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Episode Three- The Fate of Remus Lupin

Previously on General Hogwarts...

Sirius: Lily!

James: Sirius...

Lily: Remus!

The next day after having been given the details of how they would murder Remus, Sirius walked up to James. James rubbed his hands together maniacally.

"Are you ready for this, Sirius?" He grinned evilly.

"James, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this." James took him by the front of his shirt.

"Padfoot! Our former supposed 'friend' is somewhere in the castle sucking face with our love interest!"

"No! Not that!" He straitened out his shirt. "I mean this whole being a woman thing. I had such killer cramps last night and...well...this morning..."

"Focus, Sirius!" This was too disturbing for James to cope with, so he chose to ignore it. He could deal with Sirius's "joys of womanhood" later. "Now he has Charms class, so he should be coming this way soon." Sirius looked over off-stage because he forgot his lines.

"Remus enters SL," he reads in monotone.

"That's not your line, idiot! That's my cue!" Remus calls from offstage.

"Oh, oops." (Sitcom invisible audience laugh) "Hey! Wrong genre!" As Remus entered, dramatic suspense music played.

"Hey guys! What's up? You know, Padfoot, Lily just told me the creepiest thing about you. Hey, what are you guys doing!" Remus slowly backed away as James and Sirius advanced on him.

Commercial Break!

A man in a kilt walks in. He's carrying a plate of haggis. He starts reciting the Address to the Haggis.

"Gie her a Haggis!" The words "Eat Loch Ness Haggis" flashes across the screen in bright colors.

"Celebrate Scottish heritage. Eat more Haggis." (A/N: S I couldn't come with anything good for a haggis commercial. So sue me. Brain farts are EVIL!)

James and Sirius bound and gagged Remus and dragged him over to a conveniently placed pair of elevator doors. James laughed evilly as dramatic villain music plays in the background. He looked at Remus.

"Any last words, Remus old pal?" he asked tauntingly.

"Mmmmffffmmph!" (Translation: "You're going to kill me! Why are you going to kill me!" Boy, he's a bright one, isn't he?)

"I thought not. MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sirius suddenly doubled over in pain.

"Oww! These are some killer cramps!" He was now on all fours, still doubled over, and moaning in pain. "Sorry, James, I'll be with you in a minute," He said, trying, and failing, to stand up. James rolled his eyes.

"Oh, forget it! I'll do it myself!"

News anchor/Soap Network Representative: We interrupt this suspenseful, heart-wrenching moment to bring you this news bulletin (and also to protect the delicate psyches of Lupin lovers in the audience). The character of Remus Lupin has left the show because he asked for a rai–I mean, was pushed down an elevator shaft!

Lupin-enamored Audience Members: Remus! Nooo!

Adoring Friend #3: (offstage) Yes! Erm...I mean, how sad.

News anchor/Soap Network Representative: We now return you to your normally scheduled program.

"MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I did it! I KILLED REMUS LUPIN!" Sirius, having gotten over his bout of cramps, stood up.

"Uhhh, Prongs?"

"Yes, Padfoot?"

"You might not want to shout that in the presence of a teacher." Professor McGonnagall was striding briskly down the hall toward them. Sirius looked down the elevator shaft at the body. "Where did this elevator shaft come from, anyway?"

To Be Continued...