"You left me!"
The hurt and despair in her words still echoing in his head. The anger and frustration he was feeling mere moments before was replaced with gut-wrenching guilt immediately upon hearing those words. Sandy slammed his hand down on the kitchen counter with frustration. In spite of his vow the night before, he let his anger and jealousy get the better of him. When Kirsten turned away from him that morning, he let his frustration feed his thoughts. Her reaction to Carter's name started a tailspin of emotion in Sandy. A sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach formed as he considered that possibility of something happening between Kirsten and Carter. All day tortuous thoughts filled his head: all those long nights they worked together on the magazine, the trip to Featherbrook, the timing of it all. Just when she needed someone. Someone other than Sandy. Carter appeared. It seemed only natural. Only human, for her to turn to him. And now, that he was gone, she appeared to have just shut down. He was losing her, that much he knew. When he walked into the house, he let it all of it boil over and confronted her. He did not mean for it to go that way.
His head snapped up when he realized that she had left. His blood ran cold when he realized that in all likelihood she had not been sober. He had noticed how slowly and deliberately she rose from the couch and walked into the kitchen. He grabbed his keys and went out the door. He was going to find her.
Kirsten?
Sandy heard brakes, the crunch of metal, and then, the line went dead. His heart stopped.
Oh my god.
Kirsten? Kirsten? He could not stop saying her name.
"I thought I was losing you..."
Their last conversation was echoing in his head as Sandy sat in the emergency room. After driving around in a panic, he had started calling the hospital emergency rooms. Finally, he found where they had taken her. But after arriving almost 2 hours ago he still hadn't been able to see her. All he knew was that according to the nurse in the ER she did not have any life threatening injuries and surgery was not going to be required. That gave him some bit of comfort, but he still wouldn't feel whole until he was able to hold her hand.
Mr. Cohen? Sandy's head snapped up at the doctor's inquiry. The doctor went on to say that Kirsten had been asking for him, but she was on some pretty powerful painkillers so she was currently asleep. As the doctor led him to her room, he explained the extent of her injuries. And the extent to which she had been drinking. Sandy knew they would soon have to deal with the authorities, but for now all he was just filled with gratitude that she was going to be okay. He slowly entered her room, unsure of how she would receive him. Sorrow hit him in the gut once more as he realized again just how estranged they had become. As he looked upon her sleeping form, he could see the huge bruise on her forehead and could see that her left hand was bandaged. He felt tears spring to his eyes as he brought her hand to his mouth for a kiss. God, he loved this woman so much.
She stirred as she felt someone holding her hand and smoothing back her hair. She opened her eyes to see Sandy, his big blue eyes red-rimmed and tear-filled. Immediately, guilt consumed her as she began to realize what she must have put him through. What had she done? It all seems almost silly now. Looking into his eyes, she knew in her heart that he loved her. How could she have doubted that? Looking at the man smiling at her and whispering to her, thank God you're okay. I love you so much baby. She knew she loved him too. For the first time, in a long time, she no longer felt numb and felt a rush of love for the man holding her hand. Tears started falling from her eyes as she whispered back, I'm so sorry, Sandy. I love you too.
Kirsten was lying on their bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to sleep. Since coming back from the hospital, it almost felt like that last four months hadn't happened. Except for the pounding in her head and the fact that she couldn't use her left hand. Sandy was being super attentive, taking off from work to take care of her. When he was in the room, he could not not touch her. It was as if he needed the constant reassurance that she was flesh and bone, right there next to him. As much as Kirsten hated being coddled she soaked it up. The months of estrangement between the two of them left her starving for his affection and love. Even though he was there that whole time offering, she had refused it. Shut him out. It was how she dealt with things. Just removing herself from the situation. Finally admitting to him how scared she was when she thought she was losing him was enough to bring those walls down. Slowly but surely she felt herself opening up to him and letting him in.
She knew he was deeply worried about her and her drinking. It was so unnecessary; she didn't have a problem. Granted, it definitely got a little out of hand the night before, but only because of their confrontation. Normally, she would have never driven after drinking. And maybe she had been depending on the numbing affects of alcohol to deal with life a little too much lately, but she could stop. And if Sandy needed proof, then she could get rid of all the alcohol in the house. She didn't need it.
Kirsten shut her eyes and tried to ignore the growing anxiousness in the pit of her stomach.
Kirsten stood shaking in the kitchen as she heard her father leave. Her heart was pounding and the adrenaline from their fight was still coursing through her body. The anxiousness in her grew and all she could think about was the vodka that she and Sandy had poured down the sink earlier. She started racking her brain for some she may have forgotten to get rid of, but then Sandy walked in and wrapped her in his arms. It'll be okay baby. You know these tiffs with your father blow over. Kirsten closed her eyes and tried to relax in his arms even though she had a sinking feeling that this was one argument that would not be okay. She tried to ignore her father's words that were repeating themselves in her head. Her mother was an alcoholic. Kirsten knew deep down that her father was right. She tried to ignore it, deny it, and she never acknowledged it. One of many things the Nichol family never talked about. She buried her face in Sandy's shoulder as she tried to quell the anxiousness that was growing in the pit of her stomach. She tried to ignore the fact that all she wanted was a sip of vodka to make her forget the mess of her life.
"What are we gonna do with you?"
Kirsten froze at the question and looked at her husband. Sandy had changed from the person she left to take a bath just half an hour before. She suddenly saw her purse and realized what he must have found in there. Instantly, she felt her defenses go up and started feeling anger and resentment for not being trusted.
"Right now I feel more like your dad than I feel like your husband." His words repeating themselves in her brain as he went to answer the phone. She couldn't believe that he uttered them, is that really what he thought? He has blown this drinking thing so out of proportion. She could stop but on her terms.
The tone of his voice when he answered Julie jolted Kirsten out of her thoughts, and with a sick sense of dread, she knew something awful happened. Immediately, she thought of her father and their parting words. Her heart started pounding in her ears as she heard Sandy's side of the conversation. The stricken look that Sandy gave her when he hung up was enough for Kirsten to know what he was going to say. And just like that, Kirsten disappeared in her shell. Sandy could almost see it happen. He tried to reach out to her, but she shrank away. Unable to process anything, the only thing Kirsten could think about was the vodka bottle on the kitchen table. All she knew was that bottle would mean the end to the ringing in her ears. An end to the guilt eating up her insides. An end to the gut-wrenching realization of never being able to take back her words and make it okay.
As Sandy watched her walk away, he never felt more afraid for her. His heart wanted to reach out to her and take away some of the pain he saw etched on her face. It hurt him that she didn't want any of it. His touch was no longer a source of comfort. Alcohol was. And that shook him to his very core.
He approached their bedroom with a sense of dread, not really knowing what to expect. He found her lying on her side. The now empty vodka bottle open on the nightstand. He knelt next to her. She rolled over so that she was no longer facing him and started speaking in a monotone voice, we'll have to make arrangements. He really liked the church he and Julie got married in. We need to tell the boys. There's nothing we can do at the moment, so I'll start in the morning. With that, she fell silent and closed her eyes.
His heart broke for her. Her complete silence and withdrawal scared the shit out of him. He wanted so badly to hold her, help her. He decided then that he had to do something. She may end up hating him, but at least she would get the help she needed.