Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does, plain and simple. We also do not own Walter Cronkite, Walter Cronkite does, plain and simple.

A/N: Shout out to the Patron Saint. SHGrey18 used your swim cap idea in this episode.

Episode Six: Enter Tom Riddle

Previously on General Hogwarts:

Severus: Lily!

Lily: Severus.

Minerva: Albus!

Albus: (dead people can't talk, silly!)

As James and Sirius continued to scream, James suddenly remembered an event from two episodes previously, and stopped making a spectacle of himself.

"Uh, Professor Mc-" James is interrupted by Sirius's continued screaming and hyperventilating. "Profess-" James is beginning to get frustrated, and shoots dirty looks at Sirius. "Professor McGonagall, I- SIRIUS, YOU CAN STOP NOW!" Sirius stopped, and glanced at James with a tinge of hurt.

James, you know my emotions are a bit high-strung right now! I could use some respect!" A slightly pitiful tune comes on. "AND WHERE IS THAT FREAKIN' MUSIC COMING FROM? It's been driving me crazy all day!"

"Sirius, can it, will you? Do you feel like dying?" At a small shake of the head from a teary-eyed Sirius, James continued. "Professor McGonagall, I think Sirius and I told you in episode four who we pushed down the elevator shaft." Minerva lowered her wand and looked a bit confused.

"Oh. Right. That does kind of ruin the dramatic effect, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, just a bit." James thought for a minute, and said, "We won't blackmail you if you don't blackmail us."

The professor considered this offer, and then shook hands with James. "Agreed. Now run along, boys!"

"Hey Sirius," James said as they walked down the hall in the opposite direction from Professor McGonagall, "did you get all of that on your secret spy camera hidden in your conviently placed fanny pack?"

"Yeah. Can I take it off now, though? I think it makes me look fat."

While Sirius and James came up with ways to blackmail their transfiguration teacher, Lily and Severus could be found snogging behind a bookshelf in the library. Little did they know that their make-out session would soon be interuptted by something no one had predicted . . .

Commercial Break!

"Are you tired of your hair?" asks Haley the Hairdresser/Telemarketer.

"Yes!" shouts a bunch of girls with long, curly hair.

"Do you wish your hair could be "groovy" and "hip"?" asks Haley the Hairdresser/Telemarketer.

"Yes!" says a bunch of teenage boys with spiffy, spiked hair.

"Do you want to go streaking at the Super Bowl?" asks Haley the Hairdresser/Telemarketer.

"Yes!" shouts Walter Cronkite rather randomly.

"Uhhhh . . ."

"Sorry about that! Back to this infomercial! Do you wish you could be bald?" asks Haley the Hairdresser/Telemarketer.

"Of course!" replies everyone, except for Walter Cronkite.

"Then buy a swim cap! Guaranteed to make anyone with hair look bald (well, sort of)!"

"Yippee!" exclaims everyone, except for Walter Cronkite.

"Swim caps are availible in the exciting and varied colors of white and off-white. Become popular and preppy in no time with a fabulous new swim cap!"

As Lily and Severus made out behind a bookshelf in the library, they encountered someone they never would have guessed.

-Flashback (you know the drill)-

(Opens up to the Hogwarts library in 1946 in the exact spot where Lily and Severus were in 1977)

Tom Riddle is putting the final touches on a biggie-sized time-turner that is spitting green sparks everywhere. He jumps in surprise when Albus Dumbledore (who at this point is alive and kicking) walks into the same aisle. Tom quickly stands in front of the time-turner.

"Hello, Tom. What are you doing?" He looked in a suspicious manner towards the student.

"Uhhhhh, I'm just, ummmmm, doing research for-for a project!" Tom stuttered. He hoped Dumbledore wouldn't notice all of the shiney green sparks coming from behind him in a very conspicuous manner.

"What kind of project?"

"Ummmmm . . . one where I figure out different ways to save endangered species of cute, fuzzy bunnies?" Dumbledore looked at Tom skeptically, and then moved on. As soon as he was out of earshot, Tom started laughing maniacally. "Muuuuuuaaaaaahhhhh! Soon my evil scheme will be complete, and I can time-travel thirty-one years into the future and take over the world!" He started to grin evilly, and waited for his evil music to start. Instead, the soundsystem that General Hogwarts uses had a technical malfunction and started playing the theme to Elmo's World.

"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA Elmo's World!"

"What the-" Tom gave a shudder.

"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA Elmo's World!"

"Oh my Lord-" Tom was now freaking out.

"Elmo loves his goldfish, his crayon, too!"

"Make it STOP!" At this stage he was convulsing.

""That's Elmo's WOOOOOORRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLD!" As the music ceased, Tom gave a sigh of relief and got busy before the music started again. Before long, he finished, and found his way to Lily and Severus's snogfest.

-End Flashback-

"Aahh!" shrieked Severus when he saw Tom. Lily, however, looked up at him with a look of curiosity.

"You shall be the first two to die!" screamed Tom.

"No! I won't let you kill Lily!" yelled Severus, jumping to his feet and trying to look heroic.

"Wait, Severus," said Lily just above a whisper as she looked dreamily at Tom. "Please don't kill us . . . me . . .?" she said, waiting for Tom to fill in his name.

"Tom. Tom Riddle. And who do I have the pleasure of meeting today?" Tom's expression had changed from malevolent to gentle when he had looked down at Lily.

"I'm Lily Evans, and this is my ex-boyfriend, Severus Snape."

"Lily, if you become my evil queen and love me until eternity, I'll spare your life."

"Why, of course! Anything for such a noble, kindhearted man such as yourself!" Throughout this, Severus had a look of dumbfoundment on his face.

"But-but Lily! What about us?" Lily scoffed.

"You are so last episode, Severus." Tom began to raise his wand.

"Wait, don't I get to live?" Severus looked desperate now. Tom shrugged, and looked questioningly over at Lily.

"On what conditions should we let him live, my dear Miss Evans?"

"Hmm." Lily thought for a moment. "How about if he becomes your slave?"

"Sounds good to me." Snape looked absolutely horrified.

Tune in next time for General Hogwarts!

A/N: This is Samdum. Since nobody loves us sniff, sob and nobody's reviewed since chapter four, I'm going to write something myself. Mostly directed toward Hannah, as she wrote this chapter. Some of it might be directed toward the audience, so keep your eyes peeled. Ahem...

Dear Hannah,

I knew I shouldn't have said Walter Kronkite! Why didn't you tell me that he was going to streak at the Super Bowl! Now I'm going to have nightmares, thanks very much! La la la la, la la la la, Samdum's world! (it's scarier than Elmo's World, trust me. Sometimes, even I don't want to go in there!) Ummm...there was more I wanted to say, but I forgot. But, seeing as you're here, I'll just turn and tell you if I think of it.

Thank you for your kindness,

Fondly Ever yours,

Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit Yurgensen (runs away, screaming, from the evil CD)

Dear Readers,

Why haven't you reviewed! You're reading it, we know you are, you're just not reviewing. It is our theory that our friends on the alert list live on the other side of the world as us. In which case, those of you on the review list are forgiven. But people on our side of the Prime Merridean, YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE! Please review, pretty please? Exceptions are funerals, weddings, birthday parties you just couldn't get out of, sickness, death (of yourself), and threat of death. All others have no excuse. Please review us. We feel very lonely.

Hannah: Please excuse Samdum. She gets pretty desperate sometimes, even though we just posted our last chapter this afternoon! I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter!

Yeah, hi, back to me! For people on our side of the Merridean that one or more of the special exceptions apply to, you have no excuse! Excused, you are not! Please review us. pouts

Also, I have a new fic: Sometimes Love Needs a Little Help. (HP) fluffy one-shot. Also, please check out my other fics (as well as Hannah's, but these ones are my solos): The Only One He Ever Loved (HP, Lily/Tom Riddle), One Known Terror (LotR, OC/Elrohir a bit, mostly annoying little sister), and For Mercutio (Shakespeare, obviously. Mercutio/OC). If you read any of them, please review. I hand out cookies and/or cheese. Yay, self advertisement! Okay, I'm done with my notoriously long author's note.

Most sincerely, warmest wishes,

Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit Fleckenhiemer (screams and runs away again)

P.S. If anybody knows if pure-blood kids went to some sort of wizarding elementary school, please let us know. Because, you know, if you don't learn like Algebra and stuff, life's gonna be very hard. Maybe they have an algebra class at Hogwarts that J.K. Rowling never tells us about. Hmmm...