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Authors Notes: Please! Don't take this too seriously; this story is all in the name of fun! So go! Enjoy yourself!
Ready, Steady, Zelda!
Chapter three: Arms, Legs, and all that's In-between
By: CoolKD and Azure Rose
The studio lights dazzle as Zelda walks boldly into the set. Her skin has an orange tinge to it and when the lights of the set shine onto her, it causes a ricochet of powerful light energy. The crew had been warned of her holiday to Termina so they all had sunglasses to protect their eyes. Though one lone idiot who operated camera four had forgotten his sun specs, he fell to the floor in a flurry of polyester fabric rolling and screaming in agony, 'My eyes! Dear Din my eyes!'
The young princess glared harshly at the withering man, who was now on fire and burning at an alarming rate, she, being an astute and bright young woman pointed to a balding man in the crowd, who were too, all wearing sunglasses, "You there, bald guy, yea you the one snorting that mushroom, you operate camera four."
The guy in question gasped in surprise at being singled out by the stunning youth, and accidentally snorted the mushroom into his windpipe and promptly chocked to death.
Growling in anger, Zelda walked over to the now incredibly burnt camera operator, and began to stamp out the flames. The guy, now looking extremely crispy, stood and gawked at the princess…she looked…incredibly orange, "Fake tan?" He muttered quietly…well he had just been burnt!
"You keep it zipped, Zippo, or I'll… get Ruto to eat…your legs." Zelda hissed whilst grinning at her very scary threat, "Now get back behind your camera, a little fire never hurt anyone!"
The camera man shivered in fear at the thought of having his legs eaten, and promptly put some sunglasses on and hid behind the large recording instrument.
Zelda returned to centre strange just as the cheesy music that we all know and love began to play, smiling brightly Zelda posed for the audience that began to clap wildly, they didn't want their legs to be eaten either.
"Well guys, girls, frogs, and incinerated masses. Welcome to Ready Steady Zelda, with your host, me Zelda!" She began, smiling passionately, "As you can probably tell, I have been on vacation! Yes Termina really does offer those essential three 'G's: Guys, gowns, and a glaring moon!"
There were several 'ooohs' and 'ahs' from the audience as Zelda spun around on the spot, her lavender dress floating about her legs to reveal some acid green boots, "I got this glorious tan from Termina too, and this dress!
But anyway, I know you'd all love to hear more about me and my trip, but alas, we must be getting on!" She cheered as she moved to stand between the work tables, there were several, 'here here's' from the crowd.
"First up," Zelda began, reading from her cue cards, "is today's taster, it says here, that this guy is a man of mystery who loves to peep through windows? Anyway, give it up for Ingo!"
Ingo strolled out from back stage, grinning…creepily at the crowd, who consequently, decided to throw straw at him, Ingo balked and began to wave his fist at the straw throwing mass only to receive a well thrown shovel up his nose, 'Take that you pineapple!' an audience member cheered.
Yanking the shovel from his nose, Ingo moved to sit by Zelda growling and scowling at his fingers, "Well…" Zelda started, "Let's hope you have life insurance, because if the food doesn't get you the audience sure as Din will." She muttered.
"Well, you've met our taster now lets bring in the Bright Orange team that you all know and…well like? Naburoo the sister of sprit, and Koume the crazy witch lady!"
Naburoo strutted onto the stage throwing kisses at the crowed who cheered and hooted madly, Naburoo winked and moved behind the counter as Koume flew onto the stage, she too began to throw kisses…which were just as quickly thrown back among many shoes and wet fish. The witch huffed and joined her team mate, glaring at the sassy spirit Sage.
"Well that was quite successful." Zelda said whilst pulling a wet fish from her hair, "So Naburoo what made you decide to come here today?"
Naburoo pulled out what looked like a picnic basket and shoved it on the counter. "I've been watching this show for awhile and thought if that Ruto freak can do it then so can I! So I grabbed some stuff from my kitchen, kidnapped Koume and here we are."
Zelda blinked then moved onto Koume. "Did she really kidnap you Koume? And where is your sister these days?"
The old witch threw down her broom making sure it hit Naburoo on the foot then smiled at the camera. "Yes that's right, she kidnapped me, I didn't think it was possible to get drunk on desert sand but she proved me wrong. Anyway this show thing looks like fun so we will see who has the last cackle."
Zelda backed slowly away, "And your sister is where?" She asked again trying not to anger anyone.
One of Koume's eyebrows twitched. "Sister? I have a sister? Since when?"
Zelda rolled her eyes and decided this was useless. "Okay it's time to introduce the next team who will be the Bright Pink team, welcome Navi the famous disappearing fairy and Tatl the local motor mouth!"
First to enter the set was Navi who received shouts of "Hey, Look, Listen!" From the crowd. Next came Tatl, as she entered some of the crowd started ringing bells and making tinkling noises. The tiny fairy stopped flying and turned to face the crowd.
"DON'T PATRONIZE ME!" she screamed then carried on flying.
Zelda had a look of terror on her face but managed to compose herself enough to talk to the fairies. "Hello there Navi, where have you been all this time?"
Navi fluttered in front of Zelda's face, "Look! I've been here, there and everywhere! Well actually I haven't but if I told you where I really went the producers would get mad."
"And me! I've been playing with skull kids and giants!" Tatl squeaked
Zelda nodded. "I see, that sounds very nice. Now let's see what today's contestants have brought shall we?"
Zelda flounced over to the orange team who had now emptied out their picnic basket and pockets, Naburoo having such huge pants to begin with was able to fit an array of goodies, "So girls," Zelda began, "Talk us through your ingredients."
"Well..." Naburoo began, before Koume interrupted her, to drive the point home; the crazy witch shoved the spirit Sage into a conveniently open fridge before slamming the door.
"We have this Iron knuckle head, some crackers, some bread that that wench cooked last night, and a raccoon that some guy in the street gave me." Koume explained, the witch looked around suddenly confused, "Where's the last ingredient?" She pondered to herself as she looked up her sleeves.
Suddenly Naburoo burst out from her fridge prison and smiled coyly for the camera, "I have it!" She cried as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a suspicious looking leg.
"Whose leg is that?" Zelda asked eyeing the familiar clothing that the leg still had stuck to it.
"Hotcakes, Man-aches, Kotake's, I forget whose." Koume replied uninterested.
"I see." Zelda replied neutrally, whilst slowly backing away, "Let's see what the other team has for us!"
Navi and Tatl where floating about casting a soothing glow which bounced off their ingredients.
"What do you have for us then?" Zelda asked still eyeing the crazy witch from the other team.
"Hey! We have a button!" Navi cooed,
"A button?" Zelda asked,
"Some string too!" Tatl added,
"Some string?"
"Yup."
"Listen! Yup!"
"Well," Zelda began fiddling with the pink string, "...it'll probably be the best tasting thing ever made on this show."
The fairies hooted at each other before settling down to devise a plan…not that there could be much planning with some string and a button of all things.
"Well teams you have thirty minutes to cook something edible for Ingo-the-dead-man, I mean for Ingo to eat." Zelda explained whilst hitting a button to begin the countdown.
Unfortunately, said button, only made green thongs rain down from the roof onto the audience, who were already prepared as they pulled out umbrellas in many interesting shades.
"So," Zelda started as she made her way back over to the orange team through the mass of thongs, "What will you ladies be cooking for us?"
"A head leg Sand-witch!" Koume yelled whilst smashing the leg onto a chopping board, "Mm this leg sure is tender!"
Naburoo sighed as she began to chop some bread, narrowly missing cutting her finger off as she received a sharp boot in the head from Kotake's leg.
"Whoops!" Koume hissed with glee, "Sorry there Naburoo, your big nose put me off!"
Naburoo growled like a wolfos, "You're one to talk! With that growth hanging off your face!"
"Now ladies!" Zelda interrupted, "Let's leave the cat fighting for at least twenty minutes in!"
The two snarled at each other but continued their work peacefully, well, unless you didn't count the violent kicking of shins under the counter. Zelda made her way over to the pink team, who were…doing nothing.
"Are you going to start?" Zelda asked curiously.
"Hey! We have!" Navi replied bouncing up and down in flight, and knocking a rather sharp knife off the counter which plunged into the audience, puncturing umbrellas and causing green thongs to swamp the people underneath. The screams went unnoticed.
"Well what are you making?" Zelda inquired, looking at the pink string and brown button.
"A cake!" Tatl supplied helpfully.
"A cake?" Zelda asked dumfounded.
"Yup."
"Out of a button?"
"Listen! Trust us we know what we're doing!" Navi countered.
"Eh ok…I'll let you get on with it then." Zelda said walking off to go and talk to Ingo about why he was there.
"So Ingo, why did you decide to bravely come and be our tester today?"
"Well I was peeping through a window one day; the house just had the most adorable curtains! So anyway, I saw your show on the TV and I saw that you get free food, and well, that just sealed the deal for me!"
"Do you not get fed often?" Zelda asked.
At this Ingo burst out crying and fell off his chair banging the ground with his fists.
"They don't even know that I exist! It's all sleep sleep sleep and sing sing sing, nobody loves me, and nobody cares!"
"Does the madness ever end?" Zelda sighed walking away to go and check on the teams. She was just about to head over to the fairies when she saw they were busily doing nothing yet again. "Yep that will really boost our ratings." The princess mumbled moving onto the other team.
Koume was happily emptying the inedible stuff out of the iron knuckle head when Naburoo 'accidentally' whacked her with a rolling pin.
"Oops sorry old hag, I must have mistaken you for my bread."
Koume grumbled some ancient language then picked up the now empty iron knuckle head. "Mistake my sister's foot, how about you mistake this?" She yelled shoving the head over Naburoo's. The spirit Sage screamed as she tried to pull the head off herself but it was no good. Not being able to see anything caused her to spin around and slam into a nearby fridge knocking herself out.
Zelda huffed, "Tell me Koume do you want to actually win this?"
"Erm…" The witch thought carefully, "Well, sure I guess."
"Then you need your team mate, conscious, breathing, and able to cook!" Zelda screeched, "I'll have no more of this fag hag fighting, this is MY SHOW!" That said the princess of Hyrule picked up a handy dandy fork and proceeded to try and poke the witch's eyes out.
Naburoo found herself conscious, and growled realizing she'd been unconscious. She stood, and after a brief fight with the iron knuckle in which she stepped on something slimy which turned out to be the raccoon that some guy had given them, once free the sassy Sage stopped to watch Zelda and the fag hag go at it in a all out brawl.
Having unsuccessfully not been able to poke the witch's eyes out, Zelda settled for just scraping the fork across the woman's face a few times, once done she stood back and promptly threw the dead raccoon at Naburoo's head, the Sage squealed and began hopping up and down unfortunately falling onto the still weeping Ingo. It was quite a scene.
"Now, we'll have no more trouble from the three of you!" Zelda growled, "If there is, I'll ground you up and sell you as a cheep alternative to Lon Lon milk for Redeads!"
"Mmm milk." Ingo cooed dazedly,
"Mmm Redeads." Naburoo chimed,
"Mmm Kotake leg." Koume chirped hugging the decapitated limb.
"Good." Zelda nodded and walked over to the pink team. Her jaw dropped…and she swiftly fainted. When, after a strong cup of Impa's best tea, Zelda was recovered she pointed at the three level high cake that was now sitting on the pink team's table.
"Where? What?" Zelda gaped.
Navi and Tatl giggled and gave a high-five…well if fairies can high-five.
"Hey! We told you to trust us!" Navi called.
"You're telling me you turned a button…and some string…into that?" Zelda choked.
"Listen! We sure did!" Navi giggled
"Well slap my arse and call me Doris, it looks like we already have a winner but of course the show isn't over until it's over so onwards we must go!" Zelda exclaimed.
Naburoo and Koume both looked at each other and knew they were thinking the exact same thing, the cake had to be destroyed.
Zelda took the centre stage, "Now we will take a quick break, join us soon to see the final five minutes and the testing!"
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The cheesy music begins to play again as the stage lights up to reveal the teams preparing their food for the testing. The fairies are leisurely relaxing on their counter while Naburoo and Koume are huddled together in a corner discussing make up tips maybe?
"Now, you must go and create a distraction so I can sneak over and place this on the cake." Koume whispered holding a piece of dynamite in her crinkly hand.
"Um ok, as stupid as half the people here are don't you think they'd notice a stick of dynamite peeking out of the top of the cake?" Naburoo asked.
"Ah, well using some pretty paper I found laying around in the bathroom I'll decorate it like a candle and voila! No one will notice!" Koume cackled quietly.
Zelda returned to the centre of the stage, taking out her brand new Polly Pocket Deluxe whistle she gave it a sharp blow to signify that cooking time was over.
"Ok teams make sure your creations are ready and then gather over here please!"
The fairies flew to where Zelda was standing followed by an anxious Naburoo who had to think up a distraction fast. She looked up at the skylight in the ceiling; suddenly a brilliant idea came to her.
"Oh my gosh! Look up there, it's the three Goddesses themselves come down to bless us all! Oh and is that the Triforce I see with them?" She screamed pointing up at the sky. The whole room dashed outside including Zelda and the fairies, this gave Koume the chance she needed. Using her cat-like instincts, or lack thereof, the witch hobbled quickly across the floor to the massive cake where she shoved the new 'candle' right into the middle.
"Hey! I can't see a Triforce; all I see is a floating carrot!" Navi yelled angrily as Tatl flew towards the offending vegetable. Once grasped, Tatl brought the carrot to the centre of the stage where the group began to observe it.
"Well!" Ingo announced proudly, "By my deductions, I…well I deduce that it is a carrot!"
"We already established that, dork." Tatl grumbled as she threw the carrot at Ingo, the flying projectile somehow curved in its flight path, heading straight up the man's nose. Deciding the having a carrot up his nose seemed quite attractive, Ingo decided to keep it there.
"Well," Zelda began, choking on her giggles at the pathetic food taster and his carrot, "Now that that is sorted let's get on with the tasting –
"You know what?" Ingo interrupted, "This carrot has really opened my eyes. A gift from the Goddesses themselves! I want to turn my life in a new direction, so from now on call me Machow!"
All movement stilled. All eyes turned to the insanely grinning Ingo…Machow? All looked to Zelda for help…Hey! She is the Sage of wisdom after all!
"Okay…I say," Zelda whispered carefully to the listening masses, "We all nod our heads and agree with the psycho, okay?"
The audience, contestants, and viewers alike nodded their heads in succession and continued on as if nothing had happened.
"Okay so, Naburoo and Koume; let's have your…concoction first." Zelda announced as the pair brought forward and oozing sandwich with toes poking out of one end and sand slipping out from the crusts. Machow grinned hugely as he took a huge bite and began to chew thoughtfully.
Zelda waved her hand in front of the man, and his maddened eyes followed the movement, "Well, he seems coherent. He isn't dead so I guess that's a good sign. How does it taste In-Machow?"
"It tastes like a summer breeze with an acute hint of apple, with a dash of the winds themselves!" In-Machow announced happily.
There was a unanimous blink, as everybody stared at the crazed food tester, "In Hylian please?" Zelda asked rolling her eyes.
"It tastes like fish on toast with a hint of old lady." Machow corrected.
"Okay, now onto the cake!" Zelda announced as the cake was brought fourth.
"Ooh! Look!" Machow called, "A candle! Light it! Light it! Light it! Light it!"
"Okay, okay! Jeez." Zelda sighed as she plucked Navi from the air and held her to the candle. A flair lit the room brightly and without warning the cake exploded in a mass of icing, buttons, and string.
With an angry squeak Zelda wiped the icing from her eyes and jumped as she heard a loud bang. Looking to her left she saw Ing-Machow on the floor; it appeared that the explosion had forced the carrot into the man's brains causing him to…well die.
"Okay…" Zelda said slowly, "It looks like…by some strange series of events that Koume and Naburoo are the winners."
"Oh yes!" Naburoo cried happily as she began to dance, unfortunately slipping on some leftover cake and falling to the ground.
"Naturally!" Koume cried as she kicked the fallen Sage.
"Hey!" Navi called angrily, "This was sabotage!"
"Get over it losers!" Koume said as she flicked the fairies through the skylight and into the beyond.
"I'm not dead." Ingo declared as he stood up and began to dust himself off.
"What?" Zelda inquired as she stared at the now living man, "You have a carrot logged in your brain!"
"Yeah, and you have a fire extinguisher in your pants!" Ingo shot back testily.
"You go too far!" Zelda growled as she pulled said extinguisher from her pants and began to beat the man, "That's all for today folks!" She called as she pounded the man's skull, "Join us next time for more, Ready, Steady, Zelda!"
End…For now!
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