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Episode Five: Who's Down the Shaft and What Lily's Been Doing

Previously on General Hogwarts:

McGonagall: Potter! Black!

Stage Hand: Sirius:

Sirius: Jesse McCartney!

While everything in the previous episode had been going on, Lily had been looking for her belovèd Remus. She searched everywhere for him, but couldn't find him (hmm, I wonder why). She briefly paused in her search to reflect on how odd yesterday had been. Sirius was a woman and she was dating his best friend (or, at least, one of them. She'd never go out with that Potter guy). Upon thinking about this, she started to wonder about Remus...

While wondering about Remus, Lily had started walking again. She was so lost in thought that she didn't see the stairs in front of her. With the first step, she tripped, and tumbled down the rest, nothing but a blur of firey red. The dramatic falling-down-stairs music started to swell to a great climax. A pair of strong arms caught her at the bottom. A pale hand gently brushed her hair out of her face.

Severus Snape looked down at Lily and his heart gave a little jump. So James Potter thought he was the only one who had (not so) secretly pined away for Lily, did he? Well he was wrong. The thing was, Severus knew he had about a one-in-a-million chance with her. But as he looked into her eyes, and she looked into his, he felt that maybe, just maybe, this was his chance.

"You...you...you saved me, Severus," Lily said breathlessly. Sappy, romantic music began to play.

"Yeah," Severus said dazedly. "I guess I did." He helped her up. "So," (sad, depressing music) "I suppose you'd better go find Remus. He'll be glad to know that you're alright."

"Hmm? Remus?" Lily was distracted by Severus's greasy chiseled features and rugged good looks. "Remus who?"

"Please don't do that, Lily," Severus said, hurt. "You know who Remus is. He's your boyfriend and you love him." It pained him to say this.

"No, Severus," (dramatic, soppy love music) "I never knew what love was until now." She fell into his arms and shared such passionate kisses as the romantic music swelled to a dramatic climax.

McGonagall and James were still pointing at each other when Lily walked by on the arm of one Severus Snape. James's jaw dropped. McGonagall let out a small, surprised "oh my."

"Have you seen Remus?" Lily asked Sirius, who looked suddenly quite nervous and suspicious.

"Nope. Not at all. Haven't seen him all day," she/he said quickly. "Why do you ask?" She/he gave a nervous laugh.

"Because, if you see him, tell him that I said it's over. I've found someone far more manly." She smiled up at Severus (who couldn't build muscle if he tried), who smiled grasily back, then shot a maliciously triumphant look at James when Lily wasn't looking.

"Come on, Lily," he said, leading her away. James turned and banged his head on the elevator doors.

"Snivellus-ow!-Snape? She's going (ow) out with Snivellus Snape! Could this series get any worse!"

"Yes, it can. And it will," said the omnicient narrators' voices. James looked up at the ceiling.

"Could you give him a brain tumour or something? Pretty please?"

"No! Quit trying to mess with the plot and read the teleprompter!" James grumbled and read the teleprompter.

"Wait, what are we black mailing you for Professor?"

"Well, I-"

Commercial Break!

The following is a public service announcement and should be taken seriously.

(Frodo, Gollum, HannahCimsGwendolyn, Sir Gallahad, and Voldemort walk in)

"Have you ever touched a shiney object?" asks Gollum.

"We did. And our lives were never the same," says Frodo

"My friend is forever more convinced that I'm trying to kill her because of a shiney lever," says Hannah, the amazing co-author.

"Our Precious was so bright, so shiney. We are now but a hollow shell of ourselves. And We fell into lava, Precious. Yes, We did," says Gollum.

"Gollum bit off my finger for a shiney object," says Frodo sadly.

"I must forever hide from my followers that the prophecy itself was of no importance, but the ball holding it was so shiney..." says Voldemort.

"Actually, I never touched shiney objects, but because of a Grail-shaped beacon, Lancelot had to save me from very perilous peril. Also, because of a shiney object, I got tossed over the Bridge of Death," says Sir Gallahad.

"Take a stand. Talk to your kids about the dangers of shiney objects."

"Well, I killed Albus Dumbledore!" Minerva began sobbing as the scandal music played.

"What?" James was confused.

"Yes. I killed him. You see, we were secretly having an affair," James and Sirius cringed, twitched, and resisted the urge to vomit, "and, well, last night we got a huge fight. Albus threatened to reveal our love. I couldn't have that, since it would mean too much paperwork if he got a brain tumour, so I...I...I pushed him down the elevator shaft!"

"But, I saw Professor Dumbledore this morning," Sirius sadi. "And he looked perfectly fine to me. How can he be down there," she/he jearked his/her head towards the elevator, "if I saw him alive and kicking this morning?"

"Albus's brother, Aberforth, got plastic surgery to look like Albus. And he's a very talented actor. So nobody but you two are none the wiser."

"Oh."

"Now, you will tell me what you two are hiding down there," Minerva pulled out her wand. Dangerous evil villian music plays. "And pay the consequences."

"Don't you mean or pay the consequences?" James asked.

"No, I mean and pay the consequences."

"Oh. Okay then."

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" both teenagers screamed.

To be continued...