Disclaimer: I own nothing!

"long story short" by Taylor Swift
And I fell from the pedestal
Right down the rabbit hole
Long story short, it was a bad time
Pushed from the precipice
Clung to the nearest lips
Long story short, it was the wrong guy

RPOV

Hi. This is Nessie. We met earlier on the plane. Is your offer to meet up for a drink still on the table?

Ugh, no.

I erase the text message as quickly as I typed it out because it sounds like a business transaction instead of a casual message. I don't know how to do any of this. Frankly, I don't even know if I want to hang out with some random guy I met on a plane.

But, fuck, I have to do something.

I've been pacing my hotel room for an hour. I can't sit still. I don't know what I was thinking – leaving my lonely home in Washington just to be alone in a damn hotel room. Things will be better once I get to Asunción tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll feel less antsy.

But I have to get through tonight first. And I can't sit inside my hotel room alone for another second.

I scowl at my phone and try again: Hey, Steven! This is Nessie from the plane earlier.

I press the little arrow to send the message before I chicken out for the hundredth time. I toss my phone on the bed and start pacing again.

If Steven doesn't respond, I'm still going out. I'm not sure where, but anywhere is better than staring at the weird green and red wallpaper in here while I attempt to control my racing thoughts.

My head is a terrifying place to live right now. I've built up a lot of walls around the most traumatic things – the things that, if I think about them, I have a panic attack. And the only thing that gets me through a panic attack is… Jacob.

I close my eyes at the thought of him and force myself to take a deep breath to refocus. Distraction. I need distractions. What do normal people do when they are trying to divert their focus from their problems?

It seems like vampires are really good at compartmentalizing things and not dwelling on past emotional heartache once it's over. Unluckily for me, I think my brain and emotional capacity is identical to that of other humans. Heightened senses, strength, speed… I got all the physical things in lower capacities, but none of the emotional or psychological traits.

So, what do humans do when they are trying to distract themselves away from emotional pain? I run through all the humans I know and have interacted with… Alcohol seems the be the biggest numbing agent most humans use. Followed closely by all other types of drugs. Sex is another form of release for most… What else helps someone escape? Maybe reading? Watching T.V.? No, I can't sit still to save my fucking life. I cringe at the idea of trying to sleep later.

My phone screen lights up, so I lunge toward the bed. I unlock my phone and quickly read the response from Steven: Nessie, I was beginning to lose hope that you'd text me! Wanna meet up for a drink? Where are you staying?

I type a quick response, telling him the name of my hotel and that I would like to meet up with him. He replies almost instantly and tells me the name of a restaurant and bar just a block away from my hotel. Obviously, I agree then leave my room as soon as I pull my shoes on.

It's warm outside as I trek toward the restaurant that's just down the street, according to Google Maps. I get there in less than five minutes. A hostess greets me in Spanish and seats me at a small booth near the back.

I just start to look over the menu, which is also in Spanish, when Steven plops down across from me and scoots himself into the booth. He has shaggy dark brown hair, golden skin, and bright hazel eyes. I suppose he's good-looking for a human. I think about the human friend I made in college, Avery. Avery would definitely think Steven is cute.

"Hey!" Steven says with a grin. "You get all settled into your hotel for the night?"

I try to smile back, but I don't know if it comes off as genuine or not. "Yes, all settled. You're staying with your family, right?"

"Yep. My parents made a huge feast of food and all my family – brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins – were there. We always have these huge family get togethers that can get really loud and obnoxious. You are currently saving me from enduring the 'what are you going to do with your life' talk from my grandfather."

I let out a small laugh. Steven is a talker, which I am very appreciative of since I don't feel like speaking about myself. "Glad I can be of service."

"Seriously, I owe you. Any drink you want, it's on me."

"Uh," I say awkwardly as I glance down at the menu. "I –"

"Oh, duh!" Steven says as he gestures toward the list of drinks. "All of this is in Spanish. You probably need help translating, huh?"

I shake my head. "I can read Spanish just fine for the most part, but I've never had a drink before, so I don't know what I should order. Any suggestions?"

Steven's eyes widen. "Never?"

"Nope. Never."

"How old are you? Are you even allowed to be in the bar area?"

I roll my eyes and let out a scornful laugh. "I'm 25. I just grew up in a very…" I pause, trying to choose the correct adjective. "Sheltered family."

"Well, let me walk you through a quick Alcohol 101 lesson, then," Steven says with a smirk. He launches into describing the different types of alcohol and how I should probably order a sweet drink to start with, like a Piña Colada, strawberry daiquiri, or mojito. I tell him I want something kind of strong, so he suggests a Cosmopolitan, which is what I end up ordering. Steven orders himself a beer. Once our drinks arrive, we cheers before taking our first sips.

I wrinkle my nose at the initial taste of the vodka, but as the liquid makes its way down, my body begins to feel warm and tingly. I take another sip and my nerves begin to settle. Whoa. I can see why humans use alcohol to escape. I wonder if my accelerated heart rate will burn through the alcohol quicker than it does for humans.

I'm curious why I never tried alcohol before. I had opportunities to, but it wasn't ever something I had an interest in. Maybe because I never needed an escape.

I ask Steven questions about his family, job, and the town he lives in back in the U.S. He moved to Colorado when he was 19 with his older brother. He's now 27 and currently works as an assistant manager at a grocery store. He has a dog that he hikes with every weekend, and even though they drive him crazy, he loves his family fiercely.

"What about you?" Steven asks after telling me a quirky story about how his dog, Marla, ate one of his socks and had to have emergency surgery to remove it. "I've been talking for the last hour all about me."

I finish off the rest of the liquid in my second Cosmo. Our waitress comes over and we both order a third round. I'm not sure if that's a good idea because my head is starting to feel a little cloudy, but my anxiousness is still kind of non-existent. I'm also feeling… Light. I haven't felt light like this in a very, very long time.

"What do you wanna know?"

Steven finishes his second beer and sets the glass to the side. "You said your family kept you pretty sheltered?"

"That's the understatement of the century," I say with a lighthearted laugh. I shake my head a little and remind myself to focus so I don't say something stupid like, I don't know, how my family is full of vampires and werewolves. Or how I can communicate telepathically through touch.

I often find myself wishing I was just a normal human. If I was, none of the bad shit with Jacob and my family would've happened… I push those thoughts away, back behind the walls in my mind.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere sometimes. I'm not a full vampire, so I often feel out of place with my family. I'm not a werewolf, so that family (if I can even call them that now) doesn't understand the part of me that is a vampire. I'm always the odd one out.

Being different never used to bother me until recently. Until it meant that some of my life decisions were taken away from me and from Jacob. And if there's one thing that pisses me off to end, it's me not having a say in decisions that affect me... I tuck that baggage away again, which is easy enough to do with the vodka relaxing my nerves.

So, anyway, this interaction right now with Steven feels nice – me pretending to be a full-human woman having a drink with someone who might be a friend.

"That bad, huh?" Steven laughs.

"My parents didn't think they would be able to have children, so when I came along…" I shrug. "They mean well, and I love them immensely, but they can be a little extreme when it comes to my safety, I suppose."

"How the hell did you end up here by yourself then?"

"Good question," I say before thanking the waitress for my drink. I haphazardly pick up the glass stem and take a long swig of the warming liquid that I'm growing very fond of. "I sort of ran away without telling them."

I think Steven is going to spit out the drink he just took, but he gulps it down then starts coughing. The cough quickly turns into roaring laughter. I can't help myself and join in with him. I guess it does sound pretty bizarre – a 25-year-old adult having to run away from home.

"You ran away?" Steven asks once his laugher calms. I nod. "Well, I hope I'm not corrupting you too much by getting you a little drunk on your first night away from home."

I laugh. "This is all of my own choosing, trust me. Plus, I'm starting to really enjoy alcohol."

I sit back in my chair and take a large gulp of my drink. I look past Steven's shoulder and watch a crowd of people dancing. It looks like some sort of Salsa dancing. Steven follows my gaze before turning back to me.

He smiles before taking a drink of his beer. He stands up and holds his hand out to me. "C'mon. Let's dance."

I feel a grin take over my face as I finish the contents of my drink, put my hand in his, and stand up on somewhat wobbly legs. We make it to the dance floor, and I have no idea how to Salsa dance, but Steven is incredibly skilled. I follow his lead and pick it up quickly enough.

Soon, the sounds of the music, the swaying of our bodies, and the buzzing of the alcohol combines in an intoxicating way that makes me feel giddy and carefree. Everything is light and fun and easy. Things haven't felt this way for me in a very, very long time.

Steven twirls me before pulling me closer into his body as he sways his hips in a rhythm that I match. His hands trace up and down the sides of my body.

I look up and meet his gaze before looking down at his lips. Consumed by the lightheadedness, I impulsively lean in and press my mouth to his. His lips feel somewhat rough, and his breath smells like the beer he was drinking. This feels like a normal type of kiss that two humans might share while dancing.

I pull away and look at him, and he smiles before leaning in to initiate the next kiss. This one is more passionate – a mess of our lips and tongues. We don't kiss in-sync with each other well, but my body is still responding, nonetheless. Whether it's the buzzing and tingling from the alcohol or just the physical nature of kissing, I'm not sure.

"Do you want to come back to my hotel with me for a little bit?" I ask.

Sex is yet another form of escapism for humans, right? I mean, it's the best type of release I've ever had from stress. So, meaningless sex might offer some reprieve, right?

Plus, I can't stand the idea of going back to my empty hotel room alone. In fact, I shutter at the idea. I can't be alone with my thoughts again.

And why can't women experience sexual freedom the way men do? Our society still teaches us that it's more acceptable for men to seek out sex than women. Women are supposed to be prim and proper until they are in a serious relationship, then they are expected to be sexual deviants to keep their partner satisfied.

Well, fuck all of that.

Women are sexual creatures, too. We get horny and need physical intimacy just like men do. And that's what I want right now – a physical distraction and release.

Maybe I'm just tipsy. Or drunk. Or crazy. I don't know the difference, but it's probably the latter.

My body is buzzing, and Steven seems nice enough. I just need more escaping. I need something that feels good. I need to not think about anything except for this present moment.

Steven nods. "Let me just leave some cash for the bill."

We walk back to our table. As Steven finishes his beer, I pull out some cash from my purse and leave it on the table. Steven frowns, but I'm insistent that he lets me pay.

We stumble back to my hotel down the street and quickly make our way into my room. As soon as the door clicks closed, I launch myself at Steven before I come to my senses and realize this may not be the best idea. I wrap my arms around his neck and press my lips urgently to his. He kisses me back with the same enthusiasm.

I tug on his shirt and pull it up and over his head. I attack his neck with kisses before taking my own top off.

Steven puts his hands on either side of my face and pulls away for a second. "You sure about this, Nessie? I mean, we've been drinking. Are you –"

"I'm very sure," I nod, cutting him off. In fact, I feel almost entirely sober again. I guess alcohol does burn out of my body a lot quicker than it does for full humans. "Are you?"

"Yes," he responds before our lips melt together again.

Just sex.

Nothing more.

Physical release.

Escaping.

Living in the present.

Making my own decisions.

Doing things that feel good.

Not overthinking.

Not falling back into that dark hole…

Numbing, but still trying to feel alive so I don't lose myself again – like balancing on a tight rope.

Our clothes are fully off, so I tow Steven toward the bed. He rips open a condom he retrieved from the pocket of his jeans and rolls it on. I push him back on the bed, using a little bit of my vampire strength, and climb on top of him. I want to be in control of this.

"Fuck, you know what you want," Steven murmurs. "That's incredibly sexy."

I lean down and kiss him before hovering my breasts over his mouth. He nibbles and sucks at my nipples.

I reach down and position his erection at my entrance. I lean my hips back, and he fills me up.

This definitely feels different than what I'm used to, but I know how to get myself off, and that's all I'm focused on. I mean, I'll make sure it's good for Steven, too, but he already seems like this is totally working for him.

I reach in front of me and hold on to the headboard with one hand then reach down and rub the sensitive bundle of nerves at the apex of my thighs. I pump my hips quickly, anxious for release to find me.

It finally does, and Steven finishes immediately after I do. We've only been in my hotel room for maybe five minutes.

I take a few deep breaths before blinking my eyes open and looking down at him. He smiles, and I try to return the gesture, but it doesn't feel authentic.

I feel a thousand percent sober as I realize this isn't the man I want underneath me.

A lot of people can have meaningless, carefree sex, but I'm definitely not one of those people, apparently.

I think I'm going to throw up.

Tears cloud my vision. I blink a few times, willing them away. I don't think Steven notices. At least, I hope he doesn't. This has nothing to do with him. In fact, I'm feeling pretty fucking guilty for getting him all wrapped up in this now.

I lean forward so he slides out of me then I swing my leg over the side of the bed and stand up. I quickly walk into the bathroom, close the door, and grab a robe that's hanging on a hook to the left of the shower. I shrug it on quickly, feeling incredibly exposed and vulnerable all of a sudden.

I look in the mirror at myself and a wave of nausea hits me again. My eyes are dark and haggard. My skin looks papery and overly pale. My hair is dull and in disarray. I look sickly. My eyes travel a little lower as I continue examining myself.

I stiffen as my gaze laser focuses on the delicate piece of jewelry that's fastened around my neck – the pearl necklace Jacob gave me for my 21st birthday.

The necklace I just wore while fucking someone that wasn't him.

The tears are rushing down my checks now as I hysterically reach behind my neck and unhook the necklace. I don't deserve to wear it. I toss it in my toiletry bag then collapse onto the side of tub and sob quietly, hoping that Steven doesn't hear me.

I hate myself.

I keep fucking everything up.

It's a good thing I left Jacob and my family.

I'm like the fucking plague; I hurt everything and everyone I touch.

I sniff and reach for some toilet paper to wipe the tears and snot from my face. I need to compose myself enough to talk to Steven so I don't freak him out. I can fully fall apart once he leaves.

But I can't make the tears stop now that they've started…

I hear a small bang outside the bathroom. "Ow, shit," Steven mutters.

A sweet, mouthwatering aroma fills the room, reminding me again that I'm not just a normal human; it was idiotic of me to pretend.

I stiffen and hold my breath.

I can't make anymore mistakes, I can't make anymore mistakes…

When's the last time I ate anything – human food or animal blood?

Shit. Not since yesterday morning. I just haven't been feeling hungry. Not until now, anyway.

That bang from a second ago must have been linked to some kind of injury that caused Steven to bleed.

I lock my muscles into place as my dad's words from our conversation yesterday fill my mind: remember who you are, Renesmee.

My dad, no doubt, must be worried that I'll make the same mistakes he did when he separated from my grandparents for a time all those years ago.

I have to get Steven out of here. I wanted him to leave a second ago, but now he needs to leave before anything worse happens. I wipe my eyes quickly then step out of the bathroom. Steven's half dressed, and he's examining the toe he must have injured.

The smell of his blood feels like a slap in the face as I walk closer to him. My throat aches, feeling scratchy and dry. I swallow and remind myself to stay focused.

"Stub your toe?" I ask before handing him a tissue I brought out from the bathroom.

He takes it from me with a sheepish smile. "Yeah, on the corner of the nightstand when I was getting up."

"Ouch," I say before going back to holding my breath the best I can.

He's barely bleeding, so he puts some pressure on his toe with the tissue for a few seconds before tossing the tissue into a small trash can near a desk. I sit down on the bed and watch him finish gathering his things.

He comes to sit by me once he's fully dressed and reaches into my lap to put his hand over mine. "I'm sorry if… if this wasn't what you were expecting or wanting tonight. I could tell you were spooked afterward."

The tears threaten to start their descent again. "I have someone back home," I choke out before reaching up to wipe a traitor tear. "I… I'm sorry. It's complicated. I shouldn't have dragged you into this."

He squeezes my hand. "Don't apologize. It's okay, I understand. You're feeling lost right now."

"Yeah, I really am."

He gives me a sad smile then we sit in silence for a moment. He finally stands up and makes his way toward the door. "If you're ever in Colorado, let me know. We can meet up again. Just as friends."

I nod. "I will. Thanks, Steven."

"It was really nice to meet you, Nessie. Let me know if you need anything else while you're here." I nod again, then he leaves.

I get up quickly from the bed and open the sliding glass door to let in some fresh air. I turn on the A/C and fan in the room before retrieving the trash bin that Steven threw his tissue in. Once I've waited long enough for Steven to be out of the hotel, I take the trash can down to the reception area and make up a weird reason for not wanting it in my room.

When I get back upstairs, the smell of blood is faint, so I can manage a lot easier.

I curl up on the bed, hug my knees into my chest, and sob. Those skyscrapers I've built up in my mind to keep me safe come crashing down. Who knew sex and the smell of human blood would trigger me to be at rock bottom again? I guess that makes sense after everything that's happened.

My entire body starts to shake as I begin my decline into the blackhole of never-ending emotional turmoil.

I cry because I was foolish and naïve enough to think drinking and sex could take some of my pain away.

I cry because I betrayed Jacob.

I cry because I could have killed Steven.

I cry because I'm so fucking lonely.

I cry because I just want the grief and shame to go away.

I cry because of all my mistakes.

I cry because I feel so out of place in this world.

I cry because I hate myself and don't deserve to live.

I cry and cry and cry until I'm raw.

Until all that's felt is darkness.