This is by far, the most ridiculous chapter ever I have written. Reviews would be much appreciated, thanks, dears and I'm glad everyone likes!
XxXxXxXxXx
"Master….what are you…doing…up….?" the weary vampire groggily dragged his sad, overworked ass into the kitchen, adjusting his red glasses.
"Mmm…." Integra said in reply, not turning from her spot at the fridge.
"Master…what are you doing?" he asked, slightly annoyed. The irritating yet somehow out of place eating sounds had woken him from his otherwise contented slumber.
"I'm not doing anything, nothing at all. I AM YOUR MASTER!" Integra yelled, refusing to turn yet still.
"Master…turn around…what are you doing? Oh no…. you're not…..not again…" he shook his head; sighing and clicking his tongue in disapprove.
"Nothing, I'm not doing anything. What are you talking about? You're so paranoid…" Integra sounded as if her mouth was full, Alucard instantly understood.
"You've been eating again, haven't you? Just tell me…tell me it's not the 'I can't believe it's not butter' butter," he sighed deeply and rolled his eyes, posture slumping in exasperation.
"Oh my God, it's not butter? Is it…Is it…cheese?" she blinked those big, blue eyes, now turning to face Alucard. Sure enough, in her hands was a tub of the 'I can't believe it's not butter' butter and a spork was stabbed firmly in the middle.
"No, master, it's not cheese," he advised, sighing. His clothes folded and wrinkled here and there, signs of wear and tear from sleep.
"Shut up, Alucard, I need a second opinion," she looked down to the butter, glaring at it, in a set tone she inquired, "are you cheese?"
Alucard's eyebrow went all the way up.
"Oh fine. You think you're so smart, don't you? You're too good to answer me. You think you're just so damn special with your….your buttery goodness and your….your…delicious flavoring…and the fact that your little label says you're not…really….butter, " Integra's hand slid into the kitchen drawer and she drew out a flashlight. She viciously held the flashlight over the butter and, in that chillingly cold tone, she remarked, "we have ways here at Hellsing of making you talk"
"Master-" Alucard was cut off by a snappish sir Hellsing.
"Shut up Alucard, I need to concentrate on the cheese…well, the maybe cheese…the butter…the not butter…the anti butter." She said firmly, eyes never leaving the butter.
Integra Wingates Felbrook Hellsing feared nothing. Nothing, no one, no living or dead being…but the butter was such a bitch.
"Master…go to sleep….you have work to do in the morning…"
"This is work Alucard, every day millions of people die due to the insidious deeds of the anti butter," Integra pointed an accusing figure at the 'anti butter', "You killed daddy"
"Master….your 'daddy' died of a-"
"SHUT UP! IT WAS ALL THE ANTI BUTTER, IT MUST HAVE SLIT DADDY'S THROAT!"
"MASTER! YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MIND!"
"The hell I am, Alucard! Maybe I am the only sane one here, maybe I am the only one that realizes the villainy of the anti butter! Maybe I am the only one that realizes the dastardly deeds it commits as we sleep, in my home, as we sleep in our beds. Our beds, Alucard! While we sleep, it rapes our children and devours our goats. It's the chupacabrabutter! While we sleep, it devours the souls of the innocent and drives men to madness…..it is our greatest foe and yet also our greatest friend," Integra's words continued but Alucard found himself unable to listen. Instead, his mind started playing pinball with itself.
'Is she still talking? What the fuck is the anti butter? I don't understand. How is she so stupid? What happened, as a kid she was smart. I want some of the butter…maybe she'll share…fat chance in hell. Little blonde pig…I love you….I honestly love her…but I'll never say it, instead, I'll give cryptic messages. Goddamn I want that butter…' Alucard thought, tapping his chin with a gloved finger.
"ALUCARD! CORPSEY! ALUCORPSE! LISTEN! LISTEN TO ME!" and thus, she picked up the spork, took a great glob of the butter and shoved it in her mouth, "SEE WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO! YOU'VE DRIVEN ME TO THIS ADDICTION! IT WAS EITHER THIS OR DRUGS!"
"……" Alucard's face read nothing but blank emptiness and disinterest. He was too lost in his thoughts.
"ALUCARD! ….my butter…." thus, the utter had melted into a great lake of yellowish soup. Integra shrugged, picked up the spork, and began to eat like a ravenous, starved Animal.
"….."
XxXxXxXxXx
Silly silly chapter.