First Hellsing fic. I own nothing but this cracked up idea…and Alucorpse. Everyone's out of character, Alucard's a damn man slave and Seras is there. Integra likes sandwiches. God help us all.
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Integra Wingates Felbrook Hellsing was in a tad of a problem. When one is but a child and being pursued by ones' devil uncle, one finds oneself in a predicament.
The tiny girl was being herself, which was an oddly well mannered yet oddly courageous little creature. A Hellsing never showed fear.
"Don't think I won't kill a little girl" her uncle sneered as her fingers entwined around the doors' handle. Bang! The gun shot and Integra fell, fresh blood leaking down the injured arm.
And then she looked over. In the corner was a rather dried up corpse.
Was this what her father had found for her to save her? Ohh, bullshit, she'd been cheated out of a good Christmas present.
So she turned and looked. But the corpse was moving. So Integra did the first thing she could think of.
"CORPSEY!" she yelled. And the freaky-ass dead thing was alive and kicking the ass of all who dare oppose a Hellsing.
"Is it you who disturbs my rest?" the gravelly voice asked, staring her down.
Integra felt the need to cower and die, but, as per usual, she ignored it. And instead squared off with the seven foot corpse.
"Who do you think you are, Corpsey?" the child asked haughtily. The vampire seemed rather taken aback.
"My name is Alucard"
"Corpsey"
"Alucard"
"Corpsey"
"A. Lu. Card."
"Cooooooorpsey!" the rather brave Hellsing sang, grinning. The corpse rolled its' eyes and stalked off, muttering.
"…..damn kids" the annoyed Nosferatu grumbled.
"Damn corpses" the far too quick Hellsing shot back.
"Damn stupid little girls who can't handle themselves"
"……" Integra thought for a moment, "damn corpses"
"Can't we just stop this now?"
"….No, I'm right and you're wrong. For I am" she raced upstairs and returned with a stool, hopping on it to glare Alucard in the nose for it was as far as she could reach, "Integra Wingates Felbrook Hellsing, leader of the Hellsing organization and I am ALWAYS RIGHT!"
"…..little girl, you're not tall enough to argue with me. The height limit is here" and with that, he poked her in the forehead and caused her to fall flat on her ass off the stool.
"Bad corpsey! BAD BAD BAD CORPSEY!" the infuriated girl growled, glaring.
He just smirked and stalked off into the house, amused yet annoyed.
"Come baaaaaaaack Cooooorpseeeeeeey!" God, the English accent just ruined it.
"…." Paying no attention whatsoever, Alucard just shrunk into the shadows haughtily, feeling no need to answer to the Hellsing brat until she proved herself a bit more worthy of his presence.
'Corpsey. Lotta guts on that child, calling me that. She's so obviously a Hellsing, only a Hellsing would insult me like that….my new name is terrible'
Five hours later
Alucard wandered about the mansion but, he had made a vital error. His puppy form was just ever so dangerous and intimidating…well, let's put it this way. He'd just spent two hours playing fetch with a tennis ball with little Integra.
So the tired dog wandered around the huge estate, growling curses.
"COOOORPSEY PUPPPPPYYYY!" Integra smiled broadly, "you simply must meet my friend! She has a doggie too, you can make friends!"
"….woof"
"Come on Corpsey Puppy" and with that, he yelped as she grabbed at his collar and dragged him outside.
Her friend was just some girl she'd probably poked one day and apologized too. In short, he didn't care.
"Ohh, is that your dog?" the girl said distastefully, eyeing the eight-eyed freak mutt.
"Woof" he said blankly, sounding SO enthusiastic.
"Mmmhmm. My puppy's better than your puppy" Integra smiled, patting the floppy-eared freak puppy.
"Yeah…well…it has eight eyes. It's a freaking weird puppy" the girl commented. Integra glared, bright blue eyes malevolently boring into her 'friend'.
"Corpsey Puppy. Teach her puppy a lesson" Integra smirked.
"With pleasure, master" in a second, the 'friends' puppy had been consumed whole by the freak puppy and Integra's little buddy was both astonished and offended.
"You-You're freak dog ate my puppy!"
"My Corpsey Puppy is no freak dog" a cat fight ensued in which there was much yelling and pulling of hair. Alucard watched while digesting his lunch.
"Yes he IS!" ohh no, now it was going to start. The rich girl fight.
Pause. There is only one way to describe the rich girl fight. My (insert word normal people with less money than Integra could never afford) is better than yours. No, my (Insert word normal people with less money than Integra could never afford) is better!
Okay, play now.
"MY CAR IS NICER!"
"MY CAR IS AMERICAN!" Integra smirked, hands on her hips and staring into her friend's face.
"MY DOG IS DEAD!" And with that, the girl burst into tears and began screaming.
"My dog has been dead…" Integra blinked, "anyway, I have a corporation!"
The girl instantly stopped crying to continue their bitch-war.
"I'm getting one! You just got one because you're daddy died! I have a daddy!"
Integra's eyes suddenly lit up and she looked to Alucard.
"I have a corpse"
Bam! Puppy Alucard was tall and intimidating and scary ass corpse-u-card now.
"Master?"
"Destroy"
And with much happiness, the Nosferatu tore the 'friend' into bite sized bits and threw them into the nearest waste receptacle.
Giggling malevolently, the young Integra walked back into the house and proceeded to make herself a sandwich.
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End chapter one. Retardation fun! Wheeeee! Meow. Revieweth pweezles!