A/N: I know many of the nomad vampires in Twilight don't have technology (like cellphones, for example). That's one thing I've changed in this story, just FYI. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

"this is me trying" by Taylor Swift
They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here
Pourin' out my heart to a stranger
But I didn't pour the whiskey

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

RPOV

I'm running through the trees toward the sound of the water.

I just finished off the blood from three jaguars. I was hungrier than I thought. I didn't feel like eating at first, but I can't take any more risks. Three nights ago with Steven scared the shit out of me for many reasons, one of the main ones being that I could have killed him.

I shake my head to be rid of the memories before letting the shame consume me.

Zafrina and Senna said they'd meet me near the waterfall. Kachiri was heading further into civilization to hunt.

I make it through the trees and stop at the foot of the water. I look up overhead at the large waterfall before my gaze goes to the break in the trees. The bright sun sends a wave of panic through me. I'm momentarily stunned by the rush of adrenaline that floods through my nervous system, locking me in place and sending me into a tailspin.

Jacob screaming my name in terror, too much blood, trees whirling past me, bright white lights, feeling numb…

I swallow and hug my arms around my torso. When will these panic attacks come to an end? Will they ever? Anytime something remotely similar to… those nights comes into my senses, my body goes rigid with terror.

A hand rests on my shoulder, startling me. I whirl around, preparing to fight off the threat, but my vision is instantly cut off, and I'm seeing images of an ocean.

"It's just me," Zafrina says before reining in her power and giving me my normal eyesight back.

My breathing is rapid due to the fright from Zafrina. When I meet her gaze, she's staring back at me skeptically. "You know, your father called me before your arrival."

I wouldn't have expected anything less, but I'm still annoyed. I just nod and turn away from her, focusing my gaze on the waterfall several yards away. The mist sprays against my face and feels somewhat grounding.

"He told me you've been going through some hard times as of late, but he didn't offer any other details." I swallow and give her a stiff nod but say nothing else.

I, somehow, managed to drag my ass out of my hotel a few days ago and get on my flight to Asunción, Paraguay. I've been exploring the Pantanal wetlands and rainforest for the last two days with Zafrina, Senna, and Kachiri. I'm staying in a hotel nearby just at night since the Amazon coven is somewhat feral and without the shelter and accommodations that I need as half human.

Senna pops up discreetly from behind a tree, keeping a close eye on Zafrina. Upon getting here, I found out that they aren't sisters; they are mates and love each other fiercely. I must not have picked up on their connection when I was younger. Senna's not much of a talker, but she always appears as wise and intuitive to me.

"Is that why you came here, sweet child?" Zafrina asks. "To run away from whatever heartache troubles you?"

I finally turn to her but still say nothing because the words are too jumbled in my brain. "I…" I clear my throat and try again. "I didn't know what else to do."

Zafrina reaches for my hand and holds it to her cheek. "Show me what distresses you."

I shake my head. "I can't… I can't think of it… I…" My heart starts racing, and I'm feeling panicky again. I try to focus on my breath as I wrap my arms around myself protectively.

Senna swings from a branch and lands to the side of Zafrina and me. She puts her hands on either side of my face and forces me to make eye contact with her. She takes in a long, audible inhale, gesturing for me to copy her by widening her eyes slightly and giving me a small nod. I follow the pace of her breathing and slowly begin to drop back into the present moment.

"You need discipline." Senna says before dropping her hands. "You can't allow these past fears to consume you. You will lose yourself to them."

"Teach her, Sen." Zafrina says to her. "You, of all people, know what she may need."

I look at Zafrina questioningly. What would Senna be able to teach me? Does it involve talking? If so, I'm outta here.

Catching my speculative gaze, Zafrina explains, "Senna sees what she calls, 'gaps' in people. She senses others' pain and can identify what may assist them with healing."

"Like a vampire therapist?" I blurt out. I didn't know Senna had any superhuman (or super-vampire, I guess I should say) powers. I suppose there wasn't necessarily a reason for me to have known about Senna's ability all those years ago since her talent may not have been helpful in fighting off the Volturi.

Zafrina starts laughing, but Senna stays quiet. I hope I haven't offended her by my comment. "Yes, sweet Nessie. I suppose she is similar to what humans would call a 'therapist.'"

"You have two gaps." Senna says to me. I swallow as she continues. "Everyone has a hue of energy around them. You, Nessie, used to be bright yellow when I first met you as a child. Now, you're dark gray and have two gaps, or holes, from some type of pain. You're losing yourself to those gaps."

I stare at her for several seconds before choking out, "Can you… Can you see what caused the… 'gaps'?" The idea of her knowing my trauma makes me feel sick to my stomach.

"No," Senna replies. "I can't see what causes gaps. I can just see their size and the shade of a person's energy. Gray is often correlated with sorrow or grief. Yellow, the shade you were previously, is usually correlated with love and contentment."

"But she can see what someone may need to seal the gaps." Zafrina chimes in.

"Can you… See what I need?" I ask Senna cautiously. But as soon as the words leave my mouth, everything around me changes quickly.

Zafrina's arm wraps around my waist, and she hurriedly shoves me behind her. She and Senna are crouched in front of me in protective stances before I can even blink. I often forget how much quicker full vampires can be.

"Someone's here," Senna hisses. "I don't recognize the scent."

I have to strain to pick up on the faint vampire smell. "I don't know who it is."

"Neither do I." Zafrina comments. "Stay here with Nessie, Sen, and I'll go check it out."

Worry crosses Senna's face. Zafrina plants a quick kiss on Senna's lips then disappears through the trees.

Senna and I wait in silence. I want to tell her to go with Zafrina, but I know she won't leave my side even if I protest. Plus, Zafrina's gift makes her utterly untouchable, so I know she'll be fine.

Zafrina makes her way back toward us several minutes later, and a sigh of relief escapes from Senna. "Whoever it was left quickly. Two vampires traveling together from what I could gather. I still didn't recognize either of their scents. They were heading west."

"Do you get visitors here often?" I ask.

"Almost never." Zafrina answers. "Nahuel and Huilen live somewhat nearby, but I would have recognized if it were them."

I completely forgot about Nahuel and his aunt, Huilen, living here in South America as well. I haven't seen them since the scuffle with the Volturi all those years ago.

"Just some nomads passing through?" Senna ponders.

Zafrina shrugs. "Could be."

The pit in my stomach tells me that it wasn't just random nomads passing through, but I'm not sure what else we can do unless we follow their trail in hopes of catching up to them. They seem long gone at this point, though.

"We'll be a little more on guard the next few days." Senna decides. "They were heading in the opposite direction of Kachiri, so she should be fine as well."

Zafrina nods in agreement then turns back to me. "Okay, where were we?"

"Nessie asked if I could identify what she requires to heal her gaps," Senna says. "And I can."

My breath catches in my throat. "What is it?"

"It's many things," she pauses. "Firstly, it's you learning to control these debilitating trauma triggers… You need to practice self-regulation techniques to modulate your arousal levels and bring your nervous system back into homeostasis. You need discipline to ensure you don't lose yourself to those gaps; they appear to be growing because you're allowing them to consume you."

"What?" I ask, perplexed. It was like she was speaking Greek.

Zafrina chuckles, but Senna says calmly, "Tomorrow, I will show you what I mean. But it will be strenuous work, Nessie. You must feel your pain in order to heal it."

. . . . . . . .

After spending a few more hours with the Amazon coven, exploring the beauty of the rainforest, they escort me back toward Asunción where I make my way to my hotel. Before parting ways, Senna tells me where to meet her in the morning.

Once I get inside, I take a quick shower and settle into the bed. I reach for my phone on the nightstand, having left it here while with Zafrina and Senna since I wouldn't get any reception anyway.

My heart thumps loudly in my chest as I see Jacob's contact name flash on my phone's screen, alerting me of a text message.

I swallow and unlock my phone. The message from Jacob, or The Sexiest Werewolf (a nickname he dubbed himself in my phone), is short and sweet, to the point, and is everything I needed and didn't need to hear all summed up into eight little words:

I love you, Ness. Always. No matter what.

A whimper escapes through my lips as tears well in my eyes.

I miss him.

Terribly.

Even though it's only been a handful of days since I've left, it's the only separation the two of us have had since I was born.

My chest feels heavy, and I feel sick to my stomach. Is this what a broken heart feels like?

My fingers hover over the keyboard, unsure if I should reply to him or leave him on seen… Would replying make him feel better or worse? I don't want him to get his hopes up that I'm coming home soon or that everything is okay with me, and us, when it's not. But I also don't want him to be sick with worry either.

I close the message and tap on my recent calls. I click my dad's number and hold my phone up to my ear.

"Renesmee?" My dad's voice fills my ear right after the first ring.

"Hi, dad."

"Are you alright? Where are you?" He says at such a fast pace that I can barely pick up the words.

"I'm fine. I promise. I'm in my hotel. I was with Zafrina and Senna most of the day."

"Are you taking care of yourself?"

"I hunted some jaguars today, if that's what you're referring to… Did you know about Senna's abilities?"

"Yes," he's quiet for a moment. "Her gift is somewhat subtle, yet highly effective in fostering healing. Actually, she helped your Grandma Esme after Carlisle saved her. She carried a lot of her emotional wounds into this life even after she was changed."

I respond with a contemplative, "hmm," while digesting that information. I am no stranger to the pain my Grandma Esme's endured in her human life.

"Is Senna assisting you?"

"She wants me to meet with her alone tomorrow. So, maybe. I don't know," I sigh. "Anyway, that's not why I called. I wanted to know how… Jake is doing."

My dad is quiet, which makes me anxious. He finally says, "He's okay… He's been occupied with some nomad vampires that passed through the area almost two days ago."

"What!?"

"The wolves didn't recognize the scent. Carlisle and I didn't either. The pack chased them south until they disappeared into the ocean. No one was harmed."

I'm about to tell my dad how a similar scenario happened this morning with Zafrina and Senna, but I decide it's better to stay quiet to avoid causing him any further worry.

"So… Jacob's okay since he's been staying busy with the pack?"

I hear my dad sigh. "I think he is as well as can be expected, Renesmee. He misses you immensely, so he's not without struggle… Have you talked to him?"

"No," I respond quickly. "He messaged me earlier, but I wasn't sure if responding to him would be helpful or hurtful."

"He will relish in any contact he receives from you. He just wants to know you are well."

That's what I was thinking, but it's helpful to have my dad confirm. "Okay. Thanks, dad. Is mom there?"

"No. She's hunting with your Aunt Alice. I'll let her know you called."

"Tell her, and everyone else, that I love and miss them, okay?"

"Yes, I will, love." I smile briefly at the pet name my dad only uses for my mom and me. Tears cloud my vision.

"I love and miss you, dad."

"You and your mother are my life, Renesmee. I miss you every second you're gone."

"Talk soon, okay?" I sniff.

"Yes. Goodbye, Renesmee."

"Bye, dad."

I hang up from the call and wipe my eyes before taping on my messages again. I open the conversation with The Sexiest Werewolf and type my reply:

I love you too, Jake. More than you'll ever know.

Only a few seconds go by before I get a response: Seth made me go to that grungy diner with him today.

I smile at the message. Thank God for Seth. I'm sure he's keeping Jake from spiraling the best he can. Seth will always be one of the best people I know. I'm just glad Jake's continuing to live his life with me being gone. I was worried he wouldn't be doing much of anything outside of his pack duties. If it weren't for said duties, I'm sure he would have run away after I left.

Tell me you got the chocolate chip pancakes, I respond.

Jacob, Leah, Seth, and I found this grimy hole-in-the-wall diner in Port Angeles a few years ago. We went to a movie, and we were all starving afterwards. We ended up in this diner, afraid that we would get food poisoning, only to be pleasantly surprised by how good the food was. Jake and I made it a tradition to go there every so often.

Jacob sends me a picture of his food, and, sure enough, it's the exact pancakes I was thinking of. Devoured them all within five minutes.

I'm sure it was more like three minutes.

No. Probably two.

You eat like a horse.

I'm bigger than a horse.

Touché, werewolf boy.

The sexiest werewolf boy. ;)

A little cocky, don't you think?

Little cocky? More like BIG cocky, or did you forget?

I chuckle at his sexual innuendo. I, most definitely, have not forgotten how big his cock is… Or how it feels as it pulses in and out of me… Or how it tastes on my tongue…

Fuck.

I clench my thighs together and shake my head, feeling myself blush. I haven't thought about sex with Jake in a long time. It's like that part of me switched off after everything happened. But it feels like it's slowly turning back on now…

I could never forget anything about you, I respond before our fast-paced, lively conversation slows.

We are walking on a fine line – not talking about anything too serious, but still checking in with each other. We haven't had a quick-witted conversation like this in months, though, so maybe the distance is making it easier to rekindle the lighter parts of our relationship.

I watch as the typing bubbles surface and fade multiple times. It takes several minutes before I receive another message: I miss you.

The tears start flowing in a steady stream down my cheeks.

Jacob deserves so much more than I can give him. I wish I knew how to make things better again. I wish I could go back in time and press the pause button to live in bliss with Jacob forever.

But I can't.

And I hate myself for ruining everything.

I miss you, too.

I wait twenty minutes before realizing that our conversation is likely over for the time being since Jacob doesn't send me another message. I am thankful he doesn't because I don't think I can a manage much more. I wonder if that's true for him also.

I plug my phone into its charger then get up and walk into the bathroom. I unzip my toiletry bag and dig around inside until I find what I'm looking for. I pull my long hair to the side and fasten my pearl necklace in place. Maybe I don't deserve to wear it, but it gives me a sense of security I can't explain.

And I need all the security I can get come tomorrow. Because tomorrow I will start whatever healing journey Senna identifies as helpful.

I will figure out how to tackle these demons hiding underneath the surface of my skin.

I will fight through this.

For Jacob.

But mainly for myself.

I have to do the hard work.

I can't run away anymore.

I will figure my shit out.