I'm sorry for all of these long author's notes. I don't think they will be as long after this one. First, I just wanted to say there isn't much left of this story. Actually, most of my stories are about to end. Except for this one there's
-The search for a family
-What I did for hate
-A light in the dark
-Game on
-Buried deep within
-We're coming home
-When I returned
-I won't go away
-I still love you
So that's a total of ten stories that are finished. I don't know exactly how much is left of each. But none of the stories have got much left of them.
I have another story started that will be put up Monday the eighth (International epilepsy awareness day). But it'll only have a few chapters and I already have quite a bit written on it.
Trigger warning for this chapter for mentions of sex and rape.
"I'm guessing…" Matt still didn't seem to really understand what I had said and seemed confused and shaky.. "…I'll need a cot, baby clothes, nappies… I don't have anything as of now. I just didn't dare in case… well. I guess you could understand… Anyway, if you'd like to come with me and do some shopping… Choose what you like and stop me from buying something that's too ugly… you get it."
"I get it… I don't know. Eight months pregnant and I don't really get out much… My feet hurts after three minutes of getting up."
"Well then, I'll bring my laptop and then we'll do some online shopping."
I couldn't help but just feel that Matt was actually letting me be in charge over anything that happened.
"Yeah…" I said, a bit forcedly. "…I think I'd like that. And… Well. And nothing really."
"Kenny… If you want to go through with this, I will be… Elijah Christopher's dad. But you will always be his mum. You will always be the one who gave him life and nothing can, or will ever change that."
It meant more to me than anything I could have ever put into words. And to finally hear his name made everything so much real all of a sudden. And I just felt so faint…
I had seriously lost count of all the times during these last eight months I had fainted. But somehow this time I managed my eyes open and forced my conscience still.
"I feel a bit.. overwhelmed." I said at last, thinking that it was more for my son's sake than my own. "I think that's enough for today."
"And I think so too. I don't know about you but I need to let this just… sink in." As if he knew he needed to do it without questions he patted my shoulder and went towards the door before he stopped and turned. Thank you Kenny… I'll ask Mike to come in here."
I didn't even know how he understood he needed to because I heard him say something and then Mike came into the room while I wondered whether I could tell him what I thought about or if I should wait for May- Li or someone else.
But if I didn't say it now I was afraid I never would. And I needed to get it out of my brain or I'd crack…
"I never said yes."
It came out only barely more than a whisper. And if Mike hadn't been frowning before it wasn't anything like he had right then.
I could see it in his eyes that he understood what I was talking about…
"He… he forced me. I let him, I let myself and it was lovely. Lovely like nothing I have ever felt before… it wasn't rape. I never specifically say no and I'll never know what would have happened if I did. He might have stopped… but I never said no… but I never said yes."
It felt strange that I had finally told someone. Now I wondered whether this was a good idea or if I should have waited for May- Li. But now it was told and open I couldn't take it back.
"Kenny…" Mike laid a hand at my cheek and looked me sternly into the eyes. "…that's rape… anything else, but yes- is rape."
"It can't be that simple." All of me was shaking from head to toe while I tried to remember. "…I…. I tried to go away… I told him his parents would be home soon, I reminded him it would be illegal… I said it wasn't the right time… But I never said yes.
"See? Those should have been no's You shouldn't have had to. And you definitely shouldn't have to feel bad for it now."
.After all of these months that had passed, knowing what Jace had done to me was wrong. Knowing he had taken something that couldn't be given back. Months that I hadn't dared to mention a word to tell anyone about what had happened…
Mike stroke my cheek with his thumb again and wanted to catch my attention. I froze in starting to say something. And for a while Mike said some things I just couldn't take in until he said that last.
"I'm proud of you."
That was it! To hear him say that after how ashamed I had been, all of my hesitation, all tears that had already been shed and all sleepless nights came back in four and a half words and I completely broke down.
"Sch, sch, sch." Mike took me in his arms and comforted while I sobbed my heart out. "It's okay… It's going to be okay…" I just kept on sobbing, even if I'd tried to I wouldn't have been able to. "It'll be okay."
Mike had that strange way of making me believe him.
But second after second passed by, seconds turned into minutes. I didn't look at the clock but I must have cried for at least a couple of hours without stop.
At last I had to stop from pure exhaustion, but I still didn't move- I felt too weak to do anything but only whisper a few last words under my breath.
"I wouldn't have it undone if I could."
Random fact
This is the shortest chapter so far, yet one of the most important.
The title of the chapter is Dad number one, two, three. This is meaning Matt, Mike and Jace.
Am I going to get hate for writing about rape? Probably.