Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto but I do own this story.
Author's note: The following passage is a reedited entry from a past xanga entry I had made a while back. As I read my entry it became clear to me the pain and desperation I had shrouded myself with...looking for "inspiration" for a new story, my mind and my heart decided to integrate the following installation as a part of the story thatI (hopefully) conjure. Besides, it provides for a better release from tension and depression as opposed to jumping off a bridge when no one's looking. So, bits and pieces of my life are to going to be added into this story (carefully blended in by changing names and scenarios and such) but...hopefully...and I sincerely hope...
that none of you mind.
with much thanks and appreciation,
---Ayu---
Chapter one: It started with my words...
Dear Friend,
Nowadays I notice that people only focus on problems that mostly concern the region that hit closest to our hearts... it consumes us and drives us into insanity...
Love.
My former self would have thought that such a thing was a matter best discussed by all humans…one that is of great importance for humanity's sake…
But now… I find myself disgusted by such trivial pursuits…
But…
Sometimes I wish that my life...my problems...my own insanity were only caused by such trivial pursuits... sadly...my tribulations expand a wider range of misery that for a long time has been kept buried and undetected by human senses...
Buried underneath my deceiving smiles…my fake laughter…and fabricated happiness…
Deep down I hide the scars from the world…deep down I hide them underneath the joy and exuberance I willingly portray in front of my audience….
But deep down, when the moonlit sky is the only thing that greets me to my wake…when the rest of the world slumbers in tranquility… I open the chests and caverns of my miserable reality…
And count each scar that taints my body…my mind…my soul…
I count each as a solemn prayer…a lullaby of persistent memories that sing me to an undisturbed existence…
With each count I again feel the pain…
The humaneness…
The reality…
The longing
The guilt…
The regret…
The unworthiness…
And thus I establish my place in their lives—Sasuke, my father and the rest.
To them I am nothing. To my self I am nothing.
Weak…annoying…insignificant…
I had another argument with the man I call my Father.
A fight...a bickering...a discombobulated exchange of emotions...although he was doing most of the exchanging...
despite my best interest I muttered accursed words beneath my breath and he accused me of it... and he was right...
He has always been right...
Just like the rest of them…he had always been right about me.
Judged me accordingly… The way a father should.
Sakura Haruno
18
Useless…
Incompetent…
Annoying…
Weak…
So I cursed under my breath…barely audible enough for him to hear…
I know it was foolish of me... but it's become a habit of mine...
Ever since the day he had called me annoying…
Ever since the day he had said his farewell…and had expressed his "gratitude"
Sasuke, the boy that I had loved so long ago….
Ever since his departure from my home…my grasp…my heart…I have built up hope within me…hope that soon he would come back…hope that was confirmed the day he strode back into Konoha's gates…
But since that day, the blooming love I held for him dissipated with his increased refusal… he had denied me once more…scoffing at my love…shrugging at my care…scowling at my weakness…disgusted by my heart…
And to this…
I finally realized…
Through his eyes…
Through my father's gaze…
That I will always be
Unworthy…
And so I no longer cared what happened to me… the love I once had within me disappeared into the vastness of my tormented inferiority.
My father was right…just as he always was.
After all… Sasuke was an Uchiha…the genius… the avenger…
Even if he had strayed away from Konoha's law…he was still…Uchiha, Sasuke…
What right had I to claim myself worthy enough for him?
When even in my father's eyes…
Even in my eyes…
I am nothing…
And so…my father's rant ensued…
And all I could do…was remain numb…cold and uncaring…
And I wondered…
When had I transformed into this hollow piece of flesh known as 'Sakura?'
I despise my name…
The thought of being called something so gentle…so innocent…so goddamn weak makes my blood boil to no ends…
So I stared at him with cold uncaring eyes…
Eyes that he has always been so quick to unleash on me…
So he hit me... the same way he had countless of nights before…ever since the day I decided to be a Shinobi…ever since the day my mother had left me to forever be enslaved by my father…
Every word that flowed out of his mouth...though cruel were words of truth...all of them
He's right. About… me
Even if I had spent the past 6 years denying it...he's still right.
And so I have become an uncaring, cold hearted, ungrateful, wasted piece of human flesh
So he hit me... again and again…each strike never wavered in intensity…even as I felt him pant for air…sweat trickling down his frame…he kept on hitting…each strike each blow. Each time…one memory until the next…and yet I never screamed…I never could…
All I could do was hide behind my smiles…each time…
I had already lost my hope for Sasuke's love…hope that has guaranteed my survival from another tormenting night from my father's abuse…
Now, now that he has finally rejected me…my soul…labeled as "unworthy"
All I have left…are my smiles…god how I hate my smile…
Every night I'd receive a proper "flogging" from my father, but I know that I deserved it…I am an insignificant speck in the cosmos after all. Ever since childhood I've received these intense corporal punishments that it has become somewhat of a daily routine in exchange for a few mischievous childish nonsense...In essence...I wasn't allowed to be that much of a child at a young age...I was born an adult.
I grew up to my parents fighting
I grew up with scars on my back from being hit by Tou-san
I grew up listening toOka-saan cry at night
I grew up watching intently at my mother as she popped another pill in her mouth and locked herself in her room not to emerge for a week or two...wondering if she were still alive.
I grew up having a father who lived in another dimension
I grew up with a father who sacrificed his own child to escape his problems
I grew up watching my father drink himself into oblivion
I grew up waiting hours upon hours in the depth of night waiting for him stammering home drunk...and high
I grew up and watched my mother turn her back on me as my father only continued to ignore…
At least… outside where the rest of the world existed… I was known…
As Sakura Haruno
18
Cheerful
Intelligent
Skillful medic
Konoha's cherry blossom…
But little did they know…
That all my life… I grew up…alone… unwanted… inferior…
I never quite understood why...
Why my mother had left…
Why my Father had treated my this way…
Why Sasuke could never accept the love I gave him…
Why I was always so weak…
Why I always allowed myself to cry…
Why I would watch as the blood trickled from my wounds…watch them all spill freely upon my flesh each night…
Why I believed that no one really cared…
And why… I would always hide all these from the world.
… But because of it I became uncaring... I would go to bed at night wondering why I was the way I was... and voices would repeat chants within me..."incompetent fool...defect...defect...insignificant...unwanted... invisible...nobody" these words repeated so often that they became my nightly lullaby... It wasn't only in my head that I heard these words...No, becausethey had said it…Sasuke had said it…my father had said it…and before my departure…my Mother had said it as well…
So I tried my best to compensate for what I lacked and indulged my knowledge into academics…but still...every time I received a high award for a noble deed or for surpassing intellect I was scorn only to be defiantly judged by saying "she only got those grades cause her dad's friends with Sensei..." Or better yet..."She has no talent. That's why her mother left…she saw through the disguise…" All my accomplishments only made me feel more of a defect...tossed and teased at school for being different…born with an "abnormal" forehead…and still I held it all in with a smile… shrugged it all aside until I became the topic of yesterday's news… soon everyone forgot the shy pink forehead girl… and as they forgot…life became "normal" once more… I mingled with people…chatted with acquaintances…and soon found myself within range of normal life with normal friends…even when abuse still greeted me within the confines of my home…I still had this fake identity to turn back to…
But all that is gone now…
Gone with my confidence…my love…
Gone with my father's acceptance…
Gone with his heart…
All thrown away into the pitfalls of nothing…
I am Sakura Haruno
Unsuccessful former student of the famous Hatake, Kakashi
Current dispassionate apprentice of the Godaime
Konoha medic Nin…
Out shadowed by the vibrant Kyuubi, Naruto
Ostracized for her love by the genius Uchiha Sasuke
Abused for being a burden to her Father…
Abandoned as a nuisance by her Mother…
And so this is I…
I could never compete…not with any of them…
I hid my talents...even from myself.
It wasn't that I had no friends...I just thought it was a waste of time dumping all this shit on them when I knew that they had problems of their own...I hate being a burden. But I still end up being one no less. So I mostly lived life alone...
And so the onslaught of judgments, criticisms I've received kept pouring as the years progressed...from my past with childhood names to being abandoned by mymother tobeing slapped and knocked into the wall by my father...to being labeled weak by the man I loved...
But out of the mass of confusion and hatred deep down I still held a sense of longing for a family...a homely warm love that I have always been waiting for in patience...warmth that I've only known for a few drops in time before it dissipated into thin air...
One that I have known as Team Seven…
So when I came to be a part of this unit, I saw it as my opportunity to start anew from a clean slate. So I did. And for the first time I smiled. I laughed. I formed bonds with people that I won't normally talk to... I pushed back my cold uncaring past and overlapped it with laughter and smiles...but who knew that I did such a horrible job in burying my past? I had been wrong about my smiles all along
So I guess...I'm still waiting… even when we are now all together once again…
And things seem to be normal from the surface…
But the reality is that I will always be set apart…
Because I choose to…because each night as I close my door…I would always be reminded of who I am…
My father is right nonetheless... right about who I was...and still am. I may have thought I escaped my demons when I had joined team seven…but I didn't. I'm still the same numb me...the only difference is that...I've been so good at being a hypocrite that I even convinced myself that I've changed...
And so he'd continue to pummel me into reality…reminding me of my tainted morality…
I should've gotten used to this by now...
But still...yet again
He was right...I am nothing more than a responsibility... the only reason why team seven and…why Sasuke had put up with me all these yearswas because…we were a team…and they had to… I am only a responsibility
An obligation...
A burden.
And so the beating ended and he soon fell into slumber
Ipicked up the nearest kunai... walked into my room shut the door lay on my bed...and contemplated. I placed the knife above me and prepared to strike...I shut my eyes... heaved a sigh...
All I want is to make myself smile…one last time…
I only get in the way…
Besides...the only way to rid a problem is to exterminate the source.
So I plunged the knife...
x
x
x
x
x
x
And missed…
Instead of piercing my heart...it gashed the flesh of my shoulder.
How pathetic...
I can't even kill myself properly...
How incompetent.
And from there I just let myself cry... even as I felt the blood trickle down the hem of my shirt...I didn't care...this pain is nothing...nothing...
I wanted to stop crying...
I blocked my tears...buried my face...nothing worked...mentally I cursed myself for being such a freak...a fool ...to stop crying... it didn't work... I slapped myself hard in the face... punched and bruised my arm...anything...to stop the tears...
I rummaged through my thoughts thinking of someone…anyone… that I could talk to…
But I couldn't get myself to…
It was too late in the night…
And I hate being a burden to anyone…
I no longer shall be weak…
So I started writing this...
I guess you could call it my "escape"
Words are the only thing I have left that is real
I just wish…they were enough…
Enough to just take me away forever…
sincerely,
Sakura...
btw.. sakura is just writing out her feelings...just to release the burden...so she's not actually writing to someone...
yea...if this thing turns out ok with reviews and emails and stuff ill continue it if not...then..i guess it's a one shot deal
sincerely,
ayu---