Disclaimer: I own nothing!
"Renegade" by Big Red Machine feat. Taylor Swift
I tapped on your window on your darkest night
The shape of you was jagged and weak
There was nowhere for me to stay, but I stayed anyway
And if I would've known how many pieces you had crumbled into
I might have let them lay
RPOV
It takes me a day and a half to get home.
36 fucking hours, three different flights on three different airlines.
I'm exhausted, but that doesn't matter. I'm starving, but that doesn't matter either.
When I finally land in Seattle at 8:00 p.m., I run off the plane with my small backpack and rush through the airport as quickly as possible – maybe a little too fast for a "human," but I'm past the point of caring.
I didn't waste any time packing my things when I got back to Nahuel's house after my mom's phone call. I just threw a few necessities in my backpack and rushed into the city to get a cab to the airport since Nahuel said that was the fastest option. He promised to send the rest of my things to me.
As soon as I'm off the escalator that leads to baggage claim, I see my vampire family waiting.
All of them.
They're all here – my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles…
When my first flight landed in Panama City, my mom called me and said they would pick me up at the airport, but I thought she meant they as in she and my dad not everyone.
Tears cloud my vision, and I choke on a sob as I run forward and collapse in the first arms that find me – my mom's. She holds me tightly as she strokes my hair. She smells like safety and comfort and love.
"Oh, Renesmee," she says through a dry sob. "Oh, honey. You're home, baby. You're home." When I pull away from her, she cups my face, wipes my tears with her thumbs, and kisses my forehead.
The next arms that find me are my dad's. I start crying again as he holds me, his embrace feeling like safety and protection, like I can completely fall apart, and he will be there to catch all the pieces to stitch me back together.
"Yes," he mutters, commenting on my thoughts before kissing the top of my head. "I will always catch you, love. Always."
My Grandma Esme's next, followed by my grandpa, Aunt Rose, and Aunt Alice. My Uncle Emmett picks me up and spins me in circle, his booming laugh filling the airport. Even my Uncle Jasper, who's never really been the touchy-feely type, pulls me into a quick embrace. There's so much love surrounding me, I feel a little overwhelmed and taken aback.
Jacob's not here, so I can't help but feel a twinge of emptiness jolt through me even though I knew he wouldn't be.
When I asked about Jake during one of my layovers, my mom said he was okay, but that he was catatonic – in a state of complete dissociation.
I just want to get to him. Now. I need to be with him.
After the reunion theatrics, my dad, probably noticing my distressed thoughts, guides us all toward the parking garage. We pile into two cars. I ride with my parents and grandparents. My aunts and uncles ride in my Uncle Emmett's Jeep.
Get us home as quickly as possibly, dad. Please. I say to him silently. Drop me off wherever Jake is.
He makes eye contact with me in the rear-view mirror and nods as he peels out of the parking spot and guns it toward the exit of the parking garage.
As if sensing my tension, my Grandma Esme, who's sitting to my left, wraps her arm around my shoulders soothingly. My grandpa is sitting in the front, and my mom is next to me, her hand resting on my leg.
We have a three-hour drive ahead of us. Maybe two-ish hours, actually, with how my dad drives. I'm exhausted, but I don't think I'll be able to relax until I see Jake. Regardless, I lean into my grandma and rest my head on her shoulder. She strokes my hair, so I close my eyes. We are all silent, which isn't uncommon with vampires.
There's so much we need to talk about, and I have so many questions about what exactly happened with Brady, but I can't muster up the energy to start a conversation about anything significant. My thoughts are so wrapped up in just getting to Jake.
So, instead, I practice my mindfulness and only focus on my grandma's hand gently stroking my head. I focus on her comforting scent. I focus on my breathing. Soon enough, without even meaning to, I'm not concentrating on anything at all as sleep overtakes me.
. . . . . . . .
"Renesmee," I groggily hear my mom's voice. She's gently shaking my arm. "Wake up, honey. We're almost there."
Adrenaline courses through me. I sit up quickly. My grandma squeezes my shoulder then removes her arm from around me. "Where's Jacob staying?"
"He is deep in the forest outside of La Push," my dad answers. "I will park on the side of the road in just a moment, and your mother and I will take you to him."
"He's in the forest?"
"He hasn't left since the fight. He ordered all the wolves to stay in their human form and leave him alone then he took off into the woods before…" My mom trails off.
"Before what?" I ask anxiously.
"Before he went into a catatonic state," my grandfather answers. "Dissociation happens when someone's brain can't handle the stress or trauma that's occurring. I think Brady's death was the final straw for Jacob. His brain shut down, essentially, and now he's merely in survival mode."
My chest feels tight, and I instantly feel nauseous. "So, he's… what? Just lying in the middle of the forest alone? No one's tried to get him to go home!?" I demand.
"He won't let anyone get near him, Nessie." My dad answers as he pulls off on the side of the road. "Your mother, Carlisle, and I keep checking on him, but that makes him even more agitated. The wolves can't go against his Alpha order to check on him. He's staying in his wolf form incase the hybrid vampire – the one that killed Brady – comes back. He wants vengeance and is fearful of anyone else in the pack getting hurt, hence his order for them to remain in their human form. We've been surveilling the area, of course," he says, referring to my vampire family. "We wouldn't leave him to fight the hybrid alone if she returned."
Oh, Jake…
I swallow hard. What have I done? If I didn't leave, would Jake be this torn up? He's dealing with so much loss on his own that of course he's in this checked-out state.
And it was a hybrid that killed Brady? Then the hybrid got away? That's odd. There's so many missing details.
As soon as the car's in park, my mom opens her door, and I slide out right behind her. I tell my grandparents bye since they're waiting in the car then I take off running into the forest with my parents.
"There is a lot to discuss, but none of this is your fault, Renesmee." My dad says as we run.
My mom reaches to hold my hand. "Don't you dare blame yourself for any of this."
I shrug. "Just get me to Jake without the commentary, please."
We run in silence for at least twenty minutes. My dad says he can hear Jacob's thoughts as we slow to a walk. "He's just through those trees," he stops and says with a nod of his head.
"We'll let the two of you talk, honey. Please come by the cottage sometime tomorrow so we can talk about everything." She leans forward and kisses my forehead. "I missed you so much, Renesmee."
"I missed you too, mama. I'll see you tomorrow." I respond before my mom grabs my dad's hand. They escape back in the direction of their car.
I take a deep breath as I turn on my heels and quickly make my way through the trees.
When I see him, it's as if my heart mends and breaks all at the same time.
My heart mends because I'm here with him. But my heart breaks because of how he appears. What version of Jacob am I coming home to?
He's in his wolf form, lying lifelessly on the forest floor. His fur is covered in mud and leaves and appears damp from the rain. I would worry he was injured or dead if it weren't for his chest rising and falling with his breath.
I'm only several yards away from him, so I know he can smell and hear me, but he hasn't moved.
Maybe he's asleep.
Or maybe he's in that catatonic state like my grandfather was explaining earlier.
My heart starts pounding as I continue to walk slowly toward him. As I get closer, I can see that his eyes are closed. His breathing is also steady, so he must be asleep.
I want to wake him up terribly. I want him to shift back into his human form so I can wrap my arms around him, snuggle into his warmth, re-memorize his scent, and press my lips to his.
But I'm sure he needs to rest. I can only assume he hasn't slept much in the last two days. So, I'll prop myself against the tree next to him and wait for him to wake up. I'll wait as long as it takes to –
I shriek when I'm instantly pined against the ground. Reflexively, I jam my knee up in defense since my arms are locked down against the forest floor. A loud, menacing growl escapes from Jacob's mouth as my knee makes contact with his stomach.
"Sorry, sorry," I say quickly, not meaning to injure him.
He growls at me again, his expression lethal. His front paws are pressing my shoulders down. He hastily shifts so his back legs are holding my shins down before he hunches forward. His head is only inches from mine.
I know deep down Jacob would never hurt me, but the way he's holding me down, and the look in his eyes… It feels overwhelming. And, quite frankly, I am a little freaked out. What's going on? What is he doing?
"Jake," I whisper. "It's me. I'm here." I desperately wish I could reach up and touch him. I wiggle my arms, trying to get it free, but he's holding them down too tightly.
He just continues to stare at me with that terrifying look in his eyes. I try again, "Jacob, please…" My voice is thick with emotion.
His eyes finally soften, but he still doesn't move. That familiar vibrating sensation in my chest is thrumming away, livelier than ever. The buzzing is aching for me to use it to defend myself, to force Jacob to get off of me. But I'm not going to use my power on him unless I have no other option; it feels like such an invasion of privacy to listen to someone's inner world without their consent.
I feel tears prick my eyelashes. It's incredibly overwhelming to see Jacob like this. Is he angry at me, is that why he's pinning me down? Is he even cognitively present right now? Does he know what he's doing? The look in his eyes is crazed and desperate, like he doesn't truly believe I'm here…
A desperate sob rips through my chest. "Jake, you know it's me, right? I'm really here. I'm…" My voice cracks. My cheeks are wet with tears. I close my eyes and shake my head. This is all too much.
I open my eyes when I feel the weight lift from one of my shoulders. Jacob brings his paw near my face causing me to gasp, involuntarily flinch, and turn my face to the side protectively.
Jacob whines. When I open my eyes and slowly turn my face back, I see pain written all over his features.
I really, really don't believe Jacob would ever hurt me, but he's just so manic right now, and my reaction was automatic. I swallow then reach up with my free hand to run my fingers through the fur on his cheek. "I'm sorry. You just scared me for a second. I wasn't sure you were in there."
He closes his eyes for a moment and leans into my touch. I feel his muscles unclench. When he opens his eyes, he slowly lifts his paw again. He pauses this time, his eyebrows raising in question. I nod at him. The back of his paw gently touches my cheek, wiping my tears. He does the same thing on my other cheek.
Then he moves his legs so he's no longer pinning me down but is still towering over me. He hunches down so his face is only inches from mine. My breath catches, and my heart starts racing. This time, though, it's because of how close he is to me, not because I'm afraid.
A whimper escapes his mouth as he stares at me intently. He seems like he's trying to communicate something with me. "What is it, Jake? Can you shift back?"
He shakes his head then leans forward slowly and buries his nose in my neck. He sniffs from my ear, down toward my chest, along my collarbones, and up the other side of my neck. He pauses, lifts his head, and stares at me again. He places his front paw in the center of my chest and slightly applies pressure. I try to understand what he wants as he stares at me, waiting.
"You want me to stay lying down?" I guess. He nods and moves his paw. "Okay. I won't move."
He nods again then shifts his body. He's still hovering over me, but now he's sniffing down my arm. He sniffs back up, across my chest, and down my other arm.
Jacob once told me how heightened his sense of smell is in his wolf form. He explained how he can pick up on all sorts of things – where someone has been, who they've been around, what they're feeling, if they're healthy or injured…
He said he was most attuned to my scent as his imprint, and that it's incredibly soothing to him. So, I assume he's sniffing me right now to appease whatever innate need the wolf part of him has.
He slowly sniffs in between my breasts and down to my stomach. And, holy shit, this feels almost more intimate than if I were laying here naked.
I sharply inhale at the sensation of his mouth being so close to these sensitive parts of my body. Heat rushes through me, pooling and tingling in my core. I feel myself blush, wondering if Jacob can smell the effect he has on my body from just sniffing me. God, I'm pathetic.
He slowly begins to sniff down one of my legs then trails up the other. My heart is pounding more, as he inches closer up my thigh. I try telling my body to knock it off because now is definitely not the time to be insanely aroused by this huge werewolf.
But it's absolutely no use. Jacob has always had an intoxicating quality that my body undeniably craves.
He pauses at the apex of my thighs, sniffing the most sensitive, intimate part of me. I blush further and stop myself from spreading my legs. I momentarily wonder what it would be like to be intimate with Jacob while he's in his wolf form… Is such a thing possible? I mean, actual sex would be weird, but other things…
Jeez, what's wrong with me?
Now is not the time to think about these things, I scold myself.
He slowly tracks up my body, stopping when his face is inches away from mine. He hunches down so some of his body weight presses into me. The sensation of being this connected with him makes my breath catch.
I reach up and hold his face between my hands. He doesn't look crazed any longer. Instead, he just looks like werewolf Jacob again.
My Jacob.
Emotion wells up inside of me.
Jacob leans down, his wet nose touching my throat again. He presses small licks, what he calls wolf kisses, all down my neck – the tip of his tongue just barely flicking at my skin. He kisses back up my neck on the other side then pauses again, looking at me.
His mouth slowly inches toward mine. Anticipation runs through my veins before the tip of his tongue touches the corner of my mouth and slowly traces along my upper lip… Then back along my bottom lip.
Holy fuck.
It might sound incredibly weird to have your lips lightly licked by a wolf, but I don't know if I've ever been more turned on in my life. Jacob has never "kissed" me this way in his wolf form – he's only ever planted little licks on my neck or cheek.
My body is aching for him as he traces my lips once more. My breasts feel fuller, my underwear feels soaked and uncomfortable.
He lifts his head to look at me, so I clench my fingers in his fur and pull his face closer to mine. He starts tracing my lips with his tongue again. I part my lips this time and slowly connect my tongue with his. My eyes close, a low growl escapes from deep in his throat, and our tongues move slowly together, exploring what it's like to kiss in this new, exciting way.
When he kisses down my neck again, I tighten my fingers in his fur. "Jake…" I sigh. "Oh, god, Jake… I've missed you so much."
He whines, pulls away, and, as if he remembers or realizes something, stops kissing me and steps over my body. He walks a few yards away from me and collapses back down onto the damp forest floor. Confused as to why he abruptly stopped, I shuffle to sit up and catch my breath. His head is resting on his stacked paws, his eyes closed.
I slowly make my way back over to him. His eyes stay closed, and I notice the large tears that are now streaming down his face. Something inside of me cracks at the sight of Jacob lying hopelessly on the forest floor while he sobs.
I did this to him. This is entirely my fault.
When he doesn't object to my proximity, I lie down and curl my body up next to his, so we are face-to-face. I stroke my fingers through his fur, causing him to let out a small whimper. I run my fingers through every inch of his fur I can reach while snuggling into him. Then I kiss his muzzle, his cheeks, his head.
"I'm sorry, Jake… I'm so, so… Sorry." I choke out in-between my own sobs. "I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry about Brady… I'm sorry about killing that human… I'm sorry about… About…" I trail off, not being able to spit the rest of the words out.
He nudges my temple, so I lift my head. He licks at my cheeks, kissing away the tears. "This is all my fault." He whimpers and shakes his head. I swallow and look up at him before whispering, "It is… I… None of this would have happened if my body just worked right."
He whines then lifts his paw gently to my lips, as if wanting me to stop talking. Then he shifts his body toward me. He rests his head on top of mine, and I bury my face into his neck. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" I chant.
Jacob makes a sound that sounds like "shh," so I stop talking and just focus on letting myself cry.
Maybe there's nothing either of us can do or say right now. Maybe we both just need to cry and hold each other. Maybe we just need to take solace in each other.
I cling to him, and as I do, I finally allow my mind to think of the memories I've been trying to stifle for so long. The ones I've been afraid would drown me. The ones I only feel safe enough to think about while I am lying here, tangled up in Jacob's body, because he is the anchor that will help me come back from the drowning if it starts to happen…
. . . . . . . .
20 Months Ago
My eyes shot open as pain rippled through my abdomen. I clutched my stomach instinctively.
Something was wrong. Really wrong. My abdomen, pelvis, and low back were cramping, like menstrual cramps, but the pain was much, much worse.
The baby.
Something was wrong with my baby.
"Jacob!" I screamed in a panic as I pulled the covers down, reached over, and violently shook him. I felt hot tears fill my eyes from the pain and apprehension.
"Nessie? Ness, what is it?" He asked groggily as I felt the bed immediately rustle next to me before the bedside lamp switched on.
I think he saw the horror in my eyes before glancing down and noticing my hands desperately holding my barely bulging stomach. His eyes widened in terror. I peeked down and noticed the cause of his dismay.
The bed sheets were soaked with my blood.
Way too much blood.
"Renesmee!" Jacob shrieked unnervingly, as he scrambled out of bed and frantically pulled on a pair of pajama pants over his boxers. "I'm gonna take you to Carlisle. It's going to be okay. Don't move. I'll get you."
I started hyperventilating as panic fully overtook my body, and I forgot how to breathe. Just this morning, Jacob and I were caressing my stomach, cooing over the tiny little fluttering from our perfect little baby. What was happening now? How did that moment change so quickly into this one?
Jacob grabbed a blanket that was slung over the footboard, wrapped me in it messily then gingerly slid his arms under my shoulders and knees. He pulled me up into his chest then darted toward the front door. He shifted me so he could grab his car keys and open the front door.
His lips were in my hair as he scurried to the car. "It's okay, baby. Everything's going to be okay. I got you. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
I hadn't realized how loudly I was sobbing until he spoke. But I think he misunderstood my hysterics. I didn't care much about myself in that moment.
I just needed our baby to be okay. The little peanut inside of me that just started fluttering, that I imagined having Jacob's beautiful dark, golden skin and gorgeously thick hair, maybe my brown eyes…
No. This can't be happening, I remembered thinking.
Jacob opened the passenger door, reclined the seat, and carefully laid me down. He zipped around and flung himself into the driver's seat before starting the car and racing toward my family's main house. He reached over and put his hand on top of mine as I desperately clung to my belly.
"I…" I choked out. "I can't lose our baby, Jake… What if something's really wrong? What if…" I couldn't finish my sentence. I couldn't even let my mind go to the dark place that would require finishing that thought. My baby was going to be okay; he or she had to be. I started sobbing even more.
"Ness, it's gonna be okay," Jacob said unconvincingly as he briefly glanced at me before focusing back on the road. His voice was thick with anxiety. He moved his hand up to cup my face. He used his thumb to wipe away the tears on my cheek. "Carlisle will figure it out."
I sniffed and tried to focus on the trees that were whirling past us as Jacob drove at a rapid speed. Please, I silently begged, please, please, please just let my baby be okay.
The cramping began feeling more intense all of a sudden. "Ah!" I groaned as I hunched forward, trying to alleviate the pain.
"We're almost there, Ness. Hold on, baby," Jacob said desperately as his fingers ran through my hair. He was trying to soothe me, but nothing was going to relax me until I knew our baby was safe.
As he made the turn that would soon lead us to the driveway, I was beginning to hear the chaos going on inside the house since we were close enough for my dad to hear our thoughts.
"Jaz, Alice, Em, Esme, Rose – get out of here! It's a lot of blood!" I heard my dad yell.
"Are they almost here!?" My mom shrieked.
"Yes," my dad answered. "Carlisle, do you have everything set up in your office?"
My grandfather answered quickly and calmly, "Yes, just getting a few more things in place. Bring her right up."
Jacob parked right near the front door. He got out and ran around the car. He pulled my door open and scooped me back up into his arms. My mom and dad were immediately beside us as Jacob sprinted toward the house.
"Mama," I reached out to her.
"I'm right here, sweetie," she said as she squeezed her cold fingers around my hand.
I showed her the first image I had of her, right after I was born. Then I showed her a faint, fuzzy memory I had of listening to her voice in utero – how we were so connected, and how we loved each other so much. Then I showed her the last ten minutes of me waking up in pain and Jacob noticing all the blood.
Don't let me lose my baby, mama, I thought.
Her hand tightened around mine. "Oh, honey," she said. I could hear the anguish in her voice. She knew the pain I was feeling because I just showed it to her, but she also knew it from personal experience. She was afraid of losing me all those years ago, so she could easily empathize with me now. "I know this is scary. We're gonna figure out what's going on."
I dropped her hand and cradled my midsection again. Jacob's arms reflexively tightened around me as we walked through the front door and made our way up the stairs. The white lights were incredibly bright as Jacob carefully laid me down on the hospital-like bed that was in the office. Once we found out I was pregnant, Carlisle had arranged his office into a hospital-like room for me since I couldn't just go to a normal doctor's office.
Jacob moved to the opposite side of the bed, so he wasn't in Carlisle's way. He cupped my cheek in one hand and rested his other hand on top of mine on my belly. My mom was right beside Jacob, resting her hands on my leg.
"I don't either," my dad said tensely, probably commenting on some thought my grandfather had. I looked over at them nervously.
"You don't what?" Jacob asked pointedly, picking up on my tension. My dad shook his head to Jake then came to stand beside my mom near the foot of the bed.
"Renesmee, I'm going to ask you a few questions then we will do an ultrasound, okay?" Carlisle reached out and touched my forehead, probably gaging my body temperature. I was freezing, which was strange because I rarely noticed my body temperature change due to being half vampire.
Another intense cramp tore through my abdomen. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my lips together as my muscles tightened. I felt nauseous all of a sudden and scrambled to try and sit up. My dad grabbed a nearby trash can as Jacob and Carlisle helped me up. I emptied the contents of my stomach into the bin.
"Can you at least do something for her pain first!?" Jacob asked angrily as he carefully assisted me in lying back down. His fingers stroked my cheek frantically.
"I know it's hard for you to see her in discomfort, but I really need to gather a little more information first, Jacob." Carlisle answered.
"I'm okay, Jake," I opened my eyes and looked up at my grandfather and nodded for him to ask me the questions. I glanced back toward Jacob, and he hunched forward so his face was closer to mine, just inches away. His brow was furrowed as he looked at me anxiously.
He was just as scared as me. I was so worried about how I would feel if something was wrong with the baby that I'd forgotten that this was Jacob's baby, too. Except, he was worried about two things – the baby and me.
I reached up and held his face as we mirrored each other's fear. I'm okay, I told him as tears began streaming down my face again. His face contorted with emotion as he leaned down and kissed my forehead and cheek.
"Were you having any other bleeding in the last several days?"
I didn't look away from Jacob as I answered. "I had a little bit of spotting yesterday, but nothing significant. I didn't think anything of it."
"Any cramping, abdominal or pelvic pain like you're having now?"
"No."
"Any other symptoms?"
"No," I answered. "Everything was fine until I woke up a little bit ago from the cramping."
"When did you last feel the fetus move?"
I took a deep breath and couldn't answer out loud. I searched Jacob's eyes before I showed him the happiest moment so far in my life – feeling the little fluttering from our beautiful, perfect baby. I remembered grabbing his hand and hurriedly placing it on my stomach, seeing his face completely light up like my own before he leaned down and kissed my barely bulging belly. Then I recalled his huge grin as he got up and kissed me with so much love.
We had to have more moments like this – that couldn't be the only one.
I saw Jacob's eyes fill with tears. He reached for my hand on his cheek and kissed it. "It was this morning." Jacob answered for me after clearing his throat.
I was starting to feel colder and kind of tired all of a sudden as a shiver rippled through my spine. My eyes began to droop, like my eyelids just couldn't stay open.
"Ness," I heard Jacob say my name anxiously. I shook my head slightly and refocused on him and the bright light that shined just over his shoulder. Maybe the light could keep me awake…
I was able to keep my eyes focused for a few seconds before feeling kind of dizzy and faint again. The pain tore through my abdomen and my eyes closed unwillingly.
"Something's wrong! What's happening?" I heard my mom's panicked voice.
"Her heartrate is dropping. Carlisle!" My dad yelled.
"What does that mean!? Do something!" Jacob screamed. I felt his fingers anxiously brush my face. "I'm right here, Ness. Can you hear me, baby? I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"
I can hear you, Jake. I'm here. Why are you sorry? This is my fault, I tried to say these words out loud, but I was just so, so tired… I hoped he was able to hear my thoughts since he was still stroking my cheek.
"She's hemorrhaging," my grandfather said. "Edward, get her on some oxygen. We need to start an IV, check her hemoglobin levels, and perform a dilation and curettage."
I tried to open my eyes again, but I couldn't. Jacob reached for my hand and held it to his cheek.
Make sure our baby is okay, I told him before unwillingly falling deeper into unconsciousness.
. . . . . . . .
I awoke a day later. When I finally opened my eyes, it was hard because I still felt incredibly tired. I blinked several times before noticing Jacob's face just inches from mine. His eyes were closed. His even breathing told me he was asleep. Where were we? I was so disoriented.
I tried to touch Jacob's arm and wake him up so he could tell me what was going on. Something ached and tugged in my hand as I tried to reach up. I looked down and noticed the IV that was there. I shifted in the bed to look around and immediately felt pain in my abdomen and low back. I also felt kind of dizzy.
My hands instinctively went to my belly. I caressed it carefully.
My baby.
What happened?
The last thing I remembered was answering Carlisle's questions then feeling really sleepy. I touched Jacob's face. "Jake," I croaked since my throat was so dry.
His eyes shot open quickly. "Renesmee!" His hands were instantly holding my face as he leaned forward and kissed anywhere his lips could touch – my forehead, cheeks, chin, jaw, neck. "Oh, baby, I've been so, so worried. Carlisle said you were fine and just needed to rest… But I wasn't going to feel any better until you woke up."
"I'm fine," I responded quickly. But was the baby? "What happened? Is the baby okay?"
I felt his body stiffen. He closed his eyes. "Jake," I said desperately as my hands went back to my stomach. "Tell me what happened. Our baby is okay, right?" I felt tears pool in my eyes because part of me already knew the answer, but I couldn't accept the reality of it; it was far too painful.
He swallowed. "You were hemorrhaging, that's why you went unconscious… The oxygen levels in your blood were too low," he searched my eyes. I nodded for him to continue. He wasn't answering my question, and I was getting impatient. "When we got here last night, Carlisle couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat anymore and," his voice broke as tears filled his eyes. His thumbs swiped gently back and forth against my cheeks. "The miscarriage was already happening, so he couldn't do anything… We lost our baby, Ness."
"No!" I screamed. Anguish I never imagined possible tore through my body; it felt like dull knives were trying to cut their way out of me. "NOOO!"
"I know, Ness… I'm sorry," Jacob said through his own tears as he wrapped his top arm around me carefully and stroked my hair. "I'm so, so sorry."
This wasn't real. There was no way this could be reality. I was dreaming. I would wake up from this nightmare tomorrow, and I would feel more flutters in my belly as I daydreamed about my beautiful baby that would look like Jacob. I would continue thinking about baby names and my grandma and Aunt Alice would continue discussing the design for the nursery…
"Our baby…" I choked out. "No."
I touched Jacob's arm and flooded him with everything I remembered about the baby – our accident with the condom ripping, me taking a pregnancy test and both of us being incredibly nervous but excited, telling our parents, Carlisle's worry about my body's ability to sustain a pregnancy and how he could ensure I was staying healthy, telling his pack brothers and sister, our joy when I passed the first trimester, my grandma gifting us our little cabin and helping me design the nursery, him holding and rubbing my belly every night when we were going to sleep, us pondering over baby names…
And now it was over.
All that was left was the two of us when we had planned for three.
No more flutters in my belly.
No more daydreaming about our baby's future.
No more happy ending.
"I know, Ness…" Jacob said. I looked up at him and saw the agony written all over his face, too.
Now, I was angry.
"Why?" I demanded hysterically. "Why did this happen? I was past the first trimester! This wasn't supposed to happen! Why?"
Jacob sighed. "Carlisle said it's hard to know for sure, but that most miscarriages during the second trimester are from chromosomal abnormalities, infections, underlying health conditions, or your cervix dilating too early… He said it was easy to rule-out any of the health things because you're perfectly healthy."
I sniffed. "So… chromosomal abnormalities then?"
He nodded. "That's what he thinks."
I showed him an image of me being half human and half vampire, and him being half human and half werewolf. Is it because half of us is, maybe, incompatible – the vampire and werewolf parts?
"I wondered about that, too," he whispered. "I think everyone's questioning it, but how can we know for sure? There's never been a couple like us before."
My heart felt like it was glass that had just been shattered. This part of Jacob and me was mismatched? I might not be able to give him a child? There was something wrong with me?
I showed him another image of him imprinting on me, then shifted it to Sam imprinting on Emily. They had two healthy babies with no complications whatsoever. The same was true for Rachel and Paul – they just had Jacob's niece with no difficulties. Wasn't that part of the imprinting "magic" – to pass along the werewolf gene and create more powerful wolves in the next generation? That meant Jacob and I should be able to have children, right?
"I've been thinking about that, too. I don't know," he said sadly. "But I wanted this baby with you so badly, Ness…" He sobbed. I reached for his face and tried to wipe away some of his tears that were flowing steadily like my own. "I had so many hopes and dreams, just like you. I never realized how badly I wanted to be a father until yesterday when I felt our baby move… And then almost losing you last night from it… I could have lost both of you… It's all too much…"
I buried my face in his neck and wrapped my arm around his back. We both continued crying. "I should have noticed the signs sooner, told Carlisle about the spotting. It's my body that failed somehow, and now you're hurting. I'm so sorry, Jake. I'm so, so sorry…"
"None of this is your fault, Ness." Jacob said as he kissed my head and tightened his embrace. "Please don't blame yourself, baby."
I didn't believe him. Of course, it was my fault – my body failed me somehow. I couldn't keep our baby alive. My body betrayed me and took away all my hopes and dreams. And, worse than that, it took away Jacob's, too.
Why did this happen to us? Why couldn't I have died with my baby, too? That felt less painful than to still be alive now to live in the grief of this insurmountable loss.
"Carlisle needs to come in and check on you now that you're awake," Jacob murmured. "I just asked if I could have some time alone with you once you woke up before anyone else came in."
"I don't want to see anyone else. I just want to go home," I said as I showed Jacob an image of our cabin.
"As soon as Carlisle says we can go home, we will. I think he needs to make sure your oxygen levels are high enough first."
I nodded. "Okay."
. . . . . . .
I sob and sob as I cling to Jacob's fur and burrow myself further into his warmth.
After the first miscarriage, when we weren't even planning to have a baby in the first place, we decided to try again. Carlisle told us miscarriages were common and that many people had very normal pregnancies afterward.
So, I got pregnant again – six months after the first miscarriage.
And, five months into my pregnancy, I had a second miscarriage. It was exactly the same as the first – Jacob and I were able to feel the baby begin to move, then I started spotting. I told Carlisle right away this time. He did an ultrasound and there wasn't a heartbeat any longer.
Two months after the second miscarriage, Carlisle said he wanted to run some more in-depth tests, so he had me take a medication that would make more than one egg mature at a time. He did a procedure to retrieve the eggs that had matured and collected a sperm sample from Jacob.
I didn't really understand the complicated science and medical terminology around the tests he did, but, basically, he said that my eggs and Jacob's sperm seemed to repel each other in a strange way that he'd never seen before. He advised against us trying to have a baby because he feared it would continue to be the same devastating result.
We were both devastated, and it killed me even more to see Jacob's broken heart. It was too much to sit in my own grief, but to see his, too, was brutal.
I felt so broken, so damaged. I still do sometimes, if I'm being honest.
I never put much thought into being a mother and having a family with Jacob. At least, not until it was ripped away from me. But after the second miscarriage, it was all I wanted. And I wanted is desperately.
Everything after that was dark.
So, so dark.
I still don't really remember that time well. I was just… incredibly depressed.
Then a month later, Avery was sexually assaulted, and I murdered her attacker.
After that, I never left my bed. I refused to eat. I refused to get up. I was completely checked out of reality.
I try to remember what it was like, but only a brief glimmer of a memory surfaces…
. . . . . . .
Six Months Ago – After the second miscarriage & after Avery's sexual assault
"Nessie," I heard Jacob say my name, but I didn't stir. I was hidden underneath the quilt on our bed. I had no intension of moving from this spot anytime soon. I felt Jacob sit on the edge of the bed and slowly pull the blanket down. He stroked my hair, but I didn't open my eyes.
"I know you're awake," Jacob whispered, but I didn't acknowledge him.
How could I look at his painstakingly beautiful face that was full of just as much suffering as my own? Suffering that was my fault because my body didn't work right, or… Because Jacob and I weren't compatible in the ways we were supposed to be.
Jacob sighed. "Ness, I'm so worried about you, baby… I called your mom and asked her to come be with you today while I go check on the pack. I know you might not want that, but I can't leave you here alone again today… She'll be here in a few minutes, and I'll only be gone for an hour or two while I arrange some things so I can be back here with you."
Yesterday, Jacob was patrolling, and I insisted that I be here by myself. He unwillingly agreed after I threw a fit about it. When he came home, I was in the nursery, hysterically destroying everything I could get my hands on. It freaked him out, and I couldn't blame him. I probably looked like a crazy person that should be committed.
Jacob walked to the other side of the bed and laid down next to me. We were facing each other. His hand came back up to stroke my cheek and hair.
"Baby," he whispered. "Please talk to me." He reached for my hand and held it to his cheek, hoping I would communicate with him that way, but I couldn't. I was too numb. I had no words for the grief I was feeling.
"Nessie, I love you so much. None of this changes that. Nothing could ever change that… I don't blame you for anything that happened with Avery. And… If we can't have children, it's okay. It's enough for me to be with just you forever…"
. . . . . . .
Two months after that memory, I left.
I never realized how badly I wanted a baby. I wish that stupid condom never broke for me to accidentally get pregnant. I wouldn't want a child this much if I hadn't experienced the overabundant joy during the first pregnancy.
Jacob whimpers as he nuzzles his cheek against the top of my head and runs his paw up and down my back. The top of my head is wet from Jacob's inevitable tears.
We've never cried like this before. This is the first time either of us have really felt this pain together.
It's as if he's able to release his feelings with me here now, too. We both have to feel these feelings to heal, but it's completely unmanageable, unbearable without the other person being an anchor.
"I never should have run away from us," I mutter into his neck. I pull away so I can look up at him. "It's… it's enough for me to just be with you, too. I… I just want you to have everything. And I feel like I can't give you what you want or need," I realize now that I am blubbering and probably not making much sense.
And I'm feeling guilt creep in, like I'm dishonoring Brady by being sad about something else too. It's just… I think everything's been waiting to come to the surface once I felt safe enough. And I've always felt the safest with Jacob.
I bury into his neck again. "And now… And now Brady's gone. If I hadn't left, he might still be here. And now you're hurting more. Maybe I could have prevented it. Maybe… Maybe…" A sob ripples out of my chest and I'm hysterically crying while clinging to him again.
Brady was my friend.
And now he's gone.
Maybe I could have prevented it if I were here to help that night.
I know this must be killing Jacob. He's always felt insecure as the pack's Alpha, anyway, and now I know he's beating himself up when he did everything he could. Even though I don't know the entire story yet, I know Jacob's not at fault.
I take a deep breath then pull away to look up at Jacob as I hold his wolf face between my hands. "None of this is your fault, Jake, so you better not be blaming yourself, do you hear me?"
He averts his gaze and shakes his head. I tighten my hands and pull his face back. I wait for him to make eye contact with me. "I said, 'do you hear me'?"
His face softens, and he nods once. He whines as I burrow into him again. He rests his cheek on top of my head and continues crying. I hold him tighter.
The one thing I've learned from all my work with Senna is that if we allow ourselves to feel the pain and darkness within us, it will eventually recede.
It's when we run away from the darkness, or try to numb ourselves to it, that it grows and festers.
Sometimes things have to completely fall apart for us to rebuild them the way we actually want them to be.
I hate being on a pedestal. I hate feeling pulled between my different families. And, if I'm being honest, I hate myself quite a bit, too.
Maybe Jacob and I are both feeling the darkness within us right now – clearing out the infection so we can heal and grow together in the ways we really want to.
So, I let all the emotions and sobs flow out of me without shame, without any worry that I will drown.
Because Jacob's got me. And I've got him.
We will feel this pain together then figure out how to move forward and reassemble the broken pieces.
We cry and cry and cry together until we're both completely exhausted. Then we stay buried in each other as we fall into dreamless, quiet slumbers – both of us completely raw, completely exposed…
But now we have a clean slate to rebuild.