The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is off drinking somewhere. This idea isn't even completely mine. Thank ColdFusion 180 for giving me the inspiration and half of the story. Obviously, I invented the whisky distillery. And yeah, Blood Wing is mine. But other than that…
I give you the madness known as…
The Battle Of Jimmy Rum Ridge
Or
Know Your Joe-Cobra Persona: Mainframe and Zarana
"GOOBBBBLLEEEE!" A fierce turkey charged right at the Joes. Rage filled its beady little eyes.
ZAAAPP!
BLAM!
Only to get blown up by laser blasts.
But there were thousands of turkeys following it. "GOOBBLEEE! GOBBLE!"
The next turkey that came over the ridge however managed to avoid laser fire and tackled Beach Head.
"AAAAAHHHHHH!" Beach Head screamed as the bird pecked at him. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"
ZAAPPP!
BLAM!
SPLAT!
"It's off," Shipwreck said casually as Beach Head stood there with splattered bloody remains of the turkey. And feathers.
"Thank you," Beach Head's eye twitched.
"DUCK!" Bazooka shouted.
"They're using ducks now?" Beach Head shouted. "AAAH!" He barley dodged the laser fire. "Oh, you meant duck as in move out of the way…"
"I see why you got confused," Bazooka remarked.
"GOOBBBLLEEEE!"
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
"GOBBLE!"
"I don't believe this," Low Light grumbled while hunkering behind a barricade in front of a large warehouse. "This is one of the most ridiculous fire fights we've ever been in."
"I gotta admit, this is one weird job," Roadblock said firing his gun. "This almost beats out the times we battled a pack of giant vegetables and a rampaging monster blob."
"But not the time Cobra attacked us with toilets," Alpine told them.
"Yeah that was weird," Bazooka groaned. "Even by our standards."
"Leave it to Cobra to try and raid Jimmy Rum Ridge, the world's largest whiskey distillery," Lady Jaye commented. "I'm surprised they didn't do this years ago."
"No kidding," Flint quipped. "What's next, the world's largest brewery and manufacturer of grape soda?"
"Don't give the Dreadnoks ideas," Duke groaned. "Of course, with our luck the distillery is right next door to one of the world's largest turkey farms!"
"How the hell are those turkeys in Cobra controlling actual turkeys anyway?" Alpine shouted.
Meanwhile on the other side of the battle…
"Who knew that Blood Wing, our resident vampire could control turkeys?" Cobra Commander cackled as he watched the battle. "And there was a farm just right next door! HA! HA! HA!"
"Well vampires have been known to control other creatures," Destro mused. "Wolves. Rats. Bats. Sometimes snakes and other lizards. But I admit turkeys are a new one on me. Then again…" He looked over.
"What?" Blood Wing, the Mexican Vampire glared back. He happened to be of a rather unusual species of vampire. Namely he could transform into a turkey. Which he was now.
"This is definitely one of our weirder battles," Zartan sighed. "Although not as weird as the toilet one."
"I just wish I didn't have to stay in my turkey form for this," Blood Wing grumbled.
"It's just as well," Destro told him. "The Joes don't know your human form. That could be an advantage for a later date."
ZAAAPPP!
"AAAAHH!" Blood Wing ducked some laser blasts. "Assuming I survive it! What am I doing here? Lasers are nothing more that really concentrated blasts of energy and light! And being a vampire that's double deadly for me!"
"A vampire that turns into a turkey when exposed to sunlight," The Baroness sighed.
"It's better than what happens to European vampires when they get exposed to sunlight!" Blood Wing snapped.
"Wait, why are we using lasers?" Cobra Commander realized. "One stray laser blast or bullet will blow up all the alcohol! YOU FOOLS! SWITCH TO NON-LETHAL weaponry! NOW! NOW! NOW!"
"GOBBLE!"
"Do turkeys qualify as non-lethal?" Torch asked as he got some stun guns out.
"Depends on which end of the beak you're on," Zartan quipped.
Back to the Joes' side…
BLAM!
"On the bright side," Low Light quipped as he blew up another turkey. "We'll have plenty to eat for Thanksgiving."
"They stopped using their lasers," Duke realized. "Why would they…? Oh crap! EVERYONE CHANGE OVER TO STUN WEAPONS NOW!"
"Why?" Bazooka asked.
"Because one tiny spark would blow up where we're standing to kingdom come!" Low Light realized. "That's why!"
"GOBBLLEE!"
"AAAH!" Beach Head gasped as another turkey attacked.
"FRY YOU TURKEY!" Shipwreck ran over with a large cattle prod and electrocuted the turkey to death.
"Thanks again," Beach Head groaned. "Wait where did you get the cattle prod?"
"I brought them from the base," Shipwreck explained as he pointed to a stockpile nearby. "Remember BA's last culinary experiment?"
"Oh yes," Flint groaned. "Goulash Surprise."
"The surprise was that we almost got eaten," Low Light groaned as he grabbed a cattle prod.
"Quit yapping you guys!" Shipwreck snapped brandishing the cattle prod. "We got a battle to win here!"
"Wow, I've never seen you so serious about fighting before, Shipwreck," Alpine blinked. "This must be really personal to you."
"You bet it is. There's booze on the line here!" Shipwreck shouted leaping up and heading for the Cobra lines while waving his cattle prod. "SAVE THE BOOZE! CHARGE!"
"I should have known," Beach Head groaned.
"GOBBLE!"
BZZZAPT!
"We should have brought cranberry sauce," Bazooka remarked as he electrocuted another turkey with the cattle prod he grabbed.
Meanwhile on the Cobra side…
"Look out! The Joes are trying to flank us!" Destro shouted from the opposite side of the battlefield.
"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGE!" Shipwreck whooped like a deranged soldier, zapping turkeys and throwing stun grenades left and right. "I LOVE THE SMELL OF BURNT FEATHERS IN THE AFTERNOON!"
"It's that crazy sailor Shipwreck!" The Baroness attempted to shoot him. "He's fighting like a wild man! What the devil has gotten into him?"
"No doubt a shot or three of liquid courage," Tomax drawled indicating their surroundings.
"He's overrunning our defenses," Xamot cursed. "This is the point where Cobra Commander typically orders a retreat."
"NO RETREAT COBRA! COBRA, NO RETREAT!" Cobra Commander shouted hysterically, as he pulled out a cattle prod of his own. "FIGHT TO THE LAST MAN! DEFEND THE BOOZE WITH YOUR LIVES!"
"Oh, that explains it," Mindbender groaned.
"Where did he get the cattle prod?" Zartan blinked.
"THERE WILL BE BOOZE!" Cobra Commander cackled. "And blood as well. BUT MOSTLY BOOZE! CHAAAAAAAAAAAARGGEE!" He ran onto the field.
Blood Wing blinked. "You know Cobra Commander can be quite a pip when he wants to be."
"I can't believe I am saying this," Mindbender sighed. "But I prefer the Commander when he's a coward!"
Torch nodded. "At least he's predicable in that mode!"
BOOOOOOOOOM!
BOOOOOOOOOM!
"Forget this!" Zartan snapped crouching for cover as debris flew everywhere. "I'm not dying for Cobra Commander's uncontrollable alcoholism!"
"For once, I agree with you," Destro muttered. "Unfortunately, the Joes have cut off our retreat. They are fighting surprisingly fiercely this time."
"DIE YOU STUPID JOES!" Cobra Commander roared waving his cattle prod in one hand, hurling grenades in the other and acting like a one-man army. "STAY AWAY FROM MY BOOZE!"
"Though not nearly as fiercely as Cobra Commander," The Baroness blinked.
"Just be glad neither we or the Joes are using our usual firearms anymore," Destro noted. "One stray bullet or laser shot into a brewing vat would take us all out!"
"But what a way to go," Mindbender whistled.
"Good thing we brought plenty of tranq guns and stun grenades with us," Tomax reminded.
"Unfortunately, so did the Joes," Xamot finished.
"GOOBBLEE!"
ZAAAAAP!
"And cattle prods," The Twins said as one.
"Who brings cattle prods to a battle?" Zartan grumbled. "If it was one of our dinners at Cobra I can see it but a battle?"
"How was I supposed to know that my Hungarian Casserole would be come sentient?" Mindbender snapped.
"Next time don't cook your culinary disasters with radiation!" Destro snapped.
Back on the Joes' side…
"Man, what is with Cobra today?" Alpine winced as the action continued to fly fast and furious. "I've never seen them so determined. They've shored up their lines. We can't breach their last perimeter."
"COBRA ASSEMBLE!" Cobra Commander screamed as he threw several stun grenades. "IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME! THEN IT WILL BE MILLER TIME!"
"Everyone keeps battling on without a rest," Roadblock panted. "Cobra Commander is fighting like a man possessed."
"RARRRRRAARR! HA! HA!" Shipwreck fought wildly, zapping turkeys and throwing stun grenades left and right. "FOR ALCOHOL AND COUNTRY! BUT MOSTLY ALCOHOL! HA! HA! HA!"
"Shipwreck is keeping up with him in the crazy department," Low Light remarked. "Then again Shipwreck was never exactly a model of sanity to begin with."
ZZAAAAPP!
"GOOOBBLEEE!"
"STOP KILLING MY ARMY YOU SAVAGES!" Blood Wing was heard shouting. "DO NOT WORRY MY FALLEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS! I WILL AVENGE YOU! ANOTHER DAY. I'LL PENCIL IT IN MY CALENDAR! I SWEAR!"
"That's a familiar voice I just heard!" Roadblock realized. "Don't tell me they brought that stupid bird!"
"You mean Cobra Commander's weird vampire turkey pet?" Alpine looked over. "Okay I won't tell you."
"That explains the Thanksgiving Brigade," Duke grumbled as he electrocuted a turkey. "Uh oh… Now Shipwreck and Cobra Commander are fighting each other."
Sci-Fi blinked as he watched them fight. "Anyone else hear Duel of the Fates from the Phantom Menace?"
"BUCKAWWW! BUCKAWWWW!"
"No mostly turkeys," Low Light told him. "As well as weapons and explosions."
"AAAAHHH!" Beach Head screamed.
"And occasionally Beach Head," Low Light sighed as he took out the latest turkey that was attacking his team-mate.
"Give up Ship-Rat!" Cobra Commander hissed as they fought. "The alcohol will be mine! MINE!"
"Over my dead body Cobra Crud-Mander!" Shipwreck shouted as they thrusted and parried with the grace of experienced swordsmen. Shipwreck saw an opening and tasered Cobra Commander. "AH! HA!"
Cobra Commander just shook his head. "That all you got?"
"That didn't affect you?" Shipwreck shouted.
"Are you kidding me?" Cobra Commander shouted as they fought. "I've had bigger jolts from electric sockets! Especially after the Dreadnoks try to repair them by sticking forks into them! This is nothing! NOTHING!"
Cobra Commander then saw an opening and zapped Shipwreck. Who blinked and stood there looking at him. "HOW?" Cobra Commander shouted.
Shipwreck scoffed. "Yeah like I haven't been tasered a hundred times either by some woman or one of our team's weird science projects!"
"I'd be lying if I said that didn't happen to me once or twice," Cobra Commander admitted. "Or fifteen. Twenty times. Okay fine! I'll just have to settle for bashing your brains out!"
"I'd do the same!" Shipwreck fought back. "If you had any brains at all!"
"It's like watching a clash between two samurai warriors," Sci-Fi remarked. "Okay two weird drunken samurai warriors…"
"Okay," Low Light sighed. "This is getting pretty close to the toilet fighting battle in terms of weirdness."
"Come on, Joes! We can do it," Duke urged. "We've got Cobra surrounded. There's no place for them to run. We can finally end their reign of terror once and for all!"
"Well, I wouldn't quite call it a reign of terror," Low Light quipped. "More like a bad case of acne that pops up every so often."
"An annoying case of acne," Sci-Fi added. "Only far more destructive and embarrassing to the bearer."
"Whatever! I'm just saying this is our chance," Duke said. "We got Cobra in the bag. Nothing can stop us now!"
"Don't say things like that!" Alpine shouted. "Ever!"
"Why?" Duke asked.
Suddenly, every Joe and Cobra comm unit on the battlefield squelched to life. "Hello, everybody! It's time for another fun addition of everyone's favorite program!" Quick Kick's voice was heard.
"Huh?" Destro and Duke stared at their respective comm units, stunned. "What the devil is going on?"
"Oh no, not again," Lady Jaye and the Baroness groaned as all fighting in the distillery abruptly ceased. "Our comms have been compromised!"
"It's not just the comms," Dial Tone checked his equipment. "It's on all our personal phones too."
"And our stolen smart watches," Mindbender held up his wrist.
"Quick Kick? Short Fuse?" Duke shouted.
"That's why!" Alpine groaned.
"We've got a double special episode for all our viewers today!" Quick Kick's and Short Fuse's beaming faces appeared on various device screens along with Vapor's and Zero's. "Introducing our very first Know Your Joe-Cobra Persona co-production!"
"WHAT?!" Every Joe and Cobra yelped.
"What the blue blazes are those mindless maniacs doing now?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"I don't know about your guys but ours are doing another stupid TV program!" Shipwreck groaned. The two had stopped fighting and looked at their wrist comms.
"Wait," Cobra Commander did a double take. "That happens to you too?"
"This doesn't just happen to us?" Flint asked as the Joes and Cobras both emerged from their positions to meet on the field.
"Apparently," Destro groaned.
"Yes!" Short Fuse grinned. "It's Know Your Joe!"
"And Cobra Persona!" Vapor added.
"In stereo!" Quick Kick and Zero added. "Ta! Da!"
"Sheesh, and I thought the Twit-Headed Twins were annoying," Beach Head and Zartan sneered at the same time.
"HEY!" Tomax and Xamot yelped.
"Jinx," Zartan said to Beach Head. "You owe me a coke."
"We owe those morons a kick in the pants!" Beach Head pointed out.
"You lot are probably wondering what we are doing," Quick Kick saidcheerfully. "Well, we were busy spying…I mean, surveillancing our next guest with a new, high-tech monitor drone."
"So were we," Vapor smiled. "When our drones collided and we ended up crashing into each other ourselves."
"I admit we were about to fight each other," Short Fuse went on. "Until we found out our guests were having their own secret rendezvous with each other. So, we decided to call a truce and jointly work to spy…er, observe their interactions."
"What?!" The Joes and Cobras yelled.
"Great, the idiots of our respective teams are picking up each other's bad habits," Beach Head groaned.
"And we're not talking about Cobra Commander and Shipwreck," Zartan quipped.
"HEY!" Cobra Commander and Shipwreck said at the same time.
"It's true," The Baroness moaned. "Stupidity does attract stupidity!"
"So, let's get to it as we introduce and intrude on the privacy of today's pair of star-crossed guests: Mainframe and Zarana!" Quick Kick and Zero beamed.
"WHAT?!" The Joes and Cobras yelled again.
"What's that lunatic Joe doing with my crazy sister?" Zartan hissed.
"What's your crazy sister doing with our lunatic teammate?" Flint yelped.
"I can take a guess," Low Light groaned. "Now I have an urge to raid some scotch!"
"You're not the only one," Destro moaned taking out a flask. "I'm going to need several of these in order to make it through yet another addition of this cursed show!"
"Make mine a double," Duke groaned.
"'Bout time you showed up, Mainframe," Zarana was heard speaking on one of the drone cameras. "I was beginning to think you forgot about our lunch date."
"Sorry. Had to sneak away without anyone becoming suspicious," Mainframe apologized. "It wasn't hard. Shipwreck took my place when he heard there was a mission involving alcohol. Thanks for picking up the food. I've never had surf and turf for lunch. Or duck a l'orange. And are those oysters? Wow, this must have cost a fortune!"
"Cost?" Zarana laughed. "Ha, ha! That's a good one, Blaine!"
"LUNCH DATE?!" Duke and Zartan shouted.
"Blaine?" Lady Jaye and Baroness blinked.
"For those of you who don't know, Mainframe's real name is Blaine L. Parker and he's from Phoenix, Arizona," Short Fuse whispered as the two sets of annoying idiots hid in the bushes.
"We aren't exactly sure what Zarana's real name is or where she's originally from," Zero commented. "But it's a good guess she's from the Arafura Swamp in Australia or some other swampy region."
"How appropriate," Low Light quipped.
"I've read your files," Zartan looked at Low Light. "Like you came from better!"
"You idiot!" Beach Head bellowed at Short Fuse. "You just revealed a teammate's secret identity! That's classified information!"
"Oh, please! We've known about all you Joe's real identities for years," The Baroness waved. "We've hacked your systems more times than a Russian troll farm."
"Wow, you just revealed one of your teammate's real names," Vapor looked at Short Fuse. "Aren't you afraid Cobra will track down his family?"
"Na, they tried that already," Quick Kick waved. "It didn't go well. That actually led to an unofficial truce between our groups: we don't mess with each other's families. Except for those who officially join each other's teams."
"Wow," Zero blinked. "Is that because you all realized there are civilized lines and standards of warfare even the US government and Cobra won't cross?"
"No, it's because Cobra wouldn't stand a chance if our families got involved," Short Fuse said. "And we don't want to meet any more members of Cobra's families than we already do!"
"God, I remember that fiasco," The Baroness groaned. "No, getting our families involved is too dangerous for all of us!"
"No kidding," Alpine moaned.
"For once I agree," Destro moaned. "I've already met more members of Mindbender's family than I ever wanted to or wished to know about!"
"Really?" Lady Jaye looked at Destro. "Where's he from?"
"Lichtenstein," Mindbender said proudly.
Destro explained. "He's descended from a long line of thieves, drunkards, grave robbers and axe murders."
"That explains a lot," Duke groaned.
"That also explains why my sister volunteered to stay behind," Zartan snapped.
"This is really nice," Mainframe smiled as he munched on his lunch. "I've never been on a real lunch date before. Not even as a kid."
"Oh? You mean you never even shared a cookie with a girlfriend in grade school?" Zarana quipped.
"I never really had a girlfriend," Mainframe shrugged. "I was your stereotypical computer geek. A thin, pale loner spending all my time indoors."
"Gee, what a surprise," Beach Head drawled.
"Really? What about your ex-wife?" Zarana asked. "Didn't you say you met her in high school?"
"Well, kinda," Mainframe scratched his head. "We met at a robotics meet. I was the captain of one team, she was a cheerleader on the other."
"Robotics teams have cheerleaders?" Shipwreck did a double take.
"They have boosters too," Sci-Fi commented. "And groupies."
"Wow, I did not know that," Lifeline blinked.
"And knowing is why I regret not joining the computer team as a kid," Alpine goggled.
"I know which group I regret joining," Destro groaned taking a swig of scotch.
"Wait. You're saying you chased after a cheerleader from an opposing team?" Zarana stared at Mainframe.
"It was a mutual chasing," Mainframe blushed. "I had just led our team to the state championships and she had a weakness for computer geeks."
"Wow, I never would have guessed," Quick Kick whistled.
"Gee, maybe I should learn to write computer code?" Vapor mused. "I do pretty well with the daily cryptoquip."
"Unfortunately, her father caught the two of us celebrating our victory in the back of his new car," Mainframe went on. "Why do you think I joined the army airborne when I was seventeen in the first place?"
"Alright! Way to go, Mainframe!" Shipwreck cheered. "You da man!"
"Sicko!" Lady Jaye whacked him on the head.
"But you have to admit that's a remarkable achievement…" Cobra Commander added.
"You shut up too!" The Baroness hit Cobra Commander on the head.
"Huh. Interesting," Zarana commented. "Reminds me of the time I was in the drama club the short time I was in school. Didn't last very long."
"Aw, too bad," Mainframe looked at her in sympathy. "Did the other girls act all rude and catty towards you?"
"Nope. I punched all their lights out, gave the male lead a wedgie and swiped all the admission fares," Zarana said casually. "And the leading lady's boyfriend's motorcycle. The leading lady's car had a little 'accident' as I was heading out of town."
"Some accident," Zartan snorted. "She drove that thing right into the swamp and it was never seen again. Too bad I couldn't say the same for the girl and boyfriend Zarana had knocked out and stashed in the car's trunk…"
"Wow, sounds like my first time in battle overseas," Mainframe noted. "That's when I earned my Combat Infantryman Badge. Between it and Basic I transformed from a skinny, pale kid to a hardened, bloodstained veteran."
"Oh really?" Zarana leered at him. "And are you still 'hard' all over?"
"You know from experience," Mainframe smiled back. "Every time we've met up."
"I am not listening! I am not listening! La, la, la, la, la!" Roadblock covered his ears.
"Yikes, talk about too much information," Low Light winced.
"WHAT?!" Zartan yelled. "That stinking Joe! I'll kill him!"
"If Zarana doesn't kill you first," Lady Jaye quipped shooting a look at Shipwreck. "What? No chants or cheering on Mainframe for hooking up with Zarana?"
"Nope, not this time," Shipwreck held up his hands. "Even I have standards."
"Since when?" Sci-Fi asked.
"I tell you, my ex-wife sure was shocked to see the big side of beef I'd turned into when I got back," Mainframe continued. "Especially since I'd only been gone nine months."
"Let me guess, she had a big, shocking surprise for you too," Zarana gave him a look.
"Two of them actually," Mainframe admitted. "Non-fraternal twins."
"That's a big shock," Short Fuse blinked.
"Ooh," Blood Wing winced. "That's a surprise you never want to get."
"What a shame," Tomax shook his head.
"Those poor, deprived kids," Xamot agreed.
"Sounds more like those two brats dodged a bullet," Destro quipped.
"Huh, just like me and Zandar," Zarana mused. "Maybe I should meet your kids sometime. Give 'em a few pointers."
"Yeah, like knives, arrows and other weapons they can use on each other," Flint groaned. "Not to mention Mainframe."
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Beach Head grumbled as he casually brushed off some stray feathers from his uniform.
"Anyway, I got married and left the army as soon as my enlistment was up in order to support my new family," Mainframe continued. "I used the G.I. Bill to earn my degree from MIT in order to make some serious big bucks."
"How? By doing a stint toiling in the antiseptic corridors of Silicon Valley?" Zarana drawled sarcastically.
"That too," Mainframe nodded. "But I got my first big break hacking the personal computer and bank account of a suspected corrupt CEO and collecting evidence of embezzlement, fraud and payoffs to abused female employees."
"Wait a minute. This sounds kind of familiar," Quick Kick was heard thinking for a moment. "Wasn't that the infamous Hassler scandal at Lendman Incorporated?"
"Yeah, I remember reading about that," Zero replied. "The guy ran his company like an escort service before being ousted and thrown in jail for life thrice over."
"Wait, we used to do business with Hassler," Tomax gasped. "He was on the payroll of Cobra!"
"He paid us millions to keep his private affairs secret!" Xamot added. "We would have gotten millions more if he hadn't been exposed by the press!"
"I should have known," Duke cursed. "You lousy snakes will work with anybody if they're corrupt."
"And knowing is…" Bazooka began.
"Why so many people become alcoholics," Destro moaned taking another drink.
"Huh, so you were the one who leaked all that stuff about 'Hustler Hassler' to the press," Zarana regarded Mainframe. "Good for you. I never did like that dirty lech. Especially after he tried hitting on me. So I hit him on the head with a paper shredder!"
"Alright," Lady Jaye and the Baroness approved. "You go, girl!"
"Drink?" Cobra Commander handed Duke a flask.
"I thought you'd never ask," Duke took it and drank.
"Then I hacked into his bank account while he was unconscious and stole two million dollars," Zarana added. "Then stole another million and donated it to a woman's aid charity. What? They do good work! And I made a promise to a friend of mine who happens to work for the charity."
"Huh, never thought I'd ever condone the actions of a Dreadnok," Duke admitted grudgingly.
"Then I set his desk on fire," Zarana added.
"That's my sister," Zartan boasted proudly.
"That's why we keep lots of fire extinguishers around our base," Cobra Commander groaned.
"God, I respect that woman," Torch said proudly. "And fear her!"
Low Light sighed. "I miss the toilet battle."
"Yeah," Torch agreed. "That battle made sense!"
"Anyway, it was that hacking job that inspired me to start my own computer security company: Parker's Protection Services," Mainframe went on. "It specialized in protecting computer systems, databases and networks from threats, malware, viruses, hacking and other digital dangers."
"So, kind of a G.I. Joe team for cyberspace," Zarana asked.
"Pretty much," Mainframe shrugged. "Though it was actually pretty boring. Computer viruses were still in their infancy back then. Nobody really knew what they were doing so protecting systems from constant hacks and worm attempts was easy."
"If only it had stayed that way," Low Light sighed.
"Testify," Mindbender agreed. "Ah the bad old days…"
"And I eventually had to sell my company to help pay for my divorce, alimony payments and child support," Mainframe complained bitterly. "My ex-wife took everything from me and continues to bleed me dry."
"How did she do that?" Zarana asked.
"She had a really good lawyer," Mainframe groaned. "Who she ended up dating!"
"A good reason never to get married," Destro muttered.
"WHAT WAS THAT?!" The Baroness shrieked.
"Nothing!" Destro gulped.
"Somebody's in trouble," Shipwreck said in a sing-song voice.
"Shut up, Sailor Boy!" Destro snapped.
"You were married," Cobra Commander reminded him.
"Don't remind me," Destro groaned.
"Is that a good story?" Shipwreck asked.
"Oh yes," Cobra Commander snickered.
"Luckily, the Marines were recruiting again around that time," Mainframe went on. "Though they had questions about my combat qualifications. So I arranged for the recruiters to meet my ex-wife and afterward they decided I was overqualified! So, I ended up back in uniform and eventually on the Joe team."
"Wait, Mainframe is a Marine?" Alpine blinked.
"Well, technically…" Duke shrugged.
"Wow, and I thought I had it rough," Zarana commented. "It wasn't easy growing up with those two troublesome brothers of mine. Things were tight. I even had to work the street for a while in order to get enough food."
"You mean you…?" Mainframe's eyes widened.
"Yep. Stole and looted food trucks," Zarana nodded. "Those things are like cash boxes on wheels. And the food was pretty good too."
"Hey, that's a great idea," Cobra Commander declared. "Cobra should start robbing food trucks."
"We'll have to start running our own food truck if we don't get some more cash soon," Mindbender warned.
"Oh no, not again," Destro groaned. "Our degrading experiences with fast food restaurants were bad enough!"
"Speaking of food," Zarana leered at Mainframe. "Wanna work off lunch and see how effective oysters are as aphrodisiacs?"
"Oh yeah," Mainframe grinned.
"Whoa! Things are certainly starting to heat up," Quick Kick was heard as Mainframe and Zarana began to kiss passionately.
"Caliente," Blood Wing whistled.
"Hey, for a computer geek that Joe is pretty built," Zero commented as Zarana quickly ripped off Mainframe's shirt. "He's like the poster child for a handsome, hot bod computer engineer."
"I'll say," Lady Jaye and the Baroness whistled.
"WHAT?!" Flint and Destro yelped.
"Oh wow!" Short Fuse gawked. "I didn't know Mainframe had a tattoo there."
"And this is starting to get into an R rating," Lifeline groaned. "Sliding quickly into X."
"Okay I get why Zarana wants to date a Joe," The Baroness looked at the Joes. "Maybe…?"
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" All the male Joes shouted at her.
"Well ditto for over here!" Mindbender crossed his arms. "You female Joes don't even think about seducing us!"
"Don't worry Mindbender," Cobra Commander sighed. "They weren't!"
"Never in a million years," Lady Jaye glared at him.
"See?" Cobra Commander shrugged.
"That's because they have the better-looking guys," Blood Wing told them. "I mean look at them and now look at you!"
Torch shrugged. "He's not wrong."
"Speak for yourself!" Xamot and Tomax shouted.
"Please," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "Your creep factor cancels out any hot factor you two have."
"The best-looking dude of all of us was Road Pig," Monkeywrench spoke up. "And he's a chick now. I'm not saying she isn't hot but…"
"WHAT?" Duke did a double take.
"Don't ask," Cobra Commander sighed. "To be fair, Tiffany does look good in a dress."
"Ooo, Zarana has a nice pair of shoulders," Vapor blinked.
"WHAT?!" Zartan shouted. "Hey! I'm so reporting this to the FCC!"
"Hey, watch it!" Short Fuse snapped. "You're violating my personal space!"
"But I wanna watch Zarana and that Joe violate each other's personal spaces!" Zero protested.
"Ow!" Quick Kick yelped. "Quit shoving me!"
"You quit shoving me!" Vapor pushed back.
"Be quiet you idiots!" Short Fuse shushed.
"WHAT ARE YOU FOOLS DOING HERE?!" Mainframe and Zarana yelled suddenly looming over them. "ARE YOU SPYING ON US?!"
"Uh oh," Short Fuse and Zero gulped. "Busted!"
"OH, YOU'RE BUSTED ALRIGHT!" Zarana screamed kicking them both in the face. "YOU PERVERTED PEEPING TOMS ARE GONNA DIE!"
"THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU!" Mainframe shouted punching Vapor and Quick Kick.
"And that's why you never spy on my sister when she's on a date," Zartan smirked. "I lesson my brother and I learned the hard way years ago."
"OW! YEEEOOOWWW! THAT HURTS! HELP! SAVE US! WAAAHHHHHH!" The quartet of co-hosts wailed as Mainframe and Zarana proceeded to beat the stuffing out of them.
"Wow," Zartan blinked. "Zandar and I got off easy compared to them!"
"Hey, this show is finally getting good," Low Light grinned.
"Oh, please tell me someone is taping this!" Shipwreck grinned.
"It's our comms," Alpine said. "It's automatic."
"Sweet!" Shipwreck grinned.
"YEOWWWWWWW!" Zero screamed.
"HA! HA! HA!" Cobra Commander laughed. "I just found my new favorite show!"
"Get them! Get them!" Tomax and Xamot cheered.
"Hmmm, maybe these Joe-Cobra team ups aren't so bad after all?" Beach Head smirked.
"I wouldn't be averse to another one," Destro grinned as he took a drink. "Especially if alcohol is provided."
"YOU BLOODY CREEPS!" Zarana yelled. "YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!"
"NO! PLEASE! MERCY!" Quick Kick and Zero cried. "GAAAHHH! DON'T STICK THE SPY DRONES THERE! AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Now we're definitely in R rated territory," Lifeline sighed. "For violence."
"Spydrones?" Mainframe roared. "You idiots were using us as secret guests on one of your stupid shows!"
"WHAT?!" Zarana screamed.
"AAACCCKKK! HELP! SOMEBODY SAVE US!" Short Fuse and Vapor shrieked in pain. "NO, NOT THE OYSTER FORKS! ANYTHING BUT THE OYSTER FORKS! YAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
"Ouch," Alpine winced. "That's gotta hurt."
"Okay, this is getting a little too violent for me," Zartan looked queasy.
"That's getting a little too violent for Quentin Tarantino!" Shipwreck told him.
Beach Head winced. "I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks."
"Welcome to my world," Low Light groaned. "On the upside it will be nice to not dream about rats in a junkyard for a change."
"YEOWWW!" Vapor screamed.
"I've changed my mind!" Low Light gulped. "I'll stick with the rats!"
"Eh," Blood Wing shrugged. "Actually, this is rather tame compared to some of the entertainment back in the old days."
"YEOOWWW!" Short Fuse screamed.
"Okay that may have crossed a line for me," Blood Wing gulped. "Excuse me, I'll be in that bush vomiting."
"I may join you," Alpine winced.
"This thing is still broadcasting," Mainframe was heard inspecting one of the drones. "Give me a minute to trace the signal."
"Both our teams are probably watching this right now," Zarana roared dangerously. "Hurry up and track them down so we can kill 'em all!"
"You got it!" Mainframe growled. "Right after I find my pants!"
"Uh oh," Zartan blanched. "This is not good."
"No, ya think?" Alpine began to shake nervously.
"Perhaps we should call a truce of our own," Destro suggested to Duke. "Before we all become victims of unfriendly fire."
"Agreed," Duke gulped. "Anyone asks, we didn't see anything and this never happened!"
"What he said," The Baroness turned to Cobra Commander. "That's your cue."
"Right. COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!" Cobra Commander shrieked.
"Joes, withdraw!" Flint ordered. "Quick, back to the Pit!"
"We are so dead," Roadblock moaned as the Joes and Cobras rapidly worked to hide from their enraged teammates. "Mainframe is going to pump us all full of lead!"
"Look on the bright side," Shipwreck shrugged. "Maybe Zarana will wipe out the rest of Cobra herself?"
"I wouldn't count on it," Beach Head grumbled.
"So did we win?" Bazooka asked.
"We'll call it a draw for now," Duke sighed. "Unless Mainframe gets a hold of us. Then we'll all wish he'd handed us over to Zarana!"
"So much for the first Joe-Cobra team up," Low Light quipped. "Hopefully, it will also be the last!"