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Episode Four: Minerva's Dark Past

Previously on General Hogwarts:

James: Remus!

Remus: Jaaaaammmmmes!

Sirius: McGonagall!

McGonagall: Black! Potter!

As Professor McGonagall came closer and closer to the scene of the murder, James and Sirius hastily closed the elevator doors and stood in front of them. James tried to look cool and collected, while Sirius looked nothing short of a nervous wreck.

"Potter, Black! What are you two doing here next to the school's empty elevator shaft?" A look of sudden revelation came across her face. "No! I would never have thought that the two of you would be capable of something so gruesome, so cruel, so..." Sirius was now sobbing harder than Lily had ever done in her life (which was really saying something), and found that he could not keep the truth hidden any longer.

"It was all true, Professor!" When Sirius began his very emotional confession, dramatic and sappy music begins to play on an invisible violin. "James and I, we--we--cornered Remus, and sent him to his ultimate doom down the elevator shaft!" A large and uniform gasp is heard from behind the set. "It was a crime of passion, a murder of rage! Because of our conflicting love for the beautiful Lily Evans, a friendship that Might have lasted through the ages was cut tragically short. However, my relationship with James is much stronger than that, and he will remain by my side as we are subjected to your cruel punishment!" During this long and heart-wrenching speech, a look of disgust and horror had come to James's face.

"He lies! The truth is, he hypnotized me into aiding him in his evil scheme! I couldn't control myself! Believe me, I wanted to!" James was attempting to produce tears, but as they were not naturla like Sirius's, he decided to make his voice sound shaky and scrunch his face.

"Traitor! You just used me to do your dirty work!" It was a wonder that Sirius was still conscious with the hysterical state he was in.

"Don't you understand, you fool? I've been using you all along!" The music becomes very climatic, and James finally gives up his useless frightened act to put on the tough-guy act. Through all of this, though, Professor McGonagall's face had gone from terror to relief.

"Well, you boys just run along, then! It's not safe to play near empty elevator shafts, now, is it?" As the two wizards shrug and find nothing suspicious about the professor's shaky laughter, an annoyed stage whisper is heard from backstage.

"Sirius: 'Professor, why is there an empty elevator shaft at Hogwarts?'"

Sirius suddenly remembered his line, and gave the thumbs up to stage right. "Sirius: Professor, why is there an empty elevator shaft at Hogwarts?" The distinctive noise of someone pounding their head against a wall can be heard. As a shrill accusing soundtrack begins, Minerva McGonagall-

Commercial Break!

(Opens up in a crowded movie theatre).

"I'm hungry! What do you guys want for a snack?" says Molly.

"Shhhh!" says a rude and random guy at the theatre.

"We could have popcorn!" says Benny.

"Shut up, will ya!" says the same rude and random guy.

"Or soda!" (A/N: which is NOT pop! cringe) says Polly. The Random Guy gets very frustrated at his lack of attention, and makes many nasty gestures toward the kids.

"What about candy?" asks Lenny. Random Guy is now slowly walking towards them with a bunch of sharp, pointy objects.

"You guys are forgetting the best snack food of all!" says Holly

"What?" ask all of Holly's little friends. Random Guy is frothing at the mouth and is about to strike.

"Spam, of course!" says Holly very matter-of-factly.

"How could we forget? Did you bring some?" says the little friends.

"Yuppers!" Random Guy is now quite peppy and excited.

"Gee, can I have some?" says the formerly rude but still random guy.

"Sure!"

Share Spam...make new friends!

(A/N: We don't own Spam. Not even one solitary can of it.)

As a shrill, accusing soundtrack begins, Minerva McGonagall suddenly looks very cross and snaps her fingers.

"It was you, wasn't it, Professor? You put the elevator shaft there!" shouted James, who was pointing an accusing finger at McGonagall.

"But why?" said Sirius, biting his (her?) fingernails with anticipation.

"It's all coming together now," said James, giving his voice a mysterious tone and pacing around his teacher. "You weren't concerned about the death of one of your students! All you seemed to care about was that Sirius and I were near the elevator shaft! My guess is that you," James paused, just because he could, "have put something down there yourself!"

"A Jesse McCartney poster!" squealed Sirius. James and Minerva look over at Sirius with a very disturbed expressions while Sirius just shrugged. It took a few moments for James to get over his twitches and regain his composure.

"And that something is...a body!"

"It couldn't be!" gasped Sirius.

"But it is! All evidence points to her."

Sirius thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, if it is true, that means there's only one way out of this situation..."

"Blackmail!" said James and McGonagall in unison, both pointing at each other.

Tune in next week fro a new episode of General Hogwarts!