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Ready Steady Zelda
Chapter Four: Time machines and blood red eyes Skeletons in the fish pot pie!
By: Azure Rose and Forest Girl Kaz
The studio is silent. Several tumbleweeds bounce around on the contestant work benches. Various skeletons litter the seats of the audience.
The sound of clicking heels bounce of the lilac walls of the Ready Steady Zelda studio, and the lights suddenly spring into action with a whirl of cogs and mechanics once again. A blonde head pokes around the corner of the studio wall that divides the back stage and the main filming area.
Sapphire eyes sparkle in annoyance.
"Okay, you have five seconds to get this studio in perfect condition before heads start falling off!" The irate blonde princess screams heatedly.
The studio is suddenly swamped with Stalfos Knights that suspiciously resemble umpa-lumpas, the group of about twenty Umpa-Knights are chanting as they clean the studio of tumbleweeds and an unforgettable green thong, 'Umpa-Night-y, Tektite oooh, we have a very important job to do, we must always never forget, if Zelda gets mad she'll chop of our heads!'
"You want to shut up with the stupid song!" Zelda screeched, as she chased tumbleweed down the fire escape. The Knights looked at one another before shrugging and continuing their chant anyway as they fixed the studio that had fallen into disrepair.
Brushing the dust from her outfit, Zelda pulled a convenient firework from her boot, and lit it, before throwing it into the audience. As it exploded the members of the crowd (who weren't dead) jumped up in their seats and began cheering wildly, as the cheesy music bellowed out of the studio speakers.
Clearing her throat the Princess of Hyrule waved her hands slightly to signal the audience to quiet. However having just woken from their comatose like state, thus having no idea where they were or why they were cheering for, the audience continued to clap and cheer. Boiling with rage the flaxen haired Princess began to jump on the spot, waving madly, "Shut the Goddess up!" she screamed, before falling flat on her royal backside.
The audience began to scream with laughter, some pointed while others nudged their neighbours with mirth (there was a flurry of bones being thrown about, consequently) as they continued to laugh. The Princess jumped to her feet with rage before brandishing a Big Octo; which again was pulled from her person.
"You better shut it if you don't want to be eating seafood for the rest of your lives!" She cried, waving the Octo around like a sword.
The audience instantly became silent, and a stray tumbleweed with legs danced across the stage, Zelda eyed it wirily, "Welcome to Ready Steady Zelda." She breathed quickly; behind her the Umpa-Knights opened their…mouths… to begin their chanting but were silenced when they were all simultaneously struck with a Big Octo, which began munching on them happily.
"Today we have the last round of the First Rounds. Today's winners will move onto the semi finals. The winners of the semi finals will move onto the final where our winners will be decided." She droned uninterestedly, "Now let's meet the first team, the 'Psychedelic Orange Team!'"
From behind the backstage divider a mousy looking red head stepped forward, blushing at the many eyes staring at her. Quaking under the pressure of possibly becoming a world chef the girl backed away slowly. Suddenly she blanched, rushed forward and jumped behind her work station, frowning, Zelda approached, "Welcome Anju!" she began distractedly, "Why the sudden burst of courage?"
'You like the good I like the bad ones freaky and the mad ones sexy and polite ones '
'I like girls!'
'Taste of any kinda flavor, chocolate, vanilla, caramel is what I favor!'
Zelda frowned as she watched Skullkid skid onto the set, hPod (Short for Hyrule Pod-o-nano technology!) set securely in place in his belt. Grooving and attempting to dance and sing to the tune blasting from the headphones.
"Shut it off!" The Princess screamed, stamping and picking up the closest pointy object which unfortunately happened to be a green thong, "Gah!" She hissed and grabbed the hPod from the dancing kid, "No singing. No dancing. No fun. No nothing!"
"Umpa-Night-y, Tektite oooh."
"Silence!" The girl screamed.
The faint sound of crickets chirping from the fire escape was quickly silenced as a handy dandy firework was thrown down it.
"Thank you." She breathed at last, "The Psychedelic Orange Team, Skullkid and Anju, thanks for coming." The blonde smiled at the camera before shooting a dark glare at the pair and hissing, "Anymore stunts like that and I will castrate you!"
Suddenly the room became dark followed by a flash of multicoloured lights which danced along the lilac walls. The audience held onto their hats and thongs as a large blue box flickered into view. Zelda gasped as a strong breeze blew through the room, looking backstage she saw a few of the cameramen holding electric fans. Storming over to one she snatched the fan and smashed it over his head.
"Turn these things off now before I do the same to all of you!" She demanded tossing the fan out one of the closed windows which was now a hole in the wall.
"Someone didn't get her Barbie deluxe play set for Christmas obviously." One of the men whispered to the others.
Back on set the 'box' stopped spinning and a moment later two figures were thrown out of the door. One was blonde wearing what seemed to be a pirate outfit while the other looked like some kind of bird in a dress. The blonde figure stood up shaking a fist at the 'box'
"Damn you Doctor! No one kidnaps Tetra the greatest Pirate ever to sail the 107 seas!"
Zelda raised a brow walking over to the girl. "Doctor? Doctor who?" She asked.
"Dr Who indeed!" Tetra shouted. Looking around at her surroundings she noticed there wasn't a speck of water in sight. Grabbing Zelda by the collar she started gibbering insanely.
"Water, where, water, sea, waves, boat, WATER! I need water sweet mother water!" Loosening herself from the crazy girl Zelda strolled over to the taps where conveniently an empty bucket was waiting. Calmly filing it up she returned to Tetra.
"Here's some water." She smiled pouring it over the pirate then dumping the bucket on her head. Taking out her script she browsed down it lazily. "Ah yes, we were expecting you; please give a wet welcome to the Pink Team, Tetra and Medli from the future!"
There were 'oooos' and 'aaaaas' from the crowd.
Shoving pink plastic bags on them (the budget won't cover aprons anymore) Zelda pushed them behind their counter.
"Now let's see what the Orange team has brought to entice and surprise us with this time!"
Anju nervously brought out a small bag, looking shiftily around the studio she carefully emptied it out onto the counter. Zelda waited patiently as the woman took each thing out ever so slowly. Ten minutes later Zelda had had enough, stealing the bag she threw the contents all over the floor. Out fell a mushroom, some spoons, a piece of toilet paper, some rooms keys and a shiny knife with the words 'Kill Mother' written on the handle.
"Oh dear, how did that get in there?" Anju innocently asked inwardly cursing her stupidity for bringing such an object.
"Hey hot stuff why don't you save one of those room keys for you and I later tonight?" Skullkid winked at Anju who screamed in terror. Zelda slapped herself over the forehead before proceeding to slap the adolescent kid.
Rubbing his sore face(?) Skullkid began taking bits and pieces from his clothing to reveal; a dead keese, a gibdo sock, the moon's nose and Majora's Mask.
"Now let's see what culinary delights the Pink team has brought for us today." Zelda said cheerfully as Skullkid fell on the floor suddenly, "S-so," She faltered, trying to contain her urges to dive over the table and throttle the adolescent troublemaker, "what do you have for us, Medli and erm Tetra?"
The girls looked at each other before hoisting a fishing net onto the table, out of it slopped a wet Boko Baba, the head of the Helmaroc King, a flannel, a lettuce, a sail, and a Tingle Tuner.
A seagull suddenly flapped from the net cawing and fluttering around the room. The bird swooped toward Zelda who stumbled backward and tripped over Skullkid who was trying to peer up her skirt. Both the bird and the woman shrieked at the boy, who quickly jumped up and collided with Tetra who began to punch the Skullkid in the nose.
"Stop!" Anju screamed, her blue eyes flashing red. The girl huffed and pumped herself up ready to attack, but she was deflated and a dollop of bird poop slopped onto her shoulder. The girl blushed and began to dab it off.
Skullkid, looking abashed returned to his table, Tetra looked pleased and gave a high-five to her partner. Zelda stood also, and dusted herself off, "Absolutely no more messing about, or I will turn your face into a mask by removing it from your body, you with me!" Zelda hissed at the now sulking Skullkid.
"Yes, Ma'am." He replied.
Just as the princess was going to continue, strange ball music drifted into the room followed by a row of dancing monkeys. One of the monkeys looked oddly like Princess Ruto. A few weird seconds later a dancing couple twirled into the room knocking over the Ruto shaped Monkey who scurried out of the room screaming about life insurance. The music came to a halt but the couple carried on dancing totally oblivious to the world around them.
"Let us welcome this episode's food tasters; Honey and Darling!" Zelda expected them to stop and say something but that wasn't going to happen. Taking out a long pole she gently poked them into position. "Okay now that everyone is here, let the cooking commence!" Blowing on a trumpet to signify the start of the competition she growled when a purple banana flew out of the end landing right in between Honey and Darling who proceeded to dance on it.
"Alright baby let's get this side of the room all steamed up!" Skullkid grinned over at the Orange table; Anju stroked her knife lovingly, eyes flashing a dangerous red once more before she smiled cheerily.
"What shall we make?" She pondered surveying their ingredients. "Hmm yes, I know! How about a Keese soup with everything chucked in?"
"If that's what you want Sweet lips then that is what you shall have." Skullkid grinned again leaning over to her for a kiss, moving quickly to the side Anju sniggered as he tumbled to the floor.
At the pink counter the girls were still wondering where the heck they were but decided to just get on with it.
"So ladies, what will you be cooking up for us?" Zelda asked simply whilst eyeing the Skullkid on the floor.
"Well…" Medli began only to be interrupted by a cry of horror from Skullkid.
"What's your problem?" Zelda asked menacingly.
"W-what is that on her head!" Skullkid cried, pointing at Medli in horror.
Medli began to wail and buried her face into Tetra's shoulder, "Tet-chan he's picking on me because of my nose beak!" the girl wailed, "Why Tet-chan?"
Tetra eyed the Skullkid, a look of pure anger dancing in her cobalt eyes, "You better start praying jerk!" she spat as she pounced on the boy and began throttling him with a fishing net, while shouting, "You apologize you no-face hole-head jerk! You're one to talk about being ugly!"
"No!" Skullkid cried fending of the blows with a spoon, "It's not her nose, though it does score quite high on the weird snoot meter!" He wailed as he dodged a starfish, "There's something on the back of her head!"
Zelda, who was enjoying the fight, peered curiously at the back of the sobbing girl's head, "Oh holy-macaroni-Goddess-diggy-bobet! A possum!"
Medli jumped up at the sudden exclamation from the princess only to realise, that yes, there was a dirty great big possum clinging on to the back of her head, it only had sunglasses on, but that was beside the point, "Ahh!" The Sage screamed, "Tet-chan a possum! Help!"
Tetra jumped off the still spoon-waving Skullkid and in a matrix style action jumped into the air before landing an expert roundhouse kick on the possum, "Take that!" She cried triumphantly, before realising that she was still stuck in the air, "Eek! Get me down!"
Zelda growled and pulled the pirate from the air before plopping her behind her desk, "Can we get on now, please?" She said warningly.
"Um, before that…" Anju began hesitantly as she held up the possum, "What's a possum…?"
Silence…crickets chirped and the tumbleweed with legs dashed onto the set before diving down the fire escape to eat the offending crickets.
"Who cares!" Zelda shrieked as she plucked the possum from the girl's hand before chucking it backstage, where it collided with a monkey Ruto that was trying to pick the pocket of an Umpa-Knight, "Get on with it!"
"Okay, okay!" Tetra sighed, "We're going to make a Roast Helmaroc von Boko Baba, with a lettuce and flannel sauce. We'll roast it in the sail to lock in that sea-fresh flavour"
"Sounds disturbing…" Zelda said, seemingly more calm, "well get cracking!"
A loud crack echoed around the studio.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." Zelda mumbled.
As soon as the timer began The Orange team set to work creating their dish. Skullkid picked up Majora's Mask to place neatly on the stove. While he did that, Anju started cutting up the Moon's nose with her knife smiling sweetly with each chop. Since Skullkid was too busy drooling over Anju he didn't notice the stove was overheating.
"Yes, yes, yesss." Voices hissed from inside the mask. "Power!" It screamed. The stove unexpectedly exploded sending the mask flying towards the Pink team, Tetra ducked under the counter but it was too late for Medli. The mask attached itself to her face; thunder clapped in the background, the ground shook fiercely, spoons rolled along the floor. The whole room held its breath waiting to see what would happen next. Medli jumped onto the counter kicking a plate from it before she….
Started Irish dancing!
Tetra gaped at her Rito friend before jumping up and joining her. The two linked arms dancing into the centre of the stage. Skullkid leapt over his counter to join the girls; soon a row of contestants and cameramen were jigging it out across the room. Zelda narrowed her eyes at the show wrecking mask, attempting to dance herself, she made her way over to Medli. Slipping her elegant hands around the sides of the mask she tugged like she'd never tugged at anything before. A moment later the princess and the mask shot across the room landing in a trashcan by the exit. Wiping an old chicken off her head Zelda took a bite out of the cursed mask.
"Mm, not bad but it needs a little sauce."
After the contestants had finished their dancing they finally got down to some actual cooking. Zelda was on guard, prepared and ready for when the show went elf-up, but for twenty minutes all was well.
Zelda, blinking hard in shock headed over to Honey and Darling who were seated quite comfortably at their tasting table, "So, Honey, Darling. What erm encouraged you to come on today's show?"
"You…are…more beautiful…than shepherd's pie!"
"And you…erm…rock my world baby!"
Zelda huffed, "Hello! What made you come on today's show?"
"You…are sensationally super…like soup!"
"And you…are so handsome…that a cow…would want to…milk you?"
"You people scare me." Zelda said, slowly inching away from the pair and their whispering sentiments.
Zelda headed over to the Orange table to have a peek at the how their soup was coming along. She wasn't surprised to see them boiling their soup over a fire after their oven had exploded, "How are you guys getting along?"
"Suuu-per" Skullkid whispered huskily, "But you know I only have eyes for you, baby cakes."
"I was referring to the food you nit." Zelda reprimanded, "how's the food preparing going!"
"Oh." Skullkid replied masking his upset, "Oh, the food, well it's, edible."
"I wouldn't say that." Anju whispered hefting a lump of seaweed from the pot with her ladle, "See this seaweed?"
"Yeah." Zelda replied eyeing the green glop.
"It's not seaweed." Anju said seriously.
"So what is it?"
"Well I'll call my psychic guide and get back to you on that."
Back at the Pink table Tetra was attempting to fry the sail. Slipping it into a pan she carefully placed it on the stove turning the switches to full power. Assuming the nearest bottle next to her was seasoning she added it to the sail for extra flavour. What the girl didn't know was that one of the monkeys had switched the seasoning with some special monkey mix glue, tipping the whole thing onto the sail she grinned and started singing.
"Oh a pirate's life is the life for me, two for lunch, five for tea, up and over the great blue sea!"
"Tetra don't let that sail fry too long." Medli warned as she began stuffing the helmaroc head with pieces of flannel.
"Okay I'll take it out now." Tetra replied putting her hand into the boiling pan; it was obvious she'd never done much cooking before. "Aaahh my sword hand!" She screamed. "What the? I can't let go!" Tetra wailed flailing her hand which was now glued in the pan around in the air. Swinging swiftly around she whacked Medli in the face sending the poor Rito girl crashing into the side of a cupboard. Unfortunately the messy animals had also gotten glue all over that certain cupboard door so Medli was now stuck to it.
Tetra shoved her hand and pan under the cold tap, turning it on she groaned when chocolate poured out of the end.
"Can whoever the heck is in charge get their butt over here?" She yelled watching her hand become a chocolate mold.
Zelda shuffled over skidding on the darned purple banana as she did so. Peeling purple sludge from her shiny green boots she stared in fascination at the scene.
"Right, Tetra you stick your hand and whatever else is on the end of your arm in the freezer for a moment. Medli I'll get someone to wedge you and the door away from the rest of the counter." Zelda took out her phone to call the TV show help line. After much talking and waiting on the line she got what she wanted. A large yellow chu chu entered the studio carrying a chainsaw. Bouncing dangerously over to the disaster zone it slashed at various things before managing to hit the cupboard dead on.
Zelda winced watching some expensive cameras being hacked to bits. That help line wouldn't be getting her custom again. Ever. At least now Medli was free…apart from the door glued to her back but when did something like that stop people from cooking on live TV?
"Anyway, it's time for the commercial break. Join us soon for the results!"
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Cheesy music blared out of the speakers as Zelda positioned herself in the centre of the stage.
"Welcome back loyal viewers, faithful fans and scary Tingles! The cooking time is now over so let's see what our teams have concocted shall we?" Zelda folded her arms wondering why Honey and Darling weren't coming over for the tasting. Reaching for her trusty pole she pushed the dancing idiots over to the tasting spot where Skullkid and Anju were ready with their dish.
"You are…more beautiful than…a washing machine on full cycle." Zelda took the chance to slip a spoon in their mouths as they babbled on about each other.
"You are…more tasty than...this dish."
Suddenly the whole room began to shake, a large round eye peeped in through the window.
"Where is my nose?" A booming voice roared. Leaving the stage Zelda headed over to see what the fuss was about. Peering outside she saw a massive moon sitting on the ground with its nose chopped off.
"Excuse me?" She asked trying to hide her laughter.
Looking into the studio the moon screamed when it saw Anju. The Inn keeper glared it the giant circular thing, her eyes flashing blood red.
"No, not her again! Never mind!" But it was too late, Anju dropped the dish onto the floor before diving out after the moon. Swinging her knife in the air she cackled hysterically.
"I'll take one of those eyes this time!" The others heard her yelling as she chased the rolling moon down a hill.
"Okay…moving quickly on." Zelda went back inside to finish the show. "Let's see if the Pink team will produce a better result."
Lifting up a glue covered helmaroc head the girls shoved it into Honey and Darling's mouths. The pair continued to dance as they chewed; drops of glue stuck itself to their lips disabling anymore sappy comments.
"Mmm mm mmmm mmmm!" They tried to speak through their sticky lips. Zelda took the 'mmms' to mean they liked the food.
"It looks like we have our winners folks! Give a big cheer for Tetra and Medli!
Honey and Darling carried on chewing when suddenly there was a crunching noise. One of them had bitten down on the buttons of the Tingle Tuner.
"Hosting this show is such a blast." Zelda said sarcastically.
"Did someone say blast?" The crazy freak known as Tingle shouted from his balloon. Taking out a handful of bombs he tossed them around the room giggling with glee.
Hiding in the middle of Honey and Darling Zelda pulled one of the cameras right up to her face. "Join us next time on Ready Steady Zelda for the Semi finals where episode 1 winners Impa and Ganondorf will face off against episode 3 winners Nabooru and Koume. See you then….if I survive this!"
End of chapter four
Azure Rose: Thanks for the wonderful and encouraging reviews. Rest assured this story will be completed and it's going to be one smee of a ride getting there!
Forest Girl Kaz: I have a shiny new name…but I'm still the Cool in Cool Azure!
Azure Rose: And I'm still the Azure!
Forest Girl Kaz: …For now! Mwhahahahahahahahahah ((cough))
Azure Rose: ((Pats Forest Girl Kaz on the back))