4

After leaving Angel's office, Buffy returned to the hotel she, Dawn and Willow were staying at and fed them an excuse about having a headache. She handed Dawn a twenty to go see a movie with Willow and although both gave her an odd look, she didn't share her encounter with them; she needed some time to think. An hour later, Buffy was staring at the blank television screen nailed to the table in front of her bed. There was a knock at her door, and she called out without thinking;

"Come in" The door slid open, slowed by the carpeted floor. Spike stood in the doorway, the light from a nearby lamp reflecting of his brilliant white hair, creating the illusion of a halo. Buffy shook her head.

"Spike"

"Hello, luv, can I come in?"

"I invited you in, Spike, unthinkingly but I invited you in, you don't need my permission" Spike lowered his head and looked at her in that special way he had.

"I don't need it, I want it" Buffy sighed,

"You can come in, Spike" The blonde vampire entered the room and sat next to Buffy on the bed, not too close though, he didn't want to invoke her anger again. There was no anger in her dejected pose, her shoulders slumped and her eye shone bright with unshed tears, this was one Slayer who didn't want a fight. She lifted her eyes to his and burnt into them, searching his soul for the answer she so desperately wanted.

"Spike . . . . why didn't you tell me?" He could never hide anything from her and this time was no different.

"I wanted you to have a normal life and you couldn't have that with me always in the background."

"Spike, I'm the Slayer, I'll never have a normal life."

"But you're not the only Slayer anymore which should give you some measure of normality and I didn't want to steal that from you. I wanted you to be able to do everything people your age do, go to school, go on picnics, go to the beach, go on. ." Spike's voice broke, but he kept going, forcing himself. "Dates, with normal, non-demon guys"

"Spike, you know me, I could never date a normal guy. Plus you know what they say; 'Once you go vamp, you never go back'" Spike looked up at the Slayer, his Slayer; there was a sad smile on her face. She could feel his despair and misery and despite her own depression, she tried to make him feel better. His answering smile was fleeting. There really was only one reason behind his silence on the subject of his rebirth; he loved her. It was the reason behind most of his actions concerning Buffy.

"You know what I mean, luv" he said softly. His words held a trace of something else, words held back, Buffy's delicate Slayer senses picked up on it and her anger flared briefly back to the surface.

"Was there another reason?" she asked. Oh well, Spike thought, as long as I'm baring my soul I might as well do it completely.

"I couldn't . . . . I didn't want you to take it back" He hung his head in shame, unable to look into her wide, innocent eyes, hating how pathetic he sounded.

"Take what back?"

"In the cave, before I . . . before everything was destroyed, you told me that you loved me"

"I remember" And did she ever, it was the one thing that comforted her on those long, sleepless nights; that he had gone to his death knowing how she felt, even if he hadn't accepted her declaration of love.

"I didn't want you to find out about my re-incarnation if that's what you want to call it and get so angry, you would tell me that I meant nothing to you, that you were just using me." Buffy was appalled.

"Spike, I wouldn't do that"

"You did it before." With a shock, Buffy realized what he meant. Back when she had been sleeping with him, she had taken advantage of his feelings to make her feel better about herself, had used him and had told him as much. She leaned over and kissed Spike gently on the cheek and he looked up at her. His eyes wide and innocent, like the little boy he used to be.

"I love you" she told him, sincerity ringing in every syllable, he couldn't dispute it this time.

"I know" he said, smiling. Exhaling loudly, Spike stood up to leave, breaking the spell.

"I . . . we. . . . ." Buffy interrupted him.

"Spike, can you stay here tonight?" His face broke out into unmistakable joy, before he could cover it with a mask of indifference.

"I'll have to check my schedule, I might have previous plans" Buffy grinned, grabbed the front of his black leather duster and pulled him back down next to her.

"Break them"

To be continued . . .