Disclaimer: The monkey, although he can go anywhere, does not own Harry Potter. And so, therefore, neither do we. And for the monkey reference, we don't own Weeble and Bob, either.

Episode Seven: Unlikely Alliances

Previously on General Howarts:

Lily: Tom!

Severus: Lily!

Tom: Severus . . .

Suddenly, Lily was very different now that she was Tom's evil queen. She kept her hair down and over her shoulders, wore only tight black clothes, and applied heavy black makeup. All on Tom's orders, of course, but Lily wasn't complaining. Tom had, in a matter of minutes, ousted the teachers (or most of them, anyway) and enslaved the Hogwarts student populace, and he and Lily reigned supreme.

Sirius and James, however, were completely oblivious to the change, seeing as it had taken place in a few minutes. They walked merrily down the hall, discussing how they could blackmail McGonagall with the secret tape. They also discussed how Sirius was regretting becoming a woman, and how he could go back to just being a rather effeminate man.

"You know, Prongs, I don't really like Jesse McCartney," Sirius admitted.

"And this is bad because . . . ?"

"Good point."

"Psssst!" came a whisper from a dark corner. The two looked around.

"Who's there?" James said. Severus stepped out of the shadows. "You!" James growled through gritted teeth, rolling up his sleeves and advancing on him. Sirius caught him by the shoulders.

"No, Prongs!" James tried to get away.

"Don't try to stop me, Padfoot! You know what he did!"

"I know, I know, but can't you hear the conspiracy music? He's obviously got a proposition for us."

"He's right, Potter," Severus said in his oiliest voice yet. "It wouldn't be in your best interest to shove me down an elevator shaft just yet . . ."

"Elevator shaft? Gracious, no! That's too quick! I'm thinking of filing some paperwork for a brain tumor! Please?" he added to the ceiling, which remained silent.

"Why are you talking to the ceiling, Potter?"

"Because that's where the narrators' voices live. Sirius knows what I'm talking about, don't you Padfoot?" Sirius shook his head slowly.

"Sorry, James. I haven't a clue."

"Oh, come on! You even asked yourself where the music was coming from!"

"Of course I did." Sirius patted his shoulder consolingly. "So, what's your proposition, Snivelly?"

"I say we form a secret society in a revolt against the Dark Lord Tom." The other two looked blankly at him.

"Who?" Sirius asked.

"The Dark Lord Tom? The guy that's taken over the school, that dark lord?" They both blinked at him. Severus sighed exasperatedly. "The guy that stole Lily," he said, very blasé.

"Grrrr," James growled.

"I'll take that as a yes. You in, Black?"

"In what?" Tom asked, striding around a corner.

"My Lord, I-"

Commercial Break!

"I'm bored," says Girl #1.

"Me, too. I wish we had something exciting to do," says Girl #2 (a pair of pants magically appear with a perky "ping")

"Wow!" exclaims both girls.

"My pants have a zipper!" (holds up a pair of jeans)

"My pants have buttons!" (holds up a pair of khakis)

"Pants, never leave the house without them!"

Severus fell to his knees , pulling Sirius and James with him. He bowed his head. Sinister villain music played.

"My Lord, I-"

"You see?" James shrieked. "There it is! There's the stalker music!" Crazy-people music (and sound effects) started playing from out of nowhere. "Stop that!" James screamed at the ceiling.

"Guards," Lily said lazily, "silence the screaming crazy person, will you." Two random Slytherin seventh years bound and gagged James.

"Dispose of him," Tom commanded.

"No! Wait!" Lily said quickly. She then regained her composure. "This one amuses me."

"Then he's yours, my love," Tom said with an evil smile. "Now, you, Greasy Slave, what were you talking about with Crazy Monkey Boy-"

"Hey!"

"-and . . ." he paused to think of an insulting name for the third one. "And Short, Quiet, and Ugly?"

"That's the best you can come up with?" Sirius scoffed.

"How dare yo speak to me! Crucio!" Sirius writhed in pain. "Come on, Slave, out with it! You were conspiring against me, weren't you?"

"No, my Lord," Severus said, while at the same time, Sirius said "yes" and James said "blue."

"Well, which is it? Yes, no, or blue?" They all then switched answers. Severus was "blue," Sirius was "no," and James was "yes." Sirius managed to speak up before the others could switch answers.

"What we meant was maybe, yeah, maybe . . . blue!"

"Blue what?"

"We...can't tell you. It's erm...a...surprise." Tom raised an eyebrow and the others spun around to stare at Sirius

"A surprise? A surprise what?"

"Well, that would ruin the surprise." James and Severus blinked blankly.

"Yeah," James said slowly. "The surprise. That's it, a surprise." James nodded vigorously and Snape agreed hesitantly.

"Well, you'll just have to tell me what it is." The Dark Lord Tom (that doesn't sound as cool as Voldemort, does it?) was slowly drawing his wand.

"All we can say..." Sirius said slowly. "Is that we were having an argument over whether...blue would go with...your...eyes? Yeah. If blue would go with your eyes. And our conclusion is...maybe."

"Hah!" Tom laughed loftily. "You pathetic fools! Of course blue goes with my eyes, you silly persons!"

"Oh, well then, that settles it." He turned to James and Severus. "I told you. I told them," he added, turning to Tom.

What exactly is blue? Why is James the only one that hears the music? Will Severus ever get rid of all that grease? Tune in to General Hogwarts next time to find out! Or...erm...the time after that, we're not really sure.

"You SEE!" James shouted through the blackness of the screen right before the commercial. "There it is again!"

"Of course it is," Sirius's calm, soothing, and slightly condecending voice says.