Disclaimer: YourXFirefly would like it to be known that she is (most) of the brainchild behind the silly string song ( she was in the band that made it up)We do not own Harry Potter, General Hospital, or Dunkin Donuts (oooh donuts). We did ask Santa for Harry Potter copyrights, along with a boyfriend, and a pony, and another boyfriend, and a whole bunch more ponies . . .

A/N: Thanks to PatronSaintofEverythingWierd for the commercial idea!

Episode Ten: The (Wonderful) Brain Tumor

Previously on General Hogwarts:

Lampchop: Thomas!

Tom: NOOO!

Lily: Severus (again)!

As James glared at Sirius for making fun of his ability to have an attention span greater thirty seconds, he wondered why Lily had gone back to Severus when she had clearly shown indirect evidence that she had feelings for him in the last episode. Then, what may have been the brightest idea he had in the series so far came to his mind.

"Sirius, you're a bloody genius!" James shrieked.

"Sure! Cool!" exclaimed Sirius, who was not used to such compliments.

"I'll just pretend to have a brain tumor so that Lily will fall in love with me because she'll think I will be going to die soon! Sheer brilliancy!" With that, James ran away from a very pleased-looking Sirius and toward the newly reinstated couple. When he was only a few meters away, he began to roll around on the floor and cry out in pain.

"What are you doing now, Potter?" sighed an irritated Severus, upset about having to be away from his beloved Lily for more than a few moments. Tragic, sympathetic notes started to play. It was a good thing that James "cries of pain" were rather loud, for it would have been very difficult for him to pretend convincingly while trying to figure out the enigmatic origin of the music.

"Oh, the pain! The supreme agony! I- I think someone gave me a- a," he paused, "brain tumor!" Almost immediately, Lily dramatically let go of Severus with a shocked look on her face.

"What! From whom?" questioned Lily, starting to walk over toward James and leaving a seething Severus behind her.

"I- I don't recall exactly . . . all I can remember is the awful grease . . . oh, it was everywhere, I tell you! Ugh, I can't bear to think about it!" At this, James started to sob uncontrollably. Lily placed his head on her lap and began to talk soothingly to him. Severus then gave up and walked away in a huff to the other side of the hall next to Sirius, muttering things like "bloody ferret" and "maniacal laser beams." Sirius was sobbing very hard into his hands for his dear friend (in other words, he was attempting to hold back gales of laughter at actually seeing Lily and James together).

"Lily?" asked James weakly. He tried to unfocus his eyes to match the romantic near-death music, which he was actually thankful for right now.

"Anything for you, James," she said sweetly.

"If for some reason I suddenly and miraculously survive-"

"This week on the Semi-Ancient But Not Quite Dark Ages History Channel, catch the drama!" (Shows a barbarian-type army wearing perfectly matching blue knee-highs.)

"Argh! Kill them!" says the General of Blue Knee-Highs Army.

"Catch the action!" (Shows another barbarian- type army, but this one has green toe socks.)

"Muahahahaha! Slit their socks!" says the General of the Green Toe Socks Army ( The armies run at each other)

"Catch the um, sockshed?" (whispers to woman who wrote the script) "Is that a word?"

"No! Ha ha, I made you look stupid!" says Hannah, the amazing script writer of this commercial.

"THAT'S IT! I QUIT!" ( a small shuffling of papers and other random noises are heard).

"Witness the reenactments of moments that would change the world forever. Gee, I'm doing well, aren't I?" says the Janitor of the building at Hannah and Samdum Productions, Inc. ( the two armies continue to fight, and as bloody socks end up everywhere, the two generals come face to face).

"Finally we meet! Now I shall steal your life, as well as possibly your socks!" shouts the General of the Blue Knee-High Army.

"Not if I take yours first!" replies the General of the Green Toe Socks Army.

"The battle raged on for days and days until only a few lucky survivors remained. The terror of having their socks bloodied and thrown about in all directions permanently scarred these men, and has even carried on into the present day. Watch The History of Mismatched Socks: From the Very Beginning Sunday night at 9/8 central, only on the Semi-Ancient But Not Quite Dark Ages History Channel!" finished the janitor with a great deal of pride.

"If for some reason I suddenly and miraculously survive this - OH MY GOD, THE PAIN- tragic brain tumor, will you be my love interest, Lily, Oh, I can feel death upon me!"

"Lily, dearest! You can obviously tell he's lying!" said Severus, nearly yelling in desperation.

"Shh!" whispered Sirius, watching the scene in front of him intently. He then added in a hushed tone, "Gosh, I wish I was in his place!"

Severus looked confused for a moment, and said, "Um, Black, I thought you said earlier that you were, err, a woman now?"

"Was a woman. It's amazing how fast a reversal sex change operation can take! I mean, in the space of one commercial-"

"Shut it, both of you!" screamed James from where he was on the floor. Nervously glancing up at Lily, he added, "Please continue on with what you were about to say, love." He then put in a few dry coughs to make it seem as if he was sicker than he really was.

"Oh, James! Of course I'll be your love interest!" Looking very smug indeed, James pretended to pass out for a few seconds, causing Lily to let loose a few tears.

"What's up with this?" Severus was now very red and looked as if he might explode any minute. "She never cried for me! If I lay 'dying' like that, she would have moved on to her next boyfriend by now!"

"Oh, Severus! You really don't understand; I think I just had some dirt in my eye." She wiped at her eyes for a moment, and then glanced at Sirius. "You said you were a man again, right?" Just before Sirius was about to reply, James, sensing that his time was running out, shot his head up.

"I'm alive! The pain is gone! The writers have decided that my relationship with Lily shall go on!" Lily, who had not yet been flirting with Sirius too deeply, was still able to, much to James's delight, sway back into his arms.

"Oh, James! Thank goodness!" Lily came in very close to James's face, and he was more than willing to take the next step (use your imagination).

"Shoot!" cried Sirius. "I was hoping that, you know, maybe we could . . . oh well." Before he continued, he could not help but start sobbing hysterically. "Sorry (sniff) I guess all of the estrogen hasn't (sniff) gotten out of my system. I just love happy endings!" Of course, the writers would not dream of letting the soap opera end at that. At this moment, the one person who would have an emotional breakdown at seeing Sirius acting in such a manner walked into the hallway.

"Sirius! You silly l'actem de grรขce est une sacrifice ritud avec la tarte! (A/N: Thank you to xXBrokenWingsXx for the random French phrase! If anyone wants to know the exact translation, just message her. I know it has to do with turkey, but I forget the exact meaning.) Err!" Bellatrix had just returned at that moment from gathering a crowd of Death Munchers to see Sirius's moment of pining for Lily. Some of the Death Munchers following her seemed evil enough, but some just seemed to be in a daze because of the open box of Dunkin Donuts she had strapped to her back. "SIRIUS! I have had enough of you, you . . ." Again, Bellatrix tried to remember her lines, and because of her total lack of creativity, the entire cast and crew just stared at each other awkwardly for a few minutes.

James, who wished to continue what he was doing with Lily as soon as possible, shouted out, "Just say 'boogerbrain' and get on with it!"

"Thank you, though you are still British." At Sirius, she sceramed, "BOOGERBRAIN!" Bellatrix seemed very pleased with herself, though she hadn't even thought of the pathetic insult she had used. As the climatic "I love you, but you dumped me, so now I'm going to kill you" music started to play, Bellatrix whipped out her wand. Surprisingly, before she could say a spell (or stand there looking stupid and trying to remember the word), a bright flash of light and a scream of "Non sequitur!" came from one of the open doorways of a conveniently placed classroom. As Bellatrix turned into a rather pudgy looking taco with legs ( the Death Munchers almost stepped on her as she dashed away to retrieve the fallen donuts), someone the characters never expected to see walked into the hallway.