Disclaimer: I own nothing!

"peace" by Taylor Swift
And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences
Sit with you in the trenches
Give you my wild, give you a child
Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other
Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother
Is it enough?

But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west
I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best
But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me

RPOV

"Push harder. You are holding back," Senna says calmly. "You are afraid of your own talent."

I let out a groan then focus on taking a few deep breaths. I told Senna a few days ago I wanted to travel with Nahuel and Hulien back to their home on the outskirts of Chile soon, so she and I have been going full force on my "training," all week which now included me attempting to expand my power.

Today's lesson was no different, except she was being more assertive. We've been focusing a lot on feeling where my power is inside of me and how I can expand it. Senna is being insistent that I can project my thoughts without touch if I just try hard enough, but I'm beginning to feel skeptical.

"Maybe it's something I can only do under distress," I pant, feeling exhausted from pushing my mind so intensely. I clasp my hands behind my head and walk in a lazy circle, trying to combat the exhaustion.

"Perhaps." Senna tilts her head to the side as she studies me for a moment. "You know, one of your gaps is almost completely closed, but the other seems to be healing slower. The grey energy hue around you has nearly dissipated as well; you are a golden yellow today."

"That's good, right?"

"Those are significant signs of healing, Nessie. But if you can only project your thoughts under distress…" She trails off for a few seconds. "What is preventing the larger gap from healing? What is hindering its progress?" These seem to be rhetorical questions because Senna appears pensive and closes her eyes, like she's trying to concentrate on me to figure out the answer.

If I have to guess, I can probably identify what caused both of the gaps, and which one is being stubborn. I can also guess why it's not healing as easily but hearing Senna's insight on the matter seems easier than telling her my conclusions. So, I stay quiet until she opens her eyes.

"It's the shapeshifter mainly," she says matter-of-factly. "You've done most of the restoration you can for yourself, but the remaining hurt is between both of you; you need to repair your relationship with him before moving forward in your healing… Aside from him, you also need to feel some security and confidence in who you are; you still feel a lot of shame," she pauses. "And the best way to overcome shame is through vulnerability."

I swallow hard and feel tears pool in my eyes at her words. She's right, and it's partially what I was already thinking. I sniff and reach up to wipe a tear that runs down my cheek. Although I'm definitely not feeling flooded and panicked like I did in the bright clearing a month and a half ago, I still feel sad.

Senna just reminded me about the worst part of everything – the fact that Jacob and I share the same pain, so I have no idea how to heal and move forward with him, especially since I'm the one that caused the mutual agony. And she's right – I'm still harboring so much guilt and shame that I can't even speak the words out loud about what's happened.

As I reflect on what Senna said, I feel a subtle tug inside my chest. I close my eyes and focus on it. I immediately feel my power thrumming away, like it's waiting to be utilized, waiting to protect me. I feel this small vibration every time I touch someone and share my thoughts and images with them, but it feels different now…

The more I focus on it, the more intense it begins to feel. I take a few minutes to really notice the sensation, trying to fully grasp and understand how to wield the growing energy on my own command. Senna's a mastermind; asking me about my pain has, unsurprisingly, given me a tighter grasp on my ability.

"I think I can do it," I say, taking a deep breath. I blink my eyes open. I feel my power pulsing through my veins; it's everywhere, not just in my chest. It feels intoxicating, but light and tingly. As I focus on Senna, I send a tether from my mind to her own. I'm not sure how I do it, but it's like an innate knowing.

Once the tether is established, I gasp softly because I think I can hear Senna's thoughts: She's going to do it this time, I can feel it. If only she can continue practicing so she can utilize her gift without being distressed…

Whoa.

I send a thought along the tether to her: I think I am doing it, Senna. Can you hear this? I just heard your thoughts, and I hope I can master my skill without having to feel intense emotion, too.

Senna jerks back quickly, startling me. I feel the tether snap back into me, the connection between us breaking. "Did you hear me?" I ask.

"Yes, but…" Senna's eyes are wide. "It wasn't your voice that I heard, Renesmee."

My brow scrunches in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not sure," Senna admits skeptically. "Can you do it again?"

I nod and refocus on feeling that exhilarating, buzzing energy thrumming first in my chest, then commanding it to spread throughout my body again. I gaze at Senna and create the connection between us once more; it's like a rope between both our minds. I hear her thoughts again: If Renesmee did what I think she just did, her power is much vaster than we were originally anticipating. I can't wait to tell Zafrina. She will find Nessie's gift fascinating…

I respond to her like I did before, sending my thoughts down through the rope-like bond that feels like it's holding Senna's mind captive: I think I hear your thoughts again, Senna. And I agree; it will be interesting to see Zafrina's reaction to this new part of my ability.

Senna's eyes widen. It's not her voice that I hear when she speaks to me; it's my own. She can't just project her thoughts, she can manipulate other people's thoughts. With some practice, she'll be able to do it without the other person even noticing.

It's my turn to semi-panic this time. I take in a sharp breath and feel the connection sever due to my lack of concentration. "What were you just thinking?" I demand. "What do you mean I can 'manipulate other people's thoughts'?"

"Nessie, when you spoke to me in my mind, I would not have known it was you if we weren't practicing this skill right now… When I heard you speak, it sounded like my own inner voice, my own inner thoughts; it didn't sound like you, it sounded like me."

"What!" I screech, because I have no idea how to respond to this information.

"Yes," Senna continues. "In a way, this really is the perfect combination of your mother's and father's gifts. Your father being able to hear thoughts on a steady basis and your mother having a shield that she can project or eliminate around her mind… You are able to hear thoughts and project your thoughts to the other person without them knowing; they will think the ideas they're having are their own. Do you realize how colossal this is, Renesmee? You can make anyone think whatever you want them to!"

I'm still having a hard time digesting what she's saying to me. How could my talent have expanded in this way? All my life, I thought I could just show others what I was thinking while touching them…

Now, Senna's telling me I no longer need to physically touch someone to project my thoughts? I can hear what the other person is thinking, and I can interject their thoughts in a way that disguises I'm even doing it?

I can make anyone think whatever I want them to think, which means I can make anyone do whatever I want them to do…

No, no. I don't want this.

This feels incredibly overwhelming and frightening. I don't want to exercise this much power; it feels too intrusive, too vast.

"This doesn't make any sense."

Senna smiles briefly. "What troubles you about this? Don't you see how magnificent it is? You can infiltrate and control another person's mind without them even being aware."

"I don't think 'magnificent' is the correct adjective," I say sourly. "Besides, maybe this was just a fluke. How would I just be finding out that I can do this now?"

Senna's expression turns contemplative. "Well, when vampires are first discovering their gifts, it often takes them time to expand and harness their skills…. They also may not know the full potential of their power until they are under distress. It seems that, for many of us, our power becomes more potent when we feel we are in danger. I think it's a response to distress – our abilities react strongly to try and protect us."

I shake my head, trying to organize my thoughts around this. I need to test it again, see if I can make sense of it all. So, I take a step toward Senna and touch her cheek. I feel that small vibration in my chest as I send her images of First Beach and tell her how it's one of my favorite places back home.

I drop my hand. "Could you tell that was me sharing those images with you?"

"Yes. I could tell you were choosing to show me the beach from your memories."

I nod then take a deep breath. "Okay. I am going to try connecting to you like I did a few minutes ago." I focus on creating the mind link with Senna again by expanding that sizzling feeling inside me.

I stretch my power until the tether is connected to Senna… Her mind feels light and fragile, like I could completely shatter her with merely a thought, taking away her life entirely. Dread fills my stomach at the idea. Maybe that's why this power scares me so much. I push that repugnant knowledge away and focus on listening.

I don't understand why Renesmee seems terrified of this new-found part of herself. I guess most vampires are somewhat afraid of their powers until they learn how to wield them, I hear Senna think.

This time, I try to say something that will blend in with her own thoughts: But maybe she doesn't want this power. Maybe it feels scary to her.

Scary or not, this is a valuable tool she can utilize if she's ever in danger, Senna thinks. If she is afraid of this, hopefully she can overcome that fear in time and realize this gift is part of who she is.

I decide to change the subject to see what happens then. I really want to tell Zafrina about this. Maybe we can end our training early so I can go find her.

After I think that thought to Senna, I turn away from her and walk over to my backpack to get a drink of water from my canteen. I maintain the mind connection with her, but I try to make it seem like I didn't just plant that idea in her head.

Senna imagines running through the forest to the designated area she and Zafrina said they would meet. She visualizes wrapping her arms around Zafrina and snuggling her head into Zafrina's neck.

Yes, I think I want to end our training now because I miss her, I think down the mind-bond.

Then I break the connection, pulling my gift back into me. I thought it would be exhausting to utilize my power, but it's actually the opposite; I feel more alive, like I've been stifling this part of myself for a long, long time.

Senna is eying me skeptically. "Were you inside my mind?"

I nod and give her a small smile. Maybe this new part of me wasn't going to be so bad after all. "I planted the thought of you missing Zafrina and wanting to end training early."

"Wow." Senna lets out an amused laugh. "I never would have known that you planted that idea in my mind if you had not informed me. I really was about to ask if you minded us ending our lessons early."

"So, if we weren't practicing my skill, you wouldn't have questioned those thoughts as not being your own?"

"I wouldn't have even known to question it, Nessie."

I shake my head, still feeling somewhat overwhelmed by this new discovery. "We really can end early, Senna, if you're wanting to spend some time with Zafrina. I need to pack my things to leave tomorrow anyway."

Senna reaches forward and grabs my hand. "There's one more thing I want to do before you leave."

"What is it?"

"We need to go back into the clearing where the sun shines brightly through the break in the trees. You are stronger now. You need to see the healing you've fostered." She squeezes my hand then takes off into a sprint, towing me beside her.

We run for about ten minutes in silence. Senna swerves to the right and leaps over a creek before heading toward a break in the trees. I follow right behind her. We stop right before the clearing's entrance.

Senna turns to me, "Try not to assault me this time, please," she gives me a small smirk before striding into the clearing. "You really are quick on your feet for being only half vampire."

I swallow hard then focus all my attention on ensuring my nervous system is regulated. After a moment, I slowly walk past the last of the trees and into the brightly lit meadow.

I take slow steps until I'm standing beside Senna in the center. I look at her then tilt my head back and focus on feeling the warmth of the sun on my face as I close my eyes.

No panic.

No dreadful memories surface from the bright light.

A smile creeps up on my lips as I continue to absorb the sun's heat.

"Nessie," Senna says softly. I sigh in relief before opening my eyes and finding her gaze. Her eyes are soft as she asks, "What happened to you? What caused the gaps?"

The relief I felt fizzles away as anxiety fills my stomach. I won't allow myself to panic, so I practice all the emotional regulation techniques that Senna's taught me – longer exhale, focusing on the warmth of the sun against my skin, tapping my shoulders for bilateral stimulation, and focusing on my feet feeling grounded against the forest floor.

How do I share my story with Senna? She's been incredibly helpful and kind. I think of her as a close friend now, but I'm terrified of her judgement.

No, I'm terrified of everyone's judgement.

"You are holding yourself to an impossible standard, and you are ridiculing yourself for things outside of your control. Often when we have the courage to share our shame, it provides us with a corrective emotional experience that stops the shame in its tracks. So, when you feel ready, being vulnerable and sharing your story with someone safe may be an important next step."

"How do I find the courage when I feel so sheepish?" I ask, my cheeks flushing.

"Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful parts of us, Nessie… Think about it – you would have never found out about this power you wield without the adversity you've faced," she says before pausing. "But you need to forgive yourself before you can understand that truth."

"Okay, how do I forgive myself then?"

Senna gives me a small smile and tilts her head to the side. "Only you know the answer to that."

I process her words slowly then decide that the first step toward forgiving myself is to, maybe, let someone safe and neutral in. If Senna can still be my friend and care about me regardless of my gaps, maybe I can learn to do that for myself, too…

So, I take a step closer to her, rest my trembling hand on her cheek, and share my story with her.

. . . . . . .

Once I get back to my hotel, I take a nap because practicing to use my power, although elating, also feels exhausting. Or maybe I'm just tired from the stress of sharing everything with Senna. Not that she didn't react well, because she did, but I still felt drained.

After sharing everything with Senna, she simply looked at me with her impartial expression then pulled me into a tight hug. She never said anything; she just held me. As simply as it was, her response meant more to me than words ever could. Being held by her after baring my soul… Well, it felt like I was still lovable and worthy despite the debilitating shit I carried around.

I would never be able to repay Senna for all the healing she'd given me.

When I wake up, I order room service from the hotel's restaurant, do a few loads of laundry, and focus on organizing and packing all my things to leave with Nahuel and Hulien tomorrow morning. As I fold my clothes, I wonder more about my conversation with Senna, specifically about forgiveness.

What does it mean to offer someone your forgiveness? Is something ever unforgivable? Do my actions fall under the unforgivable category?

Senna still seemed to think I was being way too harsh on myself, even after I showed her everything. I sigh as I stuff a pile of folded jeans into my duffel bag.

Maybe it's just easier to despise myself before giving someone else the opportunity to hate me.

Yes, I think, pausing. That's it.

Maybe I don't know how to offer myself forgiveness yet, but I do know that I never opened up to my family or Jacob because I was afraid of their judgement. Because them loathing me feels a thousand times scarier than me hating myself.

That's one of the big reasons I left home – I was so afraid of how everyone would look at me after the mistake I made. And I couldn't open up to anyone about my shame because if they judged me, too… Well, that probably would have completely crushed me.

Senna said earlier that vulnerability squashes shame.

I've been running as far as I can away from vulnerability… But I guess the price of trusting and loving someone wholeheartedly is knowing that they may hurt you when you are vulnerable with them. And on the flip side, not being vulnerable means not having true, authentic relationships.

My mind drifts to Jacob. Is there anything he could do that would be unforgivable to me? My immediate answer is no, but maybe that's me being naïve…

Actually, no, it's not me being naïve. I know Jacob's heart better than my own, and I know that he would never do anything malicious intentionally. I love him unconditionally, no questions asked.

Is it crazy to think that he loves and accepts you the same way? A small voice asks in my mind.

The old me would have said that thought isn't crazy at all. But the new me hates herself, and therefore, thinks everyone hates her, too.

But I know Jacob doesn't hate me, not really.

And I've completely shut him out.

I shove my laundry pile to the side and plop down on the bed after grabbing my phone on the nightstand.

I open my conversation with The Sexiest Werewolf and send a quick message before overthinking it: I'm leaving to go to Chile tomorrow. I don't know if you remember Nahuel and Hulien, but that's who I'll be with… I guess I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I may not be sure about most things in my life right now, but my love for you has never been an uncertainty.

I glance at the clock on the hotel's nightstand. It's almost midnight here, so that means it's about 9:00 p.m. back home. Jacob's usually done patrolling during the day by about 7:00 p.m. unless shit hits the fan.

I sit there, staring at my conversation with Jacob, praying to see those three little dots surface to signal him replying. I wait and wait while chewing on my lip, my stomach in knots.

Finally, I see the dots pop up and his reply follows: I already know that's where you'll be. Your dad told me a couple days ago since you haven't bothered to check-in with me.

Then a second message appears: And give me a goddamn break with the loving me bullshit already.

My heart starts racing as I scrutinize his replies over and over, thinking I must have read them incorrectly. Never in my life has Jacob been angry with me. I've seen him pissed, sure, but it was never directed at me.

But I'm not callow. I know I've hurt him in a lot of ways. He has every right to be furious with me.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't sting.

I swallow the lump in my throat. You talked to my dad? And it's not bullshit, Jake.

Yeah, he texts quickly. Fucking leach dagger shit. Ugh.

What does that even mean? It's probably a typo, I decide.

Huh? I ask.

Not like you care anyway, his next message reads. He quickly follows it up with a ton of very random emojis that don't fit the context of the conversation.

What's going on? Are you okay?

This isn't Jacob's typical way of texting. Something feels off or wrong. I can understand him being pissed at me, but he's texting bizarrely.

He sends a shit ton of random emojis again before saying, Am I okay? HAHA. What kind of ignorant question is that? I'm fucking hurting and you're making it worse, Nessie.

I stiffen. Everything in me turns cold. My phone slips through my fingers and plops down on the white bedspread.

I stare at nothing.

Hear nothing.

Feel nothing.

I don't know how long I sat there, muttering the words in my brain over and over, trying to digest them: I was making his pain worse, I was making his pain worse.

I finally focus on my breathing, force myself to come back into the present moment. I close my eyes and focus on slowing my galloping heart.

I mean, what did I honestly expect? I left Jacob. I was his imprint, and I left him. Didn't all the stories point to how devastating that was to a shapeshifter? Maybe I was naïve to believe leaving would help both of us. Maybe I was being selfish. Maybe he didn't love me unconditionally the way I thought.

I didn't blame him.

I pick up my phone again. No new messages. I decide not to reply to his last text since it's pretty clear he doesn't want to hear from me right now. I don't want to make him feel any worse by continuing the conversation.

I kick my shoes off then shove my laundry pile further to the side. I will finish packing in the morning or in a couple hours when sleep inevitably evades me. I curl up into a fetal position, wrap my arms around my abdomen and let myself softly sob. I'm not overwhelmed by the sadness like I used to be, I realize, but the pain is still there.

Maybe this part of my gap will never be healed fully.

At least I can try to focus on being vulnerable and forgiving and accepting myself. I'm not entirely sure how to do any of that, but Senna seems certain that I will find those answers while traveling with Nahuel and Hulien and if I can eventually make amends with Jacob.

For now, I decide not to think about any of that. I just allow myself to feel sad that I've ruptured the relationship with my favorite person. I just hope that, one day, we'll be able to mend.

. . . . . . .

When I wake up several hours later, I glance at the clock. It's 5:00 a.m.

I reach for my phone beside me, unlock the screen, and see a message waiting from Jacob from half an hour ago: I didn't mean what I said, Ness. I was… Well, I wasn't in a good headspace when you messaged me. I'm hurting, but I know you are too. I'm sorry. Be safe traveling – you're carrying my heart with you.

Then in another message: That sounded cheesy as hell, but it's true. All the cheesiness is true with you.

I smile before responding: A tornado destroyed a French cheese factory.

Surprisingly, Jacob replies immediately even though I would have thought he'd still be asleep: What?

All that's left is da Brie.

Jacob sends a laughing emoji. I wasn't expecting a joke after my idiotic texts earlier.

They weren't idiotic, I say. They were truthful. I don't know how to make things right yet, but I'm trying.

Just come home to me when you're ready. Promise me you will.

My heart twists. Was that really the right thing to do? I know it must be killing Jacob that I'm gone, but when I go home, it's not like our problems will be magically fixed. Nothing can truly fix our quandary.

As soon as I can, I reply, but the unedited version of my message echoes through my mind: As soon as I know what's best for you. And what's best for you might be me staying far, far away from you.