Hey all, sorry for the slightly late update; holiday season has me a bit busy. Tbh, I feel somewhat unsatisfied with this chapter but I'm about to go out and I likely won't have a better time to upload this until Tuesday or Wednesday if I don't do it right now. Hopefully the next chapter will be a bit longer and feel a bit better lol
Hope you enjoy, despite my personal dissatisfaction with the quality
Again? Really? Chapter 2
When Mikasa had been forced to kill the man she loved, she was sure that her life was over. She would go on living, of course; she couldn't imagine doing otherwise, not with the deaths of all her friends hanging over her. Anything other than living her life would have been a disrespect to them. But it would have been a hollow, empty existence for many years and she knew it.
So when she found herself plucked out of time, taken to a strange place to talk to some sort of god, and offered the chance to return back in time with Eren himself to make things right, of course she jumped at the chance. The choice between a life with Eren and one without him was no choice at all.
But she hadn't had time to really think about all that Eren had done before she had been forced to kill him. She had still been reeling, not yet fully able to process everything that had happened. The last few months had passed in a blur, with time seeming to speed up until she hadn't had even a moment to herself.
"I'm sorry! I- ow! I get it, okay, you- ouch! Quit it Mikasa, I've apologized like- OW! You're gonna wake everyone up if you don't stop!"
"You're the one who's being loud. Stop making so much noise and we won't have to worry about waking anyone," Mikasa calmly told Eren. Then she drew her leg back and unleashed another vicious kick into his stomach while he laid in a ball on the ground.
This one really drove the air out of him, and he was reduced to wheezing and rolling around pitifully holding his stomach. Even in the depths of her anger, Mikasa still felt a twinge at the sight and sighed. She sat down next to Eren in the dirt of the training field outside the Training Corps barracks. It was the middle of the night and everyone was asleep except the two of them. They had both decided independently to go outside when they woke up in the past, and as a result they quickly ran into one another. After confirming with the other that this was real, not a dream, Mikasa had suddenly remembered what had led them to this point. As her emotions all rushed back, Mikasa suddenly found herself overwhelmed by the onslaught of despair, rage, and helplessness that consumed her. The next thing she knew, she was attacking Eren, who stood next to no chance of stopping her.
As she sat next to the writhing Eren, Mikasa was surprised to realize she was crying. She hadn't noticed during her assault, but the deep tear tracks she felt on her face indicated she had been at it for some time. She sniffled slightly and wiped the remains from her face with her palm.
Eren groaned and managed to drag himself into a sitting position beside her, rubbing his face with his hands and making sure she knew how much pain he was in. She would've rolled her eyes and smiled fondly at how very Eren the actions were if she wasn't feeling so upset. Instead, his familiar motions only served to further upset her, and she felt the tears welling up in her eyes multiply.
Eren turned to her and his eyes widened in alarm at seeing her face. "Whoa, hey I'm the one who got his ass kicked, so why do you look like you're more upset?" He scooted closer to her but she shot up and away from him. His face fell at her reaction, and she let out an upset breath. She knew she should talk to him instead of acting this way but the hurt was still so fresh in her mind. Everything she had been forced to do because of Eren… the way he had hidden his plans from her and Armin, the way he had tried to discard her and manipulate her into leaving him, the things he had said at their last meeting…
It was still so hard to believe that she was actually back in the past with a chance to change things, but the ground under her feet and the breeze through her hair told her this was reality. Even the strange half-dream she'd had of her potential life with Eren had felt dead compared to this; while it was believable to the point that she was able to lose herself there temporarily, there was a profound sense of wrongness that permeated the entire time she'd spent in the dream.
This was different. She wasn't sure how, but her mind and body could somehow tell that this was real in a way that they couldn't when she was in that dream. Some part of her had already accepted that she was in the past with a chance to change things.
With that thought in mind, she sighed and moved to sit back down beside Eren, doing her best to ignore how happy her decision made him. She was determined not to let her heart warm just because he was aglow with happiness at her moving to sit beside him again, but despite her best efforts she couldn't help the small bit of contentment that wormed its way into her heart at his response.
She quickly crushed the sliver of joy he had created in her, refusing to allow her resolve to be shaken. Eren had a lot of explaining to do and she wouldn't let him off the hook just because she was in love with him in the past.
And it was in the past. She couldn't still feel love for him after what he'd done, both to the world and to her personally.
If only she could believe herself when she thought that.
She sighed again and finally turned to look at Eren. He was staring back at her somberly, quietly waiting for her. His eyes seemed to tell her to take as much time as she needed to gather herself. While the return of his gentleness was nearly enough to set her off on another confused whirl of emotions, Mikasa managed to reign in her feelings and center herself. They only had so much time to talk before the early risers would be among them, and she couldn't waste it contemplating her feelings for Eren.
"So…" Eren trailed off, and Mikasa shot him an incredulous look. Was that really how he was going to start this conversation? Eren flushed with embarrassment and muttered a quick "sorry, I wasn't sure how to start," while scratching the back of his neck. Despite herself, Mikasa felt a slight smile start to form on her face at the familiarity of this scene. Especially with Eren in his twelve-year-old body, the sight of him flustered at his inability to eloquently broach a sensitive subject was one that brought back a rash of memories.
Mikasa sighed again. This tiptoeing around the subject was getting them nowhere, and beating around the bush was never her style anyway. "Eren," she interjected, cutting off his increasingly apologetic mumbling about how hard of a topic it was to start talking about. He immediately turned and gave her his full attention, something that in the past would have filled her with elation. Now it just made her dread what she had to ask even more. "Why?"
Eren seemed to age years in front of her eyes as he deflated and looked away. His gaze found the stars in the sky above them, and she turned her gaze there too, content to let him gather his thoughts. It wasn't an easy question to answer, she was sure. Before he could start to form a response, she decided to clarify a bit and help him out. "I know that you chose the happiness and life of everyone in Paradis over the rest of the world. I just want to know why you went about things the way you did. Why did you never tell me or Armin what you were planning? Why did you refuse to let us help you? Why did you slaughter people the same way the Titans did to us when we were little? Why… why did you make me kill you…" Mikasa slowly trailed off as she ran out of steam, realizing her attempt to help Eren had quickly devolved into a full-blown rant.
Eren stared at her with wide eyes and an open mouth, seemingly unable to form a response. Slowly he managed to close his gaping jaw as he turned away from her, and his eyes grew dark. "I… I guess the best answer I can give you is that I wanted to save you. All of you. I wanted you to be free of-"
"Really, Eren?! REALLY?!" Mikasa's angry retort cut off his words. She knows she's being controlled by her anger right now but she couldn't help herself. "Did you REALLY think that I would be "free" in a world where I had to live with killing you?!" She's panting now, finally able to let loose at the man who had caused her so much distress and worry. The things she thought she'd never be able to say to him slammed into him one after another and she felt powerless to stop them. No, that's not right; she could stop if she wanted to but the feeling of being able to throw his actions in his face was addicting and she had no desire to end it now. "Eren, you only saved yourself. You allowed yourself to choose the easiest path and then simply waited while everyone else gave everything they had to stop you and make things right!"
Eren looked even more gobsmacked now than he had before, and shame began to flood his face even as she watched. "I…" he trailed off, unable to finish.
Mikasa stared at him as he looked at his palms, wondering if he was finally facing the truth of what he'd done for the first time. Against her will, she felt a twinge of pity when she saw his face and the devastation etched upon it. She sighed once more, something it felt like she had been doing a lot of ever since they came out here. As upset as she was, they needed to talk about their plans now, before they came into contact with the people of this era.
"Listen Eren. I… I don't know what I can say to you. The things you did, the actions you forced us to take, I'm not sure I would ever be able to forgive you," she says to him seriously, and the color drains from his face and he opens his mouth with terror plain to see in his expression. "But," she held up a hand to stop him, "I suppose we'll have plenty of time to find out, since we're stuck together here now. We need to start thinking of how we're going to save the world. It won't be as simple as just destroying Marley; we need to find a way to free Eldians across the world at the same time as preventing an all out war."
Eren swallowed and managed to banish the fear from his visage before nodding. "You're right. We have our work cut out for us. Any ideas?"
She shook her head. "Not yet. But you need to remember something Eren- we don't know any of these people. They may look like, sound like, and act like the friends we remember. But in this timeline we've only just met, so you have to be sure you don't act overly familiar with anyone." She waited for his nod before continuing, "Armin is our biggest hurdle right now." At his inquisitive glance, she elaborated, "He's the most likely to notice that something is off with us, since he's the only one that knew us before last night when we all arrived here. We need to decide if we want to tell him what happened and what we're doing or keep it secret."
"And if we do decide to tell him, we're going to have to come up with quite the plan for convincing him. It's not exactly the most believable story" Eren added with a sigh. Mikasa nodded in agreement.
"And one more thing Eren… I think that… I think that we should tell Armin we got into a fight. Nothing major but a bigger one than our usual disagreements."
Eren gave her a confused look. "If you want to, sure, but… why?"
She looked away. "I… I think I need a bit of space for a while. To work out some things." Eren's face took on a look of understanding, though he couldn't quite hide the twinge of hurt that appeared. Mikasa ignored it. "And if I stop spending time with you for no reason, Armin will certainly be suspicious. So, I think we should just get ahead of his questions."
Eren gave a curt nod. "Sounds good. I'll bring it up tomorrow after we wake up." He hesitated, as though he had something else to say. Finally, he sighed and stood. "I guess I should head back. It will be sunrise soon," he said. Mikasa nodded and watched him walk away before standing herself.
As she walked back towards her own dormitory, Mikasa found herself lost in thought. As much as she resented Eren and the things he'd done, she just couldn't find it in herself to face down the idea of cutting herself off from him completely. But the hurt she was feeling hadn't faded, and she wasn't about to let Eren off the hook just because he was also hurting.
She firmed her resolve and raised her gaze from the ground. She would make things right this time. They would save everyone, and she and Eren wouldn't have to dance that horrible dance of death that led them here in the first place.
She would make sure of it.
Eren struggled to fall asleep after his talk with Misaka, rolling around and agonizing over the decisions he'd made. When he'd made his choices initially, it had been far easier to accept the consequences of everyone's reactions knowing he'd be dead and unable to face their laments. But now that he had been forced to acknowledge his actions by Misaka, he was having second thoughts. He had been sure that his choice was the right one; they had run out of time, and it was all he could think of to protect his friends and their freedom. But now, he wasn't so sure that his decision was the right one, and these haunting doubts stayed with him late into the night as he tossed and turned, sure that he would never fall asleep that night. But apparently traveling back in time exhausts the body, because somehow Eren managed to defy his brain and drift off before the sun peeked through the curtains of the dormitory.
The next thing Eren knew, he was being roughly shaken awake by Armin. "Come on Eren, we need to get moving or the instructor will be furious," Armin whispered. Eren groaned, lamenting his lack of sleep now that it was morning, but forced himself out of bed nonetheless.
As he walked next to Armin towards the mess hall after getting dressed, Eren let him know about the "fight" that had supposedly happened between he and Mikasa. He tried not to think too long about how Mikasa had looked at him after they returned to the past, the utter betrayal and hurt reflected in the eyes he knew so well. Instead he brushed off Armin's concerned questions and powered towards the mess hall, determined to forget about his worries regarding his relationship with Mikasa.
As he entered, he stopped cold. It wasn't until Armin walked into his back that he was shaken free of his shock and continued moving into the room. He avoided Armin's questions once more, sitting down with his food and doing his best to avoid looking at what had initially caused his hesitation. But to his dismay, the object of his consternation came to him instead.
"Hey there, is this seat taken? Do you guys mind if we sit down here?" a younger Reiner Braun asked as he approached with Bertolt at his side. Eren searched for a way to send them away without seeming suspicious, but Armin kindly interjected before he could find the words, inviting them to sit down and join them.
Eren could do nothing but clench his teeth and focus on his food, doing his best not to glare at the two whom he knew were there to capture him, though they didn't know it yet. He tried not to do anything that would draw the attention of the two warriors, but apparently he was unsuccessful, as it only took a few minutes for Reiner to whisper a question to Armin about his moodiness. Luckily, Armin assured Reiner that Eren was simply dejected about being in a fight with Mikasa, which he supposed wasn't entirely untrue. Both Reiner and Bertolt nodded in understanding at Armin's words, however, so Eren was content to let them be and think.
There was so much to think about for him now, which was a welcome change from the last months of his campaign in the future. Once he had decided on his path, he had spent very little time thinking about things; he hadn't had the time if he was being honest, flying around from one scheme to the next with barely the time to breathe in between. Now he had years to think about what he was going to do, though he was still currently overwhelmed by thoughts of what had already happened.
Without meaning to, his thoughts drifted to Mikasa. He knew he should have expected some resentment from her after what he'd done in the past, but the depths of her despair were far lower than he had imagined. Even when she had been shouting at him, he could see how she was more hurt than truly angry… though there had been plenty of anger thrown in as well.
He still felt that what he had done was justified… didn't he? He had firmed his resolve months ago, when it became plain that there was no way for him to protect both his friends and the people of the outside world, so he had to choose one. And he didn't regret his choice.
At least, that's what he kept trying to tell himself. It was a lot harder with the guilt Mikasa had forced into him driving into his gut nonstop ever since last night. He had been so certain that the only way to remove the curse of the Titans from the world would be having Mikasa stand in for Ymir Fritz and kill him, thereby breaking her free from her 2000 years of torment. He'd even made certain to enact a horrible even like the Rumbling to ensure that there would be no possibility of reprisal against Paradis, with the added benefit of making heroes out of his friends. But… based on what the god-like man had told Mikasa and him, it seemed like another option had to exist, or else why would he have even bothered sending them back?
The revelation hit him suddenly, which was strange; he should have realized it far sooner, but his mind still felt sluggish and muddled. But all at once he realized: he had killed millions for no reason. He had made the choice he thought he had to, only to find out that it was the wrong choice all along, and he could've done more. Done better.
He clamped a hand to his mouth as nausea swept over him. He… he had put the entire world through another Siganshina, and for nothing. He struggled to contain his disgust and despair as they threatened to overwhelm him. What had he been thinking?
A hand landed on his shoulder, squeezed in comfort. Eren turned and saw Mikasa standing behind him, face blank, palm resting on his body. She gave another squeeze and a slight nod before letting go and continuing her journey to sit at a different table. Eren took a deep breath and steadied his breathing. That's right, he thought. I have someone here to help me this time. Someone I can't hide anything from. Maybe… maybe that was my mistake the last time. Trying to do everything by myself.
Eren nodded, promising himself silently that he wouldn't hide anything from Mikasa this time. She deserved at least that much from him, and honestly far more. The things he had said to her and Armin in an attempt to push them away… he was surprised she still hesitated to kill him after that.
Eren's eyes drifted away from his food and towards one of the windows adorning the wall, his gaze caught by the boundless blue of the sky, marred only by the faintest wisps of white. His jaw tightened. This time would be different. That was the whole point of coming back. He would free everyone this time. Everyone.
Mikasa sighed and looked away from Eren as he stared out the window and his eyes hardened, knowing exactly what that look meant. In years past, it had made her stomach do flips and her cheeks heat up; something about seeing Eren working that hard, doing his best, driving himself towards a goal… Mikasa had always admired, even adored that quality of Eren's.
But now… having seen what sort of actions he was willing to take once he'd firmed his resolve, after he'd decided there was no better course of action… Mikasa wasn't afraid to admit that seeing that look frightened her more than a little. She could see little details in him that she had never noticed before, or perhaps they had truly never been there until after the things they went through on the way to reclaim their freedom. The way his eyes held just a glint of madness, reflecting how far he was willing to go. The way he seemed to totally lose track of what was around him as his gaze became transfixed to the future. Even just the way he held himself in these moments, so self-assured and free of doubt.
To think she had worried momentarily upon entering the cafeteria and seeing his slumped shoulders! Seeing his pinched brow and hunched shoulders as he huddled over his breakfast with a downright morose look on his face, she had felt a shock of pity and a familiar need to protect him, so she had done her best to wordlessly offer some support as she passed. But to see how quickly he had dragged himself out of his mood worried her somewhat. What if he hadn't learned anything from the past? What if he was planning on how to best enact the Rumbling again, this time sooner and more finally? Would she be able to tell? Would she be able to stop him?
…She hadn't last time.
Mikasa buried her face in her hands and gave out a quiet groan, grateful that she had managed to find a secluded table to herself in the corner of the room so that she didn't have to entertain any questions about her mood. Frankly, she missed the days when she didn't have to worry about Eren's motives or thoughts. The days when she could just blindly trust in him and know that he wouldn't let her down.
"Hey… uh, sorry to bother you but there aren't a lot of seats left, so I was wondering if I could, um, sit here? With you?" Mikasa was shaken from her reverie and lifted her head to see which poor recruit had the misfortune of bothering her when she was in a mood this foul. She was more than ready to let loose a stinging verbal beatdown on the hapless soul that had intruded on her thoughts, only to swallow the words in her throat when she got a good luck at the person speaking.
Historia- no, she was still just Krista at this point, wasn't she? In fact, Mikasa had no need to show the mild deference she had grown accustomed to giving the future monarch. As far as anyone knew, including the girl herself, she was just a simple commoner trying to make it in the army. Mikasa could be as rude as she pleased.
By the time the thoughts had finished rushing through Mikasa's head, however, she realized that the girl had started awkwardly shifting from foot to foot, waiting for an answer as Mikasa simply stared at her. As the timid blonde opened her mouth, no doubt to apologize and find a new place to sit, Mikasa rolled her eyes and used her foot to push out the other chair at the small table she was sitting at. At Krista's confused look, she impatiently gestured at the seat, and the other girl blushed and sat down quickly with a quiet apology.
Her heart was seemingly determined to ignore her intents to remain focused on her worries, as she felt a smile start to form on her face despite her best efforts. She had forgotten about this timid side of the girl, for once she had settled into her role of queen, the opportunities for such hesitancy were few and far between. It was refreshing to be reminded of the kind, uncertain girl that she started as, even if Mikasa preferred the more self-assured woman she would eventually grow into.
As Krista quietly ate her meal, Mikasa decided it couldn't hurt to introduce herself, as she was planning on seeing a lot of Krista in the coming years. "Hello," she started, once again having to suppress a smile at the shocked look on the other girl's face, as though she couldn't believe someone would actually want to talk to her, "my name is Mikasa. It looks like we're going to be training here together. What's your name?" She finished by allowing her eyes to soften and a slight bend to reach her mouth, which was often as close as she got to smiling when Eren wasn't involved.
The thought of Eren threatened to sour her mood and send her thoughts spiraling into the past again, so she instead focused on the reaction of the girl across from her. Her wide eyes and slack jaw seemed to indicate that, as Mikasa had thought, she wasn't used to people being friendly to her at this point in her life. Mikasa silently resolved to change that; these next three years would likely be the last chance any of them had to live in times of (relative) peace for a long while, so why not do everything she could to make it as pleasant as possible for the people she cared for?
As the blonde across from her hastened to swallow and answer Mikasa's question upon regaining her bearings, Mikasa took the chance to finish the last of her scant breakfast, having forgotten somewhat how bland the food was inside the walls at this point in time. She didn't want to admit it, but she'd become somewhat spoiled by the exotic foods introduced by their new allies, as well as the abundance of crops and meat they started to see after purging the Titans from their land. Returning to a breakfast of bread and broth was less than exciting.
"Um! My name is Krista Lenz! I, I spent the last few years in a refugee camp after the wall fell… I look forward to working with you!" The timid girl somehow managed to spit out all of that in the space of an entire breath, despite her numerous pauses and hesitations. Mikasa nodded her head and made sure to soften her normally sharp glare to hopefully comfort the clearly uncomfortable girl.
As she opened her mouth to respond, she heard the sound of a bell tolling through the barracks. All of the activity in the cafeteria came screeching to a halt for just a moment as everyone digested the meaning of the sound, before it suddenly doubled in intensity as the new trainees hastened to finish their food before answering their summons to appear for the opening ceremony. Mikasa shot an apologetic look at the girl across from her, before she stood and walked towards her two friends. As muddled as her thoughts were when it came to Eren, Armin would surely have something to say if she continued avoiding Eren to the point of refusing to walk with them.
As she approached the table where her time-traveling partner (which something she was still struggling to wrap her head around), her longtime friend, and the two devils of Marley, Mikasa did her best to control her facial expression and breathing. It wouldn't do to have any of her true feelings about the two warriors in front her reflect on her face at such a time, when it might in some way influence their thoughts of her and change the future. Though she wasn't exactly sure how that could happen, she was determined not to take any chances.
Luckily, she was well-practiced in the art of keeping her emotions concealed, and she easily slipped back into the mask she so often wore, imagining her chest becoming as hard as steel, easily tucking all of her inconvenient thoughts and feelings away under her imaginary armor.
"Armin. Eren. Let's go," she said briefly. Armin looked up at her, slightly puzzled at her tone. Then his face shifted into a knowing look as he shot a furtive glance at the boy sitting next to him, and Mikasa stifled a frown. It was actually convenient for her if he assumed she was acting terse because of her "fight" with Eren, rather than trying to figure out why she was already cautious around strangers. But it still rubbed her the wrong way to think that Armin was attributing her poor mood to a spat with Eren, even if he was partially right.
Mikasa turned her attention to Eren, only to see his expression look more hopeful than she'd seen in years. Combined with his far younger body, she couldn't help the brief thought that crossed her mind about how adorable he looked. She shook her head, crushed her weak heart into dust for allowing such weak thoughts to invade her head, and reaffixed her stern glare before turning back to him. He seemed to notice her cold gaze, because he deflated slightly, before offering her an apologetic smile and a nod. He stood with Armin, and they both followed after her out into the yard to formally meet Instructor Shadis for the first time.
All the while, Mikasa found herself annoyed, which was a rather uncommon emotion for her. Anger, rage, sorrow, despair, ire; all of these she was well acquainted with. It was hard not to be, with the things they had been through. But something as trivial as annoyance wasn't something they'd had the luxury of feeling in the end. The last time she remembered feeling annoyed was… probably something to do with Captain Levi. She was annoyed at two people: Eren, and herself.
Her annoyance with Eren was focused on his apparent insistence on being apologetic and owning his mistakes. It would've made her feelings of betrayal and anger feel so much more justified if he had tried to defend himself and his actions. His apparently willingness to fold so easily, admitting his mistakes now when he was so determined not to before they had returned… it was infuriating.
Her annoyance with herself was far more simple: she knew she was being silly for being annoyed at Eren for NOT holding onto his insane, genocidal thoughts, but she couldn't help herself. So she was reduced to being annoyed at her own broken heart for not allowing her to live a life based solely on logic.
Sometimes, Mikasa thought, having to deal with emotions is more trouble than it's worth. I wish I was really as emotionless as people think I am; I think life would be easier that way.
Even as she thought it, however, she knew she didn't believe it.
Eren trudged along behind Mikasa, doing his best to give her the space she wanted, despite how desperate he was to talk to her. She was the only person he could truly speak to now without any reservations, since every other conversation carried with it the risk of him accidentally exposing himself. He figured (or hoped) it would get easier as time passed, as any familiarity could be hand-waved away by claiming he was just friendly, and any information he accidentally referenced that he shouldn't know could be explained as being overheard.
But today? On day one? He was more than a bit worried that he was going to call Krista "Historia," or send a biting comment Jean's way, or even that he might lash out at Annie or Reiner or Bertolt. Even conversation with Armin carried a fair amount of risk, as he had gone to bed last night next to his best friend, a twelve year old boy who was hell-bent on killing all Titans. But now Eren was mentally nearly twenty, and his knowledge of what Titans were had severely tempered his desire to eradicate them with extreme prejudice. With his wit being razor-sharp as always, Eren was more than a bit worried about Armin realizing something was wrong.
Still though, he was more than happy to let Mikasa have time away from him. In fact, he was still surprised she had volunteered to leave behind the world without Titans to return to this hellscape with him, considering all he had done. He had meant to ask her about it last night, but their talk had quickly… gotten out of hand.
Not that he could really blame her.
Eren did his best to drive his increasingly dark thoughts from his head as he and the rest of the recruits all lined up in rows in the main training field. As they stood in loose lines, awaiting further instruction, Eren took the chance to look around at his fellow cadets.
He was more than a bit distressed to realize that he barely recognized most of the people around him. While he saw Jean and Annie standing nearby, and had noticed Connie, Floch, and Krista while walking out, the majority of the people around him were total strangers to him. Did we really lose that many? I wonder how many of the people standing next to me right now are destined to die at Trost in just three years? And of those that make it through that nightmare, most will probably be dead within the next five years from some other disaster or other. He felt his stomach sink. When he had heard and accepted the mission, it had seemed so simple: go back, fix his mistakes, save the world. In a way, it had been an affirmation of a belief he had let go of years ago: he truly was someone destined to save the world.
But being face with the reality that dozens of the people around him would be dead in a few years, and most of the rest were soon to follow, Eren was starting to realize just how momentous of a task he'd been given. To save even a fraction of these people, he'd need to make massive changes to the timeline. And these deaths were but a miniscule speck of the lives that would soon be extinguished if things were not changed.
He turned his eyes skyward, silently trying to keep his sudden onslaught of despair at bay. Among the deep cerulean sky and wispy strips of cloud, seemingly so close yet simultaneously always out of reach, a brief spark of movement managed to catch Eren's attention. As he turned slightly, he noticed a pair of birds soaring through the depths of the seemingly unlimited space that existed above the ground. They danced a mesmerizing routine beneath the clouds, with only the sun and Eren as witness.
Eren felt a rush of his old determination fill him. Even after learning that the skies these birds flew in could be just as constraining as the walls he grew up surrounded by, Eren still found solace in the appearance of freedom that flight possessed. A sudden thrill ran through his body as the thought of helping his friends- no, all of mankind to exist as freely as these beautiful creatures took hold of his soul. His fierce will to push forward, a core tenet of his being yet one that he hadn't even realized had been extinguished since his death, suddenly reignited. The feeling of his blood rushing as his body truly awakened for the first time since he'd returned brought an involuntary smile to his mouth.
That was right. He had forgotten the reason why he had decided to leave the walls in the first place. He was going to be free. And he would drag the rest of the world along with him if he had to.
"Hey, YOU! With the dumb smile and the messy hair!" Eren's reverie was broken by a sudden shout. As he turned his attention to the source of the commotion, his ears were assaulted as the volume rose "YES I am talking to you, shortstack! What is so damn funny to you?!" The imposing visage of Keith Shadis was now only inches from Eren's own, the man having approached while Eren was distracted. To most recruits, this would probably be enough to make them wet their pants in fear, and Eren would admit that even he still felt slightly intimidated despite his advanced mental age in comparison. But something about having faced down the combined forces of Marley, after having survived countless brushes with death at the hands of the Titans, had taken much of the edge off of the old instructor's tactics.
Still, it was best to keep up appearance. Eren smoothed the smile off of his face, straightened his spine and threw his arms into the position of the salute Shadis was expecting. "Sorry sir, I was…" Eren paused, wracking his brain for any excuse that Shadis might buy. Inspiration struck him suddenly, as inspiration often does, when he remembered something about Shadis he had learned in the future. "I was simply reaffirming my resolve and remembering why I'm here, sir."
Rather than calming Shadis down, Eren's remark seemed to enrage him further. "How exactly do you think that sitting in a field smiling at old memories is going to help you kill Titans, son?" he demanded, his voice now rising to a level that had the recruits on either side of Eren starting to lean away from him.
Eren calmly met Shadis' eyes, feeling his renewed sense of purpose infuse him with the calm certainty that he had become accustomed to. He noted with some amusement that the instructor straightened slightly and clenched his jaw a bit at this, reminding Eren that the determination so clearly painted in his eyes was intimidating to most people. He opened his mouth to speak, confident that his next words would be on Shadis' mind for days to come.
"The Titans killed my mother, sir," he said somberly. "I choose to remember all the good memories I had of her, which is why I smiled. But it also reminds me why I'm here; as long as those monsters exist in such a way that they continue to kill people like Carla Yeager, I need to remember to keep pushing forwards." Eren kept his chin high and his visage calm throughout his speech despite his impassioned tone, and by the wide-eyed looks of the others around him, it had influenced them more than a little. That was good, he thought to himself. The changes he was intending to make here in the past would have to start with himself.
Shadis stared at him for a long moment, before giving a single, curt nod and moving past him. As he began shouting at Connie, Eren struggled to stop himself from smiling again, as he knew what was coming next.
Mikasa felt more than a bit taken aback by the speech Eren had given when accosted by Shadis. Her memories of Eren from the future were of a solemn, brooding man who seemed to ONLY remember the bad things. While she knew that he had said things were changed, it was hard to accept that he might've been telling the truth.
No, that's not it, she thought to herself. I'm just afraid of trusting him once more. If I start to believe that he's truly changed, he'll be able to trick me again. And I can't let that happen. It's up to me to make sure that Eren doesn't go down the same path he took last time.
As Shadis began tearing into poor Sasha for lacking the self-restraint to stop herself from eating a freshly steamed potato, Mikasa did her best to reaffirm her certainty in what it was she had to do back in the past. Her duty was to save the world, whether it was threatened by Marley… or Eren.
Still, she supposed she shouldn't be so morose as to ignore the potentially positive development Eren was exhibiting. If he truly did believe the words he'd just spouted, maybe they actually could make a difference.
Mikasa mentally did a double take. Had she been subconsciously expecting to fail already? Upon a moment of reflection, she realized that she had in fact been dreading the time when she would have to kill Eren again, despite that she shouldn't have to do so if all went well. Even though she had evidence to the contrary, her mind still hadn't fully accepted that she had come back and now had the chance to truly fix everything.
Mikasa felt a fresh wave of overwhelming feelings threatening to spill over her and decided to observe the recruits around her in an attempt to distract herself. She noticed the slightly awed looks on a few faces around her, and realized with some dread that Eren still possessed the self-assured certainty that drew followers to him later in his life. While that quality could be invaluable if used to rally allies to their cause, she had also seen firsthand how insidious it could be, twisting the minds of desperate followers until they were willing to do literally anything to protect Eren and his dream.
Still, she supposed that people being drawn to the magnetic young leader because he preached about honoring the dead and remaining positive was far better than what had happened in her past (which was now the future, she supposed? Time travel was weird). An Eren focused on honoring the peaceful life he'd lost with his mother wasn't one she knew how to react to, so for now Mikasa resolved to withhold judgement until she'd seen more.
As her eyes continued to trail across the faces around her, she noticed that they weren't all reflecting the earnest amazement she saw in many. In fact, some of the people around Eren looked almost disgusted at his words. A familiar face caught her attention, as she noticed the frankly disgusted look that adorned Ymir's visage. That made sense to her, as from what she remembered of the girl, Ymir was not the type to appreciate sentiment of the sort that Eren had just spouted.
With that in mind, Mikasa tried to see if she could catch a glimpse of any of the three Marleyan warriors, hoping to gauge their reaction to Eren's little speech. But as she tried to subtly cast her gaze around the packed training ground, she heard Shadis dismiss everyone but Sasha and order them to report to their first day of exercises, effectively ending any chance she had at scoping out more reactions to the spectacle Eren had made.
Mikasa shook her head. She and Eren needed to have another talk. A longer one this time. As she followed with the rest of the crowd streaming towards their next location, the sun beating down on her back and the excited murmurs of her peers surrounding her, Mikasa felt the familiar sensation of her blood beginning to hum. Her focus sharpened, and everything suddenly seemed very simple. She would make it through this, and she would drag Eren out with her.
Just like old times.
So yeah, like I said I didn't love the way this chapter flowed but it's important to start setting things up so we can knock them down later. We see Mikasa's POV here for the first time, and I hope people can understand to some degree her conflicting feelings. I know it might seem slightly OOC for her to be so angry and untrusting of Eren, but remember that she was basically just plucked straight from the aftermath of the Rumbling and dropped into this situation. To her, it hasn't even been a week since she had to confront the reality of all Eren had done and been forced to kill him. I felt like it was pretty understandable that she wouldn't immediately slot back into her default worship of Eren after that.
Hopefully there weren't too many errors, I only made it through about 2/3rds of proofreading this before I had to upload it and write out this note, as my ride leaves in 15 minutes and I still haven't showered or got my outfit together lmao. I hope all of y'all had a great Thanksgiving, and enjoy this chapter. I expect to get the next one out in 7-10 days, just depending on how busy my life is after I get back to classes on Monday.
Thanks for reading, and I'll see you all again soon.
-D