AN: I realized that I could barely remember what happened in the first episodes of the series. Why should the people who experienced those episodes remember them, especially after a year and a half have passed? Shep/McKay friendship. Rodney matures, dragging John with him.
Takes place after Grace Under Pressure, but only spoilers for that ep and S1.
Memories
Rodney was leaning against the railing on his balcony, staring into the middle distance. Carson had kept him for a week after his rescue from the submerged puddle-jumper. For the three days since he'd been freed from the infirmary, Rodney had crept around Atlantis, his personality so subdued that even his underlings started trying to encourage him to yell at them just to make things normal. Elizabeth had finally asked John to confront the scientist about the drastic change in his personality.
John pulled a chair from the room outside and sat in it, propping his long legs up on the railing. Neither spoke. Rodney knew he was there, and John knew that he knew. There was no need to ask things like, "How'd you get in?" because the automatic response would be: "Ancient gene, duh!"
The bottom of the sun had just barely reached the ocean's surface on its way down. The sea air was tangy and just a little sticky. It made John uncomfortable.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"You just did." John smirked but it failed to get any reaction. His friend's somber response was starting to worry him. "Sure."
"Do you remember anything about last year? No, wait, I mean… anything that happened to us when we were on missions."
John hadn't expected anything so... introspective… from Rodney and blurted out the first thing that came to his mind: "Where did that come from?"
Rodney was focusing too hard on the colors of the sunset.
"Rodney…"
"Just answer the question, John." There was so much tiredness in Rodney's voice.
John said slowly, respectfully: "Help me understand the question, first, so I can give you an honest answer."
There was silence while Rodney tried to find the best way to explain without sounding too stupid. The wind ruffled through their hair. Just when John started to think that Rodney needed more prompting, the other man began to speak.
"It's silly, so don't tell anyone," sighed Rodney – it worried John that he didn't glare and demand a promise out of him before continuing – "but I started keeping a journal after we got here. I know we send reports to Weir, but I wanted my own record. Today, after I added the whole submersible jumper disaster, I went back and read my first entry. It was from right after the city raised itself."
John nodded, grinning. He remembered that – mostly because it was just too cool to go from being underwater to being above it. He realized that Rodney was looking sideways at him, seeing if John was laughing at him or not. "That was a good day," he said.
That made Rodney smile, just a little. "That was a lucky day," he retorted with just a hint of his usual sarcasm. His smile faded. "The next entry involved a giant energy-sucking blob and us testing my personal shield by you shooting me. And the next was from when we got the puddle-jumper stuck halfway into the Stargate and you had an alien attached to your neck. And then we couldn't figure out why the wraith kept showing up and attacking us, and Bates suspected Teyla and her people of telling them where we were going to be."
John frowned as Rodney's words brought up his own memories of those times. "What was the question, again?"
Rodney's words made more sense to him this time. "Do you remember those times?"
"Only vaguely," John admitted. Rodney's shoulders slumped as he breathed out a sigh. "Why?"
"When I was reading, I could pull up those feelings and they were still clear. There were so many painful things that happened, but, I'd forgotten about them. If I hadn't kept the journal, I wouldn't have ever remembered."
Ah, Rodney felt guilty for not remembering all those life-changing events. "Time heals all," John said quietly. The sun was halfway into the ocean – the half reflection that completed the bloody red glow glittered.
"I remember the big stuff," John said. "Arriving here, Kolya and the Genii, the storm, and the wraith attacking Atlantis. The daily stuff, the missions, they fade." Liar, his head told him, you remember every person you've ever killed. Yes, he replied to himself, but those were big events. "It's not wrong to forget the little stuff, Rodney."
"When I was reading, I realized how much I've changed." The words were mumbled.
John smiled. "For the better, too!" Although… he couldn't remember Rodney not being the way he was now. Right now, they were friends, and he knew that once-upon-a-time, they could barely stand each-other.
"When I was down there… I realized how far I still have to go." If the other words were mumbled, these were whispered.
The sun was a mere sliver above the ocean. Oranges and reds still colored the sky, but the pinks were fast darkening to encroaching blues and blacks.
How far did he, John, have to go? How far had he come? How much had he forgotten? "Keeping a journal is not silly, Rodney. It's smart." Maybe he'd start a journal of his own. Maybe he'd include this conversation as the first entry.
"Hello, genius!" The retort was weak, but Rodney seemed to be perking up.
And John would try not to make any jokes about diaries. They might haunt him if he started his own journal. The thought made him smile.
Rodney saw the smile in the rapidly dimming light. "What?" he asked.
Well, maybe this joke was too good to keep to himself. "I was thinking about diaries."
"What!" Rodney strangled on the word and turned to glare at John.
"I was thinking about…"
"Don't you dare! Don't you ever call them that again!" screeched Rodney.
Now John grinned for real, stood, and clapped a hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Now that sounds like the old Rodney," he said.
"I swear, John Sheppard, if you ever use that word around me again!"
"What? Diaries?"
"Yes, you moron!"
Bickering contentedly, all fears allayed, the two men watched the stars come out.
Review just to let me know if my storytelling devices worked. Please?