Disclaimer: Only Emma, Pancake, and Cole are mine, Nathaniel is blueeyedluv's, everything else, we have not rights to

The World According to Emma

From the secret blog of Emma Allison House

Age 2

Today was it. And it was GROSS! I told Daddy to get rid of it, but he just laughed and said I would learn to like it and maybe even love it. But I don't think so. It is really yucky looking and it just lays there. Daddy says I looked that way too, but I don't see how. I couldn't have been that ugly.

They're calling it Nathaniel Gregory. Doesn't that sound stupid? I think they should call it Zit or Moo or something interesting like that. What I really don't like about it, is how Mommy keeps looking at it. She's smiling and crying at the same time and it is really, really freaky. Daddy keeps getting this look on his face and hitting people. I don't see why he gets to hit people and I don't. Mommy was mad at me when I socked that smelly kid in day-care, but Daddy thought it was cool. He said not to let Mommy know he told me that. There are a lot of things Daddy says I'm not to tell Mommy. Things like the present he bought her. He promised to get me a present too, but only if I'm nice to Zit. I'm going to try, but I don't know if I can do it or not, especially since Daddy insists we are taking it home with us.

Did I tell you what happened? It was annoying and ruined all the fun I was having with Daddy. It was Otto-ber 31st, my first Halloween. Mommy said if I was a good girl, then Daddy was going to take me to the neighbors' houses and get candy. But, we had to dress up so people wouldn't recognize us. I put on Mommy's white coat she wears at the Hospital and got a stick to walk like Daddy does. Then I got one of those mask things they wear when they are playing with the "sick people" (whatever they are) and that thing Uncle Jimmy puts in his ears to listen people's insides thump. I tried it all on in Mommy and Daddy's office and Uncles Chase and Foreman said it was really scary. I didn't like that, but they said you are supposed to be scary on Hal-a-ween and another House as a doctor would frighten anyone.

Anyway, since Mommy was about to burst at any moment (that's what Daddy kept telling people and when he said it, he had this goofy look on his face) Daddy and I went for candy. Daddy was really excited, and Mommy told me to make certain Daddy played nice and only took one piece of candy. Mommy also told me to make certain Daddy said thank you, but he didn't. He was getting lots and lots of candy. He would reach out and grab a handful from the people then put it in my bag and say things like 'What? We have her on an all sugar diet' or 'forget to get some for our house, so we'll use yours.' He said if anyone started to yell at us, to scream loudly and say they were going to take my candy away. Mommy said we weren't supposed to eat anything till after she checked over it, but Daddy ate a bunch. That is one of those things Daddy says not to tell Mommy about.

My bag was half way full and we had only been to six houses when Daddy's pocket began ringing. It was Mommy. She told Daddy it was time. I didn't know what it was time for, but it must have meant it was time to come home because Daddy got all grumpy. He started whining in the telephone. 'Cross your legs and hold it in, we just got started and Emma needs more candy.' Mommy yelled at him. I could hear it all the way out of the phone.

When Daddy hung up and put the phone in his pocket, he took two of his pills and looked at me. He said, 'We've got about five, ten minutes. Let's see how much we can get before she calls back.' It was fun. Boyfriend's Mommy and Daddy had left a big bowl of candy with a note on their porch because they had to be away. Daddy put all of it in my bag, then Mommy called again and we had to go home.

Did I tell you who Boyfriend is? He lives three doors away and everyone calls him Cole. I call him Boyfriend and make him play with me. He cries a lot. He also has a dog. I like it, but it's really loud. When we moved into our new house, Boyfriend's mommy came and asked if I could play with Cole. He's almost three, but I like older people. After the second play day, the one Daddy took me to but was grumpy about, Boyfriend's mommy said there were some people who should never be allowed to re-pro-moose and Daddy was one of them. Cole's mommy is like Miss Adele at the day-care. She is nice, but she says Daddy has problems and that I act just like him. Does that mean I have problems? I have a moose. Uncle Jimmy brought it to me when he went to a meeting someplace.

So me and Daddy went home and Mommy kept saying 'it was time.' They put me in the car and then we went to the hospital. Miss Adele was there in the day-care and said "it was fitting for a House to be born on Halloween." Later when Daddy came and got me, he said I was a big sister and took me to see Zit. Mommy was asleep, but Daddy held me up to see him. Like I said, it was gross. I told Daddy to leave it and get a puppy like Boyfriends and he said Mommy would get mad if we did that. I guess I'm stuck with it. Oopps, I've got to go. Daddy is coming to get me so I can see Mommy and that thing before we leave and Daddy might get mad at Uncles Chase for letting me play with this thing.

Much Later.

It's me again. And Daddy says we are definitely keeping it. I can't talk him out of it.

The good thing was I got to stay with Daddy for two days while Mommy was in the hospital with Zit. Then Daddy brought Mommy and Zit home. I really wanted a puppy; it at least would have been quieter. Zit screams all night and wants to sleep when it is play time. It woke me up and I told Mommy I didn't like it. It smells too. I put powder on it when Mommy wasn't looking and she got mad at me. Powder makes things smell good and like I said it smells bad, so I climbed into Zit's bed and put all the powder on it.

Mommy says I am not allowed in Zits crib again. Even Daddy was mad when he found out I had been poking it when I was supposed to be a sleep.

They would tuck me in, and then they would go to their room and start making those strange sounds they make a lot (I'm not allowed in their room when they are making those sounds) I would climb out of my crib. If I stand on my toes, I can reach Zit, so I would go to its room and poke it to see if it was awake. It always cries and Mommy or Daddy would get up and talk to it and tell it to go to sleep. That thing makes more noise than Cole's dog, Pete. How am I supposed to pour tea with that happening?

The other night I went to see if it wanted to play tea with me and it started screaming. Mommy caught me before I made it back to my room this time. (She and Daddy hadn't been making those strange sounds that night so I guess that's why she caught me). Mommy was mad and wanted to know how often I had been poking Zit. I told her and then she got really mad. It was bad. Daddy got mad and made me cry. He said I was never to poke Zit again. Ever.

I think Daddy is still made at me over his pills. I found his bottle in his pants pocket. He was in the shower, and Mommy was with Zit (she's breast feeding him, yuck) and I was looking in Daddy's pockets. I found his bottle and took it to the potty. (They are trying to make me use the potty, but I don't think I am going to. It's too scary). Daddy hadn't put the lid on his bottle good and I got it off. I put all his pills in the potty and then I put the little M&M's Uncle Chase gave me in Daddy's bottle.

Mommy came into my room and found me eating my M&M's out of Daddy's bottle. She screamed louder than Zit can. You could tell she was scared about something. She grabbed the bottle and kept asking me how many I had taken. I told her a lot. Daddy came as quickly as he could cause he was putting his clothes on (Daddy's leg hurts him and he doesn't walk so good so you really can't say he ran, but it was sorta running for him). I started crying and Mommy was crying while she called the hospital. Daddy had this weird look on his face and kept asking me if I swallowed any of his pills and how many. Zit started screaming in his room, then Daddy saw I had put M&M's in his bottle. He then got real quiet and asked me to show him where his pills where. I showed him the potty, but then the ambulance came and they took me to the hospital. That was way to gross for me to even tell you about.

Since then, Mommy and Daddy makes certain I cannot reach Daddy's pills no matter what. I learned my lesson though. I won't touch them again, and I told Zit not to touch them either. You would not believe what they did to me at the hospital and I don't like seeing Mommy cry like that. She yelled at Daddy and he yelled at Mommy and for almost two weeks Daddy had to sleep in the room Uncle Jimmy uses when Aunt Julie won't let him stay at his house. Daddy was really mad at me too. He was more mad than he was when I put Pancake (that's my kitten Uncle Foreman gave me) into Zit's crib. You would just not believe what they get mad about, like Mommy says I have to start calling him Nathaniel. But, I like Zit better.

I need to go now. Daddy is back and he doesn't like it when I play on his computer. He is still mad that I tried to feed it my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (I still think it looked hungry.) So, maybe I can talk to you again. Anyway. Bye Bye. Emma.

Don't worry. We just thought this up in class when we (Dove, Gazell, and myself) were bored. I will still finish Gyre and Gimple in the Wabe.

So...what do you think. Do you want Emma to chat with you some more? Please Read and Review!