Disclaimer: I own nothing!

"Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift feat. The Civil Wars
I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said I'd never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said
Don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

RPOV

"You don't have to tell me what caused the gaps, but I need to know what makes them worse."

I swallow hard and look toward the waterfall. I met Senna in the same spot as yesterday – a secluded part of the rainforest near a giant waterfall that cascades down the side of a mountain and pools into a decent-sized lake. The trees surrounding us are extremely large and tall, so only small glimmers of light shine through the trees overhead since it's mid-morning.

I was a little late meeting Senna today. After my conversation with my dad last night, I thought of something this morning. I messaged him and asked if my Aunt Alice was able to see who the vampires were that passed through the Forks/La Push area a few days ago. I was hoping to have an answer to pass the information along to the Amazon coven, but my dad said Alice saw no one, likely because of the shapeshifters' involvement. I still didn't tell my dad about the similar event that transpired here yesterday, but I informed Senna of everything once I met her this morning.

After divulging the eerily similar vampire situations, Senna decided to waste no time with today's "training," as she calls it.

I finally turn to Senna and shrug, still at a loss for words on how to even try to explain the things that activate me without actually telling her what I've been through.

"If you can not tell me, then we will start with something I already know triggers the gaps."

Just as I'm turning toward her to ask what she means, she grabs my hand and starts racing forward into the trees, towing me beside her. It takes me a second to get my footing, but I keep a steady pace beside her.

We run for a good ten minutes in silence. Senna swerves to the right and leaps over a creek before heading toward a break in the trees. I follow right behind her. Once we pass the last tree, we are in a small clearing, and…

The sun is shining brightly due to the lack of forestation.

Shining too brightly.

Too intensely.

I flinch and turn to take off into the cover of the trees and back toward the waterfall. I need the cool mist of the water spraying on my face to ground me…

But Senna has other plans. She grabs my shoulders and turns me around to face her.

I can't remember how to breathe. My chest is tightening… My skin feels sweaty. My heart is beating too quickly…

I wrap my arms around my torso and hunch forward, hoping that will help me locate my lungs and might shield me from the sun's intensity.

The light immediately triggers the memory of the overwhelming pain that was in my abdomen. The pain that was the catalyst to my mistake, making everything fall apart and change for the worst.

Senna pulls me upright. She presses heavily into my shoulders… I'm starting to lose myself, and she's trying to snap me out of it, I think.

I thrash and try to break out of her grip. I just need to get back into the trees then I can curl up and lie down on the cold, wet dirt…

Senna is yelling something to me, but I can't pay attention; I'm in no state of mind to focus as I snap my eyes shut and my body begins to tremble from the stress chemicals flooding my nervous system…

Jacob screaming my name in terror, too much blood, trees whirling past me, bright white lights, feeling numb…

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

A memory starts to surface, and I can't keep it locked up. Senna says something else to me that I cannot hear. Her hands drop away from my shoulders, but I'm frozen in place anyway.

I can't hold myself together any longer.

I can't stop myself from thinking of it…

I remember how I was starting to feel colder and kind of tired all of a sudden as a shiver rippled through my spine. My eyes began to droop, like my eyelids just couldn't stay open.

"Ness," I heard Jacob say my name anxiously. I shook my head slightly and refocused on him and the bright light that shined just over his shoulder. Maybe the light could keep me awake…

I was able to keep my eyes focused for a few seconds before feeling kind of dizzy and faint again. The pain tore through my abdomen and my eyes closed unwillingly.

"Something's wrong! What's happening?" I heard my mom's panicked voice.

"Her heartrate is dropping. Carlisle!" My dad yelled.

"What does that mean!? Do something!" Jacob screamed. I felt his fingers anxiously brush my face. "I'm right here, Ness. Can you hear me, baby? I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

I can hear you, Jake. I'm here. Why are you sorry? This is my fault, I tried to say these words out loud, but I was just so, so tired… I hoped he was able to hear my thoughts since he was still stroking my cheek.

"She's hemorrhaging," my grandfather said. "Edward, get her on some oxygen. We need to attempt starting an IV even though it's difficult to penetrate her skin, and…"

A scream of agony leaves my throat, stopping the memory in its tracks. Senna grips my shoulders once more and shakes me a little bit. She says something, but I still can't pay attention to her words.

I have to get out of here.

I have to run.

I can't do this.

I thought I could, but I can't.

I can't, I can't, I can't…

I'm not safe.

Nothing is safe.

Run.

I have to run.

I whirl to the side quickly to break out of Senna's grip. I thrust my elbow up so it makes contact with Senna's chin then I kick her in the stomach to send her several yards away from me. I book it into the trees and race toward the water.

Running, running, running…

I have to get away.

As soon as I'm back where we started, I strip off my shorts and t-shirt and wade out into the lake. I'm not sure why, but I just need to feel something cold against my skin to stop the panic.

I take a deep breathe then sink underneath the water and drift.

. . . . . . . .

Cold hands grip my upper arms and start to pull me up.

I feel a warm breeze against my face and neck a few seconds later and gulp down several breaths of glorious oxygen. I can stay underwater for quite a while without breathing, but I eventually need to. I think I tested that limit.

The cold hands release me once I'm treading water. I reach up to wipe my eyes before blinking them open. Senna is staring at me with a blank expression. I feel my cheeks warm at the thought of my physical reactions earlier.

"Senna, I –"

"Shh," she shakes her head. "It's good to know our baseline."

I try again to explain and apologize. "But I –"

"Do not feel shame or remorse. You are not in control when you are triggered by the past. You know not what you do. It seems the cold water calmed you, yes?" I nod. "Things that are cool can often snap the nervous system out of a panic attack. We will start here – in the water – with your healing… We are going to start with strengthening your ability to respond instead of react by learning emotional regulation techniques."

I swallow. "Okay."

I'm feeling a little defeated. My methods of escaping didn't work with the drinking and the sex. Senna's methods of triggering me didn't work either. Maybe I truly am a lost cause.

"Your ability… Did you know it does not require touch?"

My brow furrows in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Senna eyes me skeptically and, instead of explaining further, she says, "Focus on your breathing. Inhale to a count of five and exhale to a count of seven. Make your belly expand when you inhale and contract in toward your spine when you exhale."

I do as she instructs, also focusing on the coolness of the water against my skin. After the tenth exhale, I feel… calm. Calmer than I've felt in a long, long time.

"Making your exhale longer than your inhale taps into your parasympathetic nervous system. When you are triggered like you were earlier, your sympathetic nervous system overpowers the parasympathetic, creating a fight or flight response. We just created balance between the two systems with your breath. When they are in balance, you can feel both calm and appropriately energized."

Oh… Oh. That makes a lot of sense. I remember learning about respirations and the nervous system in one of my biology classes. When you inhale, your sympathetic nervous system is stimulated, and when you exhale, four parasympathetic nervous system is stimulated. Senna was having me exhale longer to tap into the rest and digest part of my nervous system.

"Now that you are relaxed, I will explain what happened back in the clearing. If you start to feel anxious, focus on making your exhale longer again."

I nod. "I'll try to stay calm. Please explain."

"I was not touching you when you had a memory surface. I could tell that you needed to get out of the clearing, so I was telling you to run back under the shade, but you froze. I heard your thoughts without your touch. After you screamed, I could no longer see your memory."

Deep inhale, making my belly expand.

Slower exhale, making my belly contract.

Once I feel calmer, I say, "You… You saw my memory?"

"Yes. Without you touching me. Have you ever projected that way before?"

I shake my head. "No. At least, I don't think so."

"It must be linked to emotional charge… That is similar to your mother's gift, in a way. She was able to expand her shield only under stress until she strengthened the muscle of her shield."

I never even considered that I would be able to project my thoughts without physical touch… But, I mean, it does make sense. My dad doesn't need touch to hear other people's thoughts. And what Senna just said about my mom would make sense that I would only now, under stress, be finding out about this new part of my ability. I'll have to think about this more, but first…

"So… You saw my memory?" I ask because this seems most important.

"I did."

I focus on the cold water touching my bare skin and the breeze against my wet hair. "Do you… know what happened?"

"That flashback was not thorough enough for me to know what happened, Nessie. I can simply deduce that some type of medical emergency caused you distress."

I nod, feeling some relief that she doesn't know the details. It wasn't the medical emergency itself that caused the distress; it's what happened afterward. I carry so much shame around what happened that it feels impossible to tell anyone the specifics.

Senna must pick up on this because she says, "The scars of your past do not define you, Renesmee. You should not feel ashamed by your adversities, for they will make you stronger and more compassionate if you practice discipline in taming your responses to them."

Oh.

I've never thought about it that way before… My trauma doesn't have to be a weakness, but it can be a strength? If I can overcome the panic that surfaces when I recall the distressing memories, I will be emotionally stronger… I'll be more relatable and empathetic to others because I will have faced my own hardships?

"Teach me more," I say quickly. "Teach me how to overcome this."

. . . . . . . .

A month passes in the blink of an eye.

I've fallen into a good rhythm here with the Amazon coven. I meet with Senna every morning for "training." I run through the beauty of the rainforest every afternoon with Zafrina and Kachiri. I hunt regularly again, and I even venture into the city some evenings for dinner, to stroll through the local bookstores, or to browse the outdoor vendors.

I'm not… happy, per se.

But I'm living.

I'm not drowning under the surface anymore; instead, I'm steadily treading water.

I haven't talked to Jake since our conversation about him going to the diner with Seth. I've talked to my parents intermittently, but only through texting.

I haven't been able to project my thoughts without touch again, but I also haven't been focused on trying. That potential skill has been placed on the backburner for now.

As I was getting dressed this morning, I noticed one of my favorite pairs of jeans was a little tight. I examined my body in the mirror and noticed the dark circles under my eyes seemed lighter. My cheekbones weren't as prominent, and my hips and breasts seemed fuller, giving me more of a feminine shape again. I looked healthy for the first time in a long, long time.

This morning, Senna said we were going to work on something different. She said I have all the tools I need to calm my nervous system when I'm triggered, so now my "training" is shifting into putting those tools into practice. She said that Zafrina would be joining us to help.

I'm floating in the lake when they both find me and come into the water themselves.

Senna is all business and doesn't waste any time as she says, "Nessie, we are going to work on some titration today. Zafrina is here in case you get flooded with panic. She will step in and show you calming images if needed."

I shift so I'm treading water instead of floating. "What is titration?"

"You are going to slowly move back and forth between being in a calm, relaxed state and being in an activated state where you will think about the events that caused the gaps for a few breaths. We move back and forth between both states. It's like exercise for your brain. Soon, you will be able to manage more and more time in the activated state – like strengthening a muscle."

I swallow hard. Senna and I have just been working on arousal modulation techniques. She hasn't brought up the causes of the gaps since taking me to the clearing.

What if I can't do it? What if I'm a coward that runs or hurts Senna or Zafrina again? What if –

No.

Breathe.

I close my eyes.

I focus on my belly expanding and contracting.

I focus on making my exhale longer than my inhale.

I focus on the cool water against my skin.

I cross my arms over my chest and slowly alternate tapping each shoulder – something Senna calls bilateral stimulation. I feel my racing thoughts subside.

When I open my eyes a moment later, Senna is smiling. I don't think I've ever seen her smile.

"You're ready, Nessie." I don't feel ready, but I trust Senna's judgement. She reaches forward and clasps my hand. "I know it may be hard, but I need you to show me the process that occurs so I can let Zafrina know if she should intervene. We don't have to talk about the memories you think of, and I promise not to speak a word of them to anyone."

I nod slowly, continuing to focus on my breath. Senna recently told me that the part of our brain in charge of language shuts off when we are activated, and that's why I can't speak about the events that caused the gaps.

But I can let Senna see my thoughts about the trauma. She is safe. I'm safe. I can share my pain with her, and she won't see me as weak or pitiful. She won't make me feel ashamed. She sees my past pain as strength.

Using my free hand, I close my fingers around the pearl pendant around my neck; it's the only thing I have to remind me of Jake… The person I wish was here to hold my hand and tell me that everything would be okay.

But this healing has to happen without him first. It was too painful to look at the agony I caused him when I was drowning in my own.

I can do this.

I will do this.

"You're right. I'm ready." I say with conviction.

Senna nods then instructs us to move further away from the waterfall so I can stand without treading water. She tells me to close my eyes and focus on my breath. "Where in your body do you feel the most grounded?"

"My feet," I say as I wiggle my toes against the rock I'm standing on.

"Where do you feel tension when you think about the trauma?"

"My abdomen," I say immediately.

"Okay. Bring your attention back to the calming sensations in your feet as you take five slow, deep breaths."

I do as she instructs, and after my fifth exhale, she says gently, "When you're ready, I want you to shift your attention to your abdomen. Notice what happens as you allow yourself to breathe into that space for five breaths."

I immediately feel my nervous system kick into overdrive. Five breaths. I can focus on this for five breaths. There is an end, there will be reprieve. I can do this.

Jacob screaming.

Breathe.

Blood pooling on the bed, soaking our bedsheets.

Breathe.

Jacob carrying me.

Breathe.

Bright lights in my grandfather's office.

Breathe.

Happiness that turned into grief in the blink of an eye.

Breathe.

"Good," Senna says. "Now focus back on your feet. Tap back into the feelings of calm. Notice the cool water against your skin for five breaths."

After five inhales and exhales, she guides me back into the activation by telling me to focus on my abdomen again.

Trees whirling past me.

Breathe.

A woman screaming in terror.

Breathe.

A man pinning her against a tree as he unbuttons his pants.

Breathe.

The taste of human blood on my lips.

Breathe.

Eyes that are dead.

Breathe.

After my fifth breath, Senna guides me back into my calm state. This back-and-forth pattern continues until I'm staying in each state for fifteen breaths. I never feel too overwhelmed. I feel activation and anxiety, but never terror like I did before. Zafrina never has to intervene.

After multiple rounds of this titration, Senna tells me to open my eyes when I'm ready to take a break.

When I finally do, I'm the one smiling this time. Tears well up in my eyes and stream down my face.

I didn't run away.

I was able to stay in control.

I'm healing.

I'm getting stronger.

Zafrina takes a step closer to me and sweeps her thumb across my cheek. Senna squeezes my hand. "The hue of energy around you shifted; it's still mostly grey, but there are speckles of gold that are weaving in."

That makes me cry harder because it feels like there's tangible evidence of my healing.

Once the waterworks stop, we slowly get out of the water. I start drying off but stop when I hear a rustle in the trees. I spin around to find Senna and Zafrina already in front of me. I watch as two figures slowly come into focus.

It's Nahuel and his aunt, Huilen.

"I asked them to visit when they were free," Senna turns to me to explain. "You feel like an outcast sometimes in your family. Nahuel may be able to provide some companionship – one hybrid to another."

I nod and watch as they make their way over to us. I feel nervous. Except for my brief interaction with Nahuel when I was a toddler, I don't know much about him.

I didn't realize how much I was longing for the company of someone similar to me. But Senna knew. Of course, she knew. This must be another part of my healing that she's identified.

I've never felt like I fully fit in vampires, shapeshifters, or humans. I've never been around other hybrids… I want to be friends with Nahuel.

I want to be friends with someone who's like me.