Title: If You Don't
Author: Megg
Feedback: is always greatly appreciated.
Pairing: Mark/Maureen
Rating: PG/PG-13...Roger has a mouth...
Genre: General
Summary: "Even if your heart would listen, I doubt I could explain"
Notes: Entry for speedrent...didn't win anything and is, honestly, not what I would call my best work. Split into 3 chapters (4 counting lyrics) for easier reading.
Special Thanks: Everyone!
Spoilers: Um...if you've never seen RENT, I wouldn't read this...
Warnings: Swearing, lovies. And I totally messed with the timeline of April's sucide and when Mark and Maureen called it quits, so if you're canonpurist, don't read!
Disclaimer: Alright, hate to admit it, but I don't own RENT, or Jimmy Eat World, from who I stole the song lyrics for dialogue and title...the song is "If You Don't, Don't" and you'd best download it now, it's amazing.
1996 - Valentine's Day
Mark was sitting in the Life Cafe, chewing on his nails and slightly nervous. So much had changed in the past four years. Mimi had finally lost her strength in August of 1993, and Roger followed soon after. Benny had disappeared in 1994, after Alison divorced him. He'd gotten a commitment ceremony invitation from Joanne in 1995, before he'd moved to Chicago. The invitation was embossed with a name that was definitely not Maureen's and penned in Joanne's curly writing at the bottom was, "I got sick of the Tango: Maureen. Had to jump ship. Sorry." He hadn't attended. Maureen called every once in awhile, but she never quite told him where she was. "Mysterious," she called it. "Hiding," he said.
He'd moved to LA in April of '95, after Today 4 You had really hit it big. His second documentary was based on the up and coming music scene that Chicago was. He figured Roger would approve. He'd lived in relative obscurity, concentrating on his work and living up to his "film-making potential" (his words), AKA, "hiding" (Roger's.) And then one night, two weeks ago, his phone had rung.
"Hello?
"Stopped screening, finally?" Maureen's voice floated through loud and clear.
"Hah, hard to do here. Answering machine broke in the move. How are you, I haven't heard from you in a good three months!"
"I'm...I'm back in Alphabet City." She sounded nervous.
"Really? What brings you back there?"
"Oh, memories...Hey, Mark?
"Yeah?"
"Would you be willing to come visit?"
And that was how he'd ended up here, in the Life Cafe in Alphabet City, sipping water and waiting for "The Drama Queen of Avenue A (formerly B)" to make her appearance. She waltzed in the door, late as usual, and smiled brightly at him. "Oh, I'm so glad you came!" she squealed, hugging him tightly. "We've got so much to catch up on!"
They sat and talked for hours, not nearly as rowdy as they had been in their early 20s. They caught up on what was new with the other and then reminisced til the owner kicked them out, well after midnight. She apologized for not being there when Mimi and Roger had died; he apologized for never trying to reach her on his own after what had happened with Joanne. They eventually made their way to the old loft and stood on the street, looking up at it.
"Can you believe we once lived there? Together?" she asked softly.
"Yeah. Yeah, I can," he answered. "Hard some days, but I can still remember."
"Mark?"
"Yeah, Mo?"
"I miss you."
He looked at her. "I miss you, too, Mo. Do you ever wonder what would have happened if..."
"If I had never cheated on you with Jo? Every day, pookie. Every day."
He cringed at the use of the word "Pookie", but couldn't keep his mouth shut. "Have you ever wanted to...try it again?"
She paused for a minute. Then she said, "More than once."
"Mo..."
He was looking at her with that look in his eyes. "Oh god," she thought. "He's going to ask me..."
"Could you mean this, please, if it happens?"
"I..."
"You what?"
"I took everything you let me have...and I never loved you back."
"That was years ago, Maureen. Someday, maybe...maybe someday we'll be smarter. Maybe someday is today."
"I...yes, I could mean it...wait...no, no I couldn't, I...I...Oh God..."
"Could you get your story straight?"
He looked so nervous and yet so angry, standing there in the moonlight. He just wanted an answer. Just one little word...yes or no...
If you don't know, honey, won't you just say so?
The words ran through her mind out of nowhere, and Maureen swore she heard the mingled voices of Collins, Angel, Mimi, Roger, and April. Mark was so close to her...so close, so real, so there. So within her reach and yet so far out of it. Could she keep a hold on this, this safety, this warmth, this...love he was offering? She didn't know.
If you don't know, honey, won't you just say so?
There were those words again.
"Mo?" Mark looked so puzzled, so worried. And so she said the only thing that she could think to say.
"I don't know." And then she kissed him.
Thoughts? (Lyrics follow this chapter)