Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, Girl Scouts, Krispy Kreme Donuts (very long story . . . the tune for the song in the commercial is based on the one used by band members at my old middle school to try to sell Krispy Kreme Donuts) or Monty Python (see if you can find the Holy Grail connection!).
A/N: This commercial is for you, EmmaHermione1Fan!
Episode Eight: The Rise of the Death Munchers
Previously on General Hogwarts:
Lily: Tom!
Tom: Short, Quiet, and Ugly?
James: Blue!
As James got over his bout of craziness, a shiney lightbulb pops over Tom's head as he remembers why he sought out his greasy slave. "Now, Greasy Slave, Crazy Mokey Boy, and Short, Quiet, and Ugly, my Dark Queen Lily and I command you to-" Tom was interrupted by James's sudden childlike squeals of delight.
"Oh! Oh! Look, Sirius! A shiney object! Can I please go touch it, Dark Lord Tom?" James was about to wet his pants out of excitement.
"James, you are so dense! How could you ever expect to be my next love interest when you don't even pay attention to proven life-saving PSAs?" Lily had her hands on her hips and looked at James as if he had the intelligence of a cow. He, however, stopped acting like the crazy monkey that he was for a moment and gazed serenely at Lily with heavenly music playing serenading him. James was so caught up in the moment that he forgot to spaz about the music.
"Lily! You do have romantic feelings for me! I knew it!" As all heads swivelled over to gawk at Lily, she became very red and tried to look evil and malicious once again. The Dark Lord Tom began to go very pale, and his hand slowly started to inch toward the wand in his pocket.
"Of course, that was, umm, hypothetically speaking," stammered Lily, who was now glancing nervously at Tom. He glanced at her suspiciously for a moment, and then shrugged it off. James, however, looked flabbergasted that the moment he had been waiting for the entire series had been snatched away from him. Sirius and Severus simply looked amused that Lily had stayed with a love interest for more than one episode.
"Now, back to what the shiney lightbulb meant!" The Dark Lord Tom looked at James carefully for a moment to make sure he wouldn't get carried away by the shiney object again. He started again when Sirius and Severus made sure he was fully restrained. "Now, Greasy Slave, Crazy Monkey Boy, and Short, Quiet, and Ugly, my Dark Queen Lily and I command you to raise an army for me from the students in this school! Muaaaahaaahaaahaaa! We shall be known and feared as the-" Tom thought carefully for a moment. "-Death Munchers! Well, what do you think?"
"It could be a bit more dark and imposing. That's always good for a soap opera," suggested James.
"Crucio!" shrieked the Dark Lord Tom.
As James rolled around on the floor, Lily said, "I think it's a lovely name, Dear." Lily threw herself against him and placed her lips inches from his.
"Of course it is! I'm the Dark Lord Tom!" He gave Lily a quick peck, which made her look quite disappointed when he didn't go in for something deeper. "Now, all I need is a general."
"I think I can help you in that area," said a mysterious feminine voice from just out of view of the camera.
"Gee, look at the time! I'm late for my hair appointment!" yelled Sirius nervously.
"Umm, okay," said James as he got up from off the floor and started to dust off his pants.
"Isn't this a bit of a random time to get his hair done?" asked the Dark Lord Tom, very confused that his maliciousness wasn't being nearly as effective as he thought it would be.
"You mean 'her.' Sirius is actually a woman," answered James matter-of-factly.
"Oh. Well, that clears up a number of questions . . ."
"Why, Sirius!" spoke the voice from just out of view. Don't you even want to say hello to-"
Commercial Break!
(Screen flashes from the school hallway to a group of cheery, bright Brownie Girl Scouts)
Silly String!
Silly String!
Won't you buy some silly string?
Silly String!
Silly String!
La la la la silly string!
SILLY STRIIIIIIING!
"We've read the letters and taken your calls, and we have great news for everyone who supports Girl Scouts!" says a cheery Brownie Girl Scout Troop Leader.
"Silly String-" begins Random Girl Scout #1.
"Not yet, Dummy!" says Random Girl Scout #2.
"For years, the Girl Scout Organization has had a yearly cookie sale, but this year, due to many, err, suggestions-"
"My cookies were moldy!" exclaims Random Girl Scout #1.
"Nobody cares! Shut up!" shouts Random Girl Scout #2.
"-we have decided to try a new and exciting product for fund-raising for our annual trip to New York City!"
"I thought we were going to Saskatchewan this year!" moans Random Girl Scout #1.
"That was to make you shut up, which is what you should be doing now!" yells Random girl Scout #2.
"This year, Girl Scouts will be selling . . . silly string! It's silly, and it's stringy, making it a great stocking stuffer for the holidays! Buy some from your local troop today!"
(As the hallway begins to reappear, the silly string song plays and fades off.)
"Why, Sirius!" spoke the voice from just out of view. "Don't you even want to say hello to your beloved cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange?" Bellatrix strolled into view, and tense, shocking music came along with her.
"Wait!" shrieked the Dark Lord Tom. "You can't be my evil general if your related to Short, Quiet, and Ugly!"
"Why not! My cousin is the silly English type!" Everyone looked confused, and just stared at Bellatrix.
"Umm, what are you, then?" asked Severus.
"I'm French, of course!" she responded as if this was very obvious, and mumbled off a bunch of French-sounding words to prove her point.
"Bellatrix, you were born in Sheffield," said Sirius exasperated.
"You would be the one to know!" cried Bellatrix. "Last summer you pledged your undying faithfulness to me! Every morning I would awaken to you by my side, and every night I would fall asleep with your arms around me! Then you heard about the minuscule matter of us being cousins, and you dump me! Leave me out in the cold! Because of my ongoing depression, I have decided to become as evil as possible, to cause others as much pain as I have felt!" Bellatrix was very good with her emotions, and cried and fumed at all the right moments when the music playing was just right. Lily was looking disgusted.
"You really need to work on moving on. Variety is always a good thing."
"And, err, what's with the French accent?" asked James.
"Sirius is English! Who would want to be the same nationality as a, a . . ." Bellatrix swore under her breath for her sudden forgetfulness. "Think improv, girl," she whispered. "STUPIDHEAD!"
"Look, Bellatrix, I'm sorry, but don't you think it's just the tiniest bit disturbing to make out with your cousin, especially since that cousin is now a woman?" Sirius tried. The only response to this was a string of random French words.
"Bellatrix, I believe you have made your point. You obviously despise my slave Short, Quiet, and Ugly, so it is clear that you would go against everything he does. You're perfect for the job!"
"But, Dear-" began Lily.
"Oh, no need to be jealous, my beautiful Evil Queen! I never said that she was attractive! She merely seems loyal to my evil cause." Bellatrix had looked immensely proud of herself upon hearing about her new position, but now looked abashed, and startling revelation music clanged. She looked over at Lily as if she wanted to rip her stomach open with her bare hands and hang her entrails around the school like streamers. "Now, General Lestrange, I want you to recruit as many people as possible. The three slaves here will do your bidding, or else you have permission to do whatever you like to them. Try looking for people who are very impressionable and far too frightened to do otherwise."
"What about that silly little friend of yours, Peter?" asked Bellatrix with a snarl.
"Peter? A Death Muncher? The chances of that happening are the same as if I eventually marry Lily; our one and only son happens to be the chosen one to defeat the Dark Lord; Lily and I are murdered, but our son miraculously survives; Sirius is mistakenly sent to Azkaban, but later escapes; and Remus, even though he is dead right now, becomes the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor during our son's third year. Yeah, as if that would ever happen!" sniggered James, and everyone else had to crack a smile at the sheer impossibility of this. During this window of opportunity, Severus did something unexpected in hopes of saving his skin.
A/N: Many of reading are probably wondering what Peter has been up to during this series. Well . . .
-Meanwhile In the Gryffindor Common Room-
"Bread! Pork! Nachos! Ducks! Darn it, WHY WON'T YOU OPEN!" shouted Peter at the back of the portrait of the Fat Lady. Two girls walked in and made their way around Peter as if his lack of intelligence was contagious.
"I wonder who gave him the brain tumor?" asked the first girl.
"I think he's just naturally that way," said the other. Peter, solely focused on trying to leave the common room, did not notice them.
"Chapstick! Milk! Home improvement stores! Saxophone!
A/N: Well, for everyone who has listened to OOTP on tape, this fic gives a reason to why Bellatrix sounds French!
CA/N: (co-author's note from Samdum) It wasn't my idea for the inscest thing, just so y'all know! That was from SHGrey18's own morbid mind!