A/N: I really, for once, don't know if this is 'T' or 'M' material. One one hand, it's really, really offensive to women, drunks, men, and many other people. On the other hand, it's got sort of a... no, no, not LIGHT-hearted. This is pretty much like one of those... I dunno, "Don't read unless you want to learn a life-lesson" kinda things. And it's not really all that bad.
Of course, then there's the alcohol, and the cursing.
But you find those in those PG-13 movies all the time, so I'm sure that won't bother anybody.
Disclaimer: Own Soul Calibur or Tekken, I do not. ...Nor do I own Yoda... (sighs)
NOTE: This fanfic will most likely offend you, your poppee, or somebody close to you. So don't read it unless you like to be offended, you offense-glutton, you.
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I Heart Bob
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Seung Mina woke up in a drunken haze. The room, the light, and the blob of orange hovering over her were blurry.
"Mina? Mina, are you okay?" asked a familiar voice.
"Whaaaat'd I do last... last night?" she asked, propping herself up on her arms. Her head ached, so she reflexively put her hand to the aforementioned head.
"You had a little too much to drink and you got in a fight with some guy named Skippy," Yunsung explained. "That and you now have a tattoo above your right breast that says 'I heart Bob.' Who's Bob?"
Mina opened her mouth, but closed it after a few seconds. She was silent, her eyes narrowed in thought. Mina rubbed her head. "I don't really know. Was that before or after I put my crotch in Skippy's face?"
"Umm..." said Yunsung awkwardly.
"Y'know, now that I think about it... what... what exactly happened?" She blinked groggily.
"Well..."
FLASHBACK
Mina and Yunsung walked into the bed-and-breakfast/bar that evening. Mina had a big grin on her face, whereas Yunsung looked a bit apprehensive. This might've been because several seedy-looking guys were giving them odd looks. By 'odd looks' I mean 'the death glare'.
Seung Mina, however, took no notice and sidled right up to the bar, ordering some popular drink or other. I don't know. I don't drink. Let's say it was something fruity and girly. Like a margarita.
Even though they didn't exist. Ah...well. Whatcha gonna do?
"I... I don't feel comfortable here," Yunsung whispered to Mina.
"Well of course you don't. You're a minor, but I can order all the drinks I feel like ordering."
"Until you run out of money," the young man pointed out.
Mina glared at him. "Shut up!" she snapped after a moment. She gulped down the entire margarita in one... gulp. Then she ordered a beer.
Several beers later... (A/N: I'm sorry for the bad pun, but I've wanted to use that for a while.)
"Ya know what Korea doesn't have?" Mina asked some particularly seedy man.
"...What?" he growled after a moment.
"Unconfusing names," said Mina, laughing drunkenly. "I mean... Is his last name Hwang or is his first name Sung Kyung? Dammit, why can't he make up his f... god dammit, what's in this stuff?" She looked at her glass, one eye squinted.
"I think you've had too much to drink," Yunsung said.
"You think too much! That's what sets apart," said Mina. "Seeeeee, women aren't supposed to think. That's the whooooole deal. If we did think, well... we'd start doing crazy stuff, like becoming political role-models for generations of young girls to come." She sighed, looking into her glass. "I mean... the only reason I pretend that I think is so that I don't have to marry that tight-wad. Whatsisface."
"Hwang?"
"Yeah. Him. That guy. I'm no feminist. I'm no individual seeking true individuality. Hell, I don't even know what I was on when I said that. The point is, I'm a fool for distinguishing myself from the similar character models of the world. It's like... It's like I'm marijuana, and the world's a big human lung. They just aren't going to get along."
"You do realize that you're going nowhere with this, right?" said Yunsung, trying to avoid the other bar-goers who were staring at them.
"Hey!" said the girl. She said nothing for a few seconds. "Shut up."
"I think you should go lay down, lady," said some random guy.
"You can't tell me what to do!" said Seung Mina, going to slap him but deciding against it at the last second. "You... ugh... what was I talking about?"
"You were about to slap me."
"Right. RIGHT. But then I stopped. Am I right?"
"Yes."
Mina gave him a suspicious look. A suspicious, drunken look. "You lookin' fer a fight, Mister? Huh? Huh? Are you?"
"Maybe."
"Then let's take this outside!"
(insert really clichéd-type metal-ish guitar solo here with drumbs in background)
"Mina, I know that, if you were in a right state of mind and your common sense not clouded by alcohol, you'd think this throu... wait, no, you wouldn't. Never mind," sighed Yunsung from the sidelines.
Mina pointed at Yunsung accusingly, holding herself up with her zanbatou. "You shut the hell up. I'm tired of your complaining. After I get done with this guy, I'm gonna kill you so hard that you'll feel it in the morning!"
Yunsung stared at her. "...Okay. Whatever you say." He shrugged.
VS. SKIPPY...FIGHT! said the announcer.
Mina took a few steps foreward before dropping her weapon. "Oh, crap." Meanwhile, Skippy had charged at her. As she bent down to pick it up, he went to make a swing at her with whatever the hell it was he was fighting her with. Probably something stupid. Like a stick.
...Just imagine some noob going after Mina with a stick...
Needless to say, Mina did eventually end up doing her throw in which she sat on Skippy's face and stabbed him in the groin. Also needless to say, she beat Skippy.
Then there was that whole business of this 'Bob' fellow.
See, there was this young stud of a man (bleh) sitting in the corner. He, too, was horribly drunk. He had to be, wearing those hideous leather chaps. And those spurs. And styling his hair like that. Or maybe it was the various drugs he and the author smoked right before this that caused him to dress as such and made the author write this crap.
"Who're you?" asked Mina as, inexplicably, nobody's favorite Korean gangster approached her.
"I'm Hwoarang, from... oh, God, what's it called?" He thought for a minute, which was hard considering, as stated, he was horribly drunk. "It starts with a 'T'..."
"...wha...?"
After this, they started talking like drunken fools--drunken fools in love, mind you--and that led to a bunch of wacky scenarios that night until they got their tattoos.
END FLASHBACK
"And that's what happened," Yunsung finished, looking like he had some sense of fulfillment. "You met some man-whore, supposedly from the year 2005, probably did stuff I'm not going to mention, and then you got tattoos. And then you never heard from him ever again," Yunsung said darkly.
Mina was confused.
"And this all happened last night?"
"You don't hold liquor well."
"I can tell..."
The Aftermath (which is a really nonsensical thing to call something, since the only math there is involves numbers; so is the aftermath the solution? Nothing's ever solved, though...):
Mina could never explain the whole 'I heart Bob' tattoo to her poppee. She couldn't even get it removed. Han Myong said it was 'to teach her an important life lesson'. I guess that lesson was, "Don't fall in love with Hwoarang, it'll only lead to getting tattoos." Umm... right.
Yunsung learned that, should he ever get drunk, he should do it while nobody's around. That's a good move.
Skippy was never heard from again.
Hwoarang awoke the same morning, only to find 'I heart SM' tattooed on his upper-arm. He doesn't like to talk about it.
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THE END
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A/N: See, this is a prime example of what happens when I just sit down and write the hell out of myself. Wait... that didn't make any sense. But... but neither did this fanfiction. NEVER MIND.
If anybody gets the 'Bob' thing, I will love you. Not in a 'I heart (insert your name here)' kinda way, but in a 'I will respect you for the rest of my and/or your life' kind of way. Because then I'll know I'm not the only one out there who finds out ridiculous facts about characters.
If you catch all the references (like the 'similar character model' thing) and tell me where they're from (not like when people reviewed Randumbness, saying that they KNEW the artists... yet they never stated who sang those particular songs. That's a really half-assed review attempt), and you shall get... erm... something. Except the Skippy thing. Your Skippy and my Skippy are probably two totally different Skippies.