If You Try to Race a Hedgehog (Sonic)
If You Try to Rob an Echidna (Knuckles)
If You Try to Hire Detectives (Chaotix)
If You Give a Hedgehog a Gun (Shadow the Hedgehog game)
If You Add a New Cat (Sonic Rush)
"And now, I bring you the next insult to the Sonic franchise. A masterpiece, if you will!"
"Let's not get carried away, boss."
"QUIET, FOX!"
If You Give Them Hover Boards
"The rage I feel right now is insurmountable!" I yelled at my fox creation. Endigo just sighed.
"What is it now, boss. Realizing how wrong it was to get Big arrested like you did?"
"Nononononono, I've made peace with that. I'm talking about the latest horror to besmirch the Sonic World. This so called Sonic game, Sonic Riders."
"Um, what's the big deal? It looks like a decent racer."
"Well, people thought Shadow would be a decent shooter, but look how that turned out."
Endigo laughed out loud. " What are you talking about! NOBODY thought Shadow would be a good shooter. The -only good shooting going on was the needles in the arms of the guys who came up with the game play for said game!"
"Dude, that's just cold, even for one of my stories."
"Oh, whatever." Endigo scoffed. "So, what are you going to do about it?"
"An 'If You' story entitled 'If You Give Them Hover Boards.' In fact, we're in it right now."
"Um, just to clarify, they're called AIR boards."
"Shut up, and prepare for cause and effect!"
If You Give Them- Oh, You Get It By Now.
If you give them hover boards, they'll have them.
If they have them, you'll start to wonder who exactly 'they' are.
If you wonder this, Stan Marsh of South Park will show up to tell you to not rip off his joke.
If this happens, you'll go back to the hover board users.
If you go to them, you'll see a trio of freaky looking birds.
If you see the creepy birds, they'll suggest a trip to Disney Land.
If you go to Disney Land, you'll get on a roller coaster.
If you get on the roller coaster, you'll have a premonition of it crashing.
If you see that, you'll get the freaky birds off with you.
If you get off, Death will come to… get… you.
"ENDIGO! Why'd you write the premise for Final Destination 3 in my rough draft?"
"Cause it's a kick ass movie!"
"It's a freaking blood bath! There's no story to it!"
"You act like any horror movie has a story."
"Can I just get back to my story?"
"Fine."
If you go to Disney Land, you'll meet Mickey Mouse.
If you meet Mickey, he'll make you laugh at his high pitched voice.
If you laugh, he'll get angry.
If he gets angry, he'll turn into the MICTOPUS.
If he becomes Mictopus, the hawk of the three birds will attack out of instinct.
If he does this, Mictopus will strangle him.
If this goes down, his teammates will attack with their hover boards.
If they attack, they'll burn the Mictopus' flesh.
If Mictopus burns, Beck will hear the sound.
If Beck hears it, he'll want to make a song about it.
If he makes the song, he'll call Babylon Burning.
If he calls it that, a tour will be based around it.
If there's a tour, you'll get to meet the great ska band Five Iron Frenzy.
If you meet FIF, they'll try to kidnap the birds for their own songs.
If they do this, you'll call on your old friend.
If you call on your old friend, it'll be the gimp hedgehog from the fourth story.
If he comes, you'll shoot him as a sacrifice to summon Reel Big Fish.
If RBF comes, they'll turn into a war robot.
If they become said robot, you'll chase FIF down.
If you chase FIF down, they'll transform into a giant pink bunny.
If this happens, the two will do battle.
If they do battle, the birds will EXPLODE!
"Well, that makes perfect, freaking sense."
"Quiet, fox."
If they explode, their wings will give birth to offspring versions of themselves.
If this happens, the hawk bird will return.
If the trio is back together, they'll kill the FIF bunny for an unholy feast.
If they have the feast, they'll feel fat.
If they feel fat, they'll want to do some exercise.
If they want to exercise, they'll prefer to do extreme sports.
If they prefer this, they'll ask you for hover boards.
And if you give them hover boards…
"Bam. Print and cut. I am, as Dane Cook would say, a BAMF."
"To be correct, you're more of a DALB."
"What's that?"
"A dumb ass little bitch."
"Closer and closer to your own homicide, Endigo."
"Word."
THE END