Thanks to x snow-pony x for reviewing.

I'm sorry for making you wait this close to the end of the story. Either way. It's only this chapter and then one more left. Except for this I still have eight stories going on. Six of which are almost finished, including this one.

For every moment since I had laid Elijah in his dad's arms I had just felt so unbelievably empty…

…"You'll take care of him, right?" I had half asked, half told Matt as I lifted up the little red-haired boy into a pair of waiting arms. "You will… You and Trenton…"

"Of course…" Matt sounded equally shaky, but his eyes were shining of joy. "…We'll take care of each other. And you can come and visit any time you like… Kenny…" He looked me in the eyes but I turned away. "…You will always be his mum. And he's always going to know that. And we'll always let him know about the gift you gave us all. I couldn't even imagine what you're feeling right now…"

"I don't know if I can do that… But now I think you should go… please go."

And that was it… with every second that had passed by it felt like miles and miles were forming in between me and what had only hours ago been growing inside of me.

And now just like that he wasn't there anymore.

The day after Elijah was born I returned to the dumping ground. Considering I was so young and had done the birth and everything without as much as any pain killers they had wanted to keep me at the hospital for just a little bit. Just to make sure nothing turned up that shouldn't….

By now it was Friday. All the kids were at school and it was a relief to return to an empty house. But still, I couldn't help but know that once they came home in a few hours I probably wouldn't be left alone for days.

The first thing I saw when I came inside was a basket someone had made me and put together. With my three favorite types of candies, a bag of Malteser's, a KitKat bar and a pack of very cherry candy kittens, with a DVD-box with a season of ER, a golden teddy bear and a card with a poem on it that I took and read.

I have a friend
She's the best friend on earth
How much I love her
I cannot tell in words

If you cannot figure who it is
Then I will tell you too
And you my dearest friend
the friend I'm talking about is you

"Minnie, Sofia and Belle wanted to make something for when you returned from the hospital." All of a sudden I heard Mike's voice behind me and I span around. "Of course there's only so much they and we could do. But I didn't want to stop them from trying." I showed him the poem. "That's sweet." I nodded agreeing, but had to sit down on my bed and Mike sat down next to me. "I couldn't even imagine how much pain you were in the other night Ken. And I don't actually want to lecture you. But I have to tell you now that you can never do that again. You can never be in so much pain without telling anyone about it. I don't know what would have happened if…"

I didn't really feel like getting a lecture right now. But didn't interrupt. Something like this must be what I deserved.

"…You could have put yourself in real danger… and Elijah… so please Kenny. Even if we might not get there again- make sure you're never in so much pain and then try to keep it to yourself. Okay? Promise me that?"

Mike had said that he couldn't even imagine how much pain I was in. And the thing was not even I remembered how much all of it hurt. With all of the hormones in my body I had heard about…

"I promise…" I forced a laugh, short and dry. "…And I'm not planning on giving birth any time soon again anyway…"

Mike gave me a stern look. I lost my breath, what I had said had suddenly reminded me of the fact that I had given away my one and only child- a piece of myself. And even though a part of me wanted to I knew I could never take him back.

Before I knew it I was shaking with wild sobs- a lot more than I had during the birth or in the hospital, all of me was trembling and I was sobbing so hard it almost made me gag. Mike laid his arm around my shoulders and held me close to him.

How long was I crying for I did not know. An hour? A week? A year?

"Mike?"

When I could finally squeeze out my voice at last my voice was shivering.

"Yes pumpkin?"

"You've had a lot of kids so maybe you should know…" Mike didn't interrupt when I had to take a break and took a deep breath. "…Do you think I could make a good mum someday?"

"I think…" Mike kept his arm around me, but he hesitated some. "no… I don't think…" My stomach clenched- what if that was what I had been afraid of all along. "I know that you already are a better mum than you can see yourself right now… I know that you're already the best… And do you know how I know?"

"No."

Mike pulled up his phone from his pocket, scrolled through something I couldn't see and then held it up to show a picture- a selfie Matt must have taken with himself and Trenton who was holding onto Elijah.

"I don't know if you can see it right now for yourself Kenny. I know it hurts more than you could tell, but I think that you have looked through the pain to make sure to have made a good decision for little Elijah's sake. And now that's what a good parent does."

I couldn't help but imagine my own mother. She must have been in this situation quite alike mine.

People knew she wouldn't be able to care for a child on her own. They had told her to have an abortion after she was raped, when she refused they had told her to give me up for adoption. Then I was born and she just couldn't.

There were so many things that I would think about my mum. And that my mum would think about me, about that my mum would think or not about having a child which she just wouldn't understand…

Like I must have understood her better than ever right now, looking down on Elijah like she looked at me…

And knowing that if I accepted that feeling, even if I couldn't do it right now. I wasn't my mum. And with his dad and big brother I knew he would get everything in life. Even with myself there by his side…

It wouldn't matter what I had told Matt that I might not be able to. I might not be able to right now, maybe not tomorrow and maybe not next week. But I wanted to get to know Elijah and he was always going to be mine. Just like Matt said. I was always going to be exactly as much his mother as mum had been mine, despite us two having made so completely different decisions.

I had been sitting leaned against Mike, but sat up now and did my best to wipe the tears from my cheek with one hand while I stretched.

"I just never knew I could love anyone this much… And I just never knew a decision I made that felt so right could hurt so bad."

Random fact

That poem is called "The friend" and I know it's not very good. The rhyming isn't perfect or anything. I actually wrote it, and since the original is in Swedish and rhyming perfectly it wasn't the easiest to just translate like that. Anyway, I hope you liked it anyway. I could just see in front of me how Minnie, Sofia and Belle made something like that.

The same goes as always when I use my own poems in stories. If you want to use it, please ask me first. If yes, please give me credit. If no, please respect that.

That's it people. There's only one chapter left. It might not be too far away.