malon regarded her naked state.
"What the bloody-chu am I gonna do now?" Yelled an angry Malon.
"Here my dear you can borrow my tee-shirt." Rauru offered, he handed her a tee-shirt that said 'I'm every woman' on the front in puke pink, because Rauru was so fat the shirt was more like a dress, with that problem solved that show went on.
The Chu Chu which was now trying to eat Links hat was quickly sliced into pieces so that the succulent jelly could be used for pie.
"Now," Zelda said sighing and flicking some jelly out of her hair, "What have you brought along Pink team?"
Malon pulled out her ingredients: The fire medallion, a shoe, some beef, milk and some rocks. The fire medallion gave of an orange glow protesting about being eaten.
Zelda raised her starting gun in the air, "Begin cooking, you have 30 minutes!" she shot the gun, which turned out to be a real gun, a pidgin fell though the sky light and landed in front of Rauru, he quickly scoffed it before anyone could notice.
Zelda wondered over to Link and Saria who were now rolling out some pastry and scattering it with bread crumbs, "What are you going to make guys?" Zelda asked, poking the dead Chu Chu.
"Chu Chu pie, with bread crumbs and a sprinkling of fairy dust to give it a kick!" Link said happily.
"Sounds…sane." Zelda said heading of towards Malon and Darunia, who were cooking the beef over the fire medallion, while stuffing the milk and shoe in a pot.
"What about you pink team, what culinary delights will we be witnessing today?" Zelda asked.
"Cul- what? What in Virginia are you talking about?" Darunia asked stupidly.
"What are you making?!" Zelda asked exasperated.
"Ahh," Malon said finally understanding, "Why we're making an old Lon Lon ranch speciality, shoe beef surprise!"
"What's the surprise, not dying?" Zelda muttered backing away slowly to the centre of the stage, as she did so she didn't see Rauru rolling about on the floor and went flying over him also landing in the Christmas tree the same way Malon had done.
"Argh Rauru what in the name of the Triforce are you doing!?" Zelda yelled as some of the security guards helped her up.
"Well I was doing my daily exercises of course! A young man like myself needs to keep in shape you know!" Rauru said as he jumped up and wiped himself off
Zelda walked back onto the stage and grabbed Rauru by his shirt, "I'll exercise you in a minute if you don't go and sit where you're supposed to!"
After that little outburst Zelda headed back over to the Orange table to see what Link and Saria were doing, she picked up the ocarina, "So Saria why did you bring your ocarina here today, I assume you're not going to try and cook it?"
Saria stopped messing with the oven and came over to Zelda.
"Oh no I'm not going to cook it; I brought it to play music to the food!" She said merrily
With that she began to play really out of tune songs causing Zelda to cover her ears.
"I thought Saria could play the ocarina quite well?" Zelda asked Link who was also covering his ears.
"Oh that wasn't her in the game; it was her stunt double that was put in to make her look like she had some talent."
"Hey at least I didn't need a stunt double to exit my house for me! Link couldn't even climb down his ladder without getting scared." Saria pointed out.
Link went bright red and hid behind his hat while Zelda moved onto the other team.
Just as Zelda was nearing the Pink team there was a loud beeping followed by Malon searching through her pocket and bringing out her camera phone.
"Hmm looks like I have a new picture message, let's see who it's from." She casually said as she opened the message. "What the? AAAAAHHHH!" Malon suddenly fainted; luckily Darunia caught her and took a look at the picture.
"Oh my innocent eyes!" He screamed and also fainted. Zelda grabbed the phone and took a peek then flashed it at the main camera to show the world what it was.
The audience screamed in fright as they saw a picture of Ganondorf in his green thong with nothing else on.
"Either Malon is a very dark horse or that was sent to the wrong number, I think I'll say it was the latter one." Zelda said while pressing delete.
When the pink team was fully revived they all continued on their merry little ways cooking like little house elf's in Hogwarts at Christmas.
Zelda shifted over to Rauru warily, "Well…it's time I asked you some questions, against my better judgment of course… so, why did you decide to come on the show today?"
"Um I dunno I was kidnapped from the temple of light, I was just innocently eating a Ruto sandwich watching the playboy channel, what ever that is," Rauru said quickly, "Then a big net dropped on me! When I woke up, I was here."
Zelda blinked slowly, than slapped Rauru with a fish, "I'll ask again and you're going to answer properly, with nothing in that answer that will scar anyone for life, and if you don't…" She said threateningly.
"Oh right…I like food, I mean I really like food, I mean really really really like food I mean-
He was quickly silenced with a wet fish.
"So Rauru, what kind of diet is the sage of light on?" Zelda asked uninterestedly.
"Sea food." He replied seriously, "I see food and I eat it!"
"Right that's it!!" Zelda shouted and attacked the cubby sage with a stiletto while shouting, "I knew it was a bad idea having you on the show, but did any one listen no!! Why did no-one I listen, I'm the sage of wisdom for crying out loud!!"
By the end of the attack Zelda felt better; while Rauru had several heal marks on his face, and a purple stiletto up his nose.
"So teams how is everyone doing?" Zelda asked, now feeling much more cheerful.
Suddenly Link yelled, "Ahh man I got chicken juice all over my tunic!"
"Where in hyrule did you get chicken juice from?" Saria asked.
"Um, I dunno" Link replied clueless.
Without warning the remaining Chu Chu jelly that didn't make it into the pie, reformed into a hideous Chu monster, it was so terrifying both Zelda and Saria jumped into Links arms while Malon hid behind Darunia, Rauru fell of his stool and rolled away.
"Save me Link!" Saria and Zelda yelled, "It's terrifying!"
"What are you talking about?" Link shouted, "It's only half a foot tall, it's no bigger that my boomerang!!!"
Link suddenly collapsed under the girls' weight, Zelda was the first to disentangle herself, "Right guys," She said swatting the Chu into the audience knocking of a fat blond woman's wig, "You have five minutes to finish up, see you all after the commercials!"
Need sand? Need it fast? Need it now? Then pop down to your nearest store and pick up a bottle of Gerudo Valley Sand! What does it do? Absolutely nothing! But it comes in these amazingly designed glass bottles, great for displaying in your living room! Sand not sold separately.
Do you get sea sick? Can't save the world because the mere thought of water makes you want to puke? Do you even get sea sick in the shower? Well WindWaker tummy settlers can help, just take one every four hours and sea sickness is washed away! Order now and we'll send you this free bottle of Gerudo valley sand, so you can take the desert wherever you go! Order now at 0800-im-a-wimp that's 0800-im-a-wimp!
back to the studio
"Welcome back!" Zelda cooed, all the contestants were gathered around a counter with Rauru in the centre smiling stupidly.
"Now to the testing first," Zelda started, "The pink team, Malon, Darunia, the Beef shoe surprise if you will!"
Malon presented a bowl of a brown substance that could only be described as slop and there was part of a brown clog sticking out at one end.
Rauru scooped a healthy (sniggers) amount onto his spoon before shoving it into his mouth he chewed a few times before his eyes bulged and he spat the heal of the shoe into Darunia's eye, the fire sage fell to the floor and began rolling around in pain.
"Does this mean we lose?" Malon asked.
"We'll see if the orange team can produce a worse reaction." Zelda said, "Now the orange team."
Link pushed forward a pie that was sparkling with fairy dust; it actually looked quite nice, except for the fact that there was a hat poking out.
"Is that my spare hat?" Link cried, "I want that back you better not eat it Rauru!"
Rauru cut himself a huge chunk of pie, a part that didn't contain the hat, and swallowed it up. Then Rauru seemed to drop into a drug induced haze, he blinked once, twice, then turned to look at Zelda, "What a pretty thing you are." He cooed at her, "Come here my pretty!"
"Ahhh!" Zelda screamed running away from Rauru, "What the HELL did you put in that pie!!"
"Link that wasn't the…you know…" Saria said watching Rauru trying to climb the Christmas tree to reach Zelda, who was perched on top.
"Erm it must have been…the lust fairy dust." Link said shaking his head.
"You look like a fairy on top of the tree!" Rauru yelled, "Come to me my pretty!"
"I think this means you win brother." Darunia said as he stood now recovered from his eye injury.
"Cool." Link said nodding his head in satisfaction.
"Yippee!" Saria shouted and then proceed to jump into Links arms.
"I wanna go," Malon added, "That looks like fun!" She said, and then hopped into Links arms.
"Me too!" Darunia giggled.
"Help meeee!" Both Zelda and Link shouted.
"See you all next time, "Zelda said swaying dangerously on the tree, "Hopefully!!"
Suddenly the tree toppled over and crushed everyone.
End
CoolKD: Merry Christmas everybody!
Azure Rose: A bit early…but yeah what she said!
CoolKD: Don't cook too much!
Azure Rose: We'd like to thank SariaandLink4Ever, kat-SageOfWisdom-princessZel…
CoolKD: evanesced-twilight04 and lilhobbitgurl thank you all for your reviews!
Azure Rose: Please don't flame
CoolKD: This fic is all in good fun!
Azure Rose: Hope you all enjoyed!
CoolKD: Bye!!