Hello guys. Remember me? The one who started a story and then kept on falling off the face of the earth? Yep, that's her. And I honestly think I should stop apologizing for it since I keep on doing it anyway. But well… Here I am, and after new year's I always try and update all of my stories so… Here we go.

Well, there's a new photo of the story- it's my photo, I shot it. Don't steal. Autumn is an important season of this story, done and the end. Like it? Or not? Let me know.

I was very aware of the fact that when I was in Newcastle there had been times where I wanted nothing else than to go back to Sunshine and my mum. But as the days turned into weeks I couldn't stop thinking about Ashdene Ridge, Trenton, Mike and Faith- everyone. And I missed them a hundred times more than I had ever missed my mum.

Call me a terrible person for that if you want. But I missed being taken care of for once in my life. Without having taking care of someone twenty four hours a day. And the constant worry about what mum would do the next day or while I was at school or whatever.

And while I did- my life simply went on automat. I woke up, took some pills so I wouldn't puke my guts up, went to school, did my homework, went to bed… on and on and on and on and on and on and on and…

It felt as if the time was dragging on forever, as it was going as slowly as when you were waiting for something you were really looking forward to. Except I didn't actually know what I had to look forward to. I was frightened of the day that Boo would be born, I was frightened of every single day of the rest of my life.

Some days I barely knew up from down. Those days when every single piece of my body hurt- my back, my hips, my head, my feet and my legs. Some days I just wanted this all to be over and some days I wished it had never happened at all. Then other days I was ridden and broken by guilt of wishing Boo away. Because I still knew I loved Boo more than anything I had ever loved before.

And so the days turned darker and darker, the nights all black and the fall was turning into winter. We all needed to dress warmer and warmer and I had to get myself more and more maternity clothes or else I would have to go flipping naked! And as the time went by and my belly grew bigger and bigger along with Boo. I knew it wasn't long before everyone would be able to see my current state- not that it mattered anyway, it was already all over school.

And soon November was turning into December and Christmas was starting to show everywhere. There were blinking lights all over the main street of town. The people at Sunshine helped the staff to put up with resulted in the fact that you could barely move the whole way through the hallway without stumbling on glitter or chords going to lights.

"Kenny." Mum woke me up on Christmas Eve morning. "Kenny wake up. It's your birthday." I moaned and pressed my face hard into the pillow. "Come on Kenny." Her voice was starting to sound annoyed. "I know you can hear me. And we put hot chocolate and cake and presents up in the living room."

"I know mum…" I had to force myself not to say that what they would do every year. "You can go out to the others. I'll be there in a minute." I heard mum sigh. "I said go."

"You're not nice. You should be. I bought a present for you and one for the baby… for my own money." I suppressed a sigh and sat up on my bed. "Why are you not coming?"

"Mum." I had to force myself not to sound annoyed. "Go to the others, I'll be there in a minute. I need to go to the toilet and you can't come with me there anyway." It didn't matter mum was annoyed- she burst into a giggling fit at the mention of toilet. "Go to the others. I'll be there in a minute, I promise."

Mum sighed, but finally left and I heard the door slam behind her. I fell to the side until my face hit the pillow again. For a minute I just wished that if I screamed the pillow would suppress all of the sound. Because that was actually what I wanted to do- scream and shout and scream and shout and scream and shout until I had no voice left.

I moaned since I knew if I screamed everybody would come running and I didn't want that. Then (and using all of my self—discipline) I sat up and ran to the bathroom. The nausea was pretty much gone by nowadays, but replaced with having to pee all the freaking time. And it was probably a miracle I didn't wet myself before I reached the toilet.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNY."

When I walked slowly through the hallway towards the living room I hated this more than ever. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to take care of everyone and even though I hated my birthday I especially didn't want to do it then. And I didn't want to be told what to do all the freaking time.

"Kenny, Kenny, Kenny." Mum was so excited she got onto her feet jumping and pulled me with her as she didn't think I was walking fast enough. "Here's my presents. Open the one for the baby first. It will be the baby's first present and…" I sat down with a deep sigh on the floor and tried to get a picture of exactly how much tape was pulled how many laps around the small, soft package. "Will you sit up late as you always do?" I didn't look up at mum while trying to get the tape off. "Will you?" I didn't dare to say anything. The tape was sticky and rolled around and around and around and around… And why would they even let mum close to wrapping a present when it took forever to get them open.

"Oh." I got off all the paper at last to find a white baby blanket with pink hearts all over. I ran my thumb over the soft material and smiled. "So do you think the baby will be a girl then?" Mum shrugged when they all me suddenly flinch and put my hand on my belly.

"Kenny are you okay?" Scotty's voice sounded worried while I rubbed my belly and smiled down on it. "What happened? Is it…"

"Chill out." I interrupted his worried rambling. "Whether it's a boy or a girl… I think it just made its very first kicking. Oh didn't you Boo? You needed to give me a birthday present so you thought we'd feel it more if you kicked me in the stomach?" I smiled again, but felt the usual gust of worry when the thought hit me that as soon as he or she was born I'd have to give him or her up forever.

"Kenny, Kenny, Kenny…" Mum reached me another present, a bigger one this time but still as soft. "That blanket was for the baby but this blanket… oh… I know I wasn't supposed to say it's a blanket but you don't know what it looks like and open it, open it, open it now."

I suppressed a sigh for my mum's behavior. It might have been that she was nagging and such- but when she was in a good I was supposed to be too… right?

"Oh." I put on a big smile when I opened it and found a larger blanket like mum had told me. "It looks like the marauder's map from Harry Potter. You know I love Harry Potter thanks mum!" I hugged the blanket close to my chest and tried to force a lump down my throat. "Sorry guys." I wiped a couple of tears. "I'm not sad, I'm just grateful and with all of these hormones… well, you've already noticed I cry all the time."

"You don't cry all the time." Mum spoke. "You didn't cry a minute ago." I sighed and counted slowly down from ten not to snap at her and put all my concentration on unwrapping. "I'm going to try and keep awake with you this year. This year is special with the baby and I'm really going to try and stay awake to be with you." Not snapping at her was getting harder with the annoying tone she had in her voice.

"Bump's first Christmas." I read from the first shirt I unwrapped to change the subject (she wasn't going to make it anyway- she tried every year but never succeeded). "Baby it's cold outside" said the other shirt. "Thanks guys. Mum, this is great. I'll have something Christmas-y to wear tomorrow." I smiled. "Are there anymore presents for me today or will I have to wait until in the morning?"

"You know we always save most of the presents until Christmas day Ken." Mum laughed- she knew I knew. "But there is one more from all of us. But- that one's actually for the baby too and we didn't have time to wrap it." She handed me a plastic box. "It's loads and loads of pacifiers for when the baby is born. You know babies love pacifiers right?"

"Yeah I know." My voice sounded strange. "I've got to go outside for a minute." I raised as quickly as I could. "No. I need to go on my own. I need a moment to breathe."

Despite being pregnant and my large Belly I might never have gotten dressed in real, warm clothes as fast as I did then. It was cold outside, frosty but with no snow. And with the warm coat I was wearing and the hood pulled up I laid down under my tree- that had lost its leaves for the winter.

I had been lying here at least a million times just the last couple of months. A billion through my whole life. And today- like a thousand times before and despite the cold I could just as well have fallen asleep without some common sense and a bit of self-discipline.

Oh- and some knowledge of the fact that I needed to get back, and there was a cake waiting for me there.

I had actually never liked to be the center of attention, something that I usually wouldn't have had to worry about when I lived at Sunshine and someone was always craving the attention I was getting. So the part with getting pregnant at fourteen (well, fifteen as of today) might not have been my smartest move- for that out of a million other reasons then. And the reasons weren't exactly made fewer when I sat on my bed in my room watching mum finger with the pink and white blanket she had bought for Boo.

"So do you think the baby is a girl?"

"I don't know." Mum smiled and laid her head a bit on the side and stroke the plush blanket while I stood up and walked across the floor. "To me it doesn't really matter. But I believe the baby is a girl. I feel pretty sure it is anyway."

"Well you still don't know." I took the blanket from her hands and put it in a big plastic box I had under my bed for things for Boo. "And I could probably find out whenever I go to the doctor's next time… Unless I chicken out again."

That last thing was barely even whispered under my breath. I had been at the doctor's a few weeks ago. But chickened out and answered no when the doctor had asked if I wanted to know if Boo was a girl or a boy.

I hadn't said that out loud. But I had thought that whenever I was to find out- I just wanted the right people, and the people that I actually loved to be there. And although I loved my mum- her questions about everything she saw in that hospital room just didn't… make it right. And while memories of Trenton, Johnny and Mike filled my head just another time. I wanted them to be there. Or one of them at least. And with that I'd shaken my head and done the opposite of what I had planned to do.

"I'm going to try and stay awake with you tonight…" Mum pulled up her legs in the bed. "I'm…" She had to take a break for yawning. "I'm just going to close my eyes for a second."…

Sunshine was pitch silent by midnight- despite the fact that my mum had promised she would try and keep awake this time she had fallen asleep. And I as usual I sat up in the window seal in my and mum's room. It was getting quite hard to sit quite as crouched as I had to.

I looked up towards the skies, for once it wasn't cloudy and raining, but a clear night sky- well, I guess Christmas was the time for miracles- ha!

And speaking of miracles

"Dear star." I closed my eyes and whispered when I suddenly saw- close and huge, a star falling. "If it's true you can make wishes come true… Then I only want one single thing… I just wanna go home."

Random fact

So… did I have a reason on sending Ken back to Sunshine with her mum for two and a half months while she just wants to go back? And will she actually? Well, the thing is at the beginning of this story it just felt as the story wasn't moving on and like several chapters were set during just a day or two and stuff like that. So with the chapters at Sunshine- and I think you'll see some more of that in flash backs of the rest of the story. But it made the last two and a half- almost- three months being set off during few chapters and I finally got on something and this story won't go on forever. Get it? Awesome!

Until next time!